Props @aviva. @joyous- I come to tell my truth, not tell what is always pleasant. There’s some good advice here. Men are simple but complex creatures. The things in our lives and who we are can effe t our relationships. If I’m working on a project- I still love and miss people, but I can throw every bit of free time I have at my project and if you call or ask for anything that will interfere with my schedule I will seem bothered. It isn’t a lack of love or even that I don’t want to “have lunch” or “talk,” it’s that I have one thing on my mind and anything else is a distraction at that moment. The sooner I finish- the sooner I can get back to life. If things aren’t going well or I am stuck and puzzling solutions- I will seek withdrawn or agitated but I’m not. I’m just focused. Men can get depressed, scared, and many men have insecurities that feel they can’t express to anyone or especially to their partner because it will diminish them. “Can I afford to provide her a...”

“This mistake from my past will cause problems in our future and then it will be fault that we can’t...” so on. BUT! If it isn’t anything like that, stress etc. the other common ones are: men often withdraw when they feel negative pressure. If men are feeling overwhelmed or for lack of a better word “smothered,” they tend to pull back. When they pull back, many people push harder, pushing harder causes them to pull back more, and things get out of hand. At the same time though, if they pull back, and the other person pulls back completely, the distance can grow too great. That part is balance. Finding that spot where they have enough space for the moment, but minding the gap so coming back is a walk across the street and not a cross continental divide.

YOU CAN SKIP THE FIRST 2 BUT PLEASE READ THIS ONE:
In the end regardless of “why,” the truth is people love differently. You can call it their “love language” if you like, but we all love in our own way, show it, and want to receive it in our own way. A person can only love you the best they know how. It’s harsh, but they can love you more than anyone has ever loved anyone else and it still won’t be enough- not because their love isn’t good enough for you, but because it isn’t right for you. Some people will show love by buying things, others by sex, others write poems, give hugs, cook, some even show it by yelling and seeming like jerks, because that is how they know to love. We can learn new ways to express our love, but we can’t change those fundamental things we need from love or the fundamental nature of our instincts in love. Learning is a gradual process and the more extreme the change of behavior to instinct, the longer it takes and the less chance it will ever be “perfect”...

... to what we want. In the end though- love is about compromise. Movies and fiction set us up to fail at love with ideas of grand and unsustainable gestures, or ideas that we will meet someone who is somehow naturally just a perfect fit into our lives and a perfect provider of all our wants and needs. That is why it is called fantasy. Real love is complex. It also isn’t the romantic fiction of this “hard battle” that everything should be a struggle or difficult. It’s about a person we feel a certain way about, who fits into our lives well enough, and that we must occasionally make efforts and sacrifices to keep in our lives. Love is imperfect by nature, and the ideal imperfect love is different for us all. Myself and no one else can tell you as simple as “stay” or “go,” or give you a checklist or a road map to go off. What we can do is give experiences and help frame your thoughts and needs.

It sounds like this is just how he actually is.
He may not be Asexual but he is definitely not a big affectionate person.
But it appears you are.
You need to decide if what you have with him is worth sticking around for and just letting go the need for affection.
Or
You will have to realize that you need that affectionate relationship and will have to leave to find someone on your level.
There will be other people in time and they have a good chance of giving you all you need in a relationship.
But you need to decide if that is what you want. Or you can drag this along and see where it goes.
You can't make him be more affectionate if that is not who he is. You would be changing him in an area that. Can make him feel unhappy.
Because it is one thing to ask someone to change from a slob to someone who cleans or from a jerk to a nicer person but to say you need to show more affectionate is hard on a person.

So ask yourself this- if you found a food that tastes good, looks pleasant, had 0 fat, low calories, high nutrition, affordable, convenient, BUT it would slowly make your hair and teeth fall out if you keep eating it long enough... would you keep eating it out of fear that you may not find something as good? Probably not. So why is mental health so different? If you know you’ll be harmed, what is worse about something else that may not be as perfect in so many ways, but won’t slowly make you lose parts of yourself? That is what it comes down to. If you think you can endure while he works at changing, and know you can be alright if he never succeeds despite his efforts, if you believe you’ve built enough together to make it worth the time you’ll spend while you both adjust to a compromise that will be less than perfect- then you try and work it out. If you know that deep down you need more, that the affection he lacks is something that you need- do t deprive yourself....

