Though it is unlikely that you'll see this since your internet access seems to have been heavily restricted by your parents (mostly my fault, and I am so fucking sorry about that), I'm just gonna put this here anyway, for when you are able to return. Waiting is not, nor has ever been a problem for me. It's tough, not being able to talk to you, but I can do it. The hardest part though, is being unable to apologize properly for attempting to establish contact with your parents. The last thing I did was cause pain for you, and I can't even express my remorse, leaving your most recent memory of me as an unpleasant one. So if and when you do get this, know that I am sorry. Every day, I think about how badly I fucked up, and I am completely done with getting you into trouble. I'll refrain from making contact with you until you are able to do so and talk to me first.
Also, every single day from here until we next speak, I'll write a message, or something of that nature, for the purpose of sending to you and save it in a word document as a compilation. That way, when we are once again reunited, I'll be able to send it and in one message, and tell you everything that I've been thinking about in your absence. It's the most that I can do in this present situation, and I can only hope that it is enough.
I'm sorry if this seems odd, but while I have diligently checked my email and Funsubstance daily, awaiting your return, I've also visited your profile every once in a while. And that's what made me extremely excited, that you commented on a couple things two days ago, for the first time in weeks. You were here. I don't know if you still are, but if so, please let me know. I hope I didn't miss my only shot. Even if it's to tell me to leave you alone, and that you don't want to talk to me anymore, please tell me so I can work on moving on.
I'm guessing that you have to be very careful now that you're finally able to use your phone again, and that if you are seen typing too often or too much they will get suspicious. I've got a plan now that I think will work. Texting, calling, and facetiming are all very risky, because they could find out. However, your parents would probably not know to check funsubstance, and even if they did, they probably wouldn't know how to check notifications and find comments, so I think we're safe as long as we stick to this post for the time being. Nobody else has ever commented on it, so you and I are the only ones who will be notified of a new comment. (It sounds like I'm all business now, but I am freaking out on the inside. It's been over a month. So fucking long. I am completely giddy right now)
I'm fine with waiting a while to be able to actually talk, so just a comment here and there, it doesn't even have to be every day, just maybe a couple times a week, to let me know you're still there, and I'll probably type quite a bit more in response. If you want to talk more often than that, I would love that, but first priority at the moment is security. Your parents cannot find out. I don't want to try for another month without you in my life, plus I'm sure that sucked for you, losing access to the internet because of a stupid mistake I made. Above is my response that I commented moments after messing up with your parents, if you haven't read it yet.
It very much is my fault. I got impatient and tried to talk to them, thinking I could make them like me. Funny thing is, your mom asked me how I met you, and I came up with the perfect story with a bit of truth in it that she would believe and I think she'd be okay with. But I couldn't talk to you about whether or not to go with it first, so I just stopped replying.
she said that you were 30 because of the way you talked and then got mad cause she thought you were way older and she didn't believe me that you were 18
Wowww. I've had people think I was in my early twenties, but they were people I talked face to face with. They think that because of my maturity. I'm sure they'd think I was older if they couldn't see/hear me. It's actually a really common occurrence around me, and I don't hold it against her that she has doubts about my age, but she should at least trust her daughter.
If you'd like to sometime, you can read all about how I've been in your absence. I've got a word document with over 13,000 words in which I wrote to you every day, but didn't want to risk sending.
The email I have for you is [email protected]. Is this different than the one you just typed? That one's missing an "h", but that may be a typo.
Also, is there any chance of your parents seeing it and you getting into deeper shit?
This is awesome. I was thinking I'd only get to talk to you three days or so per week, but every single day? Now I won't be able to wait until school, rather than dreading it
I've received a couple emails from your address saying you don't want to talk to me anymore, and that our talking has destroyed your relationship with your parents. I voiced my doubt that it was actually you speaking, and I still don't believe that it is, though if it actually was I would back off immediately. The only way I'd believe it is if you tell me here, where your parents cannot facilitate anything. So, whenever you get this, was that actually you talking, and is that actually how you feel?
I got in so much trouble and my mom isn't even looking at me I don't know what else to do. My family is there for me all the time and I do nothing but rip us apart.
I'm sorry, it just didn't sound like you at all. I didn't think you'd just say something like that and leave without allowing any kind of communication. I'm also sorry you feel that way. It is very important that you keep on good terms with your family, especially your parents. But do you actually believe that I'm the cause of your problems with your family?
