Good on these men, there is SO MUCH STIGMA AROUND MEN NOT BEING RAPE VICTIMS, ALWAYS THE AGGRESSOR. If we can eliminate that stigma, we would be in a better position as a society, same with domestic abuse but that’s a different topic for a different time.
Apparently there's a website called 1in6.org specifically for men who have lived through things like this. It has FAQ, stories from other survivors, and confidential chat options. They also have a partner website, rainn.org
Not all survivors may be ready to talk about their experiences, but hopefully they can take some comfort in knowing that, if they ever are, there are resources for them. And people finally willing to listen.
I'd have to call an exception to child rapists. Line the boys in Orange up down the hall. But I mean that happens any way. They don't have a very long life span in prision.
While I get that may seem right when you stand on the outside, inside is a little different. While most child rapists feel nothing about what they did, that comes with the territory. Rape is a crime of consentless sexual activity, escentially using a person as an object against their free will.
Very true. Life in solitary confinement will do. Let them go batshit crazy, alone, with their own thoughts. They won't ever feel guilty about it. But solitary confinement has to be worse than death.
And yet there are no male help shelters, no male rape crisis lines, and no male rights activist meetings. This discussion isnt happening because feminazis are so dillusional they still believe this is fighting the patriarchy, and that men are still privileged monster who want nothing more to hurt women.
Please seek help: At least in the U.S. almost all services can aid people of any gender, and I personally know of several explicitly targeted towards non-females. Know that you are loved and that there are people out there to help you. Google your nearest shelter or hotline, and even if they are primarily geared towards women they will connect you with resources to fit your situation/gender. You are not alone.
I feel like you're oversimplifying a very difficult issue with the typical "blame the feminazis" perspective. And god knows they've offered their contributions. But I guarantee a lot of these victims have gone to men for help-- their fathers, their friends. And they've been laughed at. They've been pressured to consider themselves lucky because "who cares, you got laid, right?" Not to mention the "was she hot?" Scenario where you'll get no sympathy if it's a girl commiting the crime that other men would gladly have sex with willingly. And then there's the simple shame factor of being labelled weak, being labelled a (idk if this word is allowed here. It starts with F and could mean a gay person or a pile of sticks depending where you're from). People take the attitude of "all men WANT sex, all the time, therefore they can't be victims from a female rapist."
And let's not forget the whole "did you get hard? Did you orgasm? So you must have wanted it, then." Argument. (Continued)
Which is the same bullshit Logic as "why didn't you just keep your legs closed?" "Well, if you got wet you must have enjoyed it."
I've read accounts of male rape victims being shamed off of survivor help websites by women for trying to "steal the attention from REAL victims." Men being told that, since they didn't want to fight and risk hurting someone they considered much weaker physically than them, after being told all their lives never to hit women, that that constitutes the same as them giving consent to be held down on a bed and assaulted. A teen being drugged and raped by a male he trusted. He went to his father, and his father told him to never bring it up again. To anyone.
And let's not even get started on how rape in the prison system is treated.
This along with people I have personally talked to. It starts innocently enough, usually a party or something, alcohol is often involved. And then suddenly the guys will tell me about waking up with someone (cont)
They don't know on top of them, or waking up with someone in their bed, taking off their clothes. A fully sober person. It's not "drunk sex." If one party is incapable of, or not in a sound mind to give consent, it's rape. Gender does not matter.
And the truly awful thing is, they almost always shrug it off and change the subject. Even when it's clear they weren't comfortable with what happened. They don't want to talk about it. And if it truly doesn't bother them that's one thing. But often enough it isn't even that. Often they're keeping quiet because there's such a prevalent rape culture where they KNOW they won't be heard, so why bother.
All of it is just a horrifying fucking nightmare society has decided to accept. All of society. And, at this point, it doesn't even matter whose the MOST to blame. When there's so many suffering every day, all around us, there's enough blame to go around. We have to find a way to change it. posts like this are as good a place to start as any.
Side note: this is in no way meant to be a defence of ANY woman, feminazi or not, that tells any rape victim that they're less important than the others, or that their rape didn't *count.* Or men who do the same. Or people who claim to be victims when they aren't. You are all horrible, gutless, vile creatures, and if there isn't a special circle in hell reserved just for you, I strongly suggest we start building one.
I don't think I came across as supportive of these people, but this is the Internet, and in this case I want to be absolutely clear I'm not standing anywhere near those depraved wretched individuals who hurt so many.
