Add heartbreak and self-disappointment, and that about sizes it up.
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But disclaimer- I tend to beat myself up a little extra. Most people aren’t as hard on themselves, can move past things a little easier, and have more people to share the burden with.. so it doesn’t have to be all bad.
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I’m just caught in the perfect storm
@catfluff Impressive.
@shikharizard I see this as: You‘ve locked yourself in a cage and left the key in the lock(that‘s on your side of the cage), and when we try to put our hands through to open it, you smack them with a whip.
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· 5 years ago
1/2 @Aviva damn, that was like a scolding...
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I don't know how to ask for, or accept help Aviva. I've never had it, so I just figured out how to do everything on my own. Seriously- the ex that I go on about tried to help me with this, but I inadvertently micromanaged my life and made it almost impossible for her. I didn't do it on purpose, I wanted HER help, specifically hers, she took the time to get past all my defensiveness and my barriers, but even then I found it so hard to accept help.
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It's really hard to explain. Yes, I've locked myself in a cage, and yes i'm the only one with a key, but.. imagine that the lock is rusted. Really, really, REALLY rusted. It's almost more effort than it's worth to turn the key, with no guarantee that things will be better if I do.
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· 5 years ago
2/2 At least I know I'm safe in my cage. Up until this past relationship that I reference, I was convinced I eventually wanted to turn that key and step out of the cage. Now, I don't know what, but something's changed inside of me. I went from eventually wanting to come out, to not really wanting to anymore. Now, I embrace it. I'm not happy in here, but I'm not unhappy. Not everything works well, but everything works, and over time I can gradually improve my situation. I have the willpower and the ability, I'm extremely independent and self-reliant. There would have to be something spectacularly tempting to make me leave it, and I don't see that happening in this lifetime- and I'm ok with that.
@Shikharizard I‘m sorry if it came out as offensive, but it‘s true. I‘m responding late because I had a issue with my network.
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I must confess that I suck at asking for help. It fear I might bother someone, or they may not want to help me. I can‘t say that I‘ve been in your situation but I know you feel incapacitated. Sometimes the people we expect to help us, can‘t really go all the way and you can‘t beat yourself up for it. It‘s not your fault. Who you are now isn‘t your fault. The people that helped me most were people I never expected. I won‘t say you‘re broken because you‘re still working(maybe not all the way YET, but you‘re slowly getting there). Using your own words against you, life is too short to be locked up in a cage because you‘re afraid of what‘s outside it. I‘ve been caged mentally and physically and it‘s not a fun place to be. No matter how you try to make it comfortable, it can never be. You‘re not meant to remain in it.
@Shikharizard Stepping out of my cage was really uncomfortable and scary, and I wanted to run back in. But the moment you realise that it‘s really unhealthy for you and that you were created for greater things, even your fears can‘t stop you. You‘re not a freak, and you‘re sure as hell not pathetic. And no matter how rusted the lock is, a couple of hard hits with a stone should break it.
And it depends on your definition of safety. Safety is usually seen as the condition of being/feeling protected from harm. Your cage doesn‘t seem so safe because it‘s wearing you away and making you live so much less. The hurt you inflict on yourself can be tons more damaging than the hurt others inflict on you. And if you were truly safe, you‘d be happy, let your guard down, and you wouldn‘t have so many walls around you.
@Shikharizard And funny thing, the life-changing spectacular things we want usually tend to already be in our lives, but we don‘t recognise it. You‘re not alone. I‘ve had a really similar life to yours. I‘m the way I am because I went exploring outside my cage and found a life(even Brutus has a soft spot). You can‘t hide in there till you die. I‘ll poke you with a stick if I have to. Also, your emotions don‘t make you pathetic. I can‘t count the number of times I cried or got upset. You‘re your only obstruction. Above all, I know that you‘re going to get out of that cage soon. And nasty! It must smell in there! (lol). You need some fresh air. And yay! You get a gold star for expressing yourself.
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· 5 years ago
@Aviva You really are Pixie. You're a sweetheart. Thank you.
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I'm not ignoring what you said, I just can't process, and respond to all of it now. I will when I'm ready.
@Shikharizard Thank you! :)
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And that‘s ok. Same happens to me. I owe jasonmon and xvarnah a response, and I still haven‘t collected my thoughts to respond yet.
@Aviva Alright, alright. First off, let's be clear. As a born salesman, I'm responding because I respect your perseverance, not because this is something I want to talk about. The reality is I don't have a problem talking about it, it just doesn't seem to serve a purpose.
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"My cage" and your cage are very different things Aviva. I don't actually know much of your story and your past, except that it was difficult- and by the sounds of it, very difficult. I have tremendous respect for someone your age showing such maturity, I can shamelessly say that at 17 I was not that far past the trauma of my childhood, because I was still in it. I didn't get a clear break until 19, and even then, not a full disconnection.
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My cage, is nothing more or less than emotional isolation Aviva. I've been one state of isolation or another since I was 8. But it set in for real at 16, and hit its absolute "worst" at 20.
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· 5 years ago
@Aviva And while we can consciously and sensibly discuss that it's not healthy, and not a great way to live.. honestly I wish it had never ended. At 20, I was MACHINE. Cold, mechanical, calculated, and I was capable of performing and competing at a level that others couldn't even match. It wasn't like we were even in competition, they just weren't in the same league.
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Then I met my 1st gf. And she opened me up, and made me an emotional little bitch. It's a can of worms I've been trying to close for the last 6 years.
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We broke up after 18 months, and I had a 2nd episode of performing at the highest level. I achieved more in those 3 years than I have in the rest of my life combined.
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Then I met my 2nd gf. That time, I fell in love for real. The last thing she ever told me (at my request, so I won't pretend she's a bad person for it) was that she never loved me. That she left me, because during the time we were together, she never fell in love with me.