Very well. It hurts, but I was prepared to go this route if the situation ever arose. If you think that complying to your parents wishes will help mend the relationship with them, I really do want you to try for it. If you are able to maintain a happy life at home, then maybe that will be better for you than any semblance of happiness I could give you.
No, it's okay. It really is. I'll miss you of course, and if you ask me to, I'll wait. I may end up waiting anyway, and if you ever think that it is safe to come back, I will be here. I promise. If I'm upset, it's at myself. For continuing to talk to you when I knew there was a chance of you getting in trouble. That was incredibly selfish of me. I started to explain my way out of this, to tell you how you can both keep good terms with your parents and talk to me now and then, but I'm not gonna try that. I really think it is most important that you work on things at home right now. Every time you mentioned how you felt about your parents, I kinda wished you were able to get along with them, so you could have something like what I have with my parents. For right now at least, I agree that it's best that we keep from talking. I mean, I'd still be willing to talk to you via Funsubstance on occasion, for updates and such, but only if that's what you'd want.
I hope we can try to make this work in the future, but I apologize again for all the trouble I've caused in your life, and if this is really ending for good now, I'm sorry it had to be this way. But I'm not about to let something like this defeat me. Do I really want to throw away a possible future with the person I love most in the world just because it's gonna be tough for a while? Hell no. I don't know how you feel, but I'm still in love with you. You've earned my respect many times over, and I really admire you for making the difficult decision to cut ties with someone you've grown to love for the purpose of repairing the bond with your family. It's a choice I don't think I would have had the strength or resolve to make, and I stand by you all the way. So please, don't worry about me. Focus on your family, and I promise I'll wait. I will wait until your parents are okay with the idea of me being there, or at least until they're willing to give me a chance and meet me.
Until then, I think it will be easier for you if you're not constantly reminded of me, and I think it is important that we have as little contact as possible, maybe even none. This will both make it easier on both of us while enabling you to respect your parents' decision. And if we're not talking, there is no reason for them to feel betrayed. I'm doing this not only for us, but for them, and for your relationship with your family. Keep my number (269-830-4029), keep my email ([email protected]), hell, even keep my address (1100 Bell Avenue, New Buffalo MI), and if and when you and your family are ready, I'll be here. Since I won't be seeing you in the near foreseeable future, this is where I'll bid my farewell. Until you're ready, love.
I'm sorry to bother you, this is the last time I promise, but could I just get some kind of confirmation? I have no way of knowing if you've seen this, or what you think of it
Sorry about that, I only wanted to show you what I think of the situation and that I'm serious about waiting, and hopefully, trying again later.
And before that time comes, if you ever want to talk through something, I'll be here. I'm here for you, for anything. Every time I wander into your mind, just remember that I'm perfectly content to be waiting, and that I will be here backing you up all the way.
Not a bad cry, a cry in final realization that what you have been saying is real and you feel 100% the way you said you have and that all of it is real and its not some fucking like highschool, degrassi shit
I am for real on this, and I'm really glad you're finally able to see that. It's why I've never really bothered trying to date in the past. I couldn't see it actually going anywhere, so I didn't try. I couldn't be this serious about us if I didn't truly believe we could make it happen.
Nope, I'll not allow it. You can hate the situation, dislike your parents for causing it (you shouldn't hate them either), or hate the people who treat you like crap, but any hating of yourself is completely uncalled for. To me, you're the absolute best person in the world, and any hate directed at you is out of line. I love you completely, so you should love you too.
Is any of this your fault? Nope. Sure, you talked to me without permission, but no parent should try to control their child's love life. There was nothing wrong with your decision to continue talking to me, and even with you getting caught, it isn't your fault we barely get to talk.
As I said before, if you still want to keep things silent for the purpose of preserving your parents' happiness, I would be more than willing to comply. But if you decide it's safe to talk via funsubstance while you're at school, that works too.
I love you no matter what you decide. You're an amazing person, and thinking about you hating yourself makes me sad. So don't hate yourself, for both me and for you. Don't hate yourself please.
I know I've promised not to bother you unless you reach out to me first, but I feel that this is an event of sufficient magnitude to put a temporary hold on that agreement. And seeing as you won't be able to talk tomorrow......happy Valentine's Day.
