I have no idea what I was expecting

You were expecting some sort of vulgar string of words including many profanities, Come on now

Probably something closer to, "I wish to skin you, and feed your flesh to my enemies".

I was expecting a Cthulhu-related answer.

There are some things in every language that can't be translated into others.

actually, that's right. tu me manques MEANS "I miss you" but if translated it literally it would be roughly "you are missing from me". ask any french-speaking person this. also never trust Google translate.

In Czech Republic we don't say "I miss you so much", we say "Sladké Mother , sweet matka , poslat své dítě ke mně , pro hříchy nehodný musí být pokřtěn v krvi a strachu" which means "We are both one with the divine being in which the light of life dwells, and though now we part we will be together always" and I think that's beautiful.