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· 5 years ago
@Aviva It didn't matter. None of this really matters, but I have to share the backstory to paint the picture. The reality was, I fell in love, for a 2nd time, and this time for real. I experienced love for the first time in at least 15 years, I would speculate more than that.
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The simple fact is, I'm an extremely self-aware person. I'm sure you can relate- after you spend that much time alone with yourself, you learn yourself well. I'm NOT opposed or closed off to the idea of experiencing love, or a relationship again. I can just say that my subconscious defenses are now at such high alert, I don't anticipate that it would feasibly happen again.
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I never lie, or misrepresent myself to the girls that I try and hook-up with casually. But even when I find myself liking them subconsciously, at a personal level, my defenses kick in and wipe those emotions clean. And I have no intention of stopping that. If and when my mind feels at ease enough to take that risk again, it will.
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· 5 years ago
@Aviva if it never does, it never does. And I'm not concerned about it. I have goals, dreams, aspirations; and aside from that I just have a life. I'm busy. I have a job, a mortgage, fitness to maintain, food to cook, bills to pay. I'm extremely occupied, so the fact that I have no inclination to form a personal relationship with someone, is secondary to the fact that I simply have no time. And when you stop and prioritize time, I literally just can't think of a single good reason to put a person, above my ambitions.
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With my ex, I went from being a workaholic maniac, to prioritizing time with her. I would leave the office 3-4 days a week at 9PM so I could leave 1 day at 3PM and spend the afternoon with her. No regrets, best decision ever, I enjoyed every second with her. But she's gone, my heart is in a state of disrepair, and in the aftermath, my defenses are back up and higher than ever.
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· 5 years ago
@Aviva She took the time and effort to understand me, when most people wouldn't. Seriously, in our generation, and in the city I live in, a person like her is very rare. Based on that by itself, just talking probability and statistics, I doubt very much I'll meet someone like her again. And she was literally my dream girl. She was everything I've wanted since I was 7. There have been 3 girls since her- one of whom made the grade. She was really cool, but all the time I spent with her, was spent comparing how she just didn't make me feel the way my ex did. She couldn't. It's not her fault, but she simply wasn't "right enough" for me.
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And I feel it's incredibly dishonest to be with someone, and waste their time and deliberately hurt them. She was falling for me, very quickly. She was devoted, and very loving. If I had let that continue I would've hurt her really badly- and some selfish part of me wanted to. But retrospectively, I'm glad I made the right decision.
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· 5 years ago
@Aviva So when we talk about "my cage" it really doesn't have to be all bad. I'm wealthier than most, and no, material wealth isn't everything. Frankly it's nothing at all, it's all just thin air. But money is freedom in our world. I want a personal trainer, a dietitian, I want a mansion with my own theatre room and gym, I want to travel 200 days a year, I want to party in 5 different countries in a single week, I want to travel in first class and stay in 7-star hotels. I want to eat the best food, have the best experiences.
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All of that takes money, money takes time and hard work, and as hyper-competitive, hyper-aggressive salesperson, I derive tremendous satisfaction and pride from my work. So, for now, I'm dedicated to that, while I make "my cage" comfy and cozy.
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· 5 years ago
@Aviva If the right person comes along, and walks the gauntlet of my defenses and somehow makes it through, I'll definitely give them a shot. But between how high my defenses are, and the rarity of people like my ex- logic and statistical probability just aren't on my side.
I can relate so much to this. I miss that part of me, now that I'm in a relationship I feel like I achieve nothing because people always get in the way. On the other end, I'm majorly thankful for them when I'm in a good mood. I also struggle to admit stuff is my fault and it is kind of easier to keep track and stay motivated if you know it's literally just you, no excuses.
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· 5 years ago
@Catfluff Exactly. No excuses. Nice to hear it isn't just me who feels like this. I mean I always knew, but it's nice to hear.
@shikharizard I see your summoning circle and I am here. I also see your several boxes-long comment and I reject your attempts and usurping me and guest_ as the reigning comment-length champions.
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That aside-- I will read it but not right this moment. This looks important and I don't have Time to properly read through it all right this second. I'll look at it a bit later in the day when I have time to actually devote all my attention to it (and if I Don't respond feel free to chase me around with a club)
@shikiharizard I wonder if it would sound strange to you if I were to say that your cage isn't a cage at all?
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I'd liken it more to a fortress, honestly. And I could be way off base. But to me it sounds like you've spent all this time constructing this thing- the turrets and towers are all the right height, the walls are aligned just the way you want them, you've got a good view of your enemy should they come your way. You're alone, but you're productive and your safe.
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Could you leave the fortress if you wanted to? Yes. But why? To what end? If there's nothing of comparable value, why would you abandon this structure you've built that's served you well and that you KNOW you can get use out of?
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Tbh I have no idea if I'm like you in any way or not but I will admit openly that I am EXTREMELY particular about who I let into my life. Especially romantically.
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Your reasons may be slightly different, but I don't personally see anything wrong with being that way
Forcing a relationship rarely has any kind of good outcome.
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Based on what you've said your parents weren't exactly fountains of emotion and warmth when you were growing up, and as much as this will probably sound like psychoanalysis it wouldn't seem too far a stretch to believe you'd have some issues with emotional connection and such.
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I do think that, when it comes to your ex girlfriend, you may have bonded with her to such a degree that you feel like no one will ever compare, but I feel I should mention that if you define her as perfect, the gold-standard, and incomparable, then you are likely are sabatoging some of the future girls you'll meet before they get a chance. You often don't get to know someone on any kind of level until you've spent months, or better year a year with them.
