'the ability to fly when you really have to take a shit'
just hold it in and you can fly for about 20 minutes, how is that useless?
'The ability to run at 60 mph but only on Fridays from 8 am to 9 am'
That isn't useless at all, if you don't sleep in like a goddamn bear
'The ability to burst into songs out of nowhere'
You could become a musician and record yourself constantly, make bank.

Oh, you're a vampire?

Talk about motorboating...

Hey look, it's Dudley Dursley.

(SPOILERS for Season 1)
As an SAO fan, I love most of it. What parts don't I like? Kirigaya, Kirigaya, but most of all, Kirigaya. His character is pretty constantly contradicting itself, and he has WAAAAAY too many plot-armour moments. Also, he's way too damn OP compared to everybody else in the game, "because he's a beta tester". Remember when he was attacked by 7 people at the same time but his health regen. was 10x higher than their DPS? Remember when he hacked the coding to save Yui's life, because she was a fan-favourite? Remember when he tied in a fight to the death with the god damned creator of the game?! The series is good, Kirito is not.

*backflips away*

You said they were lifetime, right? Or is it just one of those bullshit 'we think this is how many portions one would eat in their life' winnings?

Nope, that's Rick Astley.
(yes, I've meme-orized the link to Rick Astley. Don't talk to me.)

Isn't that highly illegal without consent? Even with consent, I'm pretty sure lil' Timmy over there with lung cancer needs them more than these kids need a real-world example of something they've been taught 5000 times.

SAM NO Q-Q