There is every reason to. If you fail out of college, you won't be able to transfer to your school of choice, which is most likely where I'd end up going too. And I definitely don't want you compromising your health or success because of me.....
Anything I can do or say that will help you along?
I'll always be here, doing just that.
I've been missing you like crazy. I said I wouldn't try to contact you unless you did first, and for the purpose of respecting your decision, I've honored that. That's the only reason I haven't talked to you for the past few days. If you think I just didn't want to talk, that's not how it is. I'm just always waiting for you. So any time you decide you want to talk, I promise I'll be here <3
Do I need to explain again exactly why I feel in love with you? I think the fact that you're the first person I've been able to love in this way is more than reason enough to want to endure any and all hardships that may befall us. Even if they're inadvertently caused by us. I promise I'll always be here, and enjoying every minute of it.
Hey, I just woke up, and I really want to talk, but I've got to head to Menards to pick up some shit for our robotics team, but I really don't want to go but I don't have a choice, so I'll talk to you when I get back hopefully
Turned out being a 40 minute drive to Mendards, trip to ACE Hardware since Menard's didn't have our part, stopped to get food for the team, got dropped at my house to give my mom my info to add me to the insurance, and finally got back to the school, only to be pulled into a project getting our key wedge to work with our limited supply of sprockets
Sorry bout yesterday, I had school off for Presidents' Day, and we were rushing to get our robot done in time for the competition. But I'll be here today :)
I know, me too...I got crazy busy with trying to get our robot done by yesterday, and we were having problems up until the end. I really wanted to just drop everything and talk to you, but my team was counting on me and we had a deadline to fulfill
oh rad. I was really happy it was friday, then it was valentines day...without you and i got really bummed and depressed, but then i went to my mentor group.
About a week or two ago I started a mentor program for kids with self harming problems and kids with disabilities and ones who need special education. We made valentines day cards with the special ed kids. I read with the kids with disabilities and they read to me. And then I had an inspirational metalcore music music session with my self harm kids. Their ages range from 10-14 so im like a big sister to them. its really great some kids told me they hadnt self harmed since they met me and they look forward to seeing me on meeting days. I sang for them and played guitar and we all sang and talked and it was really great.
That sounds incredibly awesome, like I seriously want do do that kind of stuff with you. I may not make the best mentor since I can't understand fully where they're coming from, but it's really cool of you to do that. Damn you're awesome, I seriously don't know anybody who can surprise me as much and frequently as you can. And man I missed talking to you so much, this is the best feeling I can think of at the moment.
I've gotta take a Marketing test, but it shouldn't take more than 15 minutes or so. Maybe 20. It isn't starting right at this moment, but when I stop replying, you know where I'm at
Absolutely yes. You may not think so, but it is true nonetheless.
But it's not a bad thing that you aren't of the same opinion. It shows modesty, meaning you're even more awesome because of that.
Some girl in my mentor group, her names Jane, she saw my scars and told me i was pretty. I told her she was prettier and she hugged me. She motioned for me to kneel down and she looked me dead in thee eyes and said no you are beautiful, too beautiful o be hurting your self in such ugly ways, she ran her finger down my scars and hugged me. this girl is 10 years old....like im mentoring fucking oprah
That is an incredibly sweet and touching story. That kid right there is a good kid. It must have been so surreal to hear such profound words come from one so young. A very cool thing to experience. Time for test. See ya later.
I would love for you to come with me sometime. Me playing acusitc and singing to them is their favorite. I sually like lighter versions of songs by Sleeping with sirens, Of Mice&Men, Good Charlotte, Simple Plan, Blink 182, We the Kings, and Pierce the Veil. :3
you can youtube the Acoustic versions of the songs i play, MAtch in the water by PTV, Rodger rabbut SWS, Second and sebring OMM, Check yes Juliet WTK, March on GC they are really good. :)
but really id love for you to come and meet the kids that are so sweet. They amaze me, i swear. Its like they come from broken, abusive families and have so many psychological problems but all they do is give. The are so nice to eac hother and its really inspiring.
That would be incredible.
Since my car is fixed, all I have to do now is get it plated and such. From I think the first to the seventh of April, I have no school, so if something in that time would work, I'd love to come down and visit.
Cool. I can't wait now, both to see these kids, how you interact with them, and to hear you sing.
