"My body's ready"
no kid this is in a song

"Who gives a fuck about an Oxford comma?"-Oxford Comma, Vampire Weekend

"Counting all the assholes in the room,
and I'm definitely not alone"
-"Counting" by Volbeat

"I park in handicapped spaces while handicapped people make hanicapped faces." -- Asshole by Denis Leary

"her kisses reconfigured my DNA and after that I never was the same."
- close but no cigar by Weird Al
Or
"my pancreas attracts every other pancreas in the universe with a force proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them"
-pancreas by Weird Al
Or the entirety of the song can't handle this by five iron frenzy

"I aint a juggalo but I always fuckin juggle hoes."
And later, in the same song
"Took her out to dinner, went and tried to kiss her, opened up my eyes the fuckin bitch was checkin twitter, (Ladies) I aint tryin to be rude but - I'd never date a bitch who instagrams her fuckin food."

Purple, what song is that?

She been drinking all day, girl needs to change bladders - The Weeknd... though not sure if it's correct <_<

Asshole by Ronnie Radke

"Mmmm satan you taste so goooooood"
-Repeat stuff, Bo Burnham