You don't have to have kids to have a purpose. You don't have to be with another person to have a purpose. All these feelings and thoughts are okay to have, I mean I'd love it if you didn't have them but It's not like you're a bad person for feeling this way.
The things you're saying are very familiar to me, so I know that whatever I say might not be taken to heart but try and trust me when I say that others do care. I remember feeling completely alone, my family didn't understand what it meant to be depressed and so I was often pestered like yourself to "be happier", "if you actually tried you'd get better" etc. They weren't trying to be mean, they just didn't understand and I was in such an awful mindset that even their loving words wouldn't reach me, I'd feel unloved regardless of what was said or done. It sucks but the only change I saw was when I actually tried to change, it took a lot of effort, like a lot but I noticed small differences in my personality as time went on.

I went through 7 or 8 psychologists. Didn’t like any of them. I found one recently and she’s fantastic, that doesn’t mean she’ll fix everything, I’m the one who has to fix it, she’ll just help me. I’m still depressed but it really does help having someone there to talk to who has no obligation to be nice to me out of friendship. I didn’t want to talk to any of my previous psychologist out of fear of judgement too or I felt guilty to feeling like shit, almost like I was asking for pity. I hate pity. Just try to remember they didn’t go through years of training with the goal to help others, to judge others. You are a client, their goal is to help you become a person you’re happy with and if they judged you then they’re pretty bad at their job. I’m happy you’re going see someone though, I hope it goes well, the first step is always the hardest part so you’re doing well to get this far.

I wouldn't be suprised if i were to be turned down again. It happened when I went in to talk about my ptsd, back when it was fresh. It's not like this is any more likely to get a response.
I'm reluctant to speak with a psychologist anyway, as i don't want to be considered mentally ill. I've the process happen with others in the past.
There are probably only 4 people in the world that would notice if I disappeared.
I'm too much of a coward to do anything to myself though.

I never really got the whole "I'm a coward for not killing myself" thing. You're being brave by staying alive and facing what is making you feel awful, no one who commits suicide is a hero or a coward, they're just a person who needed help. I know it's not easy facing your fears but being mentally ill doesn't make you any less of a person. Everyone has problems, mental illness isn't something you can overcome without accepting it's there. It's scary acknowledging that part of you though, I know that. However, to be able to help you your psychologist has to know what's wrong, they can't read minds unfortunately. It makes you feel very vulnerable when you open up because most of the time, when you open up you aren't even aware yourself what's making you feel this way and it's emotional and scary. After that though, it gets much better, so please try your best to talk to them, you don't have to do it right away. Tell them you struggle to talk, they'll help you if they're good at their job

Unfortunately with my sleep schedule, I am too tired to think of a proper response to this and I might forget it exists but Zont, I really do believe that you can see better days where things are easier, and that you need to keep fighting for those days. I know how awful everything is, especially when it’s just mental and not necessarily tangible, but you gotta keep going. I don’t know you well enough to honestly say I care for you any more than surface level or anything but I’ve seen you around and I honestly think people appreciate you.

I moved to a place I didn't want to with a woman I was with for 15 years and now we're split up and I basically stayed here so I could have the dogs for a few days a month, but I also have no desire to go back where I came from. The closest people I had to friends up here were my coworkers and my store got shut down a month ago, and while I make some effort to reach out it doesn't really get me anywhere. Things between my family and myself have always been complicated and we definitely get along better with 1000 miles between us. Shortly before my job shut down I had a grand mal seizure at work and spent several days in the hospital. I live alone, in a one room apartment, I was hoping to move into a slightly larger place but, again, job shut down, seizures, so, don't know when that'll happen. I'm not supposed to drive for the next six months, but I just try and keep it to a minimum, so I'm not really getting out, and frankly I don't have the energy to. I'm on shitloads of...

