Some guys have all the luck. [sad music plays] I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs and every night I break my arms. At night, I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep.

Holy shit. I can't even draw a circle for math class.

I need a banana for scale

That's....disturbing

See I can tie a tie, but not like that

I don't have an appendix anymore

I myself cringed

I SPY A MOTHERFUCKING SHIP

That's why Netflix is a blessing

I feel more sympathy for a robot I've never seen in real life than for some people

It's the effort that counts

'Brother! I have found you!'

Girls that call their boyfriends daddy make me wanna hurl

Well, you've never seen me and batman in the same place. But I'm not batman. I'm superman. Shhh.

It's like the male version of flower crowns

My teacher said it had something to do with the fact that men used to hunt, and needed to be able to track animals quicker and that women used to work in the fields and therefore needed to see colors (of the food) better.

What happened to his feet? Yeah he lost them but how?

I would fall asleep and wake up all pruny

I'm 6'0. I'd rather be 5'2 to be honest.

He is amazing

I don't mean to alarm you, but when skipper flew a plane last they ended up crash landing in Africa.

I want my wedding gown made out of this

Or chocolate anything