The toast is a lie

So (just my take), don’t tell her “I like burnt toast” or “oh no, this is perfect...” or any other thing that isn’t true. When she apologizes for burning the toast, tell her it’s ok. Tell her there’s nothing to be sorry about, she’s made a wonderful meal, and then mention some things like how fluffy the eggs are. Maybe tell a tiny lie like: “well, normally I don’t like burnt toast, but for some reason this is really hitting the spot. Thank you..” I mean- the truth is you don’t like burnt toast. The truth is you probably don’t like this toast. But after a long day and seeing her hard work, the kindness of the gesture is what “hits the spot” so you didn’t lie and you didn’t set up false expectations.

There are many ways to be genuinely gracious, even when a situation or item isn’t to your tastes. It takes a little effort. It’s a very easy thing to just say whatever you think a person wants to hear, the care and effort of coming to an honest kind thing to say shows that you care more than just to placate them. And setting false expectations doesn’t just potentially mean that you’ll keep getting things you don’t like, and it isn’t only a problem if they figure out you weren’t being honest. The other hurt you cause is that going forward, when they try to do kind things for you or give gifts, they’ll be giving things that don’t genuinely make you happy in the way they want. They are wasting effort and resources. They are giving to make you happy, something that doesn’t make you happy; and you are taking to make them happy, something that doesn’t make you happy.

You’re both martyrs. It’s the thought that counts- but the effort to give a gift someone doesn’t want, and the effort to genuinely receive a gift you don’t want, so that everyone can be happy with the thought- who does that benefit? Especially when it’s usually the same amount of effort and such to make it something that the person really wants and can be genuinely happy to receive and not just at the thought? Won’t everyone be MORE happy if the thought is there but also a result?

So (my advice) is be kind, be gentle, be appreciative of the effort another shows. Be gracious and well mannered. Be genuine and sincere though. Don’t set you and them up for potential problems and hurt and such, don’t cause misalignments of expectations, by just lazily tossing out what you think a person wants to hear. If you REALLY appreciate the gesture, you can find a kind thing to say that you actually mean.

Think of the scenario where this woman puts extra time and attention in to making her husbands toast burnt, maybe for 20,30+ years. The whole whole she’s feeling good about it, thinking she’s making him happy. And he’s choking it down the whole time reminding himself she cares. Those days she doesn’t burn the toast or isn’t able to, she feels bad that she “messed up his food” and those days he’s sitting there happy hoping she’ll do it again next time. That sounds unhealthy to start. But imagine if she finds out down the line that he hated her toast but loved that she made it for him. Part of that is sweet, but part of it sorta makes you feel like damn. What a waste. You can be both kind and honest. You just have to put more effort into it.