...medication for schizophrenia, MDD, AAD, OCD, and now fucking seizures so there are days where I'm lucky if I sleep less than 12 hours, and I'm just completely exhausted all the time. I manage my mental problems better than most in my situation, but the fact is that things are going to be very, very difficult for me for the rest of my life. So, no friends, no loved ones, no job, very limited income at the moment, trapped in a small space, trapped in my head. The irony is that I do try to make things better, but shit happens, so yunno. Since the seizures began I have constant dull headaches, and about four times an hour I have headaches in my left temple that feel like I've been shot, so, more pills for that. They hurt so bad it feels like my left eye is getting pushed out. I've had MRIs and EEGs and all the works, and I have more scheduled, but they still can't seem to figure out what's wrong with me. So far it doesn't seem like a tumor or an aneurysm but the more I get these...

headaches the more worried I get. I'm not crazy and I don't think I'm dying or anything, but my disorders are unpleasant and pairing them with new medical issues has reduced my quality of life to about nothing. I don't have one, single, physical person in my life that I can turn to, pretty much the only people I talk to are you guys on here, and the ceaseless doctor appointments. I gained a lot of weight when they added the seizure medicine and I stopped going to work 8 to 10 hours a day, and I can't really work right now so losing weight has been difficult. I got really, really fucking hurt by my ex when we split and at this point it's clear it's made it difficult for me to date or anything. So, yeah. Pretty much everything is shit right now.

I'm sorry you've got so much to deal with, if I'm honest that's a shitload so your optimism is amazing, glad you know you have us to talk to though cause you're a lot of fun. I enjoy your comments. Considering you can't get out much due to your conditions, are you into gaming? You might already be but just in case you aren't I know there a ton of people who've met great friends through games then have met up irl at conventions or comps etc. Consistent groups or events are always a great idea, maybe even group therapy for all or one of your conditions, could get you a more routinely based social life that also helps you meet like minded people dealing with similar issues. You don't have to of course you have a lot to deal with already, just wanted to think of some alternatives to "go out to bars more", "join a sports team".

@zont is all good, that’s what this chat is for. No need to delete your earlier comments, this is the purpose for the chat. You can share whatever you want if you just need to get it off your chest or you can have a discussion about what’s happening. We are all here to be supportive of each other

This goes for everyone as well, not just zont. don’t feel like you can’t share or something because you don’t have as bad of problems. Problems are still problems and it’s a good thing to share them if you don’t have anyone else.

@parisqeen yeah, I play games. Group therapy, for some reason, has a strong adverse effect on me, to the point where my doctors and therapists stopped recommending it.

I ended up crying myself to sleep last night, but i'm feeling a lot better today. Thanks everyone, for your kind words and suggestions.

Some people are just fucking asshole. Fuck them. I just don't understand. I don't really talk. Just yell or something Idk

And fuck people that use people and cheat and hurt and lie. And fuck people who don't put their shopping carts back. Fuck them

@nicengelman yeah, it honestly depends on the person if group therapy works or not so it's a shame that didn't help you.
@jmmcclain fuck those people, like why can't you just put the cart back, there are racks for them for a reason and if I run over one it's your fault

I don't know. I guess I just want to go back to being happy.
I live in England, so there's no chance of me getting hold of a gun.
I feel like something inside me broke the other day. Like, my fear of death or something?
I'm still not planning on killing myself within the next 12 years.
Any social situation gives me extreme anxiety. I end up forgetting to breathe and passing out because my nerves are so bad.
I really hate religion. I haven't long quit the one I was forced to serve because my family does, so churches are a big no-no.
I don't really have a local park that I could safely go to on my own. Also not a fan of old people.
How can i have value if I'm useless? Literally nothing I do will have any effect on the world.
I think his goal is a very ambitious. I couldn't imagine doing one thing for so long. Also, i really didn't need to see a bunch of nude people in that first video.

I've read my share of comments from you that helped make my day or helped to turn a bad day around. Same thing goes for about 90% of the people on this site. You're not useless. Not to me anyway. Find something you like doing for you - wood working, comics, drawing, reading, music, exercise, building go carts, etc. Something you can enjoy and challenges you and allows you to learn. I haven't really been following this thread so maybe people said that already or I'm out of line.

@zont hey so this is really off topic but it’s bugging me. How am I supposed to pronounce your name? Is it like won’t but with a z or am I negative brain?

The oh is pronounced the same as in john