Very wholesome. This situation always causes me trouble. There are lots of people who would be very thankful for a stranger to do such a thing- buuuut…. There are a few other elements, two chiefly in my mind and experience that complicate it.
1. Shame/pride/self respect. Some people would be embarrassed or upset to have someone swoop in and throw them “charity” like this. It doesn’t ease the sting to be starving- but someone who is literally in trouble may be more apt to accept charity than someone who simply has a tight budget. It can be a not good feeling to have someone basically come in and do something you can’t do for yourself but they can just seemingly do on a whim. When kids or spouses etc. are involved it can be especially embarrassing for a person who might see it as being made to look “lesser” in front of someone they want to respect them. “You can’t even afford cereal but that person can buy their groceries AND ours…” sort of deal. Which brings us to….
2. It gets tough when kids are involved. People fib or lie or simplify for kids. If they say “we can’t afford this..” or something similar to a toy or treat- it could be a way to say no while mitigating tantrums or long discussions. It could be some sort of lesson in financial responsibility etc. A parent might really not be able to afford it- but that doesn’t answer the question of wether they’d want their child to have it if they COULD afford it. Generally it is not good to give a child everything they want whenever they want, and then the parent may be in an even worse position of not just being the person who can blame the budget- but if the child has it in their hands or has a person offering it now the parent has to be the one to take it away or turn it down outright if their own will. So stepping in to matters between a parent and child can be tricky if you aren’t involved in the lessons and such the parent wants the child to learn.
Closing this up- what I learned a long time ago was to do one of two things. If able you can talk to the parent first- this isn’t perfect either as it can seem odd or creepy and well- people are often inclined to polities the refuse “free” things from people they don’t feel a relationship with where there is that kind of give and take. So talking they may say “no,” but is that a polite No or a genuine no? Sort of hard to figure out with a stranger in a few minutes casually and without the kids hearing mid shopping trip…
But it CAN work. What works best for me in general-
Be inconspicuous in your charity. Many of us, especially in this internet social media age, like recognition for giving or give FOR the recognition. We feel good getting the reaction or validation- even if it is the self validation of knowing that person knows we helped. If you want to give- doing it non overtly can be the best way. Instead of making a thing of buying a meal for a seemingly homeless person- buy a second meal and offer it as your left overs, or one I used to do when they were outside places I’d eat was I’d talk to them and say something like: “this is really embarrassing but I just moved away from home/just got divorced/whatever, and I hate eating alone. Would you mind having dinner with me so I don’t have to eat alone? I’ll pay for your meal of course- I just don’t want to eat alone…” when buying things for someone you believe can’t afford it at a store etc- you can always buy the item and time your approach and say something like:
“This is weird. I’m sorry, I just hate wasting food (whatever) and I bought an extra of these by mistake..” or “I had a buy one get one coupon but I realized at check out I can’t actually use this much…” another one is to pretend you bought something previously and say something like: “I was going to return to this but I’m in a big hurry and I don’t have the time. Do you want it, save me the trip to the service desk?”
Nothing is universal- but my experience is that the most truly kind and giving people, the people who make others feel best with their gifts- are people who have a level of class that they can give to you and make it seem like you are the one helping THEM.
A perceptive person may see through the ruse but it allows them to save face, a non perceptive person may just not realize you were only being kind and think they helped you while being lucky- they may never realize you did something specifically to help them. If you’re doing it for the other person or the kindness
Of the act- this is the way to do it generally though, because true kindness isn’t about being recognized.
If you have a skill and meet a younger person who seems like they are having trouble in their career and you could teach them your skill- telling them you’ll mentor them or such places a burden on them if they feel they have nothing to offer you in return for example. You’re teaching them to write computer code or build a house or fix a machine etc. which could cost a lot of money to pay for- and that can make them feel bad or question for ulterior motives even. But- if you ask them for HELP- you can take away that burden.
“I’ve got alot of work and I need a second pair of hands…” or an exchange- “I need someone to help test my program and maybe to write some simple parts, if you’re willing to help me, I will teach you…”
Making it a favor to you or a seeming “exchange” changes the dynamic.
Even something like: “did you want to learn how to install drywall? Look, I need someone to come over and help me figure out how to move these pictures off my phone onto Facebook…” “I know how to make websites but moving heavy things isn’t my strong suit. If you come over on the weekend on help me move these potted plants in the yard, I’ll teach you some JAVA and other things to make websites. We can meet every 3rd weekend and when I need yard help I’ll call you?”
Even if it is something you can do yourself- claiming you need help is a way to offer them a way to feel less “small” or less like a “charity case.” Mentoring a coworker doesn’t have to be this thing where you make a big deal about being there to offer them free advice and help- you can always frame it not as a “service” to them but as a selfish thing- you want to look good, you want to reduce your workload etc. if I’m helping you because your work reflects on me, I’m not “giving charity” in your eyes even if you’re..
