I genuinely can't describe how much this all meant to me. I needed every word of all that, so thank you. I hadn't even really thought about most of the things you guys cleared up for me. I've been feeling totally overwhelmed and just done because I haven't been better after, because I feel worse and I thought that wasn't normal. I'm going to bring it up with my brother and get it in thee open after seeing how much just typing it out and having people respond helped. I'm starting to understand my family's side of things more now. What ya'll said makes total sense in particular with them. Will they stop being different after a while? I don't want to be treated like they are on eggshells for the rest of my life. Is that something that even goes away? I'm going to start a diary like you said, @parisqeen. I'm seeing a three psych people regularly because my brother got me into different programs. One is the one the pple at the hospital 'recommended'. Other two are ones him and Emi-

chose for me. I see at least two a week, and the third is thrown in sometime every other. How do I start trusting myself? I don't really even know what that really means. I feel like I'M walking on eggshells with myself all the time, but I don't think that's something that goes away. Is it normal to get kind of angry that they're trying to help? I know it sounds (and is) awful of me, but sometimes all I feel from it is anger. It's like they only are trying to help after I hit rock bottom, and now they're trying to fix me 100%. They made me change rooms because my sister in law believes that maybe the power meter is affecting my energies of something. And I know it's her trying to fix me, but it felt s cheap, ya know? I don't even know why it does. She monitors what I eat, and I know it's because she cares, but all I can think is 'why didn't you care before when I stopped eating?' and my brother takes me to shrink after shrink but why didn't he believe me a year ago when I told him

That I needed to see someone for what was wrong with me? It's like I feel like an awful weight on their shoulders at the same time as I'm their charity case. My mom won't see me, my two sisters haven't seen me, my father hasn't seen me, and now I'm living with my brother and how can I believe that he actually cares because it's like they only care to help after it was almost too late. I told them so many times I was struggling, everyone in the family has seen my scarring and only my mom saw fit to ask me about them, and it was only to tell me to 'stop because no one likes being around people with scars and who will marry you then?' and I mean how can I believe that they care when they let me break in full view without even a word said to me. How can I trust that it's not going to go back to the same uncaring routine as soon as they know I'm sticking around?

Ugh I need to stop ranting. All this is just kind of bubbling up now and I think a lot of it is because I'm feeling extra displaced after they had me switch rooms. I just don't know how this is ever going to go away. It feels like I'm moving through this fog all the time, like I'm scared and guilty to even talk to someone, and like I have this twisting thing wrapped up in my gut and I keep getting these awful migraines and I'm never going to be able to forget anything because of all the freaky scarring and how can we move on when I'm always dragging us back like that? Why can't I just be better now?

I’m glad to help! Reach out any time, okay? I can feel that you want to get better and that you’re frustrated, but you don’t know where the frustration belongs. I think your journal should start with affirmations. Something like: I am going to survive. My family loves me and cares what I do. I make them happy. Idk, only you can decide what speaks straight to your fears and frustrations and your hopes and dreams. Writing them down and then reading them every morning and night will help you make sure the frustration you feel doesn’t spill over and diminish the positive aspects of your life. I know you’re scared that your family will always treat you differently and I will promise you this– your family’s attitude will be less stressed and more normal with time, just like you will. With the attitude you have now, you will get back to a place where you don’t feel like you’re walking on eggshells with yourself or anyone else. The only reason you are reaching out and getting impatient is

because the healthy, happy person inside you is finally growing and wants to be in charge now, and that’s awesome. It won’t happen overnight and you’ll second guess yourself, but you’re going to be okay. I think your family messed up by not helping you in the right way before. It sounds like they were trying their best, but they didn’t know how deep your pain ran. Now that they know, it will take them a little bit to learn where your pain is coming from and how to address it in a way that helps you. In the past, I’m sure they didn’t know how to tell you to eat or stop cutting that actually would speak to you in a meaningful way. But now they have a chance to learn how to help you. Let them know what you’re thinking and let them know when things are bad and they will have your back. You CAN trust them in that, okay? They always cared, they just didn’t know how to communicate that to you. Last thing: Your message started positive and thankful and then went to a spot where you felt

