Oh yeah? Today my state championship ring flew off in my backyard, which means almost everything to me up to this point, into the half a foot high snow and me and my dad searched for 30-45 minutes searching for it and freezing. That is how you truly become a heart attack survivor.

I love being an atheist

That is scientifically known as the giant sea flap flap

Me: Muahahaha, this person won't expect this bomb.
Police officer: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to set that down.
Me: um, nah it's just a clock.
Police officer: alright carry on.

God damnit Emma, I guess some people aren't destined to join the Skeleton Army.

*gets eaten by the walkers and becomes one*

5 year olds be laughing at the floor number

He rolled his eyes because the pun game was too strong

*has multiple phones*

Arizona Diamondbacks are now selling Paula Deen Vibrators,come get them now!

If the brain would like to cage my heart and make sure I actually do some homework, that'd be great.

Aw it's so cute! *cue "Why You Always Lyin'"

That moment was in Far Cry 4 when you climb to the top of the really tall mountain in Southern Kyrat. Then glide the whole way down. Most beautiful view in the game.

Is there a "single af" option?

You said it in that motherf*cking tone inside your head, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU!?

Japan, y u no have doge (Shiba Inu) as representative?