Yeah, I had a very long chat with them last night. And while we still don't see eye to eye, I'm doing my best to abate some of their worries that my reaction was every about THEM exclusively or personally. Plus it's a cute cat
Ok, understood. Please shed more light on the “see eye to eye“ part(I see what you did there lol). Hopefully the fire burns out soon. You‘re right, it is a cute cat.
Ehh. We just have slightly different viewpoints on how much Zeus "owed" the community during recent events, and we're annoyed over different things as a result (cycy is annoyed/frustrated/hurt over how the entire process has been treated as a whole, I'm more agitated about one or two very specific parts of it)
I don't really want to keep getting into this. Not at you @aviva , just been hashed out a dozen times already, and everyone's tired, so I'm going to try to keep this summarized as short as possible
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https://m.funsubstance.com/chat/view/id/241426/
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Cycy's opinions are there. I don't think Zeus owed us as much as she does. At the end of the day funsub is a business he owns, and, like any business, if he chooses to sell, he's allowed. We're not monetary shareholders in this business. Just "customers." If the website goes to hell we won't stay, and the website will die. And this is true whether Zeus owns it or not. Heads up is nice, but not something we are OWED. I don't think he deserved the backlash and personal attacks he received, and it's hardly any wonder to me that he stopped replying. We also literally have no idea what's going on on his end. A LOT of people have had very horrific times this year
I don't think funsub is complete garbage now, and I don't completely hate the bots-- just when they post irrelevant content and the ridiculous titles.
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But as I said, I got very enraged when a few people launched that pornographic attack against funsub. Cycy was one of the first people I called out and thought that maybe I'd been attacking her personally. Wasn't the case-- I would and have called out everyone I've found to be involved, either for the good or the ill. And she and I had a decently long conversation, and Hyperion and I talked some as well.
I think this community is still worthwhile, and can still be salvaged. We all just need a break from the drama and hostility and negativity. Whether that be from it dying down naturally, or doing as grim did and taking a full break from the site for a few days or weeks.
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There's been harms, there's been fouls, but hopefully we can all move on in the near future.
Yeah, I'm sure it'll be fine again soon. Some people got heated but it seems like people have calmed down at this point. Everyone in the discord chat is like 0.0
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Not that it matters @xvarnah, but cycy is actually a dude :)
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Also, creativedragonbaby posted this video in the chat a little earlier to change the subject from yesterday's nonsense, and I think it's important for everyone to see:
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https://youtu.be/nGtiDGU1aVk
I don't really even know if I should talk about anything at this point, but I'm kind of on the fence with the discord tbh. And this isn't me telling people not to go there, just my experience.
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I only went to the discord to read the previous chat and only spoke when I was summoned/addressed directly by cycy, and hyperion, at which point someone else entirely accused me of being there to cause drama. Which I found a bit ironic. I also saw at least one still active funsub user talking about how all the drama caused by the actions of people posting destructive content was great, and they were grabbing popcorn. The whole thing just was very tiring. I haven't been back since.
That said, they do seem to be making an effort to clean up, and I'm glad you at least are taking this more or less in stride @jasonmon . A lot of people are seeming more content to complain or leave, and I can't fault them for that, it just seems nice to have people be part of the solution.
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As for Cycy's gender, I honestly have only ever seen people refer to them as a girl (the first time several months ago), and cycy never corrected them, so I went off that haha. It's the only reason I used a non-neutral verb for them at all, since I've never had any idea which one they were. I also always read their name as Cee-Cee, but I guess "Sigh-sigh" is also a possibility. Now I'm getting off track a bit, though
@xvarnah I share the same idea with you about what‘s going on. You‘re actually the first person I‘ve heard out who has that opinion. Maybe there is still hope for FS(I may be wrong). FS has been around for about 6 years. Maybe some users are overreacting about this
@aviva I've seen a few people who seem to have similar viewpoints. Jasonmon is already here, ofc. guest_ has expressed very strong exasperation about the behaviour entirely. There's others whose names I can't recall.
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I was more upset about the porn behaviour than the treatment from Zeus either way. As I said to cycy, it was an attack launched against people who are not at fault, that put them at risk in more ways than one, and tried to collapse what remained of what was and still can be a good community.