Now, I'm not trying to say you're wrong for not wanting to Lead girls on-- that's actually very admirable-- and if something feels wrong it feels wrong. But most likely most girls you meet won't measure up to her because they can't. Because they won't be her. But maybe some area the other girl was lacking one of them will have in spades-- and that might be an area you didn't even know you needed in your life.
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At this point I'm rambling, but hopefully some of that came out coherent.
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Tbh I don't think that you should even be worrying about stepping outside of your fortress right now.
i relate a lot of shit to music and you're going to be a victim of that now (aren't you excited?), but there's a line from a song that came to my mind when I was reading what you said:
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"'She said 'if we're going to make this work
You've got to let me inside, even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said 'like it or not, it's the way it's gotta be.
You've got to love yourself if you could ever love me.'"
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The last line in particular I think might apply to your situation. It's very difficult to have a healthy relationship if you are constantly disappointed in yourself and such. Some people can find self-worth through somebody else, but it sounds to me a bit like you have trouble coping with your emotions at times.
It's easier to shut them down. Until someone wants you to open up, and when you lose the person who was helping you do so you don't know what to do to "stop the bleeding." So you keep bleeding until eventually a big scab forms and you can go back to dealing with less emotionally heavy things.
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Tbh I'm not sure what incited this entire conversation. You sound very reluctant to have opened up and it makes me a little uncomfortable to think you might have been doing so without really wanting to.
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Admittedly I've already said a lot but I kind of want to leave it here for now and give you a chance to tell me if I'm way off base, on the right track, or "this was a mistake fuck off out of here."
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· 5 years ago
@Xvarnah This is why I summoned you. Mama-bear does get me, and frankly you worded that better than I could. A fortress - built to specification - paints the picture more accurately.
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Again, we've discussed differences between us, and I'm certain that if we had the context and information of acquaintance we'd find more, but I would imagine we're extremely alike. I am just as careful with who I let into my life, because for me, a real relationship has to be genuine. I can adequately vet my potential partner, but I have an obligation to be engaged as well. Right now, I'm simply not... and I tried to force it with the aforementioned young lady- which showed me just how far I am from doing that.
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· 5 years ago
No, it's definitely true. Perhaps inadvertently, but my upbringing made it abundantly clear that if I was going to survive, I was going to have to make it on my own. Experience has taught me- and just keeps beating it into me, that I'm better off on my own. @Aviva seems to believe otherwise, but the evidence all points towards the same conclusion. Forming any kind of emotional connection does not come easily to me. For me to fight that instinct, and my compulsive need to remain self-sufficient, the young lady in question needs to be something quite incredible. And while it's just improbable to expect to find someone like that, it's genuinely unfair to expect someone to present themselves that way. I don't.
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I anticipate being alone for a good long time, and objectively speaking, that's sad. I do get lonely. But that's my life, and I accept it.
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· 5 years ago
As far as sabotaging potential relationships, I don't think that's the case. I judge every individual- individually. She just set the bar very high, and I'm not going to settle. The next person has to meet, or raise the bar. I strive to raise the bar myself, in everything I do. If I don't blow my partner away, I would proactively encourage them to break things off with me. Relationships are destined to fail when one person feels they've "had better" or "known better". And I don't want to be that person, who fails to meet the mark for another.
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Lol and @Aviva incited this therapy session. Gosh-darned, insistent young whippersnappers. But no, all said, I would not have shared if I really didn't want to. I don't enjoy talking about this, but I definitely 'can'.
@shikiharizard well I'm glad I was at least near the mark haha. I was worrying halfway through that I was way off base. I think you worded it pretty well, but I think the cage analogy was a bit.. Confining.
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But yeah, just to clarify I wasn't trying to say I think there's anything wrong with how you handle or approach your relationships. I was just trying to say you may have to check your expectations a bit if you're constantly comparing to your old girlfriend and find you're struggling. I wasn't trying to say lower your bar but also don't whack people over the head with it when they try and take a shot at it if that makes sense. Unless they kicked your puppy or something. Then definitely whack them with it.
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Still all your reactions seem very normal given your circumstances and personality to me. Just to assuage @aviva 's concerns-- it's not that Shuki CAN'T get close to people, it just takes an extremely particular type of person for him to decide it's worth the effort or risk.
Tbh I find that people who put a lot of emphasis on finding romantic relationships end up being unhappier because they feel pressured and like they're missing out when they're single. And then they try and fix it with a huge amount of determination, which opens them up to more opportunities to rejection, which can cause a huge blow to their self-esteem.
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I'm not saying people shouldn't try and find love, but when people put so much pressure on it it can make them dejected and neurotic.
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I've never personally felt much of a drive to find someone to be with. I enjoy it when it happens, but I don't feel any desire to force it.
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I think you kind of have a similar perspective, @shikiharizard in that you want a relationship, but only if it's REAL. Someone who fits you and you two can devote yourselves to each other. You're all in, or you're all out. There's no room for anything else, and it would be a waste of both of your time to pretend otherwise
As a side note-- I was not planning that cage pun, it happened entirely organically, and I cringed and grinned so hard when I realized, I knew I had to inflict it on someone else
Haha Aviva just has a desire to make everybody's world a little bit brighter, and if you resist she'll simply latch onto your ankle until you give in. She has your best interests at heart :)
I feel attacked. I‘m being misunderstood here. I had little info about what was going on with you Shik, but I have a better light on what it is now. Also, I had to write out my thoughts on paper so I don‘t stare at the screen for an hour thinking about how to put my words(I‘m not typing it in an email because it doesn‘t work as great as writing it down for me). My evening has been a bit unhappy, but I‘ll respond soon.
