Excepting that it needs a period, isn't the original sentence grammatically correct? I mean, if you really wanted to, you could put commas in like the men did, but it is also acceptable as is.
That's a really good point- the reason I posted this was to show how the male and female brains could work differently on the same exact problem. Neither being wrong, exactly, but both being detrimental to the other in different ways. At least that's how I took this :-)
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