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There's a lot of people who have been to hell and back this year. Or even in the years prior to this. Most have been through things I can't even begin to pretend I can understand. Some are still going through them right now. I haven't been here long, but I don't need to be here long to know this place acts as a refuge for a lot of them. And they deserved better than what just happened. So if anyone needs to understand my reaction to that incident, it's here, on digital paper.
As near as I can tell Timebender25 wanted his discord to become an extension of that-- a refuge away from the refuge in case it all goes wrong. And they're working toward getting it back on track.
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Good grief, I've said an awful lot about a subject I said I wouldn't say much more about. I guess that's typical for me, though.
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Hopefully this has been a more positive discussion than we have seen previously, or at the very least isn't disturbing the community at large :/
I think this particular thread is off the beaten path so the more neutral users like us feel okay talking about it. Granlobomalo and parisqeen will be around, and mialinay and guest_ and celticrose and sunflowers and alekazam and ajhedges and creativedragonbaby and timebender25 (who did have good intentions with the discord) and the twins and hyperion and you two and on and on. The heart and soul of the community will be just fine.
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Bots have been posting here for years. Maybe bethorien is right and the admins tweaked the bots to post more content for clicks. If the admins did that, I'm 100% sure they're reconsidering their decision lol
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Yesterday in the discord, cycy corrected someone after they called him a girl. That's the only reason I know about that.
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This site is definitely my refuge and has helped me through lots of bad times this year! I'm saddened by the rough patch, but it'll pass soon enough.
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And why are we not talking about the terrifying video I linked to earlier??
I think Mrs collector is possibly still around, also? Mrdad may or may not be. Idk if johnnyjohnny left or not. He was talking about it. :/
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Still, it is a strong user base that remains for now
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I imagine they have been posting for years, the thing that bothers me is a) the suggestion that the bots are taking over formerly active accounts. So, for example, if I take a hiatus, I could come back and find out my account has been used to post porn and rape jokes. Or anything at all. Outside of that b) i just dislike the uptick, horrendously outdated/inappropriate stuff, and the titles.
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Idk if they do regret it. I think the godaddy price for the website may have gone up since the influx of bots? But idk for sure. Don't really want to speculate. They may be here to stay, and that'll just be something we have to deal with I guess
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Well now the debate is do I take the time to go back and edit every post I've made about him calling them a her. O.o the neurotic in me is sorely tempted, but they have to battle it out against the lazy person in me. Really it's anyone's game.
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I hope it hasn't discouraged you too much from talking about the things you were thinking about talking about before. Maybe you changed your mind either way, but hopefuly this hasn't been too discouraging.
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Haha I did watch some of it. Sadly I got distracted by some rather discouraging announcements regarding a child rapist on the news and forgot
@guest_ and @parisqeen This thread is a couple weeks old but it talks about some stuff I've been going through. Paris, you've already read the story in the link below. I felt okay enough talking about it here, and if y'all are bored you can read through it! Small context for later...in an earlier version of this comment, I said "I was really wanting to talk about my craziness before but *EARMUFFS @AVIVA* I've gotten input from close friends to just wait." Back to the thread ->
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Much more important than me and my drama, my main fear is weakening the position of actual survivors of sexual assault and I can't think of a way to cut this that puts my fear to rest. I wrote down what happened to me while I was processing it. This is what I decided against posting on the chat, but I'm happy to let you read it:
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https://www.quotev.com/story/11360752
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This is obviously emotional stuff. I'll leave the link here for a little bit and then I'll remove it. Sorry, future people!
Sorry to summon you, @aviva. A couple months ago I said I'd post about some 2018 drama happening for me and @xvarnah said she'd be interested in hearing about it. I was just explaining to her why I never posted it. I figured you would be super confused about what I was suddenly talking about when we were all talking about something else, so I @tagged you saying to ignore me lol
@jasonmon that was a hell of a fucking rollercoaster ride.
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First off kudos to you for your relief efforts, that's really an amazing thing you did.
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I have to ask because I can't remember, did anything actually happen to the girl? I mean, was she held accountable in any way shape or form? I'm asking this less from a revenge perspective and more from a "is she still a risk to other people."
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Also have you been approached about making this a movie, or are you just thinking hypothetically?
I have very much been approached about making this a movie. I have a good friend who has won two Emmys who is putting me in touch with a screen writer, if I decide to go that route. Also, because of my relief efforts, I have extremely close contact with a strong presidential candidate, IF I wanted to follow a more political (read: codification) approach. At this point, I'm leaning towards the latter but neither are mutually exclusive.
