I like how dating anyone but a homeless serial killer or an underachiever seems to always “prove” it isn’t about personality.
I regret to inform you that people who have money or looks or success etc. can also be very personable. Flash and Harry had their turns and bullies or baddies but both have been close long term friends with Peter, heroes at various times etc.
pretty much everyone can be a jerk here and there or at various phases and most people aren’t perfect- but like… would most of you honestly date ANYONE who wanted to date you? We can get along or have fun with lots of people in life. You’ll meet or see lots of people with great personalities- every day. Do you ask each one out?
It’s not just a game of whoever gets there first and isn’t a horrible person generally.
Asides physical attraction, chemistry, various other factors- what separates romantic interests from friends?
Most people can enjoy another persons company or be friends and not want to have sex, go out, get married, have kids etc.
most people can find someone attractive or want to have sex but not want to be friends.
So there are other components at play than just the surface level things like if you get along or share things in common or find physical attraction etc etc.
I mean- think of all the people who share things in common but don’t get along. Many people don’t get along BECAUSE of how similar they are.
So there are various factors and dynamics at play, but let’s just look at it from a very simplistic logical place-
The more choices you have, generally the more choosey you can be.
Looks or personality or “X factor” or whatever else- Mary Jane is a woman who can date rich guys and super heroes and astronauts. She is a women who spends time in the places and social circles to meet those types of people. She could very much meet some random basement dweller and the train and fall head over heels- but what are the odds of that encounter? There’s have to be a chemistry or a pull to get her interest, he’d have to make a move in a way she appreciates, the timing would have to be right to where she is single and looking for a guy, and… this is where things get practical and we reach the hard truth that most of us also are part of…
A monogamous relationship is just that. The person in front of you needs to seem appealing enough to make you commit to not being with anyone else for however long you two are together. To forsake the possibilities of any other person you could meet.
Even if you are just dating openly- they need to seem worth the time and risk. That sounds harsh and isn’t a reflection on them. Look- if you work 4-8 hours a day, maybe go to school 4-8 hours a day, you might like to sleep. You have self care, studying, errands- you have other friends and family and spending time with them usually means finding places in both your schedules to make time. You also likely have hobbies and things you enjoy, and you’re trying to fit in the things you enjoy with the things you have to do.
A “fast date” an easily take 4-6 hours of your time. Even grabbing coffee. If you get ready that can be as little time as you want or 2+ hours depending on the person and the date. Travel to and from, time spent there.
If you have 4 hours of free time a day you can use- you could give seven people a week a “chance” but have no time for your own wants and needs and desires. Some days you’ll have no free time effectively and others you may have more- but most people have less time than they have things they want or need to do.
Regardless of your free time amounts- you still have to go through it all.
Anyone who has stated much can attest that it gets old fast for most. You meet lord of nice people, lots of people with good personalities. Some are “too nice,” some are boring to you, some are too self centered and some are too submissive or doting. Some of these dates will be a fun distraction but you won’t see any future plans. Some will be boring or tedious or awkward and some will be terrible. The person may be rude or abusive or whatever else unpleasantness. Many people do not particularly enjoy dating as an act- they may enjoy dates or when they date certain people, but the anxiety and stress and work and time and tedium that come along with it not so much. Most people would rather be doing something else than dating some random person unless they have some strong attraction etc. or already know or suspect they’ll enjoy the date.
So like most people, Mary Jane isn’t going to go out with every guy that asks or is nice around her or had a hobby or some superficial internet she shares. She might like the band on your tee shirt but there are only so many hours in a day and she isn’t thirsty enough to go around trying out every guy that has some cue she can latch on to to break the ice or try and find common ground- and as cannon- she does not really need to. She has plenty of suitors.
Because- harsh but true again…
Most people- we all have little quirks and things that make us “special,” and usually you need to get to know someone pretty well before you can see all these quirks. You need to invest a fair amount of time with them. But asides that- we are all similar enough to be grouped into broad archetypes.
The more you date or otherwise spend time with people, the more you tend to see this.
It is like a story. There are only so many ways to write a story that isn’t a mess to follow or such. We can apply these general templates of plot and theme and such to most stories- and after you’ve read or experienced enough you start to see the “tropes” and you say “oh, this is basically Indiana Jones in space..” or “ah. They did Macbeth but with super powers…”
He picks you up in a car/cab or you meet there or… you go to X place- maybe to get food or coffee, maybe a museum or zoo or park? A movie? An activity like axe throwing or painting? Mini golf? Winery? Picnic? A bar or club or…? Are there flowers? Candy? A song? Perhaps a carriage ride or a walk after? You get to a point where it is all variations on the same basic themes or all just a different assembly of the same parts.