No one was attacking you, Hon. I'm not sure why you feel that way but I assure you it wasn't the case :s
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I think maybe we all have to take a step back here because first shik felt attacked and now you're saying you do and I think we're all just trying to have a conversation about a very heavy topic
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· 5 years ago
Omg @Aviva. Nobody is attacking you haha. I don't mind you asking- it’s nice to know you care enough to ask- regardless of whether it would make a difference. And I definitely don’t feel attacked. Amongst the endless world of conversation topics, this is not the most pleasant. But not a personal attack.
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Please accept my apologies if you felt hurt. That was not the intention.
Wait, how would me smoking have gotten you closer to my age?
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· 5 years ago
It wouldn’t. Your answers just sound so mature but you strike me as a young person. You’re somewhere between 20-40 and it’s driving me crazy that I can’t tell
@Shikharizard What is “batto?“ And don‘t even think of dating momma bear. I don‘t want a FS step dad. We already have Jason.
@xvarnah Hmmmm
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· 5 years ago
@aviva wait what? I’m so confused.. I just said I was right that mama bear was in her 20s. Somewhere between 26-29 to be exact.
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And batto is because you called her Batman. Doggo, catto, batto..
@shikharizard "Curiosity is killing my damn cat. How old are you? I can’t tell and it’s driving me nuts"
I was referring to this one, where a cat's life is cleary in danger...
@Shikharizard I‘m responding now because I‘ve been through a lot emotionally in the past few days. Get ready because this is gonna be long:
:P At least I was able to bug you enough to answer me. I understand why you don‘t want to talk about stuff like this.
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Our “cages“ may be different, but reading a more detailed explanation of what happened makes your “cage“ seem more like a defined territory that gives you comfort and protects you from external harm. I have my own defined territory but I sometimes tend to step out to see the world outside incase I missed something. I‘ll tell a more detailed story about what happened to me after this marathon. I believe what matters is that we both survived our stories and are much better now...
@Shikharizard I know how tiring people can be, Shik. I live with the most stressful people I know. Usually, when we become fed up with something, we isolate ourselves from it(intentionally or unintentionally). Jasonmon said it‘s like a coping mechanism, but when it persists after the issue is over, it tends to be maladaptive.
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A lot of things we do are not healthy. But since we‘ve been doing them over a reasonable period of time and we feel comfortable, it‘s difficult letting go of them because now they‘ve fused to or attached themselves to us. I understand why you feel like a machine too...
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· 5 years ago
@catfluff OH! Don’t worry, @Xvarnah saved the cat by at least sharing that she’s in her 20s. But yes unfortunately I think the catto won’t make another month. Mama bear is refusing the share the number.
@Shikharizard A lot of people open us up but they can‘t take us all the way. They give you a candle for you to see the path ahead of you, but can‘t go with you. In cases like this, it helps to count your gains above your loses. I won‘t say forget her, etc. That will be more harm than good. You shouldn‘t let it lock you up. I have met people who have helped me so much but couldn‘t stay as long as I would‘ve loved them to. There‘s hope that there are infact other amazing people in this world who you‘ll definitely meet. Not everyone stays in our lives forever(but a few will). My mom was the most amazing person in my life but I lost her at 6. I felt like I couldn‘t live without her. She taught me a lot but isn‘t alive to see them manifest. So many times I wanted her to come back but she can‘t and I had to accept that. There was a time I was so invested in her loss that I made decisions based on it and wasted about 2 years of my life before I realised it...
@Shikharizard It‘s absolutely normal to have a defense mechanism after what you‘ve been through. But don‘t let it hinder your growth or incapacitate you. I hope this doesn‘t come out wrong, but I believe(I could be wrong) when you say stuff like you‘ll never meet the right person or fall in love, you are ‘comforting‘ yourself with those lies to avoid situations that could lead you there because you‘re afraid(I‘m sorry if that comes off as offensive)...
@Shikharizard Believe it or not, we may not be able to fight the fact that we‘ve been put through trauma, but we can still control our emotions(it takes work). It has helped me to actually be able to laugh and be happy no matter how short or long it lasts(I‘m still working on myself). My dad hasn‘t changed, but I forgive him nonetheless. I won‘t let him in my life, but I have taken away the power he had to control/influence me and my emotions. If I let my feelings (i.e. anger, disappointment...) become entangled with him and all the evil he has done, he will still have the power to influence and incapacitate me.
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Sometimes the trauma kicks back in and makes me numb, but bit by bit, I‘m healing. At least I‘m not as big of a mess as I was when I got out of my dad‘s house in middle 2017. It‘s awesome that you‘re building yourself. You‘ve put a lot of effort into it. But...
@Shikharizard ...as far as the relationship aspect of your life still bothers you, it means you care about it enough to want it. It‘s more like you‘re afraid to try. You have good reasons not to, but it‘s still there so you might as well do something about it. I doubt I‘ve told @Xvarnah this, but I tried about 15+ times before I finally got out of my dad‘s house. I reached out for help so many times but a lot of them didn‘t get back to me. Some decided it was impossible to help and others simply couldn‘t. I almost gave up, ALMOST. Then I memorised my aunt‘s(my mom‘s eldest sister) number off my dad‘s phone(when I tell you the back story, you‘ll get it).
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No one is saying you should put anyone above your ambitions. If you find a positively ambitious woman, she won‘t let you do that. Above all, you deserve to be happy, and you and I both know you aren‘t...
@Shikharizard Happiness is not imoossible to find. It can be crazy hard to find sometimes, but if you don‘t give up looking for it, you‘ll find it.
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Gosh, I‘ve said so much already! Forgive me. Also, I doubt anyone really understands ne either(I could be wrong). But you know you more than anyone knows you. If someone really cares about you, they‘ll want to understand you. But you‘ve gotta give them the chance to. As far as women haven‘t gone extinct, you‘ll meet the Lady haha.
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If you‘ve ever doubted you made the wrong decision about letting her go, I believe you made the right decision/call. Human beings are very unique and very different. You can‘t find another @Xvarnah anywhere else. We wake up from our daydreams and fantasies. It‘s great to be wealthy, and it‘s greater to be wealthy and happy...