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Nothing has happened/will happen to this girl in a legal sense. She is now prohibited from any online communication. This does not stop her from somehow trying to contact me on instagram from various accounts, which I keep immediately blocking. I assume the message will be something like, "I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY" but there's no way in h*ck I'm opening a message from her. I hope she isn't a threat to others, and I very much hope she got the help she needs because of all this.
Fun fact: I have various restrictions I agreed to so this would go away. One of them is a total prohibition of any form of pornography. That's totally not a big deal, like, at all. But if I had gotten into funsub yesterday during The Nonsense, I would have inadvertently violated that prohibition and gone away for 30 days. Not great :/
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That was my motivation to rant in the chat yesterday. I stopped short of articulating it but I'm still (understandably) shaken and upset that yesterday happened at all because of the potential catastrophic consequences I would have faced.
Well, it sounds like it would be a worthwhile movie tbh. Which is probably never something anyone should actually want said about their life because it usually means something quite shitty happened.
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I figured nothing would happen since she's a minor. Hopefully at least the police are aware she's a repeat offender and keep that in mind.
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The amount of injustice in the world is exhausting sometimes.
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I actually mentioned you by name to cycy (and a couple other people, hopefully you don't mind) when we were having our back and forth. Not any details about your situation since I didn't know a lot, and details weren't relevant, but just because I knew you'd had a crappy year and, based on your reaction, the porn was definitely something you were serious about.
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Seeing your comments now I know that even I didn't realize just how much was at stake, and if I didn't then the discord people definitely did not.
I'm not sure which questions to ask without revealing too much you might not want left on this website. I'm assuming the charges were laid in America, and since you made that deal there probably isn't a chance you can appeal it and have it overturned?
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You said you're considering potential codification (<- make me google things, will ya <.<), and I'm curious what your proposition in terms of it would be?
Tbh I think your story is important. Part of me is concerned about the reception it would have regardless of the medium because the stupid people have been allowed to reproduce for too long.
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I feel like whatever route you take you're going to have (mostly) women calling you a liar, a rapist, or even just trying to distract from the "REAL" issues (aka women being raped), or demean their cause.
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And on the other side you'll have the people who turn your story into a weapon "see?? See?? Men are just persecuted victims who never rape anyone, and women are just lying sluts who need to stop crying over spilt milk."
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I don't agree with either of those viewpoints because they're so barbarically wrong. I guess I just feel like it needs to be mentioned so it doesn't catch you off guard? Though you've probably already taken it into consideration
I won't be able to get anything overturned/appealed but I am getting it expunged so it'll be like it never happened. Also, my felony will go away so I won't have a permanent mark on my record.
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And, yes, you are seeing the intricacies of my situation. I was extremely well-known and well-liked in my community and I have gotten several credible, independent death threats from the "hang-em-all" crowd, which is fun. On the other side, I can say I'd be destroyed if I made it easier for a predator to use my experience to go free.
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As for codification, it would be straight-up labyrinthine. My ideas would take pages and pages to communicate but the broad strokes would just give law enforcement more latitude in how they handle cases like this. There are a ton of similar cases to mine that were prosecuted with these outdated laws. It's just complicated to change something without someone bad taking advantage :/
But I think my story is important. Something crazy happened to me and it's happening over and over all around the world. I want to make something good out of this thing that almost took me down, so that other people won't have to go through it like I did.
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Anyway, that's been my debate over the last couple of months.
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I don't mind that you mentioned me by name to cycy and crew. They should know this place is an innocent little safe haven to some people. I certainly wasn't afraid to yell at them in the chats, once they'd crossed the line. I was definitely annoyed with the whole situation but think I handled it all diplomatically-ish.
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Thanks on my lil unicorn!! Lol
Well that's as good as an appeal to me. Getting it gone so it doesn't have the ability to impact your life. Even things as simple as boarding a plane or getting a job can become a nightmare with even a simple charge on your record. Not that I probably need to tell you that-- at this point I'm sure you have a better grasp of that than I do.
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People like that are terrible. Most likely none of them were even involved. I remember seeing the thing on Netflix about the girl who got raped, came forward, and some select members of the community responded by burning her house down. I understand the desire to act out to a degree when you feel there's an injustice being had, but most of these types of people don't even fall into that category... they're just destructive, horrible slugs, spreading hate and somehow feeling justified by trying to ruin someone's life
And I'm sorry you're having to put up with them on top of everything else you've gone through. Not that it's my fault, I know, but I'm Canadian, and therefore I'm allowed to apologize whether I'm blamed or not.