When you date you usually aren’t there for the date. You can go to the movies or eat dinner alone or with friends if you wanted to. That’s not what it is all about. The activity does provide possibilities- ways to interact, work together or share ideas and opinions- their choices tell you a bit about who they are as well too-
But it is in part also about effort. In more traditional western culture a man puts effort into trying to plan a date that will be enjoyable and shows thought- that he picked up or remembered things she might like or restrictions like fears or handicaps or aversions. He planned an inside date because it is cold and she hates the cold, she was wearing o local bands shirt when they met so he surprises her with a show etc. the woman traditionally places effort into the date and her appearance.
So you’re showing effort and creativity and commitment and a little about you while trying to create a time that would be enjoyable even if it wasn’t a date, and also… if you’re considerate you’re giving them a place that feels safe and gives them ways to leave gracefully if they aren’t feeling things and a way either of you can mitigate awkwardness or have other things to focus on if there isn’t a strong connection or dynamic.
But the other thing is- risk. Traditionally men paid for dates, but even if you “go dutch” etc. you’re still talking about spending some kind of money or resources most likely. But for women, their literal lives can be at risk. Assault, murder, stalking etc.
and ending the date doesn’t end that. In fact- the date could have been fun and enjoyable and maybe you even like the person and want to hang again- but not as a date. And every date you go on you know ahead of time you’re either going to be meeting the person you’ll be with the rest of your life and you’ll never plan to date again- or you know it is going to end.
And most dates end with either no more dates or one or two more TOPS, so every time you say yes to someone’s date request, you are most likely creating a moment in the future where you’re either going to be rejected or have to reject them.
So it isn’t just some matter where you should “give them a shot” because why?
If you do not believe that the odds are good for a future there, you don’t have a lot of info but getting that info generally will require dating, and if you date-
Worst case they murder or scar you.
Best case you go out again.
The middle of the road involves someone being rejected and possibly hurt, which is something we don’t want to be but also something we generally don’t want to do to toners- but that rejection can open that door to scarred for life or murdered again even if it seemed closed completely.
So men and women take risks and most smart people don’t take a risk unless the odds seem decent and the reasonable potential gains seem to be worth it.
If I tell you to jumó off a bridge and I’ll give you a box full of cash- you don’t know how much cash is in the box, but if you can see the box, well- a tiny little box would have to be full of something like rare coins or old $500 bills to be worth it. Even if it is full of hundreds it might barely be worth it, but it could be full of $20,$10,5,2,1, .25, .01 etc. so the small box might pay big but odds are more likely it does not.
A huge box, if it is full of Pennie’s or nickels or dikes won’t be worth it but anything larger than a quarter would be good- so your odds are very good. The box has to be hiding the worst case to be a dud vs. The small box that has to have the best and least likely hidden value to be worth it.
What does this mean? The box is what we can see. It’s everything you get from your initial meeting with a person before they ask you out. Their looks and what you know about them and the context that tells you.
The money inside the box is how compatible you are romantically.
You don’t know until you open the box but you can’t open the box until you jump- so all you have is what you can see to start.
Your impressions may be wrong or the information incomplete but you have to use something to decide wether you should proceed.
Let’s look at this- if you meet someone who is funny and charming, you might date them after a 5 minute meeting because they seem fun. If things work out then you will have a fun partner. The fact they made that first meeting fun suggests they will hopefully make dating fun. As long as they don’t go psycho or murder you, you assume you’ll have at least a good time and good conversation on the date.
Big box. You might decide you want to take the risk to see inside.
If they’re totally boring and/or off putting then you are in a situation where MAYBE they are shy or out of their element- or maybe they are boring or off putting. Saying no- you may be turning down the worlds best person, but it could also mean you are avoiding a boring or horrible date.
If you’re ok with walking away that possibility passes you by but you aren’t likely losing anything you can’t get elsewhere.
I regret to inform you that people who have money or looks or success etc. can also be very personable. Flash and Harry had their turns and bullies or baddies but both have been close long term friends with Peter, heroes at various times etc.
pretty much everyone can be a jerk here and there or at various phases and most people aren’t perfect- but like… would most of you honestly date ANYONE who wanted to date you? We can get along or have fun with lots of people in life. You’ll meet or see lots of people with great personalities- every day. Do you ask each one out?