overwhelmed. It’s okay to be all over the place. You’re healing. Try to boil down what you are feeling emotional about (good AND bad) in your journal. Be brutally honest and, like @parisqueen said, it doesn’t even have to make sense or even be words. Just try and focus it down to several main points, and work on those with yourself and with your doctors. If you do this, it will minimize your frustration boiling over and tainting all the good stuff in your life. The best thing you can do is build up the positive elements in your reality and identify the negative elements to help the doctors get a plan to manage them. Over time, those negative things will be little jerks that you can recognize right away and deal with. I hope this all makes sense to you. What do you think, @parisqueen? I’m more of a step-by-step problem solver, but you have a much better emotional intuition than me.

Thanks for the encouragement, @jasonmon. I'm going to take the journal advise r now actually. I have been cuddling my puppy for about 2 hours now and I'm feeling a bit better.

I just wanted to say again that you guys caring enough to give me advise and talk me through it even though you don't know me means the world to me. Thank you guys for being good people. I genuinely am being serious when I say I wouldn't be here if I hadn't had that conversation with all of you guys when I was bad off. So thank you heck of a tons. My dog is probably is likewise appreciative as you guys have helped me lessen the length of todays hug fest. ( in which she goes along with me needing to squeeze the crap out of her while occasionally crying into her fur)

Haha, it sounds like you have a good pup. What's her name? I'm on here quite a bit, so please always reach out even if it seems dumb. I'm happy to chat, and I have been able to help some great people get through some seriously crazy stuff.

Wonderful advice @jasonmon, I totally agree. Wimsy, never apologise for ranting, RANT please! The best thing you can do, is talk. Like you said yourself, you don't realise how much better and clearer things feel until you talk to someone and they talk back so I think talking to your brother is exactly what you should be doing, even if he doesn't understand it's really important to let him know how you're feeling. I'll start by answering all your questions individually, so prepare for some long paragraphs haha
Yes. Your family will go back to treating you normally eventually, it does take awhile but you'll start to notice after sometime (and I mean awhile, I know you want to feel better instantly but time is honestly what you need rn), you start to see they'll joking with you more and they're taking more risks with their words or letting you out of their sight more often. It doesn't happen instantly, imagine it like their foot is on the break in a car, right now their feet are pressed

right down against the floor but they’ll slowly start weaning off of it and eventually, they’ll let you go again. No break, no tension. Coming to trust yourself is a different story, the time it takes is dependant on you. The first thing you need to do is accept how you feel, what you felt before and any of those scary thoughts that you don’t like thinking about because that side of you scares you. For example, when I was in your position I once looked up to my ceiling fan and imagined myself hanging there, I completely freaked out and scared myself thinking “why would I think that!?” “Am I gonna do it?!” all those nasty thoughts. I suppressed it and didn’t want to accept I even had the capacity to think things like that. Slowly, I introduced myself to the “dark part” of my brain, I breathed deep and said out loud “I think bad things sometimes, that’s okay. I know I am sad and I know that thoughts like this come along with that but I am still in control, I am still myself and those

thoughts are a part of me. They are only thoughts, they do not reflect who I am or what I want”.
In your journal (amazing job for starting look at you go), write down these thoughts, those ones you’re scared to think about. Do it gently, don’t do it all at once, you need to pace yourself. With time (you’ll see time is a reoccurring pattern here), you will trust yourself again, even when similar thoughts return they won’t scare you, you can just accept them, go alright that’s there, then let them pass.