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It may not be necessary but part of me hopes you have some kind of security for yourself like cameras or whatnot. I'm not asking you to say because the over-thinker in me goes "okay, but if someone sees exactly what security measures this person has in their home.. That'll make it a lot easier to bypass them if they want to." Just how my brain works.
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It's the catch 22 of any problem like this, I think. "No good deed goes unpunished," as they say. I would never want to see a rapist, especially paedophile, or other guilty criminal just walk free because they manipulate the system. However, it just makes me think of the old adage "better let a guilty man go free than let an innocent one suffer." If an innocent man is rotting away in prison for a crime he didn't commit, the guilty man is getting away with it anyway. Maybe someone will use your story to weasel out of justice. But it might save someone from being persecuted in their place.
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I don't know, I've never been the victim of a crime to that degree. Im not sure how some of the people here who have been would feel. But I think even if I had been I'd rather see someone like you be let out of prison alongside a man I know is guilty, than see someone like you suffer the same fate as him.
I don't know the solution, and I don't know enough about laws to even begin to get into the intricacies of it. If you have some concept, and feel you could do some good, then it may be worth a shot. It runs the risk of putting you in the spotlight, but no more so than a movie would I suppose. it is an important story, and I think it's worth telling. Whether people can take it as it should be without twisting it into something wicked or not. A lot of people will see it for what it is, and probably find something.. Idk "hopeful" doesn't seem like quite the right word but I can't think of a better one atm
Well it was just to cycy specifically tbh-- I only said about 6 things in total in the discord, most of which were addressed to cycy anyway, and then cycy asked if they could message me privately. I didn't get into any details about anything, as I said, I literally just said something along the lines of "jasonmon has been to hell and back in the last year from the sounds of it," and mentioned a few other people who have been having rough times.
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Haha you probably handled it more diplomatically than I did. There's a few uses I rarely see get truly pissed off about anything (guest_ being another one), so anytime I see them (including you) fired up a bit it's like "well, shit definitely just got real in here."
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But yeah, it's one thing for a stupid bot to post those pics by accident, it's another for people to spam it deliberately. Weird thing is I don't even normally open the NSFW images, but the titles caught my attention that day for some reason
I've lost track of what I've said at this point so hopefully I said what I was trying to say (it's been a bit of a long day and I'm a scatterbrain at the best of times).
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I certainly took up enough posts to do so at any way :s
Ok, thanks, Jason.
You‘re probably going to get a lot of spam by giving your email out publicly.
It‘s probably not my business, but I was thinking @xvarnah maybe Jason should make a movie out of his life, if he finds that necessary and for the right reasons. It could help show that not every person accused of a sex offence is guilty, among the other reasons. I do know that his story may raise some eyebrows, but there are 2 sides to a story because a falsely accused would most likely serve jail time or have his life greatly damaged. I do think him being meticulous about what he puts in the script could help lower the chance of his story being misinterpreted.
@aviva Haha it's okay. I figured maybe you'd just scanned the sheer volume of messages and been like ".. Imma just respond to this one." I do that when I see there's like 30+ responses to a comment.
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But yeah, I wasn't trying to discourage him at all. We can all agree it's a "good" story (good in that it has a message etc, not that it happened), and an important one. Ive just learner it's never good to go into an experience like that unprepared to face the potential backlash. Telling the story in situations like this can sometimes have more gruelling fallout than what transpired beforehand. It's why a lot of victims of rape never used to come forward.
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If Jason feels empowered enough and ready enough to tell his story, it's worthwhile for people to hear it. Though even if he does, it will likely still be years before it could come out anyway.
This is a lot to think about. Thanks for your input, both of you. I know it’s an emotional thing to dig in to.
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I was smart and started a consulting company before I had a tarnished record. Most places won’t hire anyone with a felony. So now I’m the employee of the consulting company, and the consulting company dispatches a technician to respond to whatever network/computer problem that needs fixing. So companies hire my company and my company sends me :)
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I do have security at my place. When I can return back home, I’ll worry a little more about it. I try not to burn any energy on it for now. Before I actually return, I’ll get the word out that I am coming home and that I’m cool and that please don’t kill me.