It’s not just a game of whoever gets there first and isn’t a horrible person generally.
Asides physical attraction, chemistry, various other factors- what separates romantic interests from friends?
most people can find someone attractive or want to have sex but not want to be friends.
So there are other components at play than just the surface level things like if you get along or share things in common or find physical attraction etc etc.
I mean- think of all the people who share things in common but don’t get along. Many people don’t get along BECAUSE of how similar they are.
So there are various factors and dynamics at play, but let’s just look at it from a very simplistic logical place-
The more choices you have, generally the more choosey you can be.
Even if you are just dating openly- they need to seem worth the time and risk. That sounds harsh and isn’t a reflection on them. Look- if you work 4-8 hours a day, maybe go to school 4-8 hours a day, you might like to sleep. You have self care, studying, errands- you have other friends and family and spending time with them usually means finding places in both your schedules to make time. You also likely have hobbies and things you enjoy, and you’re trying to fit in the things you enjoy with the things you have to do.
If you have 4 hours of free time a day you can use- you could give seven people a week a “chance” but have no time for your own wants and needs and desires. Some days you’ll have no free time effectively and others you may have more- but most people have less time than they have things they want or need to do.
Regardless of your free time amounts- you still have to go through it all.
Most people- we all have little quirks and things that make us “special,” and usually you need to get to know someone pretty well before you can see all these quirks. You need to invest a fair amount of time with them. But asides that- we are all similar enough to be grouped into broad archetypes.
The more you date or otherwise spend time with people, the more you tend to see this.
It is like a story. There are only so many ways to write a story that isn’t a mess to follow or such. We can apply these general templates of plot and theme and such to most stories- and after you’ve read or experienced enough you start to see the “tropes” and you say “oh, this is basically Indiana Jones in space..” or “ah. They did Macbeth but with super powers…”
When you date you usually aren’t there for the date. You can go to the movies or eat dinner alone or with friends if you wanted to. That’s not what it is all about. The activity does provide possibilities- ways to interact, work together or share ideas and opinions- their choices tell you a bit about who they are as well too-
So you’re showing effort and creativity and commitment and a little about you while trying to create a time that would be enjoyable even if it wasn’t a date, and also… if you’re considerate you’re giving them a place that feels safe and gives them ways to leave gracefully if they aren’t feeling things and a way either of you can mitigate awkwardness or have other things to focus on if there isn’t a strong connection or dynamic.
and ending the date doesn’t end that. In fact- the date could have been fun and enjoyable and maybe you even like the person and want to hang again- but not as a date. And every date you go on you know ahead of time you’re either going to be meeting the person you’ll be with the rest of your life and you’ll never plan to date again- or you know it is going to end.
And most dates end with either no more dates or one or two more TOPS, so every time you say yes to someone’s date request, you are most likely creating a moment in the future where you’re either going to be rejected or have to reject them.
If you do not believe that the odds are good for a future there, you don’t have a lot of info but getting that info generally will require dating, and if you date-
Worst case they murder or scar you.
Best case you go out again.
The middle of the road involves someone being rejected and possibly hurt, which is something we don’t want to be but also something we generally don’t want to do to toners- but that rejection can open that door to scarred for life or murdered again even if it seemed closed completely.
So men and women take risks and most smart people don’t take a risk unless the odds seem decent and the reasonable potential gains seem to be worth it.
A huge box, if it is full of Pennie’s or nickels or dikes won’t be worth it but anything larger than a quarter would be good- so your odds are very good. The box has to be hiding the worst case to be a dud vs. The small box that has to have the best and least likely hidden value to be worth it.
The money inside the box is how compatible you are romantically.
You don’t know until you open the box but you can’t open the box until you jump- so all you have is what you can see to start.
Your impressions may be wrong or the information incomplete but you have to use something to decide wether you should proceed.
Big box. You might decide you want to take the risk to see inside.
If they’re totally boring and/or off putting then you are in a situation where MAYBE they are shy or out of their element- or maybe they are boring or off putting. Saying no- you may be turning down the worlds best person, but it could also mean you are avoiding a boring or horrible date.
If you’re ok with walking away that possibility passes you by but you aren’t likely losing anything you can’t get elsewhere.