Oh wow it's almost like my ability to do executive functions, yknow the ones society deems most important, is physically impaired due to my brain wiring!
Mixed feelings. I speak as a person with my own physical and other atypicalness and just on my experience and opinions.
Most people really don’t care. If the mail carrier makes a mistake or doesn’t do their job and your papers don’t make it on time and your rent isn’t paid or your water gets shut off or you miss the filing date for your custody case or whatever else- does the reason they didn’t deliver or change anything for you?
The ocean doesn’t care about your divergences. It drowns quadriplegics and babies and everyone else the same. A man without arms or legs needs different strategies to stay afloat than one with arms and legs, that’s just how it is for each of them as they are.
If you are responsible not just for keeping yourself afloat but someone else is relying on you to stay above water, all the understanding in the world doesn’t change much if you both sink to the bottom.
Thy said- modern life for most is rarely so life or death, and ALL people have limits. We ALL reach a point or face a challenge, physical, mental, emotional, that we just can’t overcome. We all struggle from time to time with our responsibilities and life. That is an understanding that we should all be able to extend to others while realizing that in different areas others limits are not the same as our own. Not everyone can “push though” the things we can. Imagine if every person was judged off the abilities of the “top” people in that category? If every 18 year old minimum wage worker was expected to expend the effort and posses the knowledge and skill and drive and judgment of a 46 year old senior engineer that designed the computer they are selling? That isn’t reasonable is it?
I was taught to find my limits, always try to push them, but acknowledge them. To not gamble on my ability to exceed what I can reasonably expect of myself when others are relying on my results or the outcome is critical and I have the choice not to gamble.
I was taught to let others know what I cannot do, to set expectations and work to exceed them but to not overpromise or leave others to their assumptions which are usually based on what to expect from a typical person. I was also taught to keep it to myself. Because no one really cares. That while you want to disclose to others who rely on you where your limits are, you also aren’t special just because you are “different.” There is no way for someone else to know if I am unable to do something because of how I am or if I am using how am I to excuse myself from failure or something I don’t want to do. It doesn’t really matter. People will believe what they want on the matter anyway and everyone makes mistakes or can be lazy or…
.. have a bad day so the why is only important in certain cases. I was taught that there are places and times to show your cards and places and times to hold back.
There are times we get angry and no matter how angry we are it is important to not show it. We can be as angry as we want inside. We can save it up and vent it out later, but in that moment what we need to do is finish what we came to do and if anger will hurt the chances of that, you don’t have time for it. If you are in pain and can barely stand but in that moment you need to appear strong, you either control the pain until you are in a safe space to let it out or you fail. The greater the consequences the more important it is to keep your shit together or do everything you can to appear to keep your shit together.
If I need to study for weeks before a big event and practice and have contingency plans and excuses so that when it is game time I have done everything I can to mitigate the chances of my divergences from causing issues to my intended goal- that’s what it takes. If I need to do all that to make sure that I have an “escape plan” that can get me to a safe place with a reasonable and discreet alibi because I can’t keep my shit together, so be it.
When able I’ll choose locations and schedules specifically based around the ability to discreetly cater to my needs and offer “emergency” contingency.
The truth is very few people are as organized or focussed or knowledgeable etc. as they seem. You don’t have to be. You just have to seem like you are. So much of life and especially business is about a persona or image. Few people if anyone will ever see the full and real you because even if you show them it bare- they’ll still have their own perceptions and biases that they will view you through. You only exist in your mind. A leader doesn’t have to be confident or even competent. They have to seem like they are and have good people or good prep or luck or some combination. You don’t have to succeed to be seen as someone who succeeds, if your name is associated with enough successes people will see you as someone who succeeds.
You can be the biggest flake in the world but if you are there for 3 different people the handful of times they desperately need someone- all three will say you are the most reliable person on earth. So if we cultivate our image as competent and capable and reliable, if and when we falter or the areas we have our weaknesses, they tend to get overlooked. No one really cares. Especially in business. You think no one knows about these scandals in the news? No one knows about the Epsteins and Weinstens and the Ken Lays etc? They just do business for decades and have no idea? Of course people know. It’s business. How much of a dirt bag you are has nothing to do with how much money you can make for someone if you deliver. So they pretend to not know or do everything they can to not think about it and pretend it doesn’t exist. And the same goes for the rest. Late for meetings? If you don’t hold up everyone else from doing work and yours is good- no one really cares usually.
If everyone else delivers $10k contracts on time and you deliver $50k one’s off schedule you’re probably fine. Steven Hawking did fine and if he had Tourette’s on top of everything else and anxiety do you think he’d be any less a legend in his field or sold less books? Of course most of us aren’t Steven Hawking and- no insults meant- not everyone is anywhere near being close. It is a bit of a fix to be in to bed mediocre or worse regardless of how typical one is, but being atypical and mediocre or worse is doubly hard I’m sure.
So the feelings I have are that yes- in a caring or developed society we need to be mindful of others particularities because the idea of typical, there isn’t really a good standard there, there are just people who are maybe closer to it than others, but a range of personalities and other things contribute to the fact that we all have differences and it isn’t as simple for anyone to say “just do this..” or “just push through…” Everyone has to their best to try of course- but when we are at the practical limits of what we can do or handle and the practical limits of managing that through strategy and preparation and tactics- everyone needs support. Everyone. So that’s what it is really about is supporting people. Giving grace and being there to support others.
Most people really don’t care. If the mail carrier makes a mistake or doesn’t do their job and your papers don’t make it on time and your rent isn’t paid or your water gets shut off or you miss the filing date for your custody case or whatever else- does the reason they didn’t deliver or change anything for you?
The ocean doesn’t care about your divergences. It drowns quadriplegics and babies and everyone else the same. A man without arms or legs needs different strategies to stay afloat than one with arms and legs, that’s just how it is for each of them as they are.
If you are responsible not just for keeping yourself afloat but someone else is relying on you to stay above water, all the understanding in the world doesn’t change much if you both sink to the bottom.
I was taught to let others know what I cannot do, to set expectations and work to exceed them but to not overpromise or leave others to their assumptions which are usually based on what to expect from a typical person. I was also taught to keep it to myself. Because no one really cares. That while you want to disclose to others who rely on you where your limits are, you also aren’t special just because you are “different.” There is no way for someone else to know if I am unable to do something because of how I am or if I am using how am I to excuse myself from failure or something I don’t want to do. It doesn’t really matter. People will believe what they want on the matter anyway and everyone makes mistakes or can be lazy or…
There are times we get angry and no matter how angry we are it is important to not show it. We can be as angry as we want inside. We can save it up and vent it out later, but in that moment what we need to do is finish what we came to do and if anger will hurt the chances of that, you don’t have time for it. If you are in pain and can barely stand but in that moment you need to appear strong, you either control the pain until you are in a safe space to let it out or you fail. The greater the consequences the more important it is to keep your shit together or do everything you can to appear to keep your shit together.
When able I’ll choose locations and schedules specifically based around the ability to discreetly cater to my needs and offer “emergency” contingency.