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sorry this is all so long. One day I'll figure out how to better contain my opinions to less real estate
I mean no one can really live with themselves because of the fear that comes with the. Territory and the “all men are horndogs” stigma. It’s not easy admitting to being raped, whether you are male or female
Yes I agree. I've had my fair share of, well, let's say 'encounters'. I've been in and out of therapy for years, on antidepressants, in and out of hospital and sometimes I just get so out of it I shut down. Sometimes I can't feel anything at all except overwhelming emptiness, so that's when I began starving myself. But down worry, things s l o w l y began to get better. My meds are working amazingly. My family is supportive. I came out to them, although I am still in the closet with 90% of people I know. I rarely have suicidal thoughts. I barely self harm anymore. Things are looking up, and I am so glad. It's so crazy what one person's actions can do to your psyche. Well, actually, multiple people. But you know what I mean. Thank you @parisqeen for helping me see the light. Peace and love, FunSubsters <3
I'm confused by the ones that say girl...
Other than that, this is so disturbing. I'm glad women are being more vocal but there is still stigma in this subject with men.
There are instances where rapists have been known to treat their victims as if they were another gender. Its not so far removed in practice from calling someone a "pussy" or saying "Stop being such a girl,"-- though those are used as *taunts," which is where the similarities end. It emasculates the victim, strips their identity and rights further, dehumanizes them, and helps add another layer of control for the assailant to mold them into something subservient and desirable.
I'm sure there's a clinical term for it or a more in depth explanation, but the gist is the rapist was calling and treating the boy as a girl to help fuel their own sick fantasies.
When my friend's dad raped me, he called me by his son's name. Decades later I am still puzzled. I suppose he was wishing I was his son, but didn't want to inflict that psychological damage on him. Not that it mattered. He was sleeping next to us. Anyway, do you know why? Thank you
Like @xvarnah said, it’s an act of demascunalization, but it’s depersonalization. They are wanting to treat you like an object that exists for you to get them off. They are wanting to escentially treat you like a human flesh light, it eases there guilt because you are less of a person to them. Just my take on it.
@sunflowers I'm going to get to my (very very long winded answer) in a moment, but I just wanted to say that I think it's absolutely fucking amazing that you're here, and beyond fucking amazing that you survived all that you've been through. And I mean that with every fibre of my being. It sounds like there's so many points in your life you could have just let all that darkness consume you, but you didn't. You're here. That doesn't sound like much when you put it into two little words in a chat box, but everything behind it, everything you've done. I'm not sure I would have survived half of it. And it's not like you need validation from me, or that it's even my place to say anything. Feel absolutely free to ignore this.
You're right that all the things people do can rip someone's world right open. But I imagine that even by you just talking about what you went through, and all of us talking about this in general, someone out there-- someone who may never even say a word-- will see it, and maybe it will give them just that little bit of hope they need to get through one more day. And while that won't make anything anyone has suffered worth it, maybe it will help, even just a little, towards making it right. Or at least livable.
@sunflowers
at this point I have to point out that I am in no way a psychologist at all. So I can't give you 100% clinical information. All I can offer is my opinion based on what I've seen/learned over the years. if anyone has better information/alternative opinions/etc then, please, speak up.
I also want to apologize ahead of time for the length of this, and also if anything I say is upsetting in any way. Its a difficult subject and it's almost impossible to put any of this delicately. I'm sure you've heard worse, and clearly you're one of the strongest people on this corner of the Internet, but I'm trying to answer your question as thoroughly as I can, and I have a tendency to talk like a text book sometimes, so just in case.
@sunflower
i do think that what you have said is more or less accurate. I have to add that I don't know the family situation involved with the rapist. What I mean by this is, I don't know if he is divorced, has other children, etc. I don't expect you to answer that by any means, I'm merely bringing this up because I have based some of my opinion around the assumption he is probably married and living as a standard father-mother-child unit in one house. Either that, or he had at least partial custody. If it was a single father who moved around a lot or something similar than what I'm going to say would become somewhat less relevant.
It sounds like he was, indeed, using a type of transference/projection. There have been some cases of rapists viewing what their doing as sex (it clearly is not), and they genuinely don't believe themselves to be causing harm in any way. (Continued)
1
They either don't understand, or they've found a way to disassociate from the suffering to such a degree (likely as a coping mechanism so they do not have to deal with the guilt) that they are able to simply ignore it. Others find ways to justify it. And others still enjoy it.
