To each their own. The thing is the logic falls apart though.
You treat her your best and she leaves: you know you couldn’t have done better even if you don’t know why she left.
You treat her like trash and she leaves, you know she left because you weren’t good enough. It’s not even subjective really at that point as you are intentionally choosing to be bad.
So the logic becomes the classic slacker logic of “if I never actually try I never actually have to feel like I failed because I wasn’t putting any effort.” We will skip the faults in that sentiment and for the sake of discussion say there is at least A logic to it. Ok. So…
If you aren’t going to try… why are you with her at all? If you don’t want to fail and you are essentially setting yourself up to fail- why even be with anyone? If you aren’t with anyone at all you can’t fail at all. People with no relationships have no break ups.
Well- logically because you do still want something or certain things from a relationship. So let’s ignore the entire problem of treating another person as an object to satisfy some want of your own. Let’s focus on the fact you want to be in a relationship but are afraid to be genuine because you fear doing your best and failing- thusly invalidating your self worth, so you set yourself up to fail by invalidating your own worth, because you become a person not worth being with and when she leaves you know she left because of YOU. Meaning there is no longer a need to fear that you are not “worthy” as a person because you don’t actually need her to leave to prove it- behaving this way shows who you really are. Meaning you already know why the others left or would leave you even if you tried your hardest- because you’re kinda a shitty person and no matter how rehearsed and polished your good guy routine is- that was never who you were. She never got the “real you.”
But if you have to be shitty internationally that isn’t the “real you” either. The fact that you still want to date even though you are resigned to rejection and willing to not put in effort shows you’re a person who has wants and tends to them even at the expense of others. The thing is that people in general are creatures of self motivation.
So I’m not condemning someone for thinking of their own wants or needs in dating- but here’s some wisdom…
When you are just as giving as a doormat and you always or mostly always put your needs last or expect that you’ll do everything they want and they’ll “pay you back” in kind that’s generally weird and off putting. It’s like those cult people who always smile and you can insult them to their face and they smile and bad things happen and they “always find the silver lining” like some old Disney cartoon. Most of us don’t like that person. It is creepy or weird or we are left wondering what their deal is- are they going to kill us and stuff us in a freezer or try and get us to join some suicide cult or live on a compound or something? The more self motivated the person you are dealing with is the more off putting and creepy they will generally find it.
When you throw in things like indecisiveness or constant approval seeking- people who always “want to do what you want to do” or won’t pick a place to eat or don’t seem to have their own friends or hobbies or life or always seem to put you before those things like canceling plans with friends to be with you or changing their routine to suit you… when they are always available etc… most people who find those things appealing are pretty tweaked themselves. Super do dependent or insecure or manipulative or controlling. A relationship with a partner acting this way is often on the road to a certain end before it starts and a relationship with someone who finds those traits at least initially appealing is probably on a bad path.
In other words the “super nice” partner is already a bad omen on the relationships future but simply finding someone who would agree to date that “super nice partner” is a red flag. If you get two “super nice partners” together that is as bad or worse. The common theme is that a “super nice” partner is almost always getting hurt and it’s just a question of wether that is self inflicted and the other partner gets as badly hurt or not.
So if you’re going to decide that you don’t want to put on some grand effort to be this great partner… instead of being an intentionally shitty one, try just being honest.
What I read in this meme is a manipulator. Someone with low self esteem or respect. They are afraid to lose a partner and how that will reflect on them. They play with other people to try and get a sense of power and control. They have to be in control of why they were left and so forth.
Their “normal” or “nice” tactics are likely themselves manipulations. Lies. A persons of what they think a partner is or what people want because they are either afraid who they are can’t succeed in dating or afraid that if they are themselves and get rejected that they won’t be able to deal with that. So they are some version of themselves that they think will be successful.
At first they tried to be the version they thought someone would want to be with and that obviously didn’t work out so they switched to intentionally being who someone would leave. Both scenarios use a facade to protect their true self. But that lack of genuineness and vulnerability tends to affect any relationship beyond the most superficial and is felt by a partner. What’s more, no one can keep up an act all the time and forever.
Instead of that… be honest. Be who you are. Like really. You’re dating despite cynicism and resorting to such actions because you want to get something from a partner. So then… just do that. Just be honest. Be honest about what you want and be honest about who you are. Make as much effort as you are going to but do you.
Be as involved in the relationship as you want to be. Be as present as you want to be. Don’t pretend to like things you don’t. Suggest the activities you want to do or think would be fun. The right partner for you is going to largely think the same things sound good or is going to be willing to let you do things alone that aren’t up their alley. Instead of wasting yours and their time… upfront tell and show how things are and the level of effort you’re willing to put in. Don’t lead them on and don’t treat them like shit. Treat them as an adult and a human. If they don’t want what you want or you can’t reach a bargain in what you want and what they expect in return then it won’t happen or you’ll break up.
And the crazy thing is… you’ll know exactly why! Without treating them like shit or wasting time. And…. It won’t have anything to do with you or your fragile ego so you are still protected. If you tell them you don’t want anything serious you want someone to shag and play video games with or to eat dinner with or whatever- and they are game- you have the terms of the relationship. If you show and/or tell them what to expect and they are good with that, congrats. Otherwise they’ll leave and it was because they didn’t want that set up or they’ll negotiate and you can choose what you will give up or where you will put effort in etc. or not. And if you say not- you’ll know why they left. They left because you wanted a band buddy and they want to try and find a husband or whatever else.
Manipulators do it for a reason. Often power or protection or some other feeling of something missing and a way to get it. Stop being deceptive with others and yourself and stop being a manipulator. Be a mature adult and ask for what you want and be prepared to compromise or leave if you don’t get it.
You treat her your best and she leaves: you know you couldn’t have done better even if you don’t know why she left.
You treat her like trash and she leaves, you know she left because you weren’t good enough. It’s not even subjective really at that point as you are intentionally choosing to be bad.
So the logic becomes the classic slacker logic of “if I never actually try I never actually have to feel like I failed because I wasn’t putting any effort.” We will skip the faults in that sentiment and for the sake of discussion say there is at least A logic to it. Ok. So…
If you aren’t going to try… why are you with her at all? If you don’t want to fail and you are essentially setting yourself up to fail- why even be with anyone? If you aren’t with anyone at all you can’t fail at all. People with no relationships have no break ups.
So I’m not condemning someone for thinking of their own wants or needs in dating- but here’s some wisdom…
What I read in this meme is a manipulator. Someone with low self esteem or respect. They are afraid to lose a partner and how that will reflect on them. They play with other people to try and get a sense of power and control. They have to be in control of why they were left and so forth.
Their “normal” or “nice” tactics are likely themselves manipulations. Lies. A persons of what they think a partner is or what people want because they are either afraid who they are can’t succeed in dating or afraid that if they are themselves and get rejected that they won’t be able to deal with that. So they are some version of themselves that they think will be successful.
Instead of that… be honest. Be who you are. Like really. You’re dating despite cynicism and resorting to such actions because you want to get something from a partner. So then… just do that. Just be honest. Be honest about what you want and be honest about who you are. Make as much effort as you are going to but do you.