He will feel that as long as he makes you happy that is all you care about. Like the relationship only matters how you feel. And you don't want that trust me.
I been in those relationships I felt like I didn't matter. Only they did.
You will have to just accept this is as much as he can give.
If you feel like leaving than explain to him how you feel about what you want in a relationship and you accept he can't give you it but you need it so you think you should break up so you two can find someone that will give you what you need.
You are both still young. You still have time to find that real soul mate.

... staying out of fear of a worse alternative is itself an answer to the question. Logically if you are “half happy,” and have reason to believe that wont likely ever change meaningfully- then the alternative is what? Being “half happy” with someone else for another reason? So there isn’t a lot to risk there- but the gamble is that you may find something that makes you “whole happy,” so there is a potential to succeed- so we must asses our potential to “fail” at happiness by staying, if we don’t think there will be change let us call that 95%, making potential happiness staying 5%, versus a 50/50 chance elsewhere... the numbers show us that there is no logic there, nor is there logic in the idea that time invested is reason to continue to sink more time. It’s called a sunk cost fallacy.

To continue to take losses on a losing effort simply because you’ve “already put so much in...” it’s a big part of how casinos stay rich. You’ve likely owned underwear longer than 2 years and after all the support you still toss a comfy bra when the underwire starts poking into your armpit- if you can’t sew it and the rest is still good. So step back and ask the real question of: can you deal with this level of affection or do you NEED more? Love begins as selfish. It is about us, what we want and who can give it to us, how someone makes us feel. It evolves to be selfless as we get to know a person and bond. Time isn’t the deciding factor- you can spend 10 years together and not be willing to take a bullet for them or be able to tell when they had a hard day by looking at them, or 2 weeks and know everything about them. Take time out of it. Think about you. Love requires all be happy. Love demands that if we know our partner is unhappy relating to us and we can’t do anything that we...

... let them go, only selfish love tries to cage a person who is unhappy in a relationship out of fear for ones self. So you’re 21- and not to “old adult” on you- that’s young. You’re really young. Sorry. I used to hate that too. I’m not dismissing you or calling this puppy love. You’re an adult. I’m saying that at 21 there is almost no chance you’ve really “found yourself” completely yet- or anywhere close. You have a responsibility to find yourself. Emotionally, physically, mentally- to form strong opinions about the things you like and don’t- you’re discovering what you need and to be honest- you don’t really know right now. But you have some good ideas. You’ve been on earth for 21 years, and “adult” for 3, and likely engaged in semi adult experimentation for between 5-8 years. So you have some life experiences and may have some strong needs and no’s figured out. But there’s a lot more to figure out.

So your task here is to figure out if this is something you need, and if it’s something he can give. I wouldn’t be rash. Get through the unpleasant moment at hand, give yourself some time and actively live the moments. Pay attention to yourself and analyze your thoughts and feelings in the coming months. it’s very easy to get upset when things are going poorly and then forget completely when things are fun and exciting. It’s very easy to get stuck in a cycle if it’s a poor fitting relationship- where you cruise through the fun parts and then hit hard lows where your mind keeps returning to the same issues that never get resolved, only forgotten the next time things are going well... and repeat. That’s the situation you want to avoid. Relationships have ups and downs, and we all have our own issues- but if you’re trapped in a cycle of not being able to ever get past the same issue- that’s almost always a sign that two people aren’t meshing well. Wether it’s compliments, affection, sex..

.. chores, whatever- there are things we all NEED from a partner and to others it may seem silly but that is because their needs are different from ours. If you NEED sex regularly and are in a relationship with someone who just cannot come anywhere near that, and can’t arrange a compromise- you will be unhappy. If you make decisions all day and come home and want someone who takes changes and handles the “day to day” and makes the tough decisions, you will not be happy with someone who doesn’t. No matter how great they are as a person. That doesn’t mean you never cared for them or that your happy memories are gone. They were life experiences. You can’t live in Disney Land- you go there for a few days, have fun, and then you leave. That’s how it works, because for all it’s magic and fun, you have a job, pets, other things and it can’t provide all your needs at a price you can pay long term. Life is impermanent. Summer is enjoyed until it is over, then we do it all again next time.

