Ever wanted to kill yourself but you think you are not actually THAT depressed, and don't really have a reason? It just pops up in my head all the time, initially (I think) as a joke, but with my returning depression it's actually become a consideration. Nit strong, and I don't really have a plan, I don't care enough to have a plan, but a strong enough feeling that if the opportunity arises, I will commit on impulse. I can't really talk to people about it, as I'm not seeing my shrink anymore (too expensive) and as I've had actual suicide attempts before, can't really talk to my boyfriend about it because he takes it pretty seriously, but I don't feel that this time round it is that serious.

Then, on the other hand, having graduated with psychology and human physiology as my double majors, I know that when people are getting less depressed, getting out of the worst of it, that's when they commit suicide, because for once they have enough energy to care and actually do something about it.

bruh course it is serious fam. Like you thinking about it and that is what spreads the seedlings man. We all been there bruh like i was just chilling and having problems with masturbating and used to think about suicide and stuff cause im religious and we aint supposed to do that and i felt pressure from my family and church. So like i used to hold a knife to my throat sometimes and think about it but i just put it away and went to sleep. I only realized when i started carving a mark into my chest that hey this is not normal and shiz. Like that shiz starts off small but it gets big trust me talk to him about it if he is ya boyfriend and actually cares about you he will support you and help you through this. Also why is you depressed. I personally felt like as useless as a sack of potatoes so i got good at some hobbies and that helped out finding a possible solution is always helpful if we know what makes you depressed.

So I don't know where I stand, and I don't know what to do about it before it becomes worse. I don't want to spiral down again, but currently I also cannot care, I feel apathetic towards anything, and I can feel myself becoming less and less responsive and more and more dead inside. I'm lonely but I dislike human contact, they are too noisy and obnoxious and rude and dirty (lol yeah and I'm not? fuckoff loser-self). And I'm also sarcastic and cynical as heck. I don't know where I'm going with my life.

Thanks @trashmanrevenge. I'm sorry to hear about that man, sound tough as heck. How are you doing now?
I just feel like a loser and a time-waster and oxygen-thief, I feel like I'm not achieving anything (logically, I know I am achieving things and contributing a bit to society).

Id still recommend talking about it with people, even if it is us strangers on the internet. Put in into words, write it out first if need be. Ever since I've had friends to vent about I had those thoughts less and less and every time it bothers me, I bother one of them about it, so I dont have to put it all on one person every single time. But that's what works for me. The best I can do for you atm is wishing you all the best and hope you find a positive solution.

You should try to put your feelings into something creative or constructive, working with whatever energy you have. Write a story, draw, make music, cook, clean your house, go for a jog. You don't have to interact with people if you don't want to, but talking with your family, friends, and boyfriend on a regular basis can help you feel more connected and less depressed. Finally, take care of your physical health by getting enough sleep, eating properly, and exercising as these will promote your mental wellbeing. Understand and remind yourself that you're not actually dead inside and you won't feel like this forever.

yo man dont stress it bro you matter fam i had my momma call me a bum and told me that i dont do anything and im good for nothing pretty much because i told her i didnt wanna serve my christian mission till december when ive only been outta highschool for 3 months. Its crazy out ther man but dont be stressing cause i know that somewhere and sometime we all got a purpose man we just dont know it yet. Like i might not be an nba player despite playing ball 3 hours a day and that sucks cause i dreamed about playing ball for money somehow but i figured hey man im here for something. Like i always thought that i aint unique and stuff but i am and i can put something into society that no one else can cause im the only person out there who think like me who act like me people come close but they aint me. Same for you man you is you and nobody can put what you can into life. Im sure out there you affecting someones life and you dont know it yet.

Im feeling good but im working on things life aint going too good but you know i feel happy just knowing that ima work it out long as i keep struggling for what i want. You feel like a loser i am a loser bro blew an fing snot rocket in the middle of computer class in front of everybody. Got the nickname rocketman. Literally my one time in life i was gonna be a winner was senior assassination where all the seniors shoot eachother with water guns off school campus and the final guy got 900 bucks and hella respect. I got 2nd place and the 1st place guys rubbed that shiz hella hard in my face bro. Ever since then everyone i met from my highschool come up like yo arent you the guy who got 2nd place in senior assassination and im like yo f off. But the big thing is i just ignored that noise and moved on man pursuing new dreams and careers and shiz bro trying out painting like walls and construction painting not artist stuff and it aint half bad. Just hang in there trust bro life has good shi

shiz

@catfluff Depression is something I really had to deal with too. My own story is that I went through my mom being murdered by my dad(which he covered up well) and went through being incacerated by him for over 9 years. I had to run away from it. worst of all, not very many that could help wanted to believe my story. I didn't get depression till after I lost my mom(which I totally ignored till it got worse). One thing is that people with great potentials and visions go through a lot of difficult things. I may not know your story but I relate so much to your struggle. I came to the realization that happiness is more of a choice(which means that positivity can be around you but not reach you till you let it in). Maybe you feel the way you do because of the events that occured in your life(past or present) but know that your life is so much valuable than you could ever think and your thoughts dont define who you are.

@catfluff And yes, I believe you should talk to someone(preferably someone who wouldnt make you feel worse). I‘ve got your back. You're useful and a blessing to people(even those you didnt know about). Dont ever forget your value. Please stay alive too. There are so many people that really really need you :) (Sorry it's short. It‘ would be very long to type it all, unless you want to hear it)

incarcerate**

@rosemagwin thank you. I will try to put it into words and I think that might also enable me to understand it better, giving it a name and helping to address the root of the problem.
@unicycle thank you. I've restarted drawing recently, and I spoke to one of my friends this afternoon after reading your comments, and it helped a bit, not being stuck in my mindless circles of swirling hell without any conceivable way out. It gave me perspective and made me realize that this feeling need not be such a big deal afterall, I can apply healthy coping mechanisms, and that I have people to talk to.
@trashmanrevenge aww sorry to hear that, man. Hope things are looking up for you and I'm sure you are positively impacting people in your life (me for example, thanks).
@aviva sorry to hear about that, it sounds pretty hectic. I shall try to focus more on the good things and try to address my biased and negative-focusing preferential thought patterns. Talking to you also gave me perspective that[...]

@aviva [...] that is what I am doing, I'm getting stuck on the negatives and completely ignoring the small positives which may in total build up to being more positive overall. Thank you very much for sharing your story, and the motivation as well. I really appreciate it.

You are most welcome @catfluff
I really hope I was able to cheer you up :)

@aviva most certainly, thanks again. I've started applying everyone's advice on here and it's starting to go a bit better, thanks. I've also asked my boss for more challenging and engaging work, to combat the boredom and to help achieve my sense of accomplishment when seeing how the project actually processes. Thanks again.

That's so great! I'm glad you're doing better :)