What if Bowser realizes that a princess can do better than a murderous plumber who takes mushrooms and kidnaps her because he just wants to keep her safe?

Mona Lisa smile. In real life.

Your dog is still cute. It’s the camera that’s messed up. Goodest boy posing his best. 10/10.

I am a gluten-free gendered, he/him/his pronouned human who identifies as a Krispy Kreme Kruller with strawberry frosting. I am neither a Long John nor a traditional sprinkled donut. This meme offends me on a visceral level. SMH.

At least you’re being friendly enough to introduce yourself. A bit too seductively. But you get a gold star sticker for making an effort to welcome them in.

When I was 13, my family and I took a vacation to Hawaii. I was lounging on the beach, just enjoying the sun and perfect weather, when out of the blue I heard a blood-curdling scream - ‘Oh, my god! DADDY!’ I looked up to see a man lying face down in the ocean who was being carried out to sea by the tide. I was a year-round swimmer back then so I swam out to the man and dragged him back to shore. I then had to run back to the hotel, call 911, try to explain how they could get access to the beach (which I obviously didn’t know as a tourist), then run back to the beach to meet the paramedics and tell them what happened. I didn’t know CPR back then. I watched him die on the beach right then and there - in front of his wife and children - just as the paramedics arrived. At 13 years old. And it haunts me to this day. So, yes. In my opinion - this man should receive compensation for saving those children’s lives.

‘Hey there! I usually just flip through the photos on here for entertainment but your pic really stood out from the crowd for me so I decided to click on your thumbnail to see who you really are. Great profile, I’ve gotta say. And I noticed that you’re into X. Did you know that Y? I realize that I might not be your type but I’d love to continue a conversation with you. Care to chat?’
IF(RESPONSE = Yes!, THEN(‘Awesome! Blah blah blah’), IF(RESPONSE = Hell no, you ugly pervert!, THEN(‘Terrible news for me! But I still think you’re a lovely person. I hope you find exactly what you’re looking for. Wishing you the best!’))))
Just say no to pickup lines in 2018.

@morebacon Any thoughts?

Imagine being the person behind this guy in the checkout line while he carefully sketches this signature into the dataphono when he’s buying his groceries. ‘Oh, shoot. I made the nose wrong. Can you clear it so I can start again?’ I’m already gritting my teeth!

This is a really great idea if you want your vending machine to get tipped over, broken into, and have all of the money you thought you’d make go into fixing it, cleaning eggs off of your windows, and getting toilet paper out of your trees. I’ve seen these Gen Zs firsthand. They’re vicious, mate, and have nothing to lose. Proceed with caution.

I like to think that this meme was made by a 17-year old. Humans are expected to live, what, 90, 100 years or longer in the current century. So, if you die in 52 years at age 69, then I’d say you lived a very full and exciting life ‘skidding into the grave sideways, totally used up, thoroughly worn out, and loudly proclaiming WOW...what a ride!’ Mission. 100%. Accomplished.

How appropriate considering Elmo’s voice actor was acquitted of putting his pickle in three underage boys not too long ago...