Some things last longer than others, maybe our whole life. Some things last minutes or years. But everything has an expiration date. So don’t fixate in that either. Decide what you want and need, figure out if you can get it, that’s all there is. Neither one of you will be happy long term of one of you isn’t. Resentment and other things come from those negative feelings, from the conflict and from being someone you aren’t or missing something you need. As you can see from the present predicament- the mood of one effects the other, so your long term homework is to figure out if you think you can be happy, and monitor that. To the situation at hand- there are a million reasons why he may be acting differently. He may even feel resentment that he is trying his hardest and feels like he is just being asked for more and not recognized and appreciated for trying to meet younas best he can. He may be afraid of what that means long term for the two of you and is preemptively preparing himself

for what he thinks is your slow and inevitable rejection of him, or his slow and inevitable rejection out of resentment and having to be what he isn’t. Who knows. I talk a lot though- so I’ll give you the BEST shortest advice for relationships I can. Talk to him. Listen to him. Even what he doesn’t say. Don’t try and figure it out, just talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Avoid “you” statements. No “I feel bad when you...” or “lately you have...” just “I feel like lately there has been more distance and less affection than usual between us...” only use “you” statements positively like “I have noticed you made great efforts to try and compromise on affection... I feel like lately though there has been even more distance between us...” avoid things that can seem like an attack or accusation, “blame” language, absolutes (never, always, etc.) and LISTEN. Ask questions but avoid anger or offense.

Wow, I am so grateful for all the advice! A very big thank you mrscollector & guest_ for all the effort you've put in the messages. I like the honesty in it and so much wisdom! I will re-read the shit out of this, haha.

It’s possible he may say things that upset or hurt to hear- but it’s key to not pick at those things or get overly emotional, and to especially NEVER BRING THEM UP LATER IN AN ARGUMENT OR TO ISE AGAINST HIM. Men will share with you, but most men are conditioned from youth that sharing feelings or even having certain ones is weakness and not for men. Men get older and involved and many have poor experiences in early relationships because they share their thoughts or feelings like their partners request and then find that their partners get angry at them, punish them, or later use the things they shared against them. Combined this conditions many men to not open up emotionally because they fear that they will be seen as “less,” and that they will simply make things worse. They then decide to internalize problems, to “just deal with it” themselves or to get inside their own heads instead of addressing it. That causes men to act out in other ways because they can’t process the feelings...

... in a healthy and constructive manner. So- talk to him. Ask him what’s wrong and through actions and manner, let him know you’re listening and you care, and that he won’t get in trouble or be less of a man for sharing with you. Nothing can hurt a real man in the way someone he loves can, and so men have some natural fear of that which we love most, because it is our greatest strength and greatest weakness. Because it makes us vulnerable when everything about traditional masculinity is about not being vulnerable ever, being invulnerable or the illusion being the goal- and because a man’s partner has everything they need to emotionally and financial devestate or destroy them. Men can be dumb, but only the dumbest man doesn’t realize on some level that his partner had the power to close their fist and turn him into a crippled mess. You have that power- please be responsible. Men’s hearts are delicate because they generally don’t get let out into the world as much. So make deep talks..

.. a “safe space” for him so that he knows he can let his out around you. In closing: homework:
1. Ask him what’s wrong. Find out, deal with it tactfully.
2. Figure out what you need, and if you think you can get it. If you NEED affection and can’t get it, you have an easy choice that is hard to make. If you discover that you want it, but can live without it, you have a harder choice. Either way best of luck. Don’t jump to conclusions. Just go talk to the guy. OH! Feed him first and don’t do it right after work or right before bed. But make sure he has food in him- good food is better.

@joyous @mrscollector- thank you. And sorry I cut in to your post mrsC. I was spamming and didn’t know.

I don't give relationship advice but here is A REALLY good playlist from School of Life on Relationships that's helped me a lot
RELATIONSHIPS: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLwxNMb28XmpcEwc0qydf2jSszQFSht81E