Manners are actually pretty interesting. Off the top I can tell you that “no elbows on the table” has not been modern etiquette for some time outside of very formal or traditional settings; or when with mixed company who’s customs you do not know. Like so many manners, “no elbows..” doesn’t trace its roots to being fancy or pretentious- it was a matter of life and death.
If you know much about dogs you know they must be socialized as puppies for the best results, but even not knowing that you’ve surely seen dogs meet each other before. You watch them sniff and such and sometimes one dog snaps at the other or a certain dog seems to just have trouble with other dogs liking them… this is usually because that dog has poor manners for a dog.
Humans aren’t so different save that our verbal communication allows us better ability to trade complex ideas. Manners like “no elbows…” have a few purposes- but they mainly exist to avoid the appearance of aggression or triggering aggression in others. If two strangers meet in a wasteland- how do they know the other isn’t trying to threaten them or rob them etc? Certain things signal friendliness or make aggression impractical. Placing your elbows on the table takes up more space and may invade the space of others- an aggressive move that may be met with aggression- or in “polite society,” resentment or dislike. Traditionally your place setting dictated the boundaries of what space on the table was yours, and most peoples elbows wouldn’t fit in that space.
Beyond that, like our dogs or our wanderers of the wasteland, manners make you predictable. Most people are far more at ease when they feel like they can understand the person near them and what they might do next. We get nervous or otherwise upset when we are dealing with a person who may be dangerous and who we can’t predict. While every soldier at a military base may be armed, most civilians won’t fear their own soldiers despite the potential danger because they understand those soldiers aren’t likely to do anything unexpected or violent unless they behave in such a way- but a guy with a gun speaking erratically and behaving wildly will scare most people because you have no idea what he is going to do.
Manners can be thought of as a form of communication to signal to others that you understand “the rules” and that you will follow them. It puts people at ease and allows them to feel like you are someone they don’t have to worry about doing something dangerous or disgusting or embarrassing or otherwise off putting.
Of course manners can be used for gate keeping- things like “don’t wear white after Labor Day” were ways to identify someone of a certain social status because for a time, those were manners only known within certain privileged groups, so if you followed them, it signaled you “belonged” and weren’t an “outsider.” Manners can be taken to extremes such as the case for many sets of decorum concerning royalty etc- but at their core “common manners” for a culture are more about making sure everyone is safe is able to enjoy themselves without misunderstandings and discomfort.
Manners change with time though many stick as tradition. Many people who follow manners do so because they were taught as such but don’t understand why those manners exist. If you’re with friends or family, very few would call it poor manners to eat with your elbows on the table so long as you aren’t actually in anyones way or causing problems. Likewise when dining alone or at a table for one there is no compelling social reason to avoid your elbows on the table. It is true that positions which place your elbows on the table do often cause the torso to be in a position which is poor for digestion, so as far as your own health and comfort you might think twice about your posture while eating, but if you don’t have a problem with it and aren’t invading others eating space- go for it. If you’re out with strangers or non close acquaintances, or at semi formal or formal social functions where you can’t know everyone there well…
… it is safest to avoid your elbows on the table simply because you don’t know if anyone there will be offended. Obviously for dining with the Queen you’d likely want to avoid it as well.
People will judge us on their perception of our manners, but it isn’t a simple case of not caring what people think about you- the primary judgment of people on their manners is a judgment of them based on their consideration. That is to say- you may not care what people think about you, but do you think about other people? Most people don’t want to be around people who are so self centered that they don’t consider others feelings and comfort. Manners are our subtle way of demonstrating that we do think about other people and that we are willing to exert a little effort for their sake. Like returning the shopping cart vs. leaving it lose in the parking lot- there is no penalty- it doesn’t define who you are but it shows others who you are. Do you- but your elbows are probably fine on most tables.
If you know much about dogs you know they must be socialized as puppies for the best results, but even not knowing that you’ve surely seen dogs meet each other before. You watch them sniff and such and sometimes one dog snaps at the other or a certain dog seems to just have trouble with other dogs liking them… this is usually because that dog has poor manners for a dog.
Of course manners can be used for gate keeping- things like “don’t wear white after Labor Day” were ways to identify someone of a certain social status because for a time, those were manners only known within certain privileged groups, so if you followed them, it signaled you “belonged” and weren’t an “outsider.” Manners can be taken to extremes such as the case for many sets of decorum concerning royalty etc- but at their core “common manners” for a culture are more about making sure everyone is safe is able to enjoy themselves without misunderstandings and discomfort.
People will judge us on their perception of our manners, but it isn’t a simple case of not caring what people think about you- the primary judgment of people on their manners is a judgment of them based on their consideration. That is to say- you may not care what people think about you, but do you think about other people? Most people don’t want to be around people who are so self centered that they don’t consider others feelings and comfort. Manners are our subtle way of demonstrating that we do think about other people and that we are willing to exert a little effort for their sake. Like returning the shopping cart vs. leaving it lose in the parking lot- there is no penalty- it doesn’t define who you are but it shows others who you are. Do you- but your elbows are probably fine on most tables.