Instrument of choice: Accordion.
Game, set, match.

Someone might have missed the chance to make a wish. This has got to be rarer than seeing a shooting star.

The cat's mom commented, "He's always been a good boy. Wouldn't never hurt no one!"

You could make the same kind of comparison in a lot of places if you took one photo in January, and the other in June 105 years apart.

"My conclusion is that the evidence supports the...," checks notes, "entity that funded the study."

Facial scratches in 3...2...

"This film was inspired by true events."

Those costumes are so appealing!

Star The Empire Strikes Back Wars

She probably thinks 5" passes for 8".

...of course, I mean that she'd confuse a real $20 bill for a photocopied one that was too large, or would have trouble deciding between a 5x7 photo frame and an 8x10.

I wonder if beginning to "look at memes on the phone" sometimes (often?) triggers an attack? Smart Boi!

"Imagine the face of the one on the right, but on the body of the one on the left! Whooo-WEEE!"

My mood is 4...because I am also not a crow.

Many people who feel like losers in high school or college find their way afterwards. Maybe even redefine their concept of "winners" (satisfied with their lives rather than "super popular, everyone wants to be you or be your friend"). At that point, not being a rapist will be the much easier choice to live with.

Hell, it's hard to imagine regretting his decision at all, despite "loneliness."

...Used to.

This is somewhat the way we're heading...seeking happiness via the simulation of doing things without the risk or discomfort from actually doing them.

Here's the thing. If I were the manager, I'd wait until the person was in at work and bring up the topic more like "Was anything wrong that kept you in the chair all day?" If you're sincerely interested in the person and what things might keep them from doing their job, you might find out that he was slower due to a foot injury; the fact that he actually was setting performance records would come as a pleasant surprise and you could give an "atta boy" right then.
In fact, it sounds like the person complaining should have had access to the performance metrics, and could have checked beforehand to see that there wasn't even any reason to bring up the issue. So, going right to "this will have to be dealt with" is really pissy.
The only downside of the exchange is leaving one job before you have another lined up. It makes for a less fun chat screenshot to share with the internet, but revenge *is* better served cold.

I wonder if those pouches are lined with something soft so the passengers are comfortable and remain placid.
Maybe lambskin...oh, wait...

karlboll: "Thanks, but I'm a lover not a fighter."

But you won the fight. Despite your nontraditional and controversial method, you achieved one more win than many.
Note: I'm defining "won" as "repelled someone who wanted to harm you without allowing harm to yourself or having to harm your adversary." Others may define "won" as sent someone to the hospital, but that's just not me.