Who steals books? I mean, I would if I was a thief but...

I honestly have no sympathy for fat people. They're all like "My parents were fat!! :( that's why I don't have the self control to eat better ::(((" My parents are fat too, but because I actually care about my body and don't lack the "self control" to not overeat so much you become morbidly obese, I'm a perfectly healthy weight.

I overheard my basketball coach say she loved big dicks

Why is it like spoken over a man with a golden retriever frolicing with his children and beautiful wife.

http://i.imgur.com/fMCQvEw.jpg?1

He squish

I'm holding back tears in study hall

It's Prada, honey

Damn that's some flawless logic right there

69

True.

Why is he called Sam if his name is oscar.

Wow who wrote a comic about me

I always watch with subtitles on

Is your dad Snoop dogg

WALLACE

That's a party I want to be at

Time doesn't heal wounds, it just covers them up like a scab. But most people pick scabs.

I still use heebie-jeebies

I was going to say "drowning in pussy", but then I realized that I has my animals mixed up.

You were wrong

I'm all about that android life

My friend would metaphorically nut herself if she saw this