I’m having a hard time being intimate with my partner. I’m quite closed off sexually, whereas she is sexually charged frequently. We are supposed to be getting married within the next 2 years, and I can only think of how I’m going to end up disappointing her, or she will be bored out of her mind with me. Honestly, with how little we have sex, I wouldn’t blame her if she would cheat. I’m not sure if it’s from past trauma, or if I’m just asexual in general. I do find her to be sexy, but I’m uncomfortable whenever I think about anything intimate. I know it’s not her, because I rarely, if ever, masturbate. I feel as though this will be an issue later on, and not a small one. My sexual charge has been declining since my early 20s. I’m 24 and male, I look around and see men my age always being horny. I know overthinking has something to do with it, I just don’t know what to do about it. Does anyone have advice?
P.s. I’m not interested in taking erection pills. This is not a physical issue.

No problem on the title, as for the post, I'm 21 and have never had a gf in my life so I'm also uncomfortable with *ahem* nsfw talk. I had my heart left alone by someone whom I'd grown very attached to so when she left, I closed myself off to any other girl that'd try since I thought myself as unlikable or ugly even though I've been told otherwise. My brother in law wants to take me to a strip club for my 21st birthday (I still have one more month till 21) and as you might be able to tell, I don't want to. I just don't see women as a sex object that I'm suppose to lust after, I was raised 1 mom and no dad so I was taught to respect women, not fuck them. I don't know how much this will help but I thought I might share with someone who also doesn't care for sex. My advice, if you haven't yet, try foreplay or a fetish you both share, it'll take you some hammering out of the bubble but once you do, have some fun. I hope you find a solution, Cheers!

Although I have a hunch and would like to say it’s probably something to do with your past trauma (I won’t ask you about it so I’m going off assumption), I did some research to make sure I had my facts straight, research was kind of slim however. I’m not saying this is a causal conclusion but I think it’s likely. I would also like to say that not all individuals react in the same way, some people have awful experiences and come out fine, able to get aroused and perform sexual acts. If it was an experience severe enough, your mind finds it very very difficult to un-attach that experience, with the experience of sex or sexual acts. The association between an unpleasant feeling and sex can be so strong that you just don’t have any desire for it, or find it difficult to create arousal from a sexual situation. This has nothing to do with your partners abilities or yours, it’s just the way your brain has programmed itself to keep you safe. It has linked sex as a threat, therefore, avoids

it or doesn’t perceive it as a pleasurable thing. Now, solutions. I can’t say I’m an expert and even the most recent literature is still very wishy washy about all this (trauma is my main interest, so I like to keep up to date). A lot of these solutions are going to involve communication, patience and trust between you and your partner. Your partner has to be aware that this will take time and frustration is not going to help you. Try to go slow,if you feel uncomfortable, STOP. What I want you to try and do is build up an association between a loving partner, sex and being loved. Try foreplay, try doing stuff but with the full knowledge that it won’t go any further so you don’t have to be afraid of actually performing sex. Try being the one who makes all the moves, the one in control so you can direct where everything is going. I'm gonna do some more reading on solutions for you, cause a lot of them suggests medications but if you don't want to do that then there's alternatives.

The main thing is that you take all those fears and sorrows and openly talk about them with your future wife. Communication is the key, believe me.

@vulture_ I didn’t go to a strip club when offered by my stepfather. I, too, find it unnecessary to objectify. @parisqeen You nailed the feeling. I find sexual endeavors threatening. My partner is aware of my timid sexual nature. She sometimes can be a bit forceful, and say she needs it badly. I sometimes accommodate because I feel guilty for depriving her of sex. @f_kyeahhamburg I am very open about it with her. I don’t hide myself from her, the problem is me being uncomfortable with sex. I wasn’t like this even 5 years ago.

I understand your partners feelings and I understand yours but you should not feel like you need to accommodate. It is your body and your choice, as cheesy as that sounds. I know that you want to show you love her and she wants to show she loves you, it's how humans work but relenting to her needs by shoving aside your own is not going to help either of you in the long run. It's a tricky situation and I can't say I have a lot of personal experience as like you, I don't really get aroused and I find it difficult to see people as "sexually attractive" (I know I can get to that point, I just find it very hard). However, I do know that if you continue to create these negative experiences with sex, it's going to be a lot harder to disconnect those feelings with those experiences. I need some more reading and who would have guessed but therapy seems to be the most successful solution for those who have sexual dysfunction.

