This one time I was going going on my gf, and we made eye contact, and the crazy bitched actually waved at me!

When you wake up from a BIG night and your wallet n phone are missing, but Alicia Keys are still there.

My dishwasher talks to me. Makes me coffee. And sometimes even plays with my pee-pee!

Baby, get IN!

Sorry.
I thought we had something special.

Is it the Fkn alternator again??

Your parents??? I can only see MY parents. Are you my brother?

Attendant: Would you care for an orange juice?
Me: If it needed me.
- Carl Barron

Mona Lisa.
Mona Teaser.
Mona Frizzer.
Mona Pizza.

I am a master baiter.

Shit fam. I’m 6’4”. I ain’t gonna be no good to you then.

She needs Milk Money

Don’t you mean, Weird Al took Paul Rudd’s daughter trick or treating?

I always remind myself, I’m just a meat suit with a motherboard.

I’m perfectly fine with the way rendezvous is pronounced... it’s the way it’s spelled that fucks me.

I think I know why the company is called ‘High Cotton’.

Are bars in Italy still allowed to open??

The ‘disappear’ girl looks gorgeous. I dunno. Just something about her.

Air fryers are not funny. Until murder is involved.

Every profile pic of men over 50.

So fresh potatoes are still okay though?

Sarah doesn’t have a job yet. Sucked the wrong dick.