Ok people start training your birds
Best to keep at the least 4 to 10 birds depends if you are a heavy poster or commenter.

We always check if they are old lol

Holy shit they are real I want them lol

Why did she need to lay down is the question. It wasn’t night time as you can see. Was she having a bad reaction to a pill or air sickness?

Today my kid was talking about Halloween and I even brought it up asking my husband and her if they think anyone will be dressed as coronavirse for Halloween lol

I had this dog named Rolly who was part Schnauzer and part Pug. He was a Snug lol
One day we were all in my parents room my Dad was just laying across the bed and Rolly was laying next to me near my Dad. I was sitting on the edge.
For some reason my dead just learned over and well did what this idiot wants to do to the tiger. Rolly jumped off the bed dragged his butt on the ground and hoped back up looking around like WHAT THE FUCK BITE ME!!! He even checked himself.
Than finally payed back down. After we all calmed down from laughing my dad learned over and did it again.
This time my dog after dragging his ass all over the carpet he hops back on the bed looked my Dad dead and the eye and low growled as if to say LISTEN HERE FUCKER I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU DID BUT I KNOW YOU DID IT SO EITHER CUT IT OUT OR ITS YOUR BALLS THAT HURT NEXT!!!
He never did it again but after that my dog always found some way to put his ass on my dads foot. Lmfao

I can picture it now:
Wife who didn’t want the table in the first place waits patiently for Thursday the 12th says good night to hubby as if nothing is wrong. Waits till hubby is 100% asleep and it is almost time for him to wake up. She slowly creeps out of bed. Husband stirs a little, she pauses thinking “NONONONO go back to sleep!” He snores that loud snore he does usually right into her ear at night which makes this revenge taste sweeter. She slips past the door and closes it with a tiny heart stopping click. He still snores. She hurry’s to the table slowly pops it open pulling the dummy out and leaving the table a noticeable crack open. She drags the dummy over to the kitchen and begins to pour fake blood she got at party city. She pours it on her self and the floor. She lays down in it with the dummy on top of her. Now she waits.

I once left a dollar tip because the waiter went on break with out telling us or replacing himself so for a solid hour we waited for food. Only reason we waited was if we left we be charged for a no show. I gave him a dollar because after my kid took 1 bite of her food she spilled her drink on to her plate and they removed it and returned with a new one in less than 5 minutes. So 1 dollar lol
Normally if they are rlly good we tip 20%

Do not get me started I have had so many.
1 I had to go scream in my face at aold jail house.
2 saw a ghost in a yellow dress float by the bathroom while I was in it back when I could still see yellow lol.
3 The house that my brother rented and I lived in and saw the yellow dressed ghost him when he moved out the windows and doors were coded in blood that he did not put there
4 I saw that goes to my uncle and my dream was so real it had to be him
5 Saw the ghost of my grandfather dream as well
the list can go on

Let a little man dream

Dude you’re not going to fucking believe what happened today. I was going to target because we need trash bags and something told me to look underneath cash registers as I was leaving. See a target they have a small tray underneath the cash register where they put items that people go oh I don’t want this. So as I’m leaving I see at one of the cash registers not one but three packages of toilet paper. I very quietly scream in my head YES!!! Then I go to a worker and I asked them if the tray there is for returns and if I could buy something I saw that was in it. She said yeah you can what is it you want and I say to her very quietly I saw three packages of toilet paper can I get one because they only allow you to buy one now. Sure enough she shows me there is three and she lets me buy one. I tell her just something in me told me to look and I looked and I got TP!!!
I am like super excited about my find because we were almost down to using tortillas lmfao

Dude my Dad got Barbie and this guy beat.
Steel factory worker
Navy officer
EMT
Fireman
Fireman Chief
State Fire Marshal
Lead investigator on the Oklahoma City Bombing
Semi pro golfer
Scuba instructor
CSI Scuba Diver
Prison Guard
Police officer
Truck Driver
Police Dispatcher
And honestly he had so many diplomas we still not sure what else he was. He loved to learn and he just go after one after another. They were like Pokémon to him lol.

My husband and I both play the Mario karts together we always let him go in first place and I keep him clear of the other players. This is all just to get 3 stars and gold trophies. After that it is free for all.
But here is the thing he always says how come some races you end up in like 6 or 7 th place and than he giggles like the little fat shit he is. I tell him listen here you little shit. You are in first place. Those fucking NPCs are like babies to you because they are trying to catch up to you but they see me as lamb to slaughter. They not only catch up to me but repeatedly kick my ass I get hit with every red shell every blue that hits you zoomed past me knocking me to the curb they become deadly snippets with every bomb and green shell. You just get the damn trophy and be grateful I helped your ass. Than I clock him on the knee with the butt of the controller for bearing choking to death from laughing at my rant.

Weird little thing happen to me when I was about 5.
I noticed after I would eat a little while later my belly button would ooze some kind of foul smelling oily watery stuff. I didn’t know what it was but just wiped it away and go about my day. Eventually my grandmother who lived with us noticed all my shirts had a weird crusty stain on the middle bottom front right where my belly button is. She asked to see my belly button and I showed her she said it looks fine but than I said that’s because I cleaned it. But after I eat it oozes. She made me eat and sure enough it oozed. She took me to my parents who than took me to my doctor.
Turns out my belly button got Infected at some point and I scratched at it to the point I tore a small hole into my stomach area. I was oozing stomach content.
Apparently that can happen.

It looks like he is about to flip it like you flip a coin.
Lmfao he is going to flip the bird lmfao my husband just told me I am a dumb ass

Hurrrrghhhh I think I just barfed a little in my mouth

Ok so yes I admit this is 100% me lmfao
So when my husband and me was first dating every time we see each other I put on make up and look nice. When we moved in together even every day look nice. After we got married it kind of dwindled down to no makeup and baggy comfy clothes. But minute we go to town I dress back up again.
He asked me once why don’t you look this good when we are at home?
I said well
1 It cost money to look good all the time.
2 Do you want it to look like you are married to a hobo or to a woman who takes care of not only herself but this family?
3 Don’t you want me to be able to relax and be myself around you when we are home or do you want me to put on a Stepford wife smile and have a lacy apron on as I bake cookies in make up, heels, and pearls?
4 I already got you. You are mine you are stuck with me till the end of time. I don’t need to put honey on the trap anymore. Now the honey is used to show others that passed on the trap what they are missing.

Lmfao tortillas for TP that is brilliant lol I have a fuck load of those lol
But I just can’t do it because after every time my husband would use it he will ask “Anyone want a shit taco??!”

Last year when I took my daughter to Disneyland I took her to the magic shop. If you ask nicely they show you magic tricks.
The first trick the guy shows her is a trick we’re the numbers and such disappear from the cards and reappear. He had her pick a card told her not to look and said I bet that is the card you are thinking of. He said name a suit she said heart. He said name a number or a face card she said queen. He said that’s tough but I think you got it. Look at your card. IT WAS A QUEEN OF HEARTS!!! She placed the card on the counter put her hands up like she was being placed under arrest than placed her hands on over her heart and said ok you are a witch. Lmmfao
He said not the first time I been called it lol

I FEEL THIS IS A PERSONAL ATTACK!!!
I can’t see yellow anymore.
Yellow appears either:
Orange
Green
or White
Lol I seriously hope it is orange though it almost looks brown to me it is so dark.

There needs to be a list
Jobs you can have no one knew existed

I grew up calling it silverware even if it is plastic lol