I always lock the cat flap, then when he scratches to come in I shine a flashlight on him to check for dangling tails...

I chuckled

I went to school with a Gaylord

Looks like one of my project meetings

Never trust a fart after 40.

Must....kiss......SNOOT!!!!

Why does that woman have the head of a pig?

I take the batteries out, lick them and put them back. Works every time.

At least his eyebrows got thin.

I used to have a carpenter who talked like Muttley. "Yeah yeah, yeah." Always gave me a chuckle.

What happened to her?

I threw out a scart cable last year. Needed it.

Could have been a vet

Bodacious cleavage

I did this mostly with car windows

Feels like wearing nothin' at all!

Carrie Fisher knew - what else would make her hair coil up like that

Nightmare to clean

Summoning lemons is lot more useful than summoning demons. I use lemons almost every day. Demons, only once a month or so.

Dear Dairy

I can feel those claws in my thigh.

I'll take a bushel thanks!