@Shikharizard In all, be sure you‘re building all the right things with your life. I doubt there are any statistics in an absolutely infinitely random world. The statistics is all in your head, Shik :P
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This is the last one. I need to take a shower and clean before my aunt thinks I‘ve been lazy today. That took much longer than I expected. I hope you, @Catfluff, and @Xvarnah have a great day. I‘ll type out the back story when I‘m done writing it down.
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· 5 years ago
@aviva good lord. I don’t remember being that mature at 17. I also don’t know how my sad little life story because a conversation topic, but I am grateful that all of this back and forth comes from a place of caring.
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@Xvarnah on a side note, when it comes to Netflix, I typically don’t watch anything for more then 15-20 mins in a sitting. So I usually choose movies that I can work through over a week, and often ones I’ve already seen and liked.
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Today I chose to start the umbrella academy because of your mention of auto-erotic asphyxiation, and because it’s a 97% match that’s been on my watch list for a while. The first scene with her blood explosion in a pool and giving birth poolside ruined my tacos for me -_-
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· 5 years ago
@aviva you need to stop worrying about offending me. It’s almost impossible to do.
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Yes you’re absolutely right. I don’t know if I can go through another failed relationship. I’ve only been through 2, and I know people who have dozens of painful breakups before they find happiness, but that’s them, and this is me. If often feel like I’m emotionally weak for it, but I don’t hold it against myself. This is how I am. Emotionality is very hard for me, and when I do “open up” I become extremely vulnerable. It’s incredibly uncomfortable, but I can’t say the good times during those relationships weren’t good.
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Frankly however, fully aware of the risk of entering another relationship, and potential damage it could do to my life should it fail, yes, I’m not sure it’s worth it. And I’m quite trepidatious to try.
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· 5 years ago
@Aviva I don’t know about people opening us up and guiding us to happiness though. I didn’t NEED to go through this, and neither do others. We could just be very lucky, and find the right person the first time around and never go through any of this. It’s unlikely, but I just don’t agree that pain and failure is part of the path to success. It often is but it doesn’t have to be.
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I would reiterate however. I find the talent pool in my city to be quite wanting. Most young people, male or female are generally unambitious. The women who are ambitious - who I’m often attracted to are overly cutthroat, and literally dangerous to enter a relationship with. And the type of girl who I’m most attracted to - on both occasions - have proactively tried to restrain the aggressive and predatory nature in me that makes me good at what I do. I hear often about the perfect girls my friends meet, who help them nurture that drive and help them towards their goals, but perhaps I’ve just been unlucky.
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· 5 years ago
@aviva Anyway. I think it’s time to stop talking about this. It seems a moot point. I am open to happiness, and to letting both an individual, and people in general back into my life.. but not now. Not unless they’re dazzlingly, outstandingly spectacular- and to be clear I’m not just referring to appearance.
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I started working with my new boss this weekend. He and I are absolutely in sync. He’s going to push me harder than ever before to help me succeed, and mentor me along the way. I can’t wait. I was already working heard and I just committed to another 20 hours a week, on top of everything else. And I’m so excited.
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I’m going to focus on that for now, and I think I’m the interim the other things will fall into place by themselves.
@shikharizard lmao oml. I guess that's karma for you trying to corrupt aviva-- you ended up corrupted yourself x) humor aside that is a fairly intense scene. I assume the reason is to grab your attention-- and it works. Most of the rest of the show isn't quite so extreme.
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I won't comment on your draw to the show being auto-erotic asphyxiation. I will warn, however, that it's the focus of only one fairly short part of a scene, and that it is a guy. <.<
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As for what you said with Netflix (and TV shows in general) that's largely my experience. Though with movies I tend to watch as far as possible and then go back later if I don't finish. I also hate when series drone on for like 12 seasons. I like knowing there's going to be an end because otherwise you end up dredging through endless filler episodes and worse and worse content and it's just not worthwhile to me
Also I didn't read all of those other messages between you two, but congratulations on having a new boss you're excited about haha. That's a rare thing indeed
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· 5 years ago
@Xvarnah Haha, you really are a rambler. No, I don't think it was Karma- that's your age thing. That'll drive me crazy forever, but I'm conclusively convinced your 27-29. More than that I will never know.
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And no, not a fan personally. The show itself was just a 97% match accordingly to Netflixes' creepy good algorithms, and someone had vaguely mentioned it here. That's more than I can say for other shows- but I am eagerly waiting GoT. It and Peaky Blinders are literally the only shows I've watched all the seasons and episodes of.
Guilty as charged. Haha I'm not sure why it drives you crazy. At least you know I'm not 40?
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It's a unique little show, I'll give it that much. Apparently the concept was by one of the guys from MCR. Sadly I don't have HBO so I'll likely be missing out on GoT's next season. I watched the first season of pesky blinders, but kind of lost interest in the second season. There's been a few series I've enjoyed (some because they're good, others that I know are shit but somehow like anyway), but it's not a very expansive list. Probably broader than yours, however x) whatever will you do when GoT is over?
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· 5 years ago
@Xvarnah it drives me crazy because with everyone else I can vaguely imagine them based on age and persona. That's realistically all we have to go on. With you, there's a faceless seat at the table.
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Peaky Blinders is incredible. Its gokd entertainment, but I relate to Thomas so much.. like he's me. I guess that's why I enjoy it. And l barely watch anything anyway. I'll miss GoT after it's gone, but I don't think I'll have trouble filling the hours.
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Amazons LOTR series is coming, so that should help fill the void.