I suggest you get in contact with a good therapist and create a regular routine, this could be once a month, more or even less as long as you have somebody you can talk to. You can talk with them alone but I think it would be good to eventually bring in your partner so you can both be informed of what to do. You don’t have to talk about your trauma, it’s mostly that association you have to work on so you don’t have to be threatened by sex, you can change it into a positive and exciting experience. (Fun Fact: Excitement and fear create very similar physiological responses, if you feel excitement sometimes your brain believes you are afraid and therefore interprets that situation as a fearful one). Anyway, I think therapy is a good idea, think it over, talk to your partner about it. Finding the right therapist that clicks with you is also going to be a challenge but I think it’ll be worth it for your current and future relationship.

Firstly, you should stop doing things out of guilt; she should understand and make your comfort the priority. If your discomfort is caused by previous trauma then you need to start building sexual experiences that are normal and healthy in order to disassociate traumatic memories from sex in general. I would start by simply having intimate moments with yourself - read erotica, watch pornography, whatever could make you feel aroused and do this several times even if you don't feel aroused at first. Then you can begin masturbating, not with any goal except to feel, sense, and explore. Eventually, you can move onto having encounters with your partner and hopefully not experience any more discomfort with intimacy. If this process doesn't work, and you find yourself turned off by the idea of intimacy - you're probably asexual. It's totally okay, and you may realise that your prior sexual feelings were just you "performing" to societal expectations, even in your own mind.

Going forward, you need to have an honest conversation with your partner about expectations for the rest of your relationship with the most extreme scenario. Would she still want to be with you if you never had sex again? You don’t want to go further in a relationship that will end with both parties dissatisfied. There are many people who wouldn’t mind the limitations you’ve described and there are many ways to satisfy your partner. The right person will be with you no matter what. Sorry this has been long, but I’ve worked through this process with many sexual trauma survivors - most have reclaimed and heightened their sexuality and some have realised they were likely asexual all along.

I can understand why you're worried and I strongly encourage you to talk to your partner. I also think you shouldn't worry too much, she's into you not your dick. Love is better than sex any day.
Apart from that, here's my solution for when I'm sexually outmatched by a partner; Sex isn't about penetration, it's about intimacy. A woman appreciates a good handjob as much as the next guy and there's often cuddles afterwards. Treat the clit as a small penis, g-spot is usually a rough area a bit in and forward but don't overuse it.
Most important of all is have faith in your partner and your relationship, they could walk out on you anytime they like and so could you, you're both staying because you want to.
Good luck and congratulations on getting married!

Thank you all. I think I may have to go with the therapy route, and then start small with foreplay. Maybe then, I can get back on track. I appreciate everyone’s input and perspectives. I hadn’t though about something like therapy until it was mentioned. @karlboll Thanks! The date is 04/24/2021. I’ll be sure to post pics!

I can't offer any more help, but I did just want to comment on you saying "I look around and see men my age always being horny." From my experiences as a woman with a high sex drive, men don't want sex as much as they think they do when they aren't getting any. As soon as they get a woman with a high sex drive and are actually getting it, they don't need it as much as they thought they did. There's also a tendency for men to over exaggerate sexual things when they are together, and quite often the one talking the most about sex is the one who isn't getting any. I'm due to get married three months before you, my fiance has a much lower sex drive than I do but I would never leave him for that. I love him so much and there is way more to a relationship than sex. I'll admit sometimes I get frustrated about it, but leaving never crosses my mind and as your partner has said yes to marrying you, I'd bet they feel the same way I do.

To ape what a lot of other are saying, communication is key, and if it's something that cannot be resolved between you two, see a therapist. Sexual compatibility is a major component of any long lasting relationship, one that needs to be nurtured along with emotional, mental, and financial compatibility. No relationship is perfect, and I hope this is an issue that gets resolved to both of your satisfaction.

@1_puma, That's so exciting!!! Good luck with the wedding and good luck with therapy, I think you'll be fine because you're willing to put effort into this problem and you're seeking help. Let us know how things go if you want to, best of luck x

Therapy is a good idea with the past trama that you mentioned. You may want to get your testosterone levels checked, quick blood draw and hopefully that's the case because it would be the easiest fix.