If it works out, bring your license. I wanna teach you how to drive stick :)
They gave us a fucking 2 hour delay. What's even the point of holding school if they're gonna delay it, we don't get anything done on these days anyway. I'm mainly just kinda pissed about that, but how're you doing?
I got a rhetorical analysis back today and got a 97%!! my first rhetorical analysis of the year i got 64%! Not only did i set the curve for the class but the teach quoted an excerpt from my paper in front of the class!!! :)
(My principal decided to sit in on our first hour class, so I couldn't use my computer at all :(
That's awesome! I don't like rhetorical analyses at all. I simply don't care about analyzing a passage for its usage of rhetorical devices in order to examine in what way the argument is intended to persuade viewers. I prefer to read for pleasure rather than dissecting my literature. But that's seriously cool that you had such great improvement!
So how's everything outside school?
umm, I don't leave my room much if that tells you anything. I finally started sorting and organizing my old vinyl's that I got ages ago and cleaned up my old turn table and play a lot of music though it. I have also been watching lots of Tim Burton movies. Still don't eat much but I have started taking somewhat of an interest in homework again.
It's good that you've gotten your schoolwork back on track, but eating is more important than even that. It's probably pretty annoying hearing stuff like that from me, so I'll leave you alone about that.
I can't believe you've got a turn table! My dad has one, but it needs a new needle. We have a lot of vinyls too, and I've always wanted to use them
No, you're never a bother to me. That stuff is just what I do in my spare time, like when I'm waiting to talk to you. You're the most important part of my day, they can wait until later.
nonono go do your fanfic I think its way rad, and yeah I have a massive vinyl collection. Mostly John Cougar Melloncamp, Led Zepplin, KISS, and Journey but I love them. I usually pick up like 3-5 vinyl's a week. I have it set up where every thrift store and records shop in my town puts vinyl's aside that I might enjoy and I pay them double for holding them :3
I can't really focus on writing that fanfic during school anyway. I'm mainly offering input based on the others' ideas.
Sounds like you've got a good relationship with the local vendors, but you'd think they'd have a better deal for such a devoted customer....
they offered me a better deal but they are little mom n pop locally own stores so I figured since records are going out of style I could help them out since they are not chain stores...
See? That right there is why you're such a fucking awesome person. You are completely selfless in nearly every situation, despite how you're treated. The mark of a truly good person.
I am beginning to wonder if I even deserve someone like you
You have given me no reason to assume otherwise.
Tell you what. Give me one reason, one example, showing why you don't think you're a good person. I can almost guarantee it's not as big a deal as you think, and there is no way it will change how I think of you. If anything, it will make me love you even more, for being able to share something about yourself that you're not proud of. If it would help, I could go first
Is that really why you feel so bad? Trust me, this isn't even close to a big deal. I've hit people before too, once my cousin, and once some kid who was bullying a friend of mine. There are often reasons for violence in such situations, times where it cannot be avoided. And even if it wasn't necessary, acting in the heat of the moment is not something I'd condemn anyone for.
As for cutting off her ponytail.....that's fucking hilarious! I've wanted to do stuff like that all the time, but here you've actually had the courage to get shit done! Damn that's awesome, I bet she deserved it. But it didn't do any lasting harm to her, so there is no reason to feel bad about it
As for mine, let's see..........
I was raising money for my class's trip to Washington D.C, but none of my classmates were bringing in anything. All money made by each student would be evenly split among the class. I was getting TONS of donations, and they were all being lazy cause they knew their rich parents would cover everything else. I couldn't stand how unfair it was, so I kept some of the money I made for myself. I thought they didn't deserve it, so I just kept it. I was making so much, nobody noticed. And that, I feel like shit about to this day.
nah it was pretty rad everyone scared of me cause I shaved the other hail and had a badass purple Mohawk lol and nah I don't think what you did was bad....
There you go, turning an unfavorable situation to your advantage.
I guess I'll just have to work on letting what I did go. If I really think about it, they didn't deserve any of the money, but it was still stealing. It's funny, I think about others doing it, and I can't think poorly of them at all. But I do it, and I realize it affects the one doing it more than others. Probably like with what happened to you. I don't think it was bad at all, but I wasn't the one doing it. Probably affected you more.
