That kid has his priorities straight. Baby genius.

Call me crazy but I don’t think things are well if your cat has full finger flexion and an opposable thumb. That is highly abnormal. Plus, they can now grasp tools. Knives are tools. And the cat on the right looks like he has murder in his eyes.

I have a couple of Tinkerbell friends who will be receiving this meme from me right about now.

Do a place-name like Brooklyn or Dakota, but call your child Benin. That way, he can either be ‘Ben-Ten do’ or ‘Nin Tendo’ or even a walking existential placement ad to ‘Be Nin Tendo’. See, options.

That dog’s back looks like my sides in a few weeks once my winter weight has full, unfettered permission to return!

I once had a class where the professor used the Random function in Excel to assign people to a group project. It prevented all of the smart kids from choosing each other to have a powerhouse group and took all of the anxiety out of getting rejected when asking to be on a team. He projected it as he did it so that everyone could see and no one could say the groupings were rigged. It might not be a bad idea if teachers tried that approach more often, or let students vote whether they’d rather do group projects by lottery or self-selection.

Fortunately, he’s properly supporting the baby’s head as he lines him up for a sick piledriver.

She’d probably yap incessantly about the poor service, start barking orders, howl about calling the manager’s manager, and whine when she’s told that the customer isn’t always right.

One is an important component to help you race around town and keep you energized, healthy and fit. The other is a bike saddle.

If you knew how to spell, then you’d know that there’s no ‘master’ in ‘masturbating’. And if you’d wasted your college years double-majoring in Classics and Philosophy with dual minors in English and Gender Studies because some jackass hippie counselor told you to follow your passions instead of getting a STEM degree, then you’d know that ‘masturbate’ is likely some combination of the Latin ‘manus’ and ‘stupare’. Have you even opened a book this year? (P.S. The college major thing was just a hypothetical example to inspire our FunSubstance uni students to make intelligent decisions about their degrees and to drive the point home *cough*)

I mean, I was thinking ‘get married and make sure your spouse is a different class’ like, yeah, I’m effing broke and they’re rich. For me, that would be a much better match made in heaven...

*Android users simultaneously lock their bedroom doors and reach for the tissue box*

Yes. You may have all of the cuddles.

I call my teammates ‘uncle’ because they only like to play with me in the middle of the night.

Meme culture has so affected me that I instinctively expected it to spell ‘send nudes’ once they fell.

Living proof that swimming pools cause transparency in children. Join the Anti-Clear Kids movement today!

I’m so glad large, winged creatures don’t just swoop down and unexpectedly devour us as we’re casually walking to the grocery store.

Súper Meowio Brothers.

@title ‘John Wick Picks Dog Licks Over Paid Hits’

They were warned but they didn’t listen. Thousands of brown-eyed FunSubsters, desperate to feel appreciated, turned their eyes skyward and stared directly into the sun. Their retinas scorched. Their eyeballs melted into gelatinous slime. Their horrible screams could be heard for miles. The pain was excruciating, the newfound blindness terrifying. But each one - sensing that acceptance was just within their grasp - kept their oozing sockets turned upward to the sun. ‘Just another moment,’ they thought to themselves to justify the agony, ‘just a little longer.’ And at long last they each had what they desired. A feeling of being appreciated...
And eyes like pools of honey.