it's a bad idea to do this, even talking about it releases the frustration and built up emotion, bottling it up builds over time and can be disastrous when it's finally released
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· 10 years ago
Yep. You know how you can improve interpersonal relationships? By actually talking and being honest with others without attacking them.
That can be much harder than it sounds, especially if you're not good at talking to people to begin with. This happens to me... a lot. I have an issue with figuring out how to speak what is on my mind; I don't know how to find the words. So if someone impatient asks me what's wrong, it's easier to say "nothing, I'm fine" than it is to actually tell them and potentially make things worse.
Of course it's difficult at first. It takes practise to identify exactly what the problem is and then to communicate that to someone else. It does get easier over time, and it's certainly worth it. Try to be specific about what the person has done, how you feel, and what you want. It's especially effective if you can identify the other person's needs too.
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· 10 years ago
I'll give you a personal example. My husband told me he'd join me in 20 minutes, but then took way longer than that. I was pretty upset and he could tell something was wrong. Instead of telling him that I was fine, I said something like this:
When you keep me waiting for more than an hour after telling me that you're coming, I feel like I'm less important than your computer games. I also know that you need alone time and relaxation time. Next time please either come when you say you will, or at least tell me when it's going to take longer.
He apologized, and we both agreed on my suggested course of action.
sorry rice, it's hard to start where the problem begins, in his defense, a computer game's time can go a lot longer than expected. I used to have issues with articulating (big word) my sentences, but I got better with arguments by basing them on facts and logic, not emotional responses. identifying the key root of the issue is where to start, but you did the right thing and at least talked about it.
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· 10 years ago
There's nothing wrong with having an emotional response when it's an emotional issue. Not all arguments are debates. Anyway, in this case it was a YouTube video with a set time. (To clarify: the video was a letsplay of some game.) Instead of coming at the end of the video like he'd said, he started something else.
I'm not quite sure what your purpose was in calling 'articulating' a big word. I'm using simple language to illustrate a point for a site that mostly caters to a younger audience.
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Edited 10 years ago
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· 10 years ago
My example was based on interpersonal communication theory, which follows a basic formula: when you did x I felt y. I acknowledge z, so let's find a specific, mutually agreed upon solution.
I have tried these kinds if things before and they blew up in my face -_-
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· 10 years ago
Lol iccarus, why would I want to give up intimacy to spite him? That's kind of a lose-lose situation.
Soccer, you need to change the wording to suit the person to whine you're speaking. That does remind me that I forgot to mention the internal part of the process. When you find yourself getting upset, often it's because of jumping to a conclusion that happens to be an inner fear or worry. It's important to consider the other person's point of view and to think of alternate reasons for their behavior. You can learn to interrupt the pattern of negative thinking and replace it with more positive and realistic thoughts. This is based on cognitive-behavioural therapy.
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· 10 years ago
The basic pattern is this: antecedent leads to behavior, which leads to a consequence. (ABC). Changing the thought will change the B and C. I'll explain with my example again.
A = hubby kept me waiting. B = I felt unimportant, so I got upset. C = we both got in a bad mood with each other and didn't enjoy the time as much. (Until we talked through the earlier example.)
I'm used to using this model, so I did use alternate thinking to understand his position. It wasn't enough that time to completely avoid being upset, but it did allow us to talk through it and resolve the conflict. The alternative ABC went like this:
A = hubby kept me waiting. B = I thought that he was tired after work and just needed a few more minutes to relax alone. I could have played pokemon to keep myself occupied, which would have possibly led to C = we both spent time together in good moods.
Sorry for the long posts. I hope that was useful for somebody. I'm trying to condense an entire college course for you.
We've repeatedly been told that we "don't need to hold it all in," as if that's a bad thing. Sometimes letting it out is worse. Do you know what happens when someone with a panic disorder talks to someone else about the possibility of having a panic attack? They have a panic attack. And it's so much worse when someone sees you break down like that. Do you know what happens when they hold it in and don't say anything? They can release in private. Have you ever been angry about something and then half an hour later realized you were upset over nothing? Yeah, good thing you decided to hold it in and not say you're angry about something that was actually no big deal. Oh wait, no, you decided to let it out and instead of putting it in the past, now you have to feel regret for saying something you didn't truly mean.
There are times when it's good to talk things out. But that doesn't apply to everything.
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· 10 years ago
There are ways to express your emotions honestly without exploding at others. Take responsibility for your actions.
The ones that love you want to know and if they know you have panic attacks i'm sure they will take that into account. My husband does with me and i repeatedly make a big deal about nothing but he continues to let me know he cares and is there for me.
I do this all the time but letting it out is SO much worse for me. It gets me thinking about it. I try to push it to the back of my mind and ignore it. No one seems to understand that it works for me and it never bothers me again unless someone asks 'how I'm feeling.'
And there is one person who insist on knowing what happened, make me like him, then realized he is straight and there is no way I can have him to comfort me for the rest of my life :(
When you keep me waiting for more than an hour after telling me that you're coming, I feel like I'm less important than your computer games. I also know that you need alone time and relaxation time. Next time please either come when you say you will, or at least tell me when it's going to take longer.
He apologized, and we both agreed on my suggested course of action.
I'm not quite sure what your purpose was in calling 'articulating' a big word. I'm using simple language to illustrate a point for a site that mostly caters to a younger audience.
Soccer, you need to change the wording to suit the person to whine you're speaking. That does remind me that I forgot to mention the internal part of the process. When you find yourself getting upset, often it's because of jumping to a conclusion that happens to be an inner fear or worry. It's important to consider the other person's point of view and to think of alternate reasons for their behavior. You can learn to interrupt the pattern of negative thinking and replace it with more positive and realistic thoughts. This is based on cognitive-behavioural therapy.
A = hubby kept me waiting. B = I felt unimportant, so I got upset. C = we both got in a bad mood with each other and didn't enjoy the time as much. (Until we talked through the earlier example.)
I'm used to using this model, so I did use alternate thinking to understand his position. It wasn't enough that time to completely avoid being upset, but it did allow us to talk through it and resolve the conflict. The alternative ABC went like this:
A = hubby kept me waiting. B = I thought that he was tired after work and just needed a few more minutes to relax alone. I could have played pokemon to keep myself occupied, which would have possibly led to C = we both spent time together in good moods.
Sorry for the long posts. I hope that was useful for somebody. I'm trying to condense an entire college course for you.
But don't worry, I do the exact same.
There are times when it's good to talk things out. But that doesn't apply to everything.
"Put on a happy face..."