I'm not talking about what others are doing, or about anything that's beyond your control
People suck, and they will better and bruise you
I'm referring to the things that you know you should do but aren't doing
Sort those out, one at a time

Have the humility to pick something small, like cleaning your room, or sorting out a letter that you've been ignoring
Just go and deal with it and then give yourself some time to relax
Then tomorrow deal with another letter
Or go clean your car
Another small, achievable problem

And I can confidently say that every user on FunSubstance wants you to stay alive

I can vouch for this and I have some nasty, very deep scars on my forearms. Please look into micro dosing psilocybin cubanis. Or just the one large dose for depression.

Hey, we look up to you and value you and we read all of your comments and posts. We would have this emptiness without you, so stay. You are important to us. Everytime you have a suicidal thought, get some fresh air and let yourself know that you are valuable to people around you. So everytime this though comes, shout in your mind - "No, I am important. I have lots of smiles to live" and keep repeating the thought. You will sail through it, brave champion.
Do not get the gun for sure.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate it a lot. I'll reply properly later tonight <3

@parisqeen I have spoken to my partner's mother (she's a good mother) and she asked a lot of good questions, which made me realise that there's a lot more to unpack than I thought, but also that I now have somewhere to start.
The clustered tangle of yarn finally has something that I can work with, instead of this void of hurt and frustration and anger that has no concrete tangible description or even a nuance of where to start.
I have also pinky promised her (pinky promises are sacred to us) that I will not commit suicide this year, either by active suicide or by being deliberately negligent or reckless. If I do wish to try and commit suicide again, I'm going to "commit suicide" from my parents, who I can directly link to all of my previous attempts, as well as this recent self-destructive mode I entered. So basically, I'm going to cut contact, block them on all channels, and if anything needs saying they can tell my partner and he can relay it to me if he wishes...

... It's better for my mental health, I'm not hurting those who didn't hurt me in the first place, and my parents don't lose me permanently, so if they decide to stop being childish and hurtful, I can consider re-establishing our relationship.
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We are also not playing Spanish inquisition with them any more - I'm an adult, I pay my own bills, and while I will listen to their advice, I might not necessarily follow it based on what is best for me. If I decide not to follow it, I will bump my own head and learn from it. It's time both I and they start treating me as an adult instead of a child unable to think for themselves.
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They don't need to know everything and critique every move I make, they don't need more ammunition to use against me whenever they wish, and I don't need any more unasked "favours" that come with strings attached and are used against me later.

@parisqeen I'm also going to see if I can find a psychologist (varsity offers 10 free sessions) in the coming three weeks (deadline set by partner's mother, which I agreed to (otherwise I'm never going to do it))

@parisqeen I've also talked to my partner about the full extent of my thoughts, as well as overshared with my close friend and semi-flatmate (I didn't want to tell him because he has his own issues and his dad killed himself so I didn't want to put that burden on him, but we talked it out). So now all of you know, my other mother knows, my partner knows, and my one close friend knows. They also know about my pinky promise, and my contingency plan.

Thanks @cakelover. I have started planning out my year calendar, and I've processed and submitted some samples today that's been sitting on my desk for two months. I'm going to plan out the rest of the samples now, one thing at a time, and see how it goes. We're planning on cleaning the flat this weekend, so that sense of accomplishment will also help.

You have no idea how absolutely wonderful that is to hear, that starting point is such a refreshing thing because it puts everything into neat piles you can work on one at a time. I'm really glad you have your partners mum to talk to, she sounds lovely and it's always good to have that personal connection yet still have an outsiders perspective.
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From what I can tell and what you've just said your parents are the main contributor to your struggles, just because you are related by blood does not mean you owe them anything or are obligated to have a relationship with them. I think cutting them off sounds like the right thing to do, especially when you're in a sensitive state mentally. I have a few friends who (luckily) are nothing like their parents and when they were able to get them out of their lives felt a great release, I hope it is the same from you. One step at a time, this is the first step so you're already making a difference.

@ratfink11 I'm sorry that you have been hurt as well, sending you lots of hugs, and you are welcome to talk to me if you want.
I am on anti-depressants and migraine/sleep medication (Trepeline) and since last month a combo of anti-anxieties and anti-depressants (Serdep), but I see my psychiatrist the 28th so I'll report on how it goes and we'll decide what's next from there onwards.

You will always have a support system around you, whether that be here or your partner and his family. Reach out when you need a helping hand. 10 free sessions is really good btw, before you go I would write down a small list of goals to help you get the most out of them. 10 won't be enough to solve everything but they'll be great for learning coping strategies or asking questions you want to ask. If you're a visual learner like me, ask them to show you a diagram or draw things out if you don't get it.
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I'm glad more people know now, it gives you a sense of reassurance. It sounds like you've really got a plan set out, don't be afraid if and when you reach hard patches, you will get through them and we can always talk it out again if you need.

Thanks @who_cares. I really appreciate it, and will employ the mantra for sure.
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I also have another one I started this morning: "I am *partner's mothers name*'s daughter, and I can achieve anything."
She's an absolute gem of a human being, and she's tough as fuck both physically and mentally (she has a reputation in town: you don't mess with her, you're going to get what's coming - she's fair and doesn't take nonsense) and with a heart of gold.
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I trust her, and she's told me many times that if she could have a daughter, it would be me. She's fair, honest, reasonable, and admits when she's made a mistake. She talks stuff out instead of making assumptions and retorting with backhanded snarky comments. She's safe and good and warm and has an incredibly infectious laugh.
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From his parents I can completely see why my partner is the person he is, and I'm incredibly thankful for all three of them.

Thanks @who_cares. I really appreciate it, and will employ the mantra for sure.
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Furthermore, I'm sort of mentally replacing my mom's rank with her, because I'm tired of caring about what someone (who acts like a child and enjoys hurting you when they feel hurt instead of talking things out) thinks, and I'm tired of her opinion mattering to me.
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I really need that sanctuary and reassurance, because this void in my chest keeps getting bigger and emptier, and it's consuming all my energy both physically and mentally.
I can't want to care that much what someone, who, according to them, never meant to deliberately hurt me (yet keeps doing it, and gaslighting and love-bombing me afterwards) says and thinks about me. I can't want to end my life every single time she confirms my inner voice that I'm a shitty daughter and a shitty human being, while there are several others who disagree.
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I'm so sure, yet so unsure. I feel like I'm being an ungrateful piece of shit, and that she's right

... about me being a little bitch who doesn't appreciate her parents. But on the other hand, every time I try, it comes back to bite my in the ass later. I'm so fucking sick of it. I'm tired and empty, and I'm destroying myself at every chance I get because I believe that's all I'm worth: A fucking failure of a human being, ungrateful piece of shit daughter, oxygen thief, burden and leech, who should be punished for making other people's lives shit wherever she goes by manipulating them into feeling bad for her.
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All I fucking wanted is not to have to earn my mother's love and affection, to have to fight for it (and lose, or never to feel that it's genuine) to her little favourite boy, while she proclaims that favouritism is not allowed.
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I'm just so fucking tired. Tired of fighting this sticky squid ink, tired of losing, and tired of even trying.
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Just when you think you're going to make it, someone lights the whole damn thing on fire.
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Fuck this.

Thank you @parisqeen, that is really solid advice, and I will do so. I'll keep you updated how things go, and thank you for making an effort. I really appreciate it.

You're gonna do it sweety. You are a fighter and I love you so much.

Well done mate, that's good to hear
Start slow and keep it up
If you ever need motivation hmu