I hope to achieve the level of happiness of this bird.

Why do they even sell clear wrapping paper? Like what's the point of that? It's like a spoon with holes.

Oh. Well. When will you be married?

But why would I wear a jacket in 90° weather?

My mom would slap me so fucking hard that I'd land in southern Tennessee

He looks so happy

Tall girl problems: running into the doorframe and having a permanent bruise on your forehead

Say it again. Over and over again. Until everyone understands it.

That little dude would have to watch out for when I'm pissed. I might accidentally stab him.

Where I'm at it's 97°, no chances of rain. I'll just stay on the Internet and let everyone burn outdoors.

It's so smooth

Just take my damn money

What are you trying to kill exactly? A medium sized country?

I read it in his voice

Spider-Man! What are you doing?! You have to work the pole, not just rub your balls on it.

I've been guilty of that one.

I could drown someone in that and make it look like an accident. Or boil them alive.

I hope two or more said yes.

You can tell she practiced this. She is a good person. Give her three potato.