That was an act of pure genius. Glad it got you a foot in the door.

I wish I could do a better job at managing the anxiety I’m having tomorrow.

Roses are red,
Some FunSubsters are wordy,
In about 3 more seconds,
Mr. Clean will be dirty.

Both teach you that once you abandon your own selfish desires, you can reach enlightenment.

Where do you draw the line? Age 80? Age 90? That person might live to 100 and want a voice in a healthcare initiative that could affect their lives for the next 10-20 years. Should a 20-year old with a terminal illness be excluded from voting then? What if the disease hasn’t killed them by the next election cycle? Should they be allowed to vote then? I don’t think you can apply equal voting rights based on a variable you can’t control. When you learn how to predict death so we know which people to exclude from the voting booths, let me know.

This man might be onto something. I hereby vote that we change all racial slurs to benign exclamations of accident or surprise. Think about it: ‘There’s nothing I hate more than those stupid Whoopsie Daisies.’ ‘Those Shucky Darns are good for absolutely nothing.’ ‘Get out of our neighborhood, you Good Gollys!’ Seriously, it takes all of the steam out of it. How could you possibly hate a Heavens to Betsy? Racism = Solved.

Well, if you take the total cost of a college textbook and divide that by the number of pages, you’re likely paying close to a dollar a page. I think you might want to try reading those books instead of smoking them.

Ken Jeong as Superman. He can’t fly, has no heat vision, no super strength. Instead, he just hides in bad guys’ trunks then jumps out and beats them mercilessly with a crowbar until they pay him $80,000 to stop.

Because of trademark infringement.

Your soul looks like cuddles and antihistamines.

Imagine seeing a doctor immediately.

When rents are so high that it’s better not to report your dead roommate so you can still afford to live in your rent controlled flat.

Not to be rude, but can you really call him your ‘dad’ at this point? S.M.A.S.H. = Súper Mario’s Aspirational Side Hoe.

Add in the douche bag brain moment when you dream that you’ve already started your day but then wake up late to wherever you’re supposed to be and you’ve gone full Vader.

Who else actually tried this?

I didn’t know the ability to make dad jokes was instantaneous upon learning you’re going to be a father. I always assumed there was a gradual transition to full dad-joke maturity like puberty or they learned by observation or had to take a class or something.

Then the Sandman needs to step into 2018 and upgrade his servers. Even dial-up is more consistent.

As you can guess, there’s more to the story than the headline suggests. An employee told him that he had to pay for the drink. He left refusing to pay and attempted to kick the employee in the parking lot when he was told not to return. Police found him hiding in the bathroom of another restaurant and tased him when he began to fight with the officers and resisted arrest. So, don’t use water cups for soda in Missouri - then attack a foodservice worker, hide from the police, and resist arrest. (https://www.kctv5.com/news/man-arrested-after-filling-water-cup-with-soda-at-fast/article_7138a5e4-299e-5050-966b-7493578f5e5d.html)

Or a relationship that isn’t constantly pressure-tested every time you’re in public like those jeans.

Animals lack metacognition, the ability to think about thinking or to put themselves in another person’s shoes and see things through someone else’s eyes. So, they really believe that if they can’t see the accident that you can’t see it either. It’s yet another of their adorable traits that makes you love their antics all the more.

When I was young, I just wanted people to laugh together with by 23.

Very clever. But you clearly carry tools to fix a flat so why not just, I dunno, also pack a spare tube instead of duct tape?