The pilot on an airplane announces they're about to crash and there's no sign of hope. Upon hearing this, a beautiful young woman stands up from her seat and yells, "is there anybody man enough on this plane to make me feel like a woman one last time?" To which a man stands up, rips off his shirt and yells "here, iron this!"

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair

Why can't you fool an aborted fetus?
It wasn't born yesterday

And I'm done for the night!

Okay, just 1 more:
What's the shitty part about breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend?
You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it!

Birdie
I just
No words

I have a few too.
What’s the difference between an onion and a hooker? I don’t cry when I’m cutting up the hooker.

What do Jewish pedophiles say? “Hey kid, want to buy some candy?”

What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne doesn’t come on a boys face until he’s 13.

Have you heard the joke about the baby with AIDS? It never gets old.

What's the difference between a baby and a sandwich?
I put my meat in the sandwich BEFORE eating it

How do you call a flying Jew?
Smoke

Why are all Mexican jokes the same?
Because once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal

Why do natives hate snow?
Because it's white and it takes over their land

How do you calk a white guy surrounded by 14 black men?
A coach

*call

You have my friend to thank for this one. It's long, but funny in the end.
'Johnny is a happy little 5 year old boy, whose mum and dad are both very protective of him. One morning, about a week before Christmas, Johnny is playing in his backyard and overhears his neighbours having a row-- the man is yelling that 'I'm the one with the penis in this household!' To which the woman answers, 'Oh yeah? Well, I have the vagina to stick it in!' Little Johnny is a bit confused, so he decides to ask his parents about it. 'Daddy, whats a penis?' His dad, watching football in the front room, panics at the question and glances desperately around the room for inspiration-- and his gaze lands on a hat stand. 'It means a hat,' says Dad. 'Thanks,' says Johnny, and walks to his mum, who is tidying up Johnny's room. 'Mummy, what's a vagina?' His mum, thoroughly caught off guard by the question, does the same as dad, looking desperately around for a g rated answer. She happens to see a pile of Johnny's

winter clothes, and thinks she is saved. 'Its a kind of coat, honey,' she answers Johnny. 'OK, thanks mummy' says Johnny and walks away happy. Nothing comes of the incident for a while. A few days later, on Christmas Eve, Johnny's mum and dad are preparing for the annual family reunion-- mum is chopping up the turkey, and dad is getting himself ready. Johnny wanders into the kitchen just as mum cuts her finger and curses, 'F*ck.' 'What does that mean mummy?' asks little Johnny. His mum, thinking fast, replies, 'It means, to cut, baby.' 'OK,' remarks Johnny, and wanders out again. Up the stairs he goes, to where dad is shaving himself in the bathroom-- and he arrives just as dad nicks himself with the razor, and exclaims, 'sh*t!' 'What is that, daddy?' queries Johnny. 'Oh, it means, to shave,' says Dad, congratulating himself on his quick thinking. 'OK,' says Johnny, and ambles downstairs, just as the doorbell rings, announcing the first of the arriving relatives.

Johnny opens the door, and beams at the gaggle of aunts and uncles on the doorstep. Since he's a rather intelligent little fellow, he thinks this would be a lovely opportunity to make use of his new vocabulary. 'Hello, aunts! Hello, uncles!' Johnny smiles charmingly. 'I can take your penises and vaginas for now. Daddy's upstairs sh*tting himself, and Mummy's in the kitchen f*cking the turkey." (His relatives were astonished, to say the least.)

What do you call 5 black people having sex?
A 3-way.