Beans!

That said- we can argue that many examples of manners or civility or such could be called phony. I mean- what is “phony?” Not making our true feelings known or acting to our natural impulse? I doubt most people who find their boss or bosses boss to be a poor leader or personally/professionally don’t like them will plainly make that clear. If you think they add no value to the company you can say that but likely won’t to them or anyone who might spread it to them. You can simply not say anything, you could also only say what is good in your eyes: “Jill is very punctual…” but the concept of dishonesty by omission could imply that is no less “phony” than saying you think they are great and do a great job.

So what of “inclusion”? What about when we tell kids they have to play with that one kid even though they don’t want to or that they can’t say things to that one kid like they are “weird” or “smell bad” or whatever else they may feel? What about in the adult world where politics rages between those who believe that all people should be included and respected and those who believe that they shouldn’t have to allow certain people in certain places or pay attention to and respect the chosen labels or pronouns of others and such? It’s a mixed message if we tell society to not be “phony” but then punish people for speaking their feelings and thoughts when we find them offensive or ignorant, so of course such people with any lick of preservation instinct would be phony when they didn’t think they could be genuine. Aren’t we all guilty of that in our lives? Acting a certain way for a certain setting or situation because it is to our benefit? Saying things we need to say to protect ourselves?

A good speaker speaks to the audience, wether that audience is one person or a million. Your ideas usually do not get heard otherwise. Speaking directly has tons of merits- but we need to consider the person we are speaking to, the setting, and wether that is the best way to communicate to them on this matter unless direct communication is necessitated. It’s just consideration. When you do not know how a person might take what is being said or have reason to believe it could be taken poorly, it is considerate to say it in a manner that is gentle or to communicate it more subtly.

When we speak on being direct- other people are free to dislike what we say or is for saying it that way. If we want to avoid that, we put in the effort to speak to others in ways that won’t cause negative feelings. If we do not care to put in the effort and instead speak as we want and speak directly, it is a touch silly to then get upset that other people are upset that we speak in a manner that has no consideration of their feelings no? If you’re a direct and effective communicator who shows genuine care for others and/or says what needs to be said and produces results- most people will go with it just fine. When we believe ourselves to be direct communicators and people don’t seem to thrilled with us- often times that just means we actually are inconsiderate or self centered in our communications. But.. some folks are very sensitive and that can be vexing.