And if she’s an expert in Mom Guilt, she’ll show those photos to her child when it misbehaves and say, ‘Do you see? Do you see what I’ve been through for you?’

‘Learn English and you, too, can win the genetic lottery and be born good looking enough to model, maneuver your way to New York, get too old for the impossible-standard modeling business at 26, start looking for a wealthy husband because you have no practical skills other than your looks and passable English, marry a self-professed real estate magnate, give birth to a son who everyone accuses of being autistic which hurts you because people are attacking your not-even-teenaged child, stay with your husband through multiple public claims that he’s had affairs, get unexpectedly thrust into the limelight on a worldwide political stage, and have a media camera following your every word and move when all you wanted was to have a nice life as a woman of society in Manhattan.’ I mean, if that were your advertisement, staying monolingual would suddenly become much more appealing.

Oh my goodness, I didn’t see the bottle and thought he was breastfeeding the third child.

*hears Inner Me and sinks deeper into faux depression*

Shoutout to the guys who are clearly better at jumping than the girls in their own picture with their 2-inch verticals.

‘Can I get you two anything? Some Gatorades? A coffee? Some fresh sheets so our lovely guest can spend the night?’

I love seeing mixed couples get past the world’s hate to be together.

Pet love works like a charm. Every time.

If you don’t pay your Netflix account in combat, have you been dismembered?
If you lose your cell phone in combat, have you been immobilized?
If you lose your hat in combat, have you been incapacitated?
If you’re politically independent and lose your vision in combat, have you been neutralized?
If you can’t speak and show up to combat after it’s finished, have you been mutilated?
These are the questions that keep me up at night.

I think we all did until you said something.

Zina Portnova is the ‘bad bitch’ that rappers talk about.

That’s because they’re just so happy to see us.

Talk about seeing things through.

Nuts and gum.

Don’t cast your pearls before swine, ladies. And gentlemen.

Excellent life hack. My front teeth thank you.

‘Event boundary’ or the ‘doorway effect’ is a real thing. Crossing a doorway cleanses your mind of what happened in your last environment to prepare you for what may lie across the next threshold (presumably so our ancient ancestors wouldn’t be worrying about breaking up with their cave girlfriend while going out to hunt, hyperbolically speaking). A much better explanation of the phenomenon here: (https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-walking-through-doorway-makes-you-forget/)

‘I need a hero! I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night. And he’s gotta be fast, and he’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fresh from the fight!’