.. grateful. I’m getting something out of it. Really it can be that simple- charity or “hand outs” are when we just give something without expectation. Those can make people feel bad or conflict their morals and principles. Sadly enough there’s also often a suspicion when someone, especially the less close you are to them, simply offers something of value for free. Most of us are aware that is often a set up for scams or worse. So simply by attaching some sort of mechanism to add reciprocity to the event can really help to make the other person feel comfortable and good about the exchange. This is often used in parenting- my old friend had maid service he paid for but as a stipulation for his kids to get their allowance they had to take out the trash and do some other chores. This would be included in the maid service he already paid for- but having the kids do it was partly both a teaching mechanism that even though they were well off they couldn’t just get “free money” and partly an
Element of financial lessons- working for money, saving, buying things for themselves and making decisions how to use their money and connecting the work they had to do with how much money that would earn so that when they spent money they think about how long and how much work something was instead of just the cost- but a big part of those lessons was that by having his kids “work” for the money- they had ownership. It was THEIRS. Dad couldn’t just say “no allowance for you!” Or “you aren’t spending my money on that!” Because they “worked for it,” it was theirs. In their minds they “earned it.” It wasn’t charity from daddy, there wasn’t a money machine and if they were a little short they could beg and plead for a little extra- if they wanted more money they could do more work for their dad. There was no point in begging for money- there were lists of jobs to be done and what they paid, and the kids took extra work around the house if they wanted more money for something.
I’m not saying that we should be trying to “teach” strangers in need in that way- what I’m saying is that there is a general mental well wing humans tend to get from feeling like we earned what we have or like we can be self sufficient. Simple charity can undermine the feeling we “earned” what we have unless we are entitled. Saying things like “you suffered so much you deserve this..” doesn’t tend to help because most sharp minds are aware other people suffer or worse- “survivors guilt” is a common human feeling and a similar concept applies. Of all the people with all the problems in earth “why do I deserve this…?” So giving someone a feeling of a reason they earned something can go a long way towards making them feel good about having it as opposed to just giving it them to look or feel big about yourself.
When it comes to feeling self sufficient or like we have some power or agency in the world or our lives- charity can undermine this in two ways. Needing to accept charity is a stark reminder that we are struggling to care for ourselves, but having someone else who is doing well enough to be able to care for themselves AND provide to use without needing or wanting anything sort of shines a big bright light that many can see as saying “you’re REALLY messing up. Look at this person- you can’t even afford socks and they just bought your kids new winter wardrobes because they felt like it- and they still managed to buy their kids clothes….”
So a persons general emotional well being but also their future opportunities and actions can be strongly influenced by their self image in that sense. People who start to believe they can’t do things often stop trying to do things. They often stop seeing set backs as part of growth or a natural step towards a goal and start seeing those set backs as signs they can’t do things or shouldn’t try things that aren’t easy for them. Where two humans interact a relationship of some type and some length and depth is formed between them.
Just like a romantic relationship- most people don’t want to feel “useless,” most decent people don’t want to just take and take and not have anything to offer back. It’s not transactional, there doesn’t necessarily need to be an “equal exchange” or a value assessment-
It’s waaaaay more work to help someone move than to bake a simple cake or take you to lunch- but that’s ok. Most people are happy to help a friend etc. for nothing- but by giving you something that they CAN do for you as token to show there is more than words to their gratitude also allows people to feel like they have done more than just take. Most decent people don’t want to be “takers,” most people who need it will take when it is the only seeming option- but MOST people want to feel they have contributed something, earned something, and at the very least most people do not want to feel unevenly indebted to another person. So it’s seldom a “bad” or at least “evil” thing to give in kindness- but to truly be kind about it, we need to consider the other persons feelings and try to be in their shoes as opposed to see their situation in terms of “problems we can fix for them.”
1. Shame/pride/self respect. Some people would be embarrassed or upset to have someone swoop in and throw them “charity” like this. It doesn’t ease the sting to be starving- but someone who is literally in trouble may be more apt to accept charity than someone who simply has a tight budget. It can be a not good feeling to have someone basically come in and do something you can’t do for yourself but they can just seemingly do on a whim. When kids or spouses etc. are involved it can be especially embarrassing for a person who might see it as being made to look “lesser” in front of someone they want to respect them. “You can’t even afford cereal but that person can buy their groceries AND ours…” sort of deal. Which brings us to….
But it CAN work. What works best for me in general-
Nothing is universal- but my experience is that the most truly kind and giving people, the people who make others feel best with their gifts- are people who have a level of class that they can give to you and make it seem like you are the one helping THEM.
A perceptive person may see through the ruse but it allows them to save face, a non perceptive person may just not realize you were only being kind and think they helped you while being lucky- they may never realize you did something specifically to help them. If you’re doing it for the other person or the kindness
If you have a skill and meet a younger person who seems like they are having trouble in their career and you could teach them your skill- telling them you’ll mentor them or such places a burden on them if they feel they have nothing to offer you in return for example. You’re teaching them to write computer code or build a house or fix a machine etc. which could cost a lot of money to pay for- and that can make them feel bad or question for ulterior motives even. But- if you ask them for HELP- you can take away that burden.
“I’ve got alot of work and I need a second pair of hands…” or an exchange- “I need someone to help test my program and maybe to write some simple parts, if you’re willing to help me, I will teach you…”
Making it a favor to you or a seeming “exchange” changes the dynamic.
Even if it is something you can do yourself- claiming you need help is a way to offer them a way to feel less “small” or less like a “charity case.” Mentoring a coworker doesn’t have to be this thing where you make a big deal about being there to offer them free advice and help- you can always frame it not as a “service” to them but as a selfish thing- you want to look good, you want to reduce your workload etc. if I’m helping you because your work reflects on me, I’m not “giving charity” in your eyes even if you’re..
Just like a romantic relationship- most people don’t want to feel “useless,” most decent people don’t want to just take and take and not have anything to offer back. It’s not transactional, there doesn’t necessarily need to be an “equal exchange” or a value assessment-