In this case, I believe that the rapist was aware that what he was doing was, at the very least, something considered incredibly wrong. It seems quite likely he knew he was causing physical pain and mental distress with his actions, or, at the very least, he knew there were very serious consequences he could end up suffering if he was caught.
The reason I say this is because I fail to see any other reason for him to go after you when his son was arguably much easier for him to access. But if he believed he was causing pain, it could be that he genuinely cared about his son on some level. (Continued)
2
Perhaps paternal instincts (fucked up as that sounds, pedophiles/rapists are not always immune to them) kicked in. And so He didn't want to cause his son pain.
The other option is he was protecting himself. Victimizing his own child--especially if there is a mother involved-- would be, on many levels, much more difficult to hide in the long run. If someone sees suspicious bruising on a child's skin, their first train of thought usually leads back to the parents. When it's an outside force, there's far more reasonable doubt to go around. There's also the gateway effect where, once you do something once, it becomes far easier to do it again. Raping his son on a regular basis would have the potential to become addictive, and that would be even more difficult to hide.
(Continued)
3
These aren't good examples, but it's a similar thought process I imagine to if you're at work and a valued customer comes in and treats you like an absolute piece of garbage and ruins your entire day. You become pissed off, but you can't take it out on the customer. So instead you go and take it out on a coworker, maybe a friend. Or a man who gets into a very bad argument with his girlfriend and goes and finds a prostitute and hits or chokes him/her. Because it's easier to get away with that behavior when it's someone not involved in your immediate situation. Because you don't want to risk lashing out at the person you actually feel that way about, and risk things never being the same again.
Again, these are not remotely good examples to use here, and I'm by no means excusing or defending his behavior. Just trying to work through a possible explanation of it. Hopefully you understand what I'm getting at.
(Continued)
4
Rapists and people that commit violent acts in general tend to become very good at dehumanizing their victims. In some (not all) cases the victims have very little to do with what's going on. They become a means to an end. If there had been another child in that bed, it's quite possible he would have raped them instead of you. Or its possible that it was partly about you. Not all pedophiles/rapists are attracted to all children/etc. He may have found you "attractive" (i can't think of a better word) as a secondary point. But on some level it was largely about his son.
Having his son in the room likely would have helped feul his perversion. Being able to see/hear/smell him. He didn't want to risk raping him, but he could be near him. If his son never woke up, he'd never be the wiser of what was going on. If he *did* wake up, I imagine the rapist would have spun lies about what was happening.
(Continued)
5
Maybe that it was a "special game," or some of the other sick manipulations they so often use on their victims. Scare tactics and twisted mind games. There's no easier way to keep someone a victim, to keep them quiet, then to make them turn on themself. Make them doubt everything they think and feel. Make them certain they're the ones to blame. And that no one will ever believe them.
This is my theory on what you asked. I apologize once again for the length of it. I started working on formulating an answer as soon as I saw your question, and sometimes they get away from me. But I try to be thorough when something feels important. And your question-- this topic in general-- felt very important.
(End)
Edit: For all the people looking for the tl;dr version, @itselectric summed most of it up decently, prior to me posting this
@itsamemaria Some of them also talk about being trans. Maybe it happened to them when they were young (and so still a girl) and then they transitioned?
Thank you all so so much. I have tears in my eyes. Thank you @xvarnah for your explanations. Thank you @itsamemaria for your kindness. Thanks you @itselectric. Thank you everyone else who read and gave me an upvote. You made my day much better. I love all of you for your kind words and your compassion.
4Reply
deleted
· 6 years ago
This shit is depressing man. And the comment section too. I did not needed that today but, it's good that people are speaking up.
I’m glad people are coming forward too. And I’m glad people are helping support those people and talk about the facts, Something society would never. It all just It really makes our little community feel just a little brighter for our future.
Not all survivors may be ready to talk about their experiences, but hopefully they can take some comfort in knowing that, if they ever are, there are resources for them. And people finally willing to listen.
And let's not forget the whole "did you get hard? Did you orgasm? So you must have wanted it, then." Argument. (Continued)
I've read accounts of male rape victims being shamed off of survivor help websites by women for trying to "steal the attention from REAL victims." Men being told that, since they didn't want to fight and risk hurting someone they considered much weaker physically than them, after being told all their lives never to hit women, that that constitutes the same as them giving consent to be held down on a bed and assaulted. A teen being drugged and raped by a male he trusted. He went to his father, and his father told him to never bring it up again. To anyone.
