Crotchwalking is always a viable option.

Listen to Maria Bamford's "Unwanted Thoughts Syndrome." Pretty much the whole back half of the album is about that.

Uh, I don't believe this. There seems to be a distinct lack of McDs around Nevada and a whole lot in Vermont.

All you have to lose is your chains.

As I've gotten older, I've realized there is no time limit on life (in a philosophical sense anyway). My parents only started to travel and take classes when in they were in their fifties. Take your time.

Don't do that to them. They have enough to deal with without some jerk off making their jobs 1000x harder.

They also have a song called "Misty Mountain Hop."

I once drove from San Diego to Anaheim and remember zero percent of it. It was pretty scary.

French Mortuary, you stab em, we slab em.

Goddamn if this isn't the truth.

There's a Mike Birbiglia bit about how, if you keep having to defend your jokes and tell people "it's only a joke!", then you're bad at making jokes.

Tuesday starts the weekend.

No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!

A good walk ruined.

It's really special when it only happens once a year.

"Why is it that the greatest champions of the white race always turn out to be the worst examples of it?"

Man, really put Hugh Jazz in his place. Bravo.

I used to work at a hardware store in college and this huge black guy came in and bought a bunch of chainsaws and lawnmowers for a business he was starting. Because he paid with a check and the total was more than 500 bucks I had to call the bank to get it authorized. When I told him this, he looked me dead in the eyes and asked "it's cause I'm black, isn't it?" I froze with the phone in my hand, and as deadpan as he could, he said "nah man, I'm fucking with you. I'm going for a cigarette." His check cleared.

gggggaaaaaHHHHHHHH!

Who do you think is the other half of this equation?

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/stalin-vote-count-quote/