I just realized I didn't respond to this. Haha I wonder if it says something about me that I kind of just take everyone at face value and just let their words on here dictate my perception of them until they give me any info to dictate otherwise
I may have to rewatch Peaky Blinders. The first season was good. I don't remember it much, just the vague happenings of like Tommy and their little gang and the blonde lady who had a sort of romance with him
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I don't know whether to feel more apprehensive there's a lotr series or not haha
@shikharizard and @aviva, thanks for sharing, it's nice to learn more about you. I'm sorry for what happened in your pasts, yet I'm glad for the person it made you (that we know), if that makes sense. Your viewpoints are quite positive considering your pasts, and it gives me hope that although things are shitty, the way we tackle it can hugely impact the effect it has on us.
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Sorry I took so long to reply, haven't really had time to sit down and properly reply yet.
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· 5 years ago
@Xvarnah you should rewatch it. Epic series. The gang, the violence, the storyline is a lot of fun, but it's just filler. The real plot is their personal lives, romances, politics, etc.
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But yeah.. Tommy is me. Maybe why I relate to the show. And de, we like your ramblings.
@shikharizard I may well do that haha. I did enjoy the first season. Tbh Tommy was the most interesting character.. Which makes sense since he's the main character, but that doesn't Also is this your way of telling us you secretly head an Irish mafia? Because if it's not I'm already disappointed
@Xvarnah I forgot to respond, sorry. And no, not yet, but I’m working my way up to head gangster. Sorry to disappoint.
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I just want to be able to charm dogs, wear a tailored silk suit every day and breathe Irish whiskey. Unfortunately part and parcel is his isolationism.
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I was going to say something else, but it would spoil the show for you so I’ll wait. Enjoy. It really is a masterpiece
It's alright haha. People get busy and such. I'm sure there's more than a few comments I've forgotten to respond to
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But have you perfected your Irish accent yet? The accent is key, you see
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Well, idk about the suits and the whiskey, but a pocket full of treats along with some belly rubs is usually enough to charm most dogs I've met
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Now I wonder what you'd have said
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But disclaimer- I tend to beat myself up a little extra. Most people aren’t as hard on themselves, can move past things a little easier, and have more people to share the burden with.. so it doesn’t have to be all bad.
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I’m just caught in the perfect storm
@shikharizard I see this as: You‘ve locked yourself in a cage and left the key in the lock(that‘s on your side of the cage), and when we try to put our hands through to open it, you smack them with a whip.
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I don't know how to ask for, or accept help Aviva. I've never had it, so I just figured out how to do everything on my own. Seriously- the ex that I go on about tried to help me with this, but I inadvertently micromanaged my life and made it almost impossible for her. I didn't do it on purpose, I wanted HER help, specifically hers, she took the time to get past all my defensiveness and my barriers, but even then I found it so hard to accept help.
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It's really hard to explain. Yes, I've locked myself in a cage, and yes i'm the only one with a key, but.. imagine that the lock is rusted. Really, really, REALLY rusted. It's almost more effort than it's worth to turn the key, with no guarantee that things will be better if I do.
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I must confess that I suck at asking for help. It fear I might bother someone, or they may not want to help me. I can‘t say that I‘ve been in your situation but I know you feel incapacitated. Sometimes the people we expect to help us, can‘t really go all the way and you can‘t beat yourself up for it. It‘s not your fault. Who you are now isn‘t your fault. The people that helped me most were people I never expected. I won‘t say you‘re broken because you‘re still working(maybe not all the way YET, but you‘re slowly getting there). Using your own words against you, life is too short to be locked up in a cage because you‘re afraid of what‘s outside it. I‘ve been caged mentally and physically and it‘s not a fun place to be. No matter how you try to make it comfortable, it can never be. You‘re not meant to remain in it.
And it depends on your definition of safety. Safety is usually seen as the condition of being/feeling protected from harm. Your cage doesn‘t seem so safe because it‘s wearing you away and making you live so much less. The hurt you inflict on yourself can be tons more damaging than the hurt others inflict on you. And if you were truly safe, you‘d be happy, let your guard down, and you wouldn‘t have so many walls around you.
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I'm not ignoring what you said, I just can't process, and respond to all of it now. I will when I'm ready.
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And that‘s ok. Same happens to me. I owe jasonmon and xvarnah a response, and I still haven‘t collected my thoughts to respond yet.
*cricket sounds*
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"My cage" and your cage are very different things Aviva. I don't actually know much of your story and your past, except that it was difficult- and by the sounds of it, very difficult. I have tremendous respect for someone your age showing such maturity, I can shamelessly say that at 17 I was not that far past the trauma of my childhood, because I was still in it. I didn't get a clear break until 19, and even then, not a full disconnection.
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My cage, is nothing more or less than emotional isolation Aviva. I've been one state of isolation or another since I was 8. But it set in for real at 16, and hit its absolute "worst" at 20.
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Then I met my 1st gf. And she opened me up, and made me an emotional little bitch. It's a can of worms I've been trying to close for the last 6 years.
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We broke up after 18 months, and I had a 2nd episode of performing at the highest level. I achieved more in those 3 years than I have in the rest of my life combined.
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Then I met my 2nd gf. That time, I fell in love for real. The last thing she ever told me (at my request, so I won't pretend she's a bad person for it) was that she never loved me. That she left me, because during the time we were together, she never fell in love with me.
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The simple fact is, I'm an extremely self-aware person. I'm sure you can relate- after you spend that much time alone with yourself, you learn yourself well. I'm NOT opposed or closed off to the idea of experiencing love, or a relationship again. I can just say that my subconscious defenses are now at such high alert, I don't anticipate that it would feasibly happen again.
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I never lie, or misrepresent myself to the girls that I try and hook-up with casually. But even when I find myself liking them subconsciously, at a personal level, my defenses kick in and wipe those emotions clean. And I have no intention of stopping that. If and when my mind feels at ease enough to take that risk again, it will.
