guest_ · 8 weeks ago
Hi Benson. I’m sorry. Divorce is often scary and can be very unpleasant, hearing our parents fight can also be scary and unpleasant. Both together can be worse, so it’s natural to feel some worry. Divorces can happen for many reasons and bring up strong emotions. Beyond that your parents, like you, probably have extra stress. They know things will change and have fears about that. There are practical issues like money, things they bought together, friends, pets, shared relationships and how to navigate those things that as a couple were generally simpler, but now they have to figure out how to navigate them as individuals. There can be hurt feelings about things during the marriage, feelings of rejection or failure, and one can turn their own insecurities and regrets into projections on the other. When a marriage dissolves much of what was busily over time can feel lost- people often feel bitter that things could have been different had they known things would end up in divorce.
guest_ · 8 weeks ago
So I don’t know exactly why your parents are fighting, and I don’t know your relationship as a family in this way- but there is always the option to talk to them about it. Unfortunately, you are part of this divorce too as their child. It impacts you and your life. But you have no fault in the matter and you can’t step in to their personal relationship and “stop” anything etc- you can talk as someone who is affected. You can tell them your feelings, that you know they are under stress and there are personal issues and such and understand that they are scared and worried and maybe upset- you are too! You can talk to them about how their fighting makes you feel, that you understand they are only human but regardless of their choice to get a divorce, trying not to fight shoes a respect for each other and their history of love, themselves as humans, and you- for your family. It may be much to ask them not to fight at all, but asking them to avoid fighting or even perhaps if they can…
guest_ · 8 weeks ago
Do so more discreetly- save fights for when you aren’t around, or when they are elsewhere etc. I wish I had a perfect answer but I don’t. Divorce is usually a herd thing for families. Your mom and dad may have all sorts of complex feelings they’re working through. Divorce is often losing your best friend, and even when both parties agree it’s the best choice there is usually hurt between them at knowing their best friend is gone, by choice. You can always come here and talk of course, it generally a good thing to talk about your feelings at times like these. As I said though, you know your family better but it is often a good idea to talk things through as a family. It can be scary or painful, but this isn’t a choice you made, you are being brought along here and you should be able to have a voice concerning your own feelings and thoughts.
bensen · 8 weeks ago
Dad is saying that if they split up he can never retire as he’ll have to pay for us forever
Mum just doesn’t like him- they’re not really compatible
But I love them and they love me :)
guest_ · 8 weeks ago
I’m glad you are vicious of that the love between you and each of your parent- that’s one silver lining, as it can be easy to forget that or doubt that. I don’t know your fathers age, but I will tell you, I’ve known a few men with kids who got divorced and lost basically EVERYTHING. One man in particular I know- they had two houses, he was in his late 50’s at the time and worked in a field that fell apart before the divorce- so he was making literally half what he used to. His wife took both houses, his ENTIRE retirement and savings, and literally left him with his clothes, a car, his computer, some misc. personal items, and a lot of debt. They had 4 kids with 2 having college loans for big universities and one entering college.
He ended up ok. It was hard for him for awhile- he lived without furniture- piecing together things off of Craigslist or yard sales, renting a place to stay in a bad area, piecing together cheap things like mismatched couches as he could. He had to take a…
guest_ · 8 weeks ago
.. roommate- it was very humbling for him and very uncomfortable for a man of his age used to having a nice home he owned and a family and all the things he’s work his life for.
But- it was only for a few years. He was able to bounce back. Work and a little luck- but he was able to find someone to make hike happy that got along with his kids, he was able to actually buy another house (not as big or fancy- but with his kids moved out and being older he didn’t need or want a big fancy house anymore. He started saving up for retirement and while he had less, he was on good track to retire. I just wanted to reaffirm that divorce can be a major financial set back, especially later, but your dad- I’m sure he’s a smart man, but he can’t see the future. There’s no telling where he might be in 5,10 years or when the time comes for him to retire.
guest_ · 8 weeks ago
I think your dad is scared- it is scary when you feel like your financial security is unstable, and since he can’t see the future he has worries. What comes next will probably be hard for him financially, but him and luck or his deity of choice have a say in how hard it has to be for how long. Life is strange like that. A divorce comes aiming and can radically alter one’s fortunes for the worse- but the opposite is true too. Something good can come along afterwards and change the path of fate again, for the better. Most people don’t want to get divorced or have to rebuild- and we can’t always have the exact life or retirement we dreamed of, but I genuinely believe that your dad can be ok, perhaps better than ok. It’s funny- but divorce often doesn’t “come out of nowhere” even if in the moment it seems to.
guest_ · 8 weeks ago
What I mean by that is, many times after the pain and unpleasantness and complications of divorce- people actually enjoy life and feel better. Not that their partner was bad or anything like that, but whatever issues came up or existed that led to divorce, being out of those issues and being able to explore and find a new path that doesn’t have the stress and the “elephants in the room” and such- it can be very good mentally for a person. So I don’t want to say it’s a good thing or anything like that, just that when things have come to a point where people are being divorced with reason and not in impulse, it usually means they’ve tried everything they are personally capable of or willing to at that time in their lives to try and it didn’t work. So it’s normal for your dad to worry and normal for you to worry about your dad- but I think that if he can keep or find a good mindset that he will hopefully be ok, and him, and you all as a family can find happiness. A different happiness,
guest_ · 8 weeks ago
But a genuine happiness. I wish you all the best Benson, you and the family.