Holy shit its like looking into the eyes of the devil, and remembering all the fucking sins you've made.
4Reply
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Edited 8 years ago
deleted
· 8 years ago
*eye contact made*
Me: oh shit better think fast
vendor: sir can I interest you in a...
Me: There you are! I've been looking for you since last Christmas when you sold me one of (insert product name here), it broke and I need a refund
vendor: oh shit better think fast
Me: Sir, are you listening?
vendor: no refunds!
Me: *nailed it*
vendor: *nailed it*
Keep making eye contact. Stare them deep in the eye as you approach them. Get uncomfortably close as you maintain eye contact. Then close the distance between your faces. Press your mouthparts together in an animalistic display of affection.
Because then they try to sell you something. Flashback to long long ago.... You're standing on a busy street, in the midst of a Persian bazaar. Dogs are barking, carts are rolling, merchants are hawking their wares, shouting above the din. The spicy scent of paprika and cayenne fills the hot air. You are merely a servant, sent to buy stock for the kitchens. You only have enough currency to buy what you need. Suddenly, one of the merchants looks you deep in the eyes. You try to run, but it's too late. The merchant runs towards you, holding a large, moist basket. He begins to shout at you in a foreign language, one you have never heard in your life. He pulls a long, slimy eel from the basket, a creature you have never seen before. He begins to wave the eel in wild gestures, pantomiming various uses for the eel, while still shouting in the same language. You do not know what he is doing or what he is saying. He holds up three fingers, as if expecting you to buy the eel. You cannot.
And then when they drag you over cause you can't say no to anything, they start putting their fucking cream or whatever on your arm, then bam, hives, red splotches, hard to breathe. God dammit i hate mall kiosks
Me: oh shit better think fast
vendor: sir can I interest you in a...
Me: There you are! I've been looking for you since last Christmas when you sold me one of (insert product name here), it broke and I need a refund
vendor: oh shit better think fast
Me: Sir, are you listening?
vendor: no refunds!
Me: *nailed it*
vendor: *nailed it*