(Ooh, look, I found this again :D )
...I read that as "I'm personally aesthetic" the first time around, and it was driving me insane all day. sorry.

The Martyrdom of St. Ursula by Jean Bourdichon

...Because our young are born weak and incapable of caring for themselves, so the men have to be bigger to provide for them? Or something. IDK, your guess is as good as mine.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

It's implied he was upset with Doritos the entity/brand/corporation rather than the Doritos themselves.

Girls are weird and irrational and kind of scarily territorial sometimes. I'm in the same situation, and half the time their girlfriends threaten me. It doesn't matter if what we do is platonic, THEY don't see it that way, and that's where the problem starts

Most of us only get the fake stuff.

He poses like a...handsome thing. I can't think of a proper simile right now.

This is a dance. I spent my first year of algebra doing this.

Some homosexuals don't have penises.

Most people probably would

They have told me "He is MINE!!!1!", but I realize that is not the same thing.
I can't read most of those emoji, since I don't usually use that kind (that was embarrassing to admit, forgive me), but the perfect grammar just makes it scarier.

...And some of the most purposely confusing wording of any proposition I've ever seen

Oh, darling, I've been slapped enough times. They do admit it, just not when the guy's around.