It is SO normal to get angry. That’s usually the first reaction, it’s fucking frustrating when people treat you like you’re glass. Like they know you better than you know yourself, like they care all of a sudden, like “oh okay NOW my problems are real to you!”. When you feel this, try and shape that anger into something softer, you’re angry but in the end everything they’re doing is for you, let them do what they want because they’re not just helping you but they’re helping themselves. The difficult thing to comprehend is that, they don’t understand what you’re feeling, it’s kinda weird to think about but depression unless experienced is very difficult to believe. So before, when you told them you were sad/empty, when they saw your cutting, they didn’t get it. To people who don’t understand it looks like you’re wanting attention. People are afraid of what they don’t understand. Now that they’ve seen you actually wanted to die, it’s all very real all of a sudden.

Although it feels awful and almost unfair that they’re only now realising the true severity of it, it’s because they’re only now processing what you’ve been feeling this entire time under the surface, because they’ve finally seen your emotions externalised. You have to try and see it from their view, although it feels like ‘why should they be the ones upset? I’m the one suffering’, they can’t feel what you feel, try and let yourself give them a little leeway, give them time to come to terms with it all, help them understand. I can’t guarantee how your family will treat you once you’ve healed but I can assure you they’re not going to be uncaring. They’re going to be more aware of the effects of depression/anxiety/trauma. They want you around so they’re not going to intentionally do something to harm you.
Your cuts and scars, they’re just some scar tissue. That’s all, lumpy bumpy scar tissue. The thing that hurts is the intentions and feelings behind those scars.

In other words, those scars aren’t dragging you back and they’re actually powerless once you sort through the intentions behind them. You cut because you wanted to feel something, because you felt worthless, because it gave you a release maybe when you did it. Look at your scars, touch them, feel them. Don’t be ashamed of them, they’re a part of you but they don’t have to be scary or something to cover. They’re a part of your life that hurt and that’s okay, when you process that pain, you’ll look at those scars and that’s all they’ll be, just skin and tissue, like any other scar. You need to stop shutting out bad memories and bad feelings, when you keep pushing them back it becomes hard for you to actually makes sense of where they even came from. When you see your psych’s, you need to tell them to shut up for a little bit and you need to talk, just talk about everything and anything, good and bad. Eventually just talk about bad memories from the past, ask yourself questions, make the

present much easier. Ask your psych to explain why this happens? why does my body and brain react this way? If you want. Sometimes (depending on the person) it helps to know the physical side and the hormonal side so it doesn’t all seem like this dark curse but instead an understandable hormonal unbalance in the brain. Also, you're doing a freaking good job, tell yourself you're proud of your process so far. It's important to encourage yourself. If it's easier start with something negative "Well that was stupid and I fucked up but hey, I'm taking the first step to recovery and I am the one in control of that". You're a warrior. You are literally battling right now but you're winning cause you're asking questions, you're seeking help, you're starting a journal, you're talking to your family and you're letting yourself think not just be. And all of that is your doing so pat yourself on the back and keep moving forward.

Y'all are the best. Thank you so much for the encouragement, @parisqeen and @jasonmon and for the support. I actually for real feel hopeful for the first time in a while. You guys helped me tons and I appreciate that you took the time to talk to me when i was having a really rough time. Feeling out of control is one of the hardest things for me, and you guys helping me understand and know how to go about things has really helped. Oh almost forgot, In answer to the dog query, My doggos name is 'Sage' because she tore up my miniature herb garden (three tiny pots of Sage and lemongrass) and I couldn't name her lemongrass, so Sage it was! She's my best buddy and an amazing cuddler despite her hyperness. She's also pretty squishy so her hugs are extremely satisfying.

Lol, Sage is perfect! I'm glad you have a snuggly puppy to lean on. Again, I'm glad we could help and reach out any time, okay? You'll be emotionally up and down for a while and that's okay. And I just realized I misread your name, @parisqeen. Sorry about that! :)

Sage is such a cute and pretty name for a dog wow. Also don't even worry bout it Jason, everybody does hahaha