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With my ex, I went from being a workaholic maniac, to prioritizing time with her. I would leave the office 3-4 days a week at 9PM so I could leave 1 day at 3PM and spend the afternoon with her. No regrets, best decision ever, I enjoyed every second with her. But she's gone, my heart is in a state of disrepair, and in the aftermath, my defenses are back up and higher than ever.
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And I feel it's incredibly dishonest to be with someone, and waste their time and deliberately hurt them. She was falling for me, very quickly. She was devoted, and very loving. If I had let that continue I would've hurt her really badly- and some selfish part of me wanted to. But retrospectively, I'm glad I made the right decision.
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All of that takes money, money takes time and hard work, and as hyper-competitive, hyper-aggressive salesperson, I derive tremendous satisfaction and pride from my work. So, for now, I'm dedicated to that, while I make "my cage" comfy and cozy.
@Catfluff I‘ll respond to you too.
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That aside-- I will read it but not right this moment. This looks important and I don't have Time to properly read through it all right this second. I'll look at it a bit later in the day when I have time to actually devote all my attention to it (and if I Don't respond feel free to chase me around with a club)
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I'd liken it more to a fortress, honestly. And I could be way off base. But to me it sounds like you've spent all this time constructing this thing- the turrets and towers are all the right height, the walls are aligned just the way you want them, you've got a good view of your enemy should they come your way. You're alone, but you're productive and your safe.
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Could you leave the fortress if you wanted to? Yes. But why? To what end? If there's nothing of comparable value, why would you abandon this structure you've built that's served you well and that you KNOW you can get use out of?
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Tbh I have no idea if I'm like you in any way or not but I will admit openly that I am EXTREMELY particular about who I let into my life. Especially romantically.
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Your reasons may be slightly different, but I don't personally see anything wrong with being that way
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Based on what you've said your parents weren't exactly fountains of emotion and warmth when you were growing up, and as much as this will probably sound like psychoanalysis it wouldn't seem too far a stretch to believe you'd have some issues with emotional connection and such.
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I do think that, when it comes to your ex girlfriend, you may have bonded with her to such a degree that you feel like no one will ever compare, but I feel I should mention that if you define her as perfect, the gold-standard, and incomparable, then you are likely are sabatoging some of the future girls you'll meet before they get a chance. You often don't get to know someone on any kind of level until you've spent months, or better year a year with them.
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At this point I'm rambling, but hopefully some of that came out coherent.
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Tbh I don't think that you should even be worrying about stepping outside of your fortress right now.
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"'She said 'if we're going to make this work
You've got to let me inside, even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said 'like it or not, it's the way it's gotta be.
You've got to love yourself if you could ever love me.'"
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The last line in particular I think might apply to your situation. It's very difficult to have a healthy relationship if you are constantly disappointed in yourself and such. Some people can find self-worth through somebody else, but it sounds to me a bit like you have trouble coping with your emotions at times.
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Tbh I'm not sure what incited this entire conversation. You sound very reluctant to have opened up and it makes me a little uncomfortable to think you might have been doing so without really wanting to.
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Admittedly I've already said a lot but I kind of want to leave it here for now and give you a chance to tell me if I'm way off base, on the right track, or "this was a mistake fuck off out of here."
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Again, we've discussed differences between us, and I'm certain that if we had the context and information of acquaintance we'd find more, but I would imagine we're extremely alike. I am just as careful with who I let into my life, because for me, a real relationship has to be genuine. I can adequately vet my potential partner, but I have an obligation to be engaged as well. Right now, I'm simply not... and I tried to force it with the aforementioned young lady- which showed me just how far I am from doing that.
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I anticipate being alone for a good long time, and objectively speaking, that's sad. I do get lonely. But that's my life, and I accept it.
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Lol and @Aviva incited this therapy session. Gosh-darned, insistent young whippersnappers. But no, all said, I would not have shared if I really didn't want to. I don't enjoy talking about this, but I definitely 'can'.
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But yeah, just to clarify I wasn't trying to say I think there's anything wrong with how you handle or approach your relationships. I was just trying to say you may have to check your expectations a bit if you're constantly comparing to your old girlfriend and find you're struggling. I wasn't trying to say lower your bar but also don't whack people over the head with it when they try and take a shot at it if that makes sense. Unless they kicked your puppy or something. Then definitely whack them with it.
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Still all your reactions seem very normal given your circumstances and personality to me. Just to assuage @aviva 's concerns-- it's not that Shuki CAN'T get close to people, it just takes an extremely particular type of person for him to decide it's worth the effort or risk.
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I'm not saying people shouldn't try and find love, but when people put so much pressure on it it can make them dejected and neurotic.
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I've never personally felt much of a drive to find someone to be with. I enjoy it when it happens, but I don't feel any desire to force it.
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I think you kind of have a similar perspective, @shikiharizard in that you want a relationship, but only if it's REAL. Someone who fits you and you two can devote yourselves to each other. You're all in, or you're all out. There's no room for anything else, and it would be a waste of both of your time to pretend otherwise
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I think maybe we all have to take a step back here because first shik felt attacked and now you're saying you do and I think we're all just trying to have a conversation about a very heavy topic
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Please accept my apologies if you felt hurt. That was not the intention.
@xvarnah Hmmmm
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And batto is because you called her Batman. Doggo, catto, batto..
I was referring to this one, where a cat's life is cleary in danger...
:P At least I was able to bug you enough to answer me. I understand why you don‘t want to talk about stuff like this.
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Our “cages“ may be different, but reading a more detailed explanation of what happened makes your “cage“ seem more like a defined territory that gives you comfort and protects you from external harm. I have my own defined territory but I sometimes tend to step out to see the world outside incase I missed something. I‘ll tell a more detailed story about what happened to me after this marathon. I believe what matters is that we both survived our stories and are much better now...
