Shit’s falling apart for me real quick. I’m so ungodly close to failing my data structures class, because I have two projects, both due on the same date, one of them I can’t figure out, the other hasn’t even been started yet (we were supposed to finish the 1st one this monday and begin work on the last one this week, but our 1st one got pushed ahead thanks to our teacher being a bro), and I have no clue how the fuck I’m supposed to do my last project anyway. They’re just two stupid fucking programs, two programs I can’t figure the fuck out and are going to severely fuck me over so hard. My teacher can’t help any more than he already is without just programming the damn assignment for me, my classmates can’t help me more bc doing so would break school laws and get us both in serious trouble, and I’m very quickly running out of time.

Failing this class is going to severely ruin my future. I had so much stuff planned out later down the line that required me to pass everything this year and get my diploma. I have a game studio that’s looking to hire me once I finish my studies. That would be gone. I was hoping to move somewhere new and begin working there once I got my diploma next year. That’ll be incredibly pushed back. I was even hopeful that I could potentially scrounge up enough “leisure” money to maybe take a short trip to England to see my girlfriend in person for the first time. That idea would be completely shattered. Instead I would be forced to go back to Miramichi for a third year for potentially a singular class, 100% spend the rest of my time getting a part-time job I was hoping to avoid, and spend another couple hundred/thousand dollars more for both school and rent, all for just one class.

The worst part about all of this is that its all my own damn fault. I couldn’t focus whatsoever with online learning. No matter how hard I tried, it never worked out for me. At first I figured that I could screenshot most of our lessons and learn at my own pace, but as shown from my very first assignment in this class, I’m learning next to nothing. I just don’t fucking get it. I should be able to adapt myself to this bullshit. My school has, my classmates have, my teachers have, hell my teachers have bent themselves over backwards for us so hard their spines are practically spiral shaped, and I still can’t catch up. I feel like such a failure. My entire future is in jeopardy because of this, and I can’t point fingers at anyone or anything but me. Not my depression, not my teacher, not COVID, just me, ruining my own chances of success.

I hate myself so much. This year has absolutely destroyed me. Depression is slapping me harder than ever before. I hate random people when I never even wanted to. America has shown me its true colors by stealing my sister from our home and forcing her to live there for her degree (no offense to any americans on here, I’m just referring to my sisters situation). I despise the government with a passion and wish for nothing but its destruction. I feel so much more bitter and hateful than before. My future is in jeopardy due to my own incompetence. My sleep schedule has been absolutely destroyed, to the point where my new sleep schedule is “sleep when my body decides it no longer wishes to be awake”. I hate my life so much. I don’t know what to do with myself. I just wish I could stop trying with this fucking world. I just want to exist and be happy and do things I like, but I can’t do any of that because this year has broken me and thrown my entire future in for a loop, presumably for the

I don’t know what to do guys. I’m losing hope here. I hate myself with a passion. I wish I could reset myself into being a better, more competent person. I’ve had so much go right for me my whole life, and I’ve squandered it. I grew up in a decent home with parents who love me and each other, with teachers who never abused me for their own gain, in a country with so much going for its people. Hell even recently, I’m living in a province who (up until now, thanks assholes) had some of the least amount of covid cases on the entire planet. I had a successful life practically rolled out for me on a red carpet. Even if it wasn’t successful, I could’ve at least had a good life. Instead I’m ruining it for myself and I can’t find out why. Its almost like theres another brain in me that just hates the idea of being successful and continues to laze around and do nothing. I’m so fucking lazy and no matter how hard I try I can never pull myself out from that rut.

And the worst part is, I can’t find out why. I don’t know why I’m like this. If someone came up to me and said “just fuckin stop being lazy”, its not that easy, but I can’t explain WHY its not that easy. Its just difficult for me. I have so many emotions that I wish I could explain but can’t for no fucking reason whatsoever, and it destroys me so much. I feel like I have no excuses. I just wish I could reset myself. Wake up and be a completely different person with an all new mindset and ideals. That would be so lovely. Instead I’m stuck as myself with no way out. Fuck me. I hate me. I hate this world and I hate myself.

What would being a better, more competent person look like to you exactly?

@dr_richard_ ew. Can't, won't I suck, hate myself. Your focus determines your trajectory. Look at what you have said about yoursef. Look at how you are burdening yourself with others perspectives that aren't even true. Sit down, breathe. Stop thinking and doing and just breathe. Find the exact issue of what you need to accomplish and find a new solution. If you don't understand a program then ask someone who does. Call a business that would work with it and talk with them. Call the gaming studio that wants you and ask for help. If you focus on belittling yourself you will never find the amazing creativity and resourcefulness you have.

@dr_richard_ew it is really too damn hard and I know the "stop being lazy" never works it's just horrible to try too much and still not gain anything positive just to be betrayed by our brains lazyness and lack of focus and I don't know if this will help but I really think you're strong... That being said having a really good live lessens the determination to improve it further and it can go downhill as you are feeling now...but it doesn't have to go that way..also hating yourself won't really change the situation

If you remember we texted on FB...I failed my highschool for three years just because I had extreme insomnia and it just made me lazier but now it has been better...and it will be better for you as well..try to have it done but in case if you can't..you will have better chances and you can even get better gaming companies..just understand how awesome you are and that you'll make your worth such that companies will come to hire you and not you having to request them to do so

Also if you think you can go back and change things...you won't even if you get a chance..if you can't change the things now you can't change things in last even if you get a chance

Try to complete you assignments if possible and if not..after all that is over just make a habbit of doing anything productive in the first 3 hours after waking up and not touching games or phone at all..this seems simple but really boosts the productivity..you can even convince yourself by thinking just 3 hours of work and after that the whole day for recreational activities without any guilt..

Also if you are comfortable..can you tell me which language or program do you need to understand to complete your assignment?

(I'm sorry I'm not giving in depth responses to anyone yet, im just taking some time to think things over)
@blazingfrags the first one is in c# (my best language imo), the second one will be java

I can't help with a lot of things, but go easy on yourself, don't throw the entire person away because a crisis situation has proven not to be adapted to you, that would be nonsense. You're far from the only one who's had problem with online learning, I heard something on the radio the other day and my sister who's a high school teacher has confirmed that online learning has led to people completely dropping out. It's understandable, it doesn't have the same "materiality" as face to face learning- I understand feeling bummed by feeling like others have adapted better to this situation but we all just don't work the same.
blazingfrags is right, you can only make the best of the current situation.
As for being angry for your sister's situation, I get it too, it only shows you like her, the anger probably comes for sleep deprivation (idk about you but I cannot assert a situation correctly when too tired and everything feels worse than it should).

I'm gonna sound like a grandma, but eat healthy stuff, your body needs it to function, and even though I can imagine the stress you're feeling, sleep as soon as you need to. Sadly I don't know programming so I can't help with that.

Man no matter how thorough your plan is, it will never go your way. One step at a time man. Stress and depression will kill you. Thats all I can tell you. Opportunities will come again no worries. I do understand its too much to bear sometimes but all you can do is be patient and try again.