But that’s okay. You may get beat but you still deliver something sweet. Chin up, lad. You’re doing just fine.

Being a multi-millionaire actor who can afford daily skin care treatments, stress therapy, and a personal trainer helps, too.

I’ll never forget my first trip home during my freshman year of college. My parents took me out to a ‘fancy’ dinner at a chain restaurant (we’re humble folk) and asked me if I’d met anyone special at uni. I told them no. Then my father said, ‘keep your standards high, son, and eventually the right one will leap over the bar’ as he grabbed my mother’s hand and looked deeply into her eyes with a smile. With one horrible exception, I’ve followed his advice to this day. And needless to say... I’m still single.

I read that most episodes of House Hunters are actually staged. Families going on the show have usually already selected the home that they want and, oftentimes, the other two homes are just friends’ houses in the neighborhood. The key to guessing which home they’ll choose is to pick the one without any furniture. But I still love the show. Even if it’s faker than my ex’s promise to be faithful.

The way these hookup apps go, I feel like ‘there’s plenty of catfish in the sea’ is equally appropriate.

At least you’re a Visa. You could be an AmEx because no one accepts you.

Humans are like the moon’s creepy ex-boyfriend with a restraining order. We’re constantly hovering around and lurking about but never making contact after those first few encounters.

Truer words have never been spoken, Mr. Peanut Butter. My other favorite line from Bojack Horseman - ‘When you always look at someone with rose-colored glasses, it’s all too easy to miss the red flags about them.’

Leap. Lisp. Lump. Anything but lamp!

Marge looks like she has a problem with crystal meth.

Looking good, my Canidae cousin. Those big ears are all the better to hear you with.

The other cat is like ‘WTF is wrong with you?’

The sofa in my grandmother’s living room. Old-fashioned, layers of protective covering, completely off limits, and only accessible for enjoyment during really special occasions.

When you search for ‘Bukkake Bee Porn’ on PollenHub.

Tag team win against the Wicked Witch of the West. No one can escape the wet doggie sprinkler!

The greatest trick the NSA ever pulled was convincing the world that the FBI is the US government agency responsible for spying on them.

No, this is what happens when you don’t teach dinosaurology in school.

For a second, I thought the tunnel was the reflection in the leftside mirror of a car.

Being mean to your mom, dwelling on it after she’s passed, and realizing that you can never apologize.

What if instead of flossing, humans secreted a calcified substance anytime a bit of food got stuck in our teeth. ‘Hey, mate. Don’t mean to embarrass you but you have a huge pearl between your incisors.’ ‘Do I? Wait one minute while I find a fisherman to get it out.’

Do (either of) you even math, bro?