@xvarnah Thanks for tagging me. I, for one, didn‘t see myself as one of those you‘d select. You and @mrscollector have pretty much said what I was going to say.
@pbachman21 I hope I can be of help. I‘ve been there. About 80% of my childhood and 45% of my teenagehood was lived indoors. I wasn‘t allowed to communicate with anyone whatsoever. So I was alone always and I made a whole fictional world in my mind(so you‘re not alone there haha). I was the only girl and I lost my mom much earlier before. So all I had was a dad and 2 brothers. I was really young at that time and didn‘t really care about how I looked, but then my dad started calling me ugly. Every single day, he‘d take the opportunity to call me names. He said I‘d be a prostitute and that I was a big liar. He‘d point out every single ‘flaw‘ I had(I thought I had) and say I‘d never be able to get married. I was 10 by the way.

Why he did that, I have no idea. My brothers found what he did funny and copied him. My take on myself changed to “I‘m ugly“ “I‘m pathetic,“ etc. I began to hate myself more and I grew up with the mentality that I was nothing and I could never amount to anything. I became self-aware of every ‘flaw‘ I had. I got out of there with help from my extended family when I was 15 and left the city I was in to school somewhere else. There, I happened to share a room with a girl who appeared to have the most amazing life and a great family. I wanted a life like hers. I got to know her and she happened to be one of the most spoiled and arrogant girl there, surprisingly she‘d say things like “I wish I had your life“ “You‘re acting that way because you have a better life than I do.“ Once, she cried because she didn‘t have the life I did.

Which sounded extremely weird because I had always seen her as better than I was. I was like ‘no, you have the wrong person. I‘m pathetic.‘ I hated the decision to go to that school, but my stay there made me realise that you aren‘t always how you see yourself. The things you hate about yourself, are the things someone else could kill to have. For every single lie my dad made me believe, I got a truth. I‘ve typed so much already I hope I haven‘t missed the point I was trying to make. Anyway, what you believe you are is exactly how you will see yourself. You aren‘t ugly, and you aren‘t pathetic. Being chubby doesn‘t disqualify you as an amazing person. What matters is who you are as person and how you treat people and your ability to love and care for others.

At the end of the day, when we all grow older, Ashley with the curves will be a plank. Skinny Madison will blow up like a balloon. And Suzanne with the flawless skin will all be wrinkled up. Decide to be positively impactful. That‘s what our world needs right now. Curves and a perfect skin haven‘t taken us anywhere. If you want to lose weight, do that. But do it only becase you want to and it‘ll make you happy, and not because that‘s what people want you to do. In my experience, the more you try to please others, the more misreable you will become. I suggest you should find what you are good at and do that. You are always more beautiful than you think, more important than you know, and more needed than you imagined. I should stop here before I make you weary of reading this. And my sincere apology to the innocent Ashleys, Madisons, and Suzannes lol.

Thank you all so much, I wasn’t expecting such positive feedback. I’m crying again this morning but these are happy tears. I would’ve never gotten this support from my friends, and I’ve gotten it from total strangers who didn’t have to help or support me at all. This website may be falling apart but the people are just as good as they were before.

I was mentioned. What happened?

I am so happy you are feeling better. This is a great site and we all do care for each other.
This site helped me raise money for my Dad's funeral when he passed away in 2016. My family was short on money due to he was the bread winner and his passing left alot of bills unable to be paid. I posted asking not for donations but just to get the word out about us having a GoFundMe. In less than a day this site helped us raise all the money we needed.
So trust me we all care for each other.
This apartment building may have chipped paint, broken furniture from yard sells, shotty heat, and an absentee landlord but it is filled to the brim with the best neighbors you could ever hope for and we all don't mind sharing a cup of sugar. Lol

Thanks @xvarnah for mentioning me! I’m probably gonna say what everyone else has been saying, but I’d love to help. I totally understand and have somewhat been in your place. I’ve always had body image issues and it sucks. But just know that it doesn’t matter what other people think and you have to love yourself before anyone else can (i know it’s cliche but it’s also super true). It took me a while to figure that out. You also need to find better friends. I had a few friend groups in high school and it wasn’t until my senior year when I found the right group that made me laugh and feel appreciated. Sometimes it takes a while for yo

You to find that right group of friends. Are there any sports or clubs that you’re apart of? It’s never too late to find where you fit most. I was on the soccer team up until half way through my junior year and I realized that I didn’t mesh well with those girls. My senior year I joined the color guard team. I was able to start brand new my senior year and I think you can too. Also when I was younger I used to have imaginary characters that stuck around with me throughout my childhood and high school years. I’d recommend, if you like to write, to maybe start writing stories about these characters so that it’s not only in your brain. It’s always best to get things out in the open. Best of luck! And stay strong!

Shang-hai'ing your chat for a moment, pbachman, please forgive me
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@aviva you definitely shouldn't be surprised. You often have something to bring to the table-- sometimes it's insightful, other times it's something pure and hopeful. I wasn't sure what you'd bring this time, but I felt like it would be something worth hearing, and you definitely delivered. I know you've had some lows, but I ad no idea you'd been through anything like that. It's truly awe-inspiring that people can go through situations so horrible and come out with the kind of positivity you often seem to project.
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Thank you-- and everyone else-- for sharing their stories.

