from the article; “'Potentially, women's affairs are more likely to be a result of partner dissatisfaction, and consequently, the affair may be a wake-up call for their partners, leading positive behavioural change.
'A look at outcomes suggest that male perpetrators were more negatively affected by the event.'
Their results also revealed cheating was preceded by a gradual decrease in personal and relationship satisfaction over several years.
This could be triggered by a number of reasons – for example a lack of honest communication or a significant life event such as having a baby.”
take this as you will. me? you’re damn right i’ll make a positive behavioral change; leave. if my partner has been dishonest about their dissatisfaction in our relationship or is unhappy because we created life together and this was their outlet? they obviously are not giving our relationship the care and honesty it needs and the only positive improvement i would make is by ending it.
i’ve made my mistakes and eaten my crow. i’ve been both cheated on and been the other guy cheated with, but never have i cheated on my partner. the resulting damage hurt everyone and i will not go through that again.
thankfully i am married to an amazing woman who has endured the same in her past and we both know how a lack of communication, no matter how hard to swallow, is toxic, and that honesty is better than resentment and betrayal. we both share the same attitude on this and we have had rocky times in our marriage and relationship, but we can proudly say that patience, love, and communication have gotten us through. fellas, ladies, there is no good excuse for cheating. if it is THAT bad, end it, or start a conversation to try and fix things, or talk to someone. but nobody wins by cheating.
I’m glad you’re with a good partner. I agree with you that honesty and openness should be the way to handle dissatisfaction. My personal stance is that if you are at the point where you have tried everything you can fathom to turn an unhappy relationship around or for whatever other reason you are considering or are cheating- tell them. Ideally before you cheat. Have respect for the other person and don’t try to selfishly cling to a relationship through deception so you have a “safety” or get to keep the things you enjoy or are convenient or don’t have to face any consequences of separation. Sack up and tell them that you’re at a point where you want to sleep with or date others. If you don’t feel safe doing that- leave. Give them the choice to decide if they want to stay together bad enough or are ok with the concept enough to stay together and if they aren’t- leave. Or… just tell them you are leaving. Be an adult.
What I will say is that I won’t judge all cheaters harshly or anything. I don’t condone it and I have never cheated. People can be weak, things can happen in a moment, every situation is unique. It isn’t the case that no relationship has ever survived infidelity or even that no relationship has ever ended up stronger or healthier afterwards. That doesn’t make cheating a panacea or valid strategy for “mending” a relationship- but it does mean that sometimes it’s true that for a specific set of people, cheating can be helpful to their relationship. It’s up to those involved if they want to be with someone who would hurt them or lie or disrespect them like that- but the world is full of different types of people I suppose.
Some of us are just born more mature or we mature earlier or more rapidly emotionally. Most people do need to learn to be mature- we hurt others and others hurt us and from that often comes growth. It’s a rare thing that two kids in first live are going to be coming at it with a polished adult maturity and a full emotional toolkit to handle each situation in a healthy and adult manner. Hopefully most people learn fairly quick and start with a good baseline morality and respect for others but some people don’t reach that point until late in life if ever. One might argue such people should remain single until and if they ever are “ready,” but again- if this were the case most people wouldn’t be able to date until their late 20’s or 30’s at all- and that costs opportunities to learn and gain the experiences that tend to help us mature.
So I’m going to say problematical perhaps, that some people might actually “need” to cheat or be cheated on. It’s considered healthy and mature to use a language of honesty and respect. Some peoples language is “playing games,” doing things to make a partner jealous, to get attention, to manipulate etc. it’s usually better for everyone if such people learn to speak a new language. The game players MAY learn healthy relationship skills or become comfortable in a healthy environment through being with someone who speaks a healthy language, or they may also just traumatize the healthy person and cause them dysfunction. Some people either cannot or will not improve beyond a certain point. They may embrace their dysfunction or they may just be incapable of controlling themselves. They’ll likely date anyway since they likely lack the maturity or care for others to see themselves as unready for relationships or just want what they can get from a relationship.
So when we have two chronically or transiently dysfunctional people who are communicating through games, pettiness, behavior that isn’t what I’d call loving behavior- they may not have the tools or even the concept of the tools they need or where to get those tools to change their relationship. People gonna do what they gotta do and I’m not going to say that I condone it but I’m also not going to say that it can’t work- especially when both partners are very underdeveloped emotionally or perhaps even when there is a huge mismatch between their levels of development but a strong desire to stay together.