And let's not even get started on how rape in the prison system is treated.
This along with people I have personally talked to. It starts innocently enough, usually a party or something, alcohol is often involved. And then suddenly the guys will tell me about waking up with someone (cont)
And the truly awful thing is, they almost always shrug it off and change the subject. Even when it's clear they weren't comfortable with what happened. They don't want to talk about it. And if it truly doesn't bother them that's one thing. But often enough it isn't even that. Often they're keeping quiet because there's such a prevalent rape culture where they KNOW they won't be heard, so why bother.
All of it is just a horrifying fucking nightmare society has decided to accept. All of society. And, at this point, it doesn't even matter whose the MOST to blame. When there's so many suffering every day, all around us, there's enough blame to go around. We have to find a way to change it. posts like this are as good a place to start as any.
I don't think I came across as supportive of these people, but this is the Internet, and in this case I want to be absolutely clear I'm not standing anywhere near those depraved wretched individuals who hurt so many.
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sorry this is all so long. One day I'll figure out how to better contain my opinions to less real estate
Other than that, this is so disturbing. I'm glad women are being more vocal but there is still stigma in this subject with men.
I'm sure there's a clinical term for it or a more in depth explanation, but the gist is the rapist was calling and treating the boy as a girl to help fuel their own sick fantasies.
at this point I have to point out that I am in no way a psychologist at all. So I can't give you 100% clinical information. All I can offer is my opinion based on what I've seen/learned over the years. if anyone has better information/alternative opinions/etc then, please, speak up.
I also want to apologize ahead of time for the length of this, and also if anything I say is upsetting in any way. Its a difficult subject and it's almost impossible to put any of this delicately. I'm sure you've heard worse, and clearly you're one of the strongest people on this corner of the Internet, but I'm trying to answer your question as thoroughly as I can, and I have a tendency to talk like a text book sometimes, so just in case.
i do think that what you have said is more or less accurate. I have to add that I don't know the family situation involved with the rapist. What I mean by this is, I don't know if he is divorced, has other children, etc. I don't expect you to answer that by any means, I'm merely bringing this up because I have based some of my opinion around the assumption he is probably married and living as a standard father-mother-child unit in one house. Either that, or he had at least partial custody. If it was a single father who moved around a lot or something similar than what I'm going to say would become somewhat less relevant.
It sounds like he was, indeed, using a type of transference/projection. There have been some cases of rapists viewing what their doing as sex (it clearly is not), and they genuinely don't believe themselves to be causing harm in any way. (Continued)
1
In this case, I believe that the rapist was aware that what he was doing was, at the very least, something considered incredibly wrong. It seems quite likely he knew he was causing physical pain and mental distress with his actions, or, at the very least, he knew there were very serious consequences he could end up suffering if he was caught.
The reason I say this is because I fail to see any other reason for him to go after you when his son was arguably much easier for him to access. But if he believed he was causing pain, it could be that he genuinely cared about his son on some level. (Continued)
2
The other option is he was protecting himself. Victimizing his own child--especially if there is a mother involved-- would be, on many levels, much more difficult to hide in the long run. If someone sees suspicious bruising on a child's skin, their first train of thought usually leads back to the parents. When it's an outside force, there's far more reasonable doubt to go around. There's also the gateway effect where, once you do something once, it becomes far easier to do it again. Raping his son on a regular basis would have the potential to become addictive, and that would be even more difficult to hide.
(Continued)
3
Again, these are not remotely good examples to use here, and I'm by no means excusing or defending his behavior. Just trying to work through a possible explanation of it. Hopefully you understand what I'm getting at.
(Continued)
4
Having his son in the room likely would have helped feul his perversion. Being able to see/hear/smell him. He didn't want to risk raping him, but he could be near him. If his son never woke up, he'd never be the wiser of what was going on. If he *did* wake up, I imagine the rapist would have spun lies about what was happening.
(Continued)
5
This is my theory on what you asked. I apologize once again for the length of it. I started working on formulating an answer as soon as I saw your question, and sometimes they get away from me. But I try to be thorough when something feels important. And your question-- this topic in general-- felt very important.
(End)
Edit: For all the people looking for the tl;dr version, @itselectric summed most of it up decently, prior to me posting this
Its interesting.