As for you, @Hyperion , and the others, I tagged you because I thought you may have something to add to the chat. If you're unsure what it's about, the first 4 posts by pbachman are the most important ones. I'd summarize but in this situation I think it's more important to read what she wrote to understand what's going on. Please don't feel obligated to respond-- I wasn't sure who would want or feel comfortable replying, I just took a shot on some of the people I thought might have something offer. I wanted to make sure people actually had a chance to see this post, since chat content is much easier to lose or skip over in the shuffle on this website.

@pbachman21 I am so very thrilled you are feeling a bit better. Emotions are very tricky, they tend to go to extremes without a moment's notice. One of the most important things I've had to learn during the lowest of lows is: sadness, loneliness, depression, self-hatred, etc often come back, and they love to kick you when you're down. But they don't last forever. Sometimes it takes longer than others.
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I'm not always great at helping people with the emotional side of things, but, as mrscollector said, there is a community here. You're a part of that. It won't be easy, and it's hard sometimes to keep it in mind, but you're never alone. As long as you keep reaching out, eventually someone will be reaching back.

I left my old real school to go to online school because of the anxiety of stepping into that place with the thought of bullying, school shootings, even teachers being rude about nothing towards me. Online school has been easier but much lonelier. I would participate in sports if I could, but I’ve got a medical condition called hidradenitis suppurativa. It’s where I get abscesses in places that rub and sweat, mainly under my arms. And if I sweat too much it’ll get inflamed and worse. I wanted to join clubs and sports and I still do but my anxiety just blocks me from everything. People are unpredictable, the only thing I can predict is what I’m going to do.

All I can seem to say is it's all on you at this point. If you want to improve your life you are going to need to cut things off and do something about your life style.
Remove games, add a one hour walk, clean you room, cut out junk food. Social life like friends will always come and go. If you still talk to someone ask them for help or how you feel.
Sounds harsh but to also make progress, you will need to help yourself first.
For weight loss try:
-Drinking more water and less sugar. Cutting soda is super easy.
-less junk food more fruits and veggies
-Don't eat until you can't eat anymore
-Wear comfortable clothing during exercise.
Try walking out of your comfort zone little by little. Or make the big jump. Sometimes the only thing stopping you from bettering yourself is your self doubt and overthinking. Change that.just because your medical condition says you get stuff from rubbing or sweating, get around that and try stuff like swimming.

Worrying about your self image now will get you nowhere. Wash your face with water every now and then to prevent acne, wash pillow cases, get some vitamins from the sun to look less dead from pale skin. Brush your teeth and floss to prevent bad breath, Stay Hydrated for healthy skin.
There are very small things you can do to slowly improve yourself over time. Some may take more work than others but it is what it takes.
Hyperion out.

Well, I am of german decent, probably near like 85-90% german. And so I don’t think I’m ever going to get past the pale part. And Germans are big and tall, which I am. And I can’t change my height, and I’ll always be a little thicker. But some things can be changed, like my back fat that I despise, it’s not noticeable to anyone else at all but I notice it. And I’ve got my “pot-belly” as I call it but it seems to run in my family. Most every single girl in my family has it, my sister, my cousins, me. Mostly on my dad’s side.

@xvarnah Usually the big guns(guest_, mrscollector, you,etc.) seem much more insightful. I always saw myself as “behind-the-scences.“ But in all, thanks again for tagging me. I‘m glad I didn‘t let it negatively change me. Thank you.
@pbachman21 We are glad to be of help. @mrscollector has already said it all lol.

@pbachman21 I genuinely wouldn't worry about your appearance so much right now. Like it's been said-- start small. You can't go to a gym and lift a 200lb weight day one, and you can't overcome feelings of anxiety and depression through sheer force of will. You'll simply overwhelm yourself and end up hurting your chance for success. Implement a small change, even just one, and give it a week or two. Then add on from there

Once you have a few of those, you can consider adding something bigger. Future options:
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I think writing is a good option if you enjoy that, though the key to writing is: don't stop. Don't go back and edit and critsize. Just write. Write whatever occurs to you. Keep going until it feels done. Then set it aside. You can go back and read it after time has passed with fresher eyes.
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You say you have anxiety around people, what about animals? You could potentially look to volunteer at a shelter 1 day a week or such, or to walk the dogs, etc or something similar.
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If you like gaming, consider starting some multi-player games with voice chat available but not required.

I am a female that’s a couple of years younger than you. From the pics you posted on here all I need to say to you is that you are very FREAKING GORGEOUS!!!! I’m so jealous on how you got an awesome smile that did what you said it would do. It put a smile on my face TOO!! & OMFG YOUR HAIR!! That main you call hair is so darn beautiful!! It needs to be in a commercial for some kind of hair company. It will help sell all kinds of stuff. Just think it blowing in the wind all gracefully an flawless!! While mine looks like a rat wouldn’t even make a nest in it much less out of it!! I’m sure your dad got his hands full keeping the boys/girls or heck both at bay huh? My dad use to tell me if boys started to hang around the neighborhood like stray Tom cats he would shave my head bald & make me wear crocks until I’m 18 so the boys wouldn’t take intrest in me. He said my uncles LiquidE & D, he don’t have an account., would be posted outside! Ready to take them out. An not on a date either!