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It’s true that, whatever I do, there will be ramifications. If I go big and write a book/screenplay and really make a splash, I will be hated and threatened. I'm okay with it...
I am not afraid of anything like that. And even if I had been, my 2018 would have done a pretty magical job ironing out the wrinkles lol
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I think I just have to write it all down and walk away for a while. If I come back and read it and it’s still good, I will take the next step. I really do think I can do powerful stuff with this. I just need it to be helpful to society in the end.
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I am leaning in the direction of speaking to people who have a proclivity to commit a sexual assault. No one talks about the ramifications in THEIR lives. Everyone is scared of talking directly to a rapist and explaining that their little moment of power and control takes away everything from them – family, friends, employment, housing, possessions, and freedom. After they’re done with the brutal punishment phase, they have to start over in their lives with no support. I can’t imagine how that would destroy a person...
Well, I couldn’t imagine it before I met a bunch of them face to face and saw how great it was working out for them.
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Random thought on my read-through of this thread: @xvarnah I like that you kept apologizing and then rationalized it by saying you are Canadian lol
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And @aviva, thanks for your words, too. And I’ll remove my e-mail! I forgot I put it there.
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Anyway, now you guys know about my crazy year. I know it’s a lot to take in, but thanks for reading through it. I appreciate your time and energy, and I’ll let you know if anything interesting develops.
I know you didn't mean it this way but I first read that as "I was smart and started a consulting company BEFORE I went out and got my record tarnished up." Like you pre-planned to go and have your record tarnished but made sure you had a company ready to go, unlike those other schmucks who didn't have the foresite to build a company before getting involved in a crimespiracy. Anyway I found it a little amusing, but maybe that's just me being overtired.
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I imagine this is a lot more emotional thing for you given you actually did and still are living it. :/ still, I'm glad you waited until you were ready (I hope) to talk about it, even if it's to a smaller audience than you originally planned. Who knows, maybe after you revisit it the funsub community will be back in some kind of shape and you'll feel comfortable addressing more of them again. Or maybe you'll revisit in eventually and think "I've actually had enough of this," and put the book on the shelf.
Time tends to affect even what seems like our biggest motivations and intentions in ways we never anticipate.
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Then again, you're a fairly driven person from the sounds of it. I imagine once you get an idea in your head you just wait for the right time to make it happen
There's a few issues you can face with doing speaking or working with people who have a proclivity to commit crimes. The first is, usually in order for them to be identified as having a proclivity, they have to have already committed or attempted to commit a crime. Or else had to seek help, which is often with a counseller, and might be privileged. The ones who dont fall into this category often either don't think they would ever do something like that, or don't believe they commited a crime, or won't admit it in the first place.
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Another issue is there's a danger of becoming emotionally involved, which may seem like something managable on the first place, but depending on how far you go with it, and how deep the problems the people you try to help go, there is a very real possibility of it burning you out in short order.
The third issue is people misunderstanding your intent and potentially viewing you as a rapist sympathizer, which, outside of the shallows of the Internet, is a decently dangerous thing to be seen as (unless you're the president of the United states. I'm sorry I just had to <_<). Even without being dangerous, it can severely undermine your message.
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Keep in mind I'm not saying ANY of this to discourage you. As with the previous things, I'm just trying to make sure you can go into whatever decision you make in the future with eyes as open as they can be
I will be honest in that, on a lot of levels, I have difficulty sympathizing with most rapists.
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The person I mentioned earlier, unrelated to this, was a man who kidnapped, raped, tortured, and murdered a little girl. His girlfriend helped him the entire way.
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They were both arrested, but it was eventually revealed that somehow the girlfriend had been moved to what is known as a "healing lodge." This is not a prison. A relative of mine stayed in the same one this woman was at. They have rooms. They have leather seats and a fireplace. They have no fences. Some of the women who were serving sentences have their children there. Some younger than the little girl that was murdered.
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After much outrage and trauma to the parents of the victim, this woman was finally moved back to an actual prison.
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They just announced that the man involved has now been moved from a maximum security prison to a medium security prison, and the parents are going through the entire thing all over again
Now these people are 100% guilty. There is no shred of doubt, the woman even confessed at one point (I think throwing her boyfriend under the bus, but ider at this point).
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I'm not a fan of people suffering. But I'm not sure I really care if these two ever get rehabilitated. I don't truly believe they can be.
