A cute premise, a fine idea. Please do not take this constructive criticism as disparagement. 1. Paragraph 1 sentence 4- “no dirt of my shoulders” perhaps it is meant to say “off my shoulders” as is more in line with the common expression? 2.P1 Sentence 5- subjective- “and all that crap” may set narrative tone, but also doesn’t flush out the joke as fully as it might by perhaps giving at least one alternative trope.
3. P2 S1- “that involved with” should be “that IS/ARE invoked with” etc. 4. P2 S2- “The only plus side IS...” 5. P2 S2- how can they use magic? Naturally? Trained? “As a cliche”? 6. P2 S2- “avoid at all cause possible” avoid what? “It” might go well here or another implied/direct word. Also “avoid as much as...” or “avoid at all costs” might read better as this sentence makes no sense. 7. P2 overall- frequent repetition of “avoid” “avoids” etc. skipping... P3 S1/2- you capitalize the speaker after the explaination in the dialog this starting a new sentence that says:

Personally a little too anime-esque for my taste, you also may want to add something around the genetics of this world, as it's impossible to give birth to a blue haired person if there's no gene fro blue hair present in either her parents or grandparents. Perhaps her mother cheated on her father a la Stardew Valley? I also feel like you're trying too hard to be meta and fourth wall-breaking, you could tone it down there. However overall, it's pretty alright. Personally, I wouldn't read it, but I know people who might.

“My father yelled I rolled my eyes...” as though their father is yelling about them rolling their eyes. The story has a good framework and you am tell the joy and fun that went in to creating it. Before I would make any other suggestions I would say to go over spelling, punctuation, syntax, and overall language conventions. You have the trappings of a fine story, but a diomonf uncut and unpolished is not nearly as sought a stone as one which has been made to shine so all can see it’s brialliance. Best of luck. If I have time I’ll come back and comment some more, but that’s what I have for now having skimmed the early parts.

Sorry. Work doth interfere with my leisure. I finished reading. So- my overall advice stands, doubly so. Go over for typos, tense, plural, and other errors. Punctuation seems to be another one that could use a little extra time. Some say that’s being anal, but remember that the punctuation controls the flow of how the reader times your writing as much as the words you use, sentence lengths, and paragraph breaks. More important, it can get confusing some places as to what is happeneing. You need to establish and maintain a rhythm and tone. Repetition is another one that could be looked at. There’s frequent use of repetitive words, alternate phrasing, and the reintroduction of concepts and actions already established in preceding sentences. The voice of the narrator is also inconsistent, and while the choice seems to be first person, not every line of dialog needs to be bookended by “he said” “she said” “he mumbled.” This is an intermediate/advanced concept called “show don’t tell.”

Having a character do certain things indicates to us how they feel or who is doing what. That can be hard, and organic dialog is often very difficult. Even if we “act it out” our perception is often hampered by the fact we wrote it so are bound to think a certain way about it. Acting out dialog with another person while a third non bias person judges the interaction can help early on. There is an example where after telling the reader (and class) the teachers name is “Merlin” the narrator then states that the “now named teacher<sic> spoke.” We know their name now. We don’t need to know they have been named, unless the whole thing is written in a tone where the mundane is explained ala “Hitchikers.”

Okie dokie so after I fix these things can ya review once more I wanna be the very best

Next- the rules. A nice touch and always fun when done well. You have a good start. I feel like our protagonist doesn’t follow their own rules very well. They break their own rules in one way or another almost right after they mention any one of them. If this was a plot element it can work, but it may need more fleshing out. Or of the rules weren’t theirs but from a book by someone else, and it was part of their journey to realize that those rules are bunk, and that the stereotypes they see aren’t what define a persons place. Otherwise if the message is to play with a world where the rules are set and the idea is destiny is what it is- it may be more compelling if the main character tried to follow their own rules.

It makes for a fun read, is a good concept, and I think you have a good start. It looks like you may have written it quickly, or in a hurry and that’s ok. As I said, please don’t be insulted or discouraged by my feedback. I think you are doing well and are still just at the start of your story, so it’s a bit early to judge plot or characters. It’s a solid premise that could go down many interesting paths. Keep at it and enjoy yourself. Write your story for you, and punctuate it like you wrote it for someone else. I’m interested to see where you go from here. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Dude the feedback here provided is making me wanna write but it aint happening

Lemme fix it then start again

Ye I wrote this quick. We had to summit a idea to my english teacher about a story we wanna read

Don’t worry. Writing is just rewriting done with repetition. Nothing anyone ever writes will speak to everyone or be enjoyed by everyone. That’s why voice is so important. You just say what you have to say, as best can be done or until you’re satisfied. What people do is on them. Like anything in life you just do your best and there’s no regrets. Create, enjoy, explore, grow. A good writer will break the rules and a great writer will create new rules. A decent writer knows when and where to do those things. If the rules were for everyone, Shakespeare and a good deal of modern English and fiction wouldn’t exist. So in all things take any critics with a grain of salt. Knowing when to listen and when to follow your gut is a big part of figuring out who you are as a writer.

Tobi fixed it

It’s funny, it’s about cliches yeah?

Yeah