Would the creator of this device take a moment to go on Shark Tank, please?

If a pig and a hyena had a baby.

Maybe she loves misery.

On average, toes outnumber humans nearly 10:1.

And some of you haven’t used the past participle of run correctly in your tweet.

Not with someone playing Wonderwall next to me on an acoustic guitar while I’m trying to read, it shouldn’t.

There’s a shop near where I live that sells taxidermy lessons. I’ve been debating whether it would make a really great gag gift or just a really great gift.

It only remains the same if it’s your first murder. Amateur.

The original Grimace was a bad guy with four arms to help him steal milkshakes. This must be version 1.1 with a large mouth to help him devour innocent children. Probably didn’t go over too well with focus groups, though, which is why we have good guy Grimace as we know him today.

I think the studies said that it’s less that the goats don’t understand each other and more so that they know which goats are part of their herd and which aren’t. The goats develop in-group accents together as kids, which allows them to know who is ‘one of us’ when they meet. Kind of like how you know if someone is from your country - or even which part of your country - just a few words after they open their mouth.

I question whether anyone with the handle @IssaSassyBitch is worried about having to ‘watch what I say’ or just not having the freedom to live up to her username without getting called out for it.

It's not easy being green.
It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things.
And people tend to pass you over 'cause you're not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water
Or stars in the sky.
But green's the color of Spring.
And green can be cool and friendly-like.
And green can be big like the ocean,
Or important like a mountain, or tall like a tree.
When green is all there is to be,
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder? Why wonder, I am green and it'll do fine.
It's beautiful!
And I think it's what I want to be.
(Kermit the Frog, ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green’)

One reason why people in the US complain is because jurors get paid $50 per day ($6.25 per hour for an 8 hour day), which is below minimum wage for every state. Plus, not all states require employers to pay employees their normal salary for days off due to jury duty. Some jurors lose a lot of money to fulfill their obligation to support justice. Still, I know plenty of people who blow off their jobs to judge strangers all day and still get paid their full check for it. It’s called being on FunSubstance at work.

Did you paste googly eyes on it? Or did it just come like that?

At least it didn’t say ‘I have a boyfriend.’

I don’t think I’d like my food looking at me while I eat it.

How would you clean your spit-out toothpaste from in between those crevices?

You forgot ‘Ehrmahgerds’.

Why am I not surprised? Have you heard about the German work ethic? That 3-year old has probably already asked its parents to let it start working or buy some investment properties to lease out, but they told it no because they want it to focus on studying for its preschool entrance exams. The top Vorschulen are getting very competitive nowadays, you know.

I bless you in the spirit of Oncoming Headlight and command you in the name of Suzuki Motorcyle to rise up! Rise up and walk, nay, run! Run to your destiny as an able-bodied person fully capable of getting a real job to support yourself! And all FunSubsters said - amen.