I've been thinking, and most of what you've seen of me is a completely new side of me. This is my first time dating, so I'm completely in new territory, and everything I do and say is new even to me. I've never said these types of things before. But that also means you don't really know the regular side of me, like how I act around friends. The hilarious side of me. Because we're dating, I phrase everything differently. I don't try as hard to be funny, and looking back, much of what I've said has been bland. This stuff just generally comes easer when I talk over the phone or in person. So if and when I end up seeing you, I might act a little differently than you'd expect. I hope this doesn't change the way you think of me, but I also really want to let you get to know who I really am. And I want to know what you're like too.
[email protected]
Also, is there any chance of your parents seeing it and you getting into deeper shit?
And before that time comes, if you ever want to talk through something, I'll be here. I'm here for you, for anything. Every time I wander into your mind, just remember that I'm perfectly content to be waiting, and that I will be here backing you up all the way.
Is any of this your fault? Nope. Sure, you talked to me without permission, but no parent should try to control their child's love life. There was nothing wrong with your decision to continue talking to me, and even with you getting caught, it isn't your fault we barely get to talk.
I love you no matter what you decide. You're an amazing person, and thinking about you hating yourself makes me sad. So don't hate yourself, for both me and for you. Don't hate yourself please.
Please try to eat? And keep on top of your schoolwork?
Anything I can do or say that will help you along?
I've been missing you like crazy. I said I wouldn't try to contact you unless you did first, and for the purpose of respecting your decision, I've honored that. That's the only reason I haven't talked to you for the past few days. If you think I just didn't want to talk, that's not how it is. I'm just always waiting for you. So any time you decide you want to talk, I promise I'll be here <3
I just realized I haven't said that in a while, and I feel like saying it now
About a week or two ago I started a mentor program for kids with self harming problems and kids with disabilities and ones who need special education. We made valentines day cards with the special ed kids. I read with the kids with disabilities and they read to me. And then I had an inspirational metalcore music music session with my self harm kids. Their ages range from 10-14 so im like a big sister to them. its really great some kids told me they hadnt self harmed since they met me and they look forward to seeing me on meeting days. I sang for them and played guitar and we all sang and talked and it was really great.
But it's not a bad thing that you aren't of the same opinion. It shows modesty, meaning you're even more awesome because of that.
Man, now I really want to hear you sing.
Since my car is fixed, all I have to do now is get it plated and such. From I think the first to the seventh of April, I have no school, so if something in that time would work, I'd love to come down and visit.
If it works out, bring your license. I wanna teach you how to drive stick :)
So what days do you usually do that mentoring thing?
That's awesome! I don't like rhetorical analyses at all. I simply don't care about analyzing a passage for its usage of rhetorical devices in order to examine in what way the argument is intended to persuade viewers. I prefer to read for pleasure rather than dissecting my literature. But that's seriously cool that you had such great improvement!
So how's everything outside school?
I can't believe you've got a turn table! My dad has one, but it needs a new needle. We have a lot of vinyls too, and I've always wanted to use them
Sounds like you've got a good relationship with the local vendors, but you'd think they'd have a better deal for such a devoted customer....
I am beginning to wonder if I even deserve someone like you
Literally im not even that good of a person..you always say that but im really not.
Tell you what. Give me one reason, one example, showing why you don't think you're a good person. I can almost guarantee it's not as big a deal as you think, and there is no way it will change how I think of you. If anything, it will make me love you even more, for being able to share something about yourself that you're not proud of. If it would help, I could go first
As for cutting off her ponytail.....that's fucking hilarious! I've wanted to do stuff like that all the time, but here you've actually had the courage to get shit done! Damn that's awesome, I bet she deserved it. But it didn't do any lasting harm to her, so there is no reason to feel bad about it
I was raising money for my class's trip to Washington D.C, but none of my classmates were bringing in anything. All money made by each student would be evenly split among the class. I was getting TONS of donations, and they were all being lazy cause they knew their rich parents would cover everything else. I couldn't stand how unfair it was, so I kept some of the money I made for myself. I thought they didn't deserve it, so I just kept it. I was making so much, nobody noticed. And that, I feel like shit about to this day.
I guess I'll just have to work on letting what I did go. If I really think about it, they didn't deserve any of the money, but it was still stealing. It's funny, I think about others doing it, and I can't think poorly of them at all. But I do it, and I realize it affects the one doing it more than others. Probably like with what happened to you. I don't think it was bad at all, but I wasn't the one doing it. Probably affected you more.