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That said, I've also seen the episode "White Bear" from "Black Mirror." While it's not reality, a lot of people wish it could be. To me it just made me feel slightly Ill.
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I'm not sure what my point was now. I guess it was something along the lines of I can see merit to your rehabilitation idea for some cases.
I don't know how to word this without it sounding wrong, but hopefully anyone who reads understands anyway.
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Some rapists end up convicted because the girl/guy they've been dating was drunk. Does that make them a rapist? Yes. Does it make them a monster? It depends on the situation to a degree. And depending on the situation, maybe they can be rehabilitated.
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There isn't much hope for people who are convicted of sex crimes in terms of starting over. And some of them -won't- be salvageable no matter how early you get to them.
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But the old "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" is certainly worth a shot
Anything we can do to help stop people from becoming monsters (even momentary monsters), and salvage the ones who can be.. May be worth a shot.
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I think it would be worthwhile for you to maybe at some point consider talking to other victims/survivors as well. Whether it's women raped by men, men raped by women, either victims of false accusations. Maybe even some other people such as psychiatrists/psychologists in the field.
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I'm certainly not saying you have to or telling you how to go about things, just making some suggestions. It may be easier to approach the issue when you can have a personal experience with people on all sides.
I mean, apologizing Is pretty much the only thing I have to mark me as more than just a "northernmost American." Apologizing and maple syrup. And apparently flying bears.
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And to answer your unasked question: no, I cannot respond to your comments with anything less than a short novel's worth of comments
Oh yes, I definitely didn't mean I started my new little company before this whole storm lol
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I'm okay with novels, for the record!
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I've talked to some people who were very guilty and very sorry, and some who were guilty and not sorry at all, and psychologists. Sex offender counseling/treatment is still in its infancy but they've gotten good results from a wide cross section of offenses.
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The thing you seem to grasp that others don't is there's a spectrum: if you are 18 and had sex with your 17 year old partner, society treats you the same as if you had raped and killed an infant. But obviously, that is the low end of the SO spectrum. If you use violence or if you target children or if you're a repeat offender, you are at the high end of the SO spectrum. But even if you're a monster like that, you're still treated and released after prison.
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People who are treated have a much lower rate of recidivism than people who are just released into the world...
And the more society alienates them and holds them under scrutiny and treats them like a pariah, the more they tend to reoffend. So now there's a momentum to have offenders focus on family and friends and building healthy support networks.
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Instead of banishing SOs to the corners of society and keeping them 1000 yards from any public area, peopl experts have found that reincluding them into a normal life drops recidivism to almost nothing.
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It's obviously easy to see why there's so much hate for people who commit a crime like this. It's really weird to think of these people as largely teachable after they're punished. I don't know about the horrible people you were talking about, and it makes me glad I never have to be the one to decide who gets punished forever and who gets to live in society again 0.0
I do see what you mean that people with a subconscious inclination toward sexual assault would maybe not identify themselves as that, early-on. I want to set up my delivery of information in a way that would be non-judgemental and would be interesting for anyone to read. That's actually the tone I was playing with when I wrote out my story. I think it would be clear to everyone that I am staunchly anti-rape but you never know. People let this stuff cloud their judgement; I've had the weirdest comments directed at me, even after everything was dismissed.
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Also, I wouldn't want to go one-on-one with potential offenders because I would definitely get too involved in trying to help each individual. That was my whole problem with this situation. If I was a jerk, I never would have tried to help this girl in the first place.
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I am certainly driven. Once I decide on the direction I'm taking, I'll make it happen. For now, I just need to get through six more months of nonsense.
@jasonmon Oh, lol. Understood. ‘Six more months of nonsense?‘ If you don‘t mind me asking, is it connected to the previous situation?
@xvarnah I envy your ability to but your thoughts into long writing. I usually summarise and overthink mine over and over sometimes
^^^^ in case I send another 50 messages in a row (I never know what will happen) don't forget to read aviva's comment so it doesn't get lost in my shuffle.
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Jasomon, you can feel free to read this but just FYI this next comment(s) isn't really directed at you. I'll tag you when I get to yours to make it a bit easier
@aviva haha tbh part of why my comments get so long is BECAUSE I overthink. If I were better at summarizing my thoughts I'm sure my comments would be a lot shorter and to the point. Still, if you have thoughts on the subject you haven't voiced, this is as good a place to start as any. There's not a lot of opportunities to talk with people about trigger subjects like this where it doesn't devolve into a hostile shit-storm.