A saying I hate but it’s hard to argue is that love is a decision. We decide to love a person and we decide to keep loving them. If it isn’t a decision then it is some sort of infatuation or unhealthy attachment disorder or something. There is not a single person in your life you can’t walk away from. People we love die and it is fairly rare that we simply drop dead and are unable to live without them. We may grieve and feel that way at times- but the fact we live says we don’t need them to live. The fact that we often get remarried or such shows we can choose to love again. There are chemicals that help things along, but by around 6-7 years the body isn’t really producing those the way they did when we first met. From there on it’s a mind game. We wake up and decide we want to keep waking up next to this person.
This is the double sided trap. Many people believe that putting themselves through hardship and suffering proves their love so they weather these things not out of love
but to prove themselves and their supposed love. By the same token many people who realize that love is a choice and that suffering to try and prove a love isn’t the same thing as suffering because you are so in love that you’d endure the suffering. It’s a fine distinction but it’s the difference between giving someone a present because they are dear to you and it is their birthday and giving someone a present because it’s their birthday and you’re supposed to give presents to people who are dear to you on their birthday. The difference between acting in control because a leader is “supposed to” and acting in control because you are a leader and have things under control.
So we make a choice to love this person consciously and subconsciously. If we aren’t choosing to love them, they’re basically a toy. Something we play with because it is fun or makes us happy and the moment that stops we toss it away. It is often said that we don’t get to choose our family. If your parent or brother etc. are jerks you just have to make the best of it because “they’re family.” A somewhat modern idea is a popular concept to NOT value family in that way, to toss them asides if they are “toxic.” While I think there is a point where yes- any person regardless of relation is legitimately unhealthy to be around, that sentiment leads to some problems. It is a bit gross to think of this way perhaps- but a husband or wife are family. You’re sleeping with a family member when you are married- just not a blood family member (generally? Hopefully…?)
That’s what a long term relationship in that sense is- you’re basically adding a family member. So if you take the attitude that you’re going to walk away any time things get tough or you set boundaries that are relatively narrow, the odds of a “forever together” go right out the window because this person is now serving at your convenience. It’s a hard concept to speak to- I’m not advocating some old school system where miserable people or abusive relationships are held together for life out of some concept of sanctity or whatever. But there’s a balance point in between Walking out the door because you are bored or because you beat each other.
So I think some relationships can survive cheating and I think that some relationships can benefit from it where the people involved are both mentally in a place where that’s the language they can understand.
I won’t go so far to say cheating can ever be called justified or made noble or anything- but I will say that I think there are cases where both parties may wish to stay together and cheating might be necessary or unavoidable for their circumstances and that goal. Simply put- war is a horror, a black spot on the human soul- but if someone is going to commit genocide and no amount of high minded ideals or peaceful gambits are going to stop that- you speak the language they will hear and understand. That doesn’t make a war to stop genocide noble or good- it just means that was the only way you had to communicate what needed said to get the response you needed to get.
'A look at outcomes suggest that male perpetrators were more negatively affected by the event.'
Their results also revealed cheating was preceded by a gradual decrease in personal and relationship satisfaction over several years.
This could be triggered by a number of reasons – for example a lack of honest communication or a significant life event such as having a baby.”
take this as you will. me? you’re damn right i’ll make a positive behavioral change; leave. if my partner has been dishonest about their dissatisfaction in our relationship or is unhappy because we created life together and this was their outlet? they obviously are not giving our relationship the care and honesty it needs and the only positive improvement i would make is by ending it.
thankfully i am married to an amazing woman who has endured the same in her past and we both know how a lack of communication, no matter how hard to swallow, is toxic, and that honesty is better than resentment and betrayal. we both share the same attitude on this and we have had rocky times in our marriage and relationship, but we can proudly say that patience, love, and communication have gotten us through. fellas, ladies, there is no good excuse for cheating. if it is THAT bad, end it, or start a conversation to try and fix things, or talk to someone. but nobody wins by cheating.
This is the double sided trap. Many people believe that putting themselves through hardship and suffering proves their love so they weather these things not out of love
I won’t go so far to say cheating can ever be called justified or made noble or anything- but I will say that I think there are cases where both parties may wish to stay together and cheating might be necessary or unavoidable for their circumstances and that goal. Simply put- war is a horror, a black spot on the human soul- but if someone is going to commit genocide and no amount of high minded ideals or peaceful gambits are going to stop that- you speak the language they will hear and understand. That doesn’t make a war to stop genocide noble or good- it just means that was the only way you had to communicate what needed said to get the response you needed to get.