Now imagine that replacing the T Rex from Jurassic Park

Plot twist:
Snake was venomous
Spider kills snake
Spider saves your life
Spiderbro

Did you know all of our taps are filled with a compound known as dihydrogen monoxide and we consume it almost daily? Pass it on.

*Hot girl walks towards me*
*short skirt, big ass*
*sits on me*
*wearing a thong*
*my wood is so hard*
*i am a chair*

"I baked you a pizza!"
"Oh boy what flavor?"
"Pizza flavor"
*guitar riff*
*pizza slices levitate off of big slice*

She's a keeper if she can stop a quaffle from entering the goal

We'll be more ecologically friendly by not using fossil fuel, no gas emissions, we'll be saving money, and getting exercise. ITS BRILLIANT!

Meanwhile, when I think my cat is going to cuddle with me, she just sticks her ass in my face and puts her tail in my mouth

Tip: if you can't find any star glitter, post it notes work just as well

When your nose is long enough that your brain can't ignore it

Hey eyebrows look like sperm. Eyebrows on skeet

Plot twist, thats an actual child under that

*coughs* out of trump and clinton, i'd vote for bush