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Usually once you start typing and making points about something it can help your brain click onto other subjects, and, if you're lucky, they might even be related to what you're trying to say (or, if you're like me, I can go from typing a sentence about blue cheese or something and somehow end up on weather conditions in Scotland... -_-).
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Best thing I've found, and maybe jasonmon has some thoughts too, since he managed to put a very trying situation into words, is to just start. Just start typing, whatever occurs to you.
Still @aviva
One thing I do (and I believe guest_, another user with somewhat long-winded responses) is sometimes even type my comments outside of the comment box, in like an email to myself, or a note document. Usually this is because I want to talk about something, but don't have time, but sometimes it's also because I want to make sure I word a thing right. Stepping back may give me time to think about what I said, come up with additional points, or reword it. Hell, you don't even have to post them.
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I think you've probably got a good head on your shoulders, and giving a voice to your thoughts takes practice.
As an added note-- don't feel too envious, I only sound even somewhat okay on "paper." When I try to speak out loud it usually ends up a mess x) what started as "this is what I think, and this is what I think you should do, and here's what you need to be concerned about, and this, this, this, and this is why," my brain blanks and I end up sounding like:
"..I don't think that's a good idea."
"Why?"
"Well, um. Because. There was a reason."
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As a side note I did see you tagged me awhile ago in a chat that someone was asking for advice in. I was sick at the time, and by the Time I got there it seemed guest_ had covered most everything, so I just thought I'll just let this be
@jasonmon
Your leg of the comment journey begins!
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Haha I know what you meant, my brain just likes misinterpreting things sometimes. Usually it ends up being entertaining so I share it on the off chance it makes someone else laugh.
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Well, in that case you've come to the right place. I'm pretty sure I just spammed Aviva with 3 or 4 comments in response to them saying 2 sentences.
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It's interesting you keep bringing the 18/17 year old thing up because I actually randomly had that as a thought shortly before we started talking about this. I think it was inspired by something to do with the me too movement, but I ended up thinking "it must be very difficult for a couple who start dating when one is 15 and the other is 16 or 17, and then they age up, and suddenly they're no longer a couple because one of them is now a rapist."
I mean, we all know WHY those laws exist, and they're very important laws. But people are willing to abuse them. It's also tricky because while 15 and 17 dating isn't so horrendous (although theres still a maturity gap), add 1 more year gap on either side and suddenly my mood toward it shifts entirely. 15 and 18? Not a fan. 17 and 14? One of you is behaving beyond inappropriate. That's just how I feel about it. But age and development, physical and emotional, are insanely important, and the gap when you're in that age range of even a year can be exponential.
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But the point was an 18 year old who has consensual sex should not be thrown in with the same group as the child-raping couple I mentioned earlier. What they did is not even on the same level, so why give them anything close to the same punishment?
Which is the other side of the coin. I don't know what it's intentions were, but as far as I can tell, prison is not MEANT to be a rehabilitation. It's meant to be a punishment. And prisons can be hell. For the guards and the prisoners alike.
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And some people I think do deserve that punishment. Maybe not being kept in conditions entirely like what you went through, but not so far off from what prisons at optimum function are supposed to be. A lot of the people in prisons (not all, but a lot) are dangerous, and would commit crimes again given an opportunity. Some may deserve therapy, but to never be let out again.
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But some isn't all. There's people who can be shoulder deep in the drug world and come out on the other side and never do drugs again.
There's people who maybe have raped. Gone full out, found their victim in a dark alley, etc. And the issue is, once you have a thought, once you've ACTED on a thought, the chance of repeating is far greater.
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Whatever the circumstances are, at the end of the day no amount of rehab will ever help someone who isn't COMMITED to it. People who do drugs in the past and get clean have to make a commitment to never go back to them. And it's not a "new years resolution" type thing. It's a daily, even hourly thing.
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Craig Ferguson has a book, and in it he talks about his battle with alcoholism, and at some point he talks about how he never even has so much as a sip of wine at a party and people ask him "you don't want to drink anymore?" And he says something along the lines of "I don't not WANT to drink, I CAN'T drink." As in he doesn't have the ability to stop himself from being lured back down that hole. So instead he doesn't even let himself get anywhere near it
Rape isn't drugs or alcohol, but the basic premise can still be applied. Which is part of why paedophiles that get released are ordered not to be anywhere near children. Playgrounds, anywhere. Yet some paedophiles choose to go to them anyway, which puts themselves and others at risk.