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A lot of things we do are not healthy. But since we‘ve been doing them over a reasonable period of time and we feel comfortable, it‘s difficult letting go of them because now they‘ve fused to or attached themselves to us. I understand why you feel like a machine too...
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Sometimes the trauma kicks back in and makes me numb, but bit by bit, I‘m healing. At least I‘m not as big of a mess as I was when I got out of my dad‘s house in middle 2017. It‘s awesome that you‘re building yourself. You‘ve put a lot of effort into it. But...
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No one is saying you should put anyone above your ambitions. If you find a positively ambitious woman, she won‘t let you do that. Above all, you deserve to be happy, and you and I both know you aren‘t...
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Gosh, I‘ve said so much already! Forgive me. Also, I doubt anyone really understands ne either(I could be wrong). But you know you more than anyone knows you. If someone really cares about you, they‘ll want to understand you. But you‘ve gotta give them the chance to. As far as women haven‘t gone extinct, you‘ll meet the Lady haha.
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If you‘ve ever doubted you made the wrong decision about letting her go, I believe you made the right decision/call. Human beings are very unique and very different. You can‘t find another @Xvarnah anywhere else. We wake up from our daydreams and fantasies. It‘s great to be wealthy, and it‘s greater to be wealthy and happy...
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This is the last one. I need to take a shower and clean before my aunt thinks I‘ve been lazy today. That took much longer than I expected. I hope you, @Catfluff, and @Xvarnah have a great day. I‘ll type out the back story when I‘m done writing it down.
END
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@Xvarnah on a side note, when it comes to Netflix, I typically don’t watch anything for more then 15-20 mins in a sitting. So I usually choose movies that I can work through over a week, and often ones I’ve already seen and liked.
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Today I chose to start the umbrella academy because of your mention of auto-erotic asphyxiation, and because it’s a 97% match that’s been on my watch list for a while. The first scene with her blood explosion in a pool and giving birth poolside ruined my tacos for me -_-
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Yes you’re absolutely right. I don’t know if I can go through another failed relationship. I’ve only been through 2, and I know people who have dozens of painful breakups before they find happiness, but that’s them, and this is me. If often feel like I’m emotionally weak for it, but I don’t hold it against myself. This is how I am. Emotionality is very hard for me, and when I do “open up” I become extremely vulnerable. It’s incredibly uncomfortable, but I can’t say the good times during those relationships weren’t good.
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Frankly however, fully aware of the risk of entering another relationship, and potential damage it could do to my life should it fail, yes, I’m not sure it’s worth it. And I’m quite trepidatious to try.
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I would reiterate however. I find the talent pool in my city to be quite wanting. Most young people, male or female are generally unambitious. The women who are ambitious - who I’m often attracted to are overly cutthroat, and literally dangerous to enter a relationship with. And the type of girl who I’m most attracted to - on both occasions - have proactively tried to restrain the aggressive and predatory nature in me that makes me good at what I do. I hear often about the perfect girls my friends meet, who help them nurture that drive and help them towards their goals, but perhaps I’ve just been unlucky.
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I started working with my new boss this weekend. He and I are absolutely in sync. He’s going to push me harder than ever before to help me succeed, and mentor me along the way. I can’t wait. I was already working heard and I just committed to another 20 hours a week, on top of everything else. And I’m so excited.
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I’m going to focus on that for now, and I think I’m the interim the other things will fall into place by themselves.
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I won't comment on your draw to the show being auto-erotic asphyxiation. I will warn, however, that it's the focus of only one fairly short part of a scene, and that it is a guy. <.<
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As for what you said with Netflix (and TV shows in general) that's largely my experience. Though with movies I tend to watch as far as possible and then go back later if I don't finish. I also hate when series drone on for like 12 seasons. I like knowing there's going to be an end because otherwise you end up dredging through endless filler episodes and worse and worse content and it's just not worthwhile to me
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And no, not a fan personally. The show itself was just a 97% match accordingly to Netflixes' creepy good algorithms, and someone had vaguely mentioned it here. That's more than I can say for other shows- but I am eagerly waiting GoT. It and Peaky Blinders are literally the only shows I've watched all the seasons and episodes of.
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It's a unique little show, I'll give it that much. Apparently the concept was by one of the guys from MCR. Sadly I don't have HBO so I'll likely be missing out on GoT's next season. I watched the first season of pesky blinders, but kind of lost interest in the second season. There's been a few series I've enjoyed (some because they're good, others that I know are shit but somehow like anyway), but it's not a very expansive list. Probably broader than yours, however x) whatever will you do when GoT is over?
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Peaky Blinders is incredible. Its gokd entertainment, but I relate to Thomas so much.. like he's me. I guess that's why I enjoy it. And l barely watch anything anyway. I'll miss GoT after it's gone, but I don't think I'll have trouble filling the hours.
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Amazons LOTR series is coming, so that should help fill the void.
And I respect that you do not want to talk about it anymore. Thanks for sharing anyway :)
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I don't know whether to feel more apprehensive there's a lotr series or not haha
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Sorry I took so long to reply, haven't really had time to sit down and properly reply yet.
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But yeah.. Tommy is me. Maybe why I relate to the show. And de, we like your ramblings.
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I just want to be able to charm dogs, wear a tailored silk suit every day and breathe Irish whiskey. Unfortunately part and parcel is his isolationism.
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I was going to say something else, but it would spoil the show for you so I’ll wait. Enjoy. It really is a masterpiece
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But have you perfected your Irish accent yet? The accent is key, you see
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Well, idk about the suits and the whiskey, but a pocket full of treats along with some belly rubs is usually enough to charm most dogs I've met
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Now I wonder what you'd have said