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Not every offender, even purposeful offender, will repeat if the right measures are taken. What it comes down to in the end I guess is:
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-does releasing them violate the victim further?
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This one sounds simple, but I think is very important. No victim wants to see their offender released. And as in the case I mentioned, it's bordering on cruel and unusual punishment to put some of them through that.
The victims of rape often go through seemingly endless trauma and harassment. It's something that's become branded on their life, and they have to try and figure out how to grow anything on the scorched earth left behind.
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Offenders who go through rehabilitation sometimes feel the need to reach out to their victims. Maybe to "put things right." This can be insanely traumatizing to victims and their families. As can hearing their assailant is getting released. Some already have nightmares, some who have progressed past that may start having them again. It all can end up be turning a scar into a scab that can be ripped off and bleed everywhere once again. A lot of victims take a long time feeling safe in their own homes again, having any kind of functional relationship in terms of romance, connecting with their children, etc.
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And the families go through much the same.
That said, the victims may never be ready to hear their rapist has been released. But, in some scenarios, that doesn't always mean the person deserves to die in prison. Which at the end of the day why their testimony can be heard at parole hearings, but independent parties make the decision.
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Now I have to take a second to remember what my next point was. Something about blue cheese and Scotland probably
-CAN the perpetrator be rehabilitated? Is there any hope? Are they driven? Will they make the effort? And this can be tricky. Because some people who commit crimes can be very convincing liars. And very charming when they want to be. It's difficult to distinguish who is lying and who is genuine-- polygraphs aren't reliable. All we have is their track record and their testimony and behaviour, which can be misleading. Anytime a criminal is released, society is taking a gamble, with more to lose than it will gain if they're wrong.
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If they can be rehabilitated, what needs to occur? People aren't the same. The help they need may not be the same. Do they need intensive therapy? A tracking bracelet? Medications? All of the above?
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And WHERE do they get released? Where can all of this occur that this person, if they revert, will cause minimum backlash? Where they can still have access to the resources they need? Where they won't be hunted down and killed in the streets?
That's something society tends to forget in their "righteous anger."
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If someone commits a crime, and is genuine in changing. And let's say we can guarantee this fellow would never commit a crime again. He's released, does the therapy, the check-ins, stays away from trigger areas, etc etc etc.
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But now he needs a job. People take one look at his record and into the trash his resume goes. <- this is the kind of event that, when repeated enough, often triggers people commiting crimes anyway. People become restless and angry and hungry and desperate, and suddenly we're on our way to the night's watch for stealing some cheese. (I was going to do a Les miz reference but GoT won out).
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I'm by no means saying anyone is OWED a job, just that desperate times, rejection, and a loss of hope has been observed as the perfect recipe for bad situations. It's how a lot of people end up in gangs.
But anyway, so now he can't get a job. But he's still trying. He needs money to pay rent for the apartment he's been placed in. Which, unfortunately, he can't go home to, because people keep putting graffiti on the door, or smashing his windows in with rocks, putting death threats under his door, putting his picture up all across town.
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And then, when he does something wrong, people will jeer and act justified like "see? I KNEW the bastard couldn't change."
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The purpose of the offender list is to make people aware, so they can be on the defensive. "Hey this guy? He was 20 and had sex with a 16 year old. Maybe don't leave him alone with your teenager."
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People choose to turn it into a witch hunt. Sometimes I can't blame them, but others it just makes things worse.
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Society unwittingly steals justice from itself by taking it into their own hands.
And yet, when society feels unsafe, it's not always hard to blame them for lashing out. There's another case of a schizophrenic man who beheaded someone on a bus several years ago. They've been talking about his release for some time now, which makes a lot of people VERY concerned. Everything about his release is incumbent on his ability to stay on his medication, and the ability of the medication to be effective. It's a hard thing to moniter-- if they do at all. It makes me uneasy myself. Not because he's schizophrenic, but because of the level and type of schizophrenia he has, and the way it's displayed itself. And at the end of the day, no one wants to be the guniea pig his release is tested on.
More relevant to the subject we were talking about, is the guy who lured another young man around the same age into a sexual situation, and then proceed to torture him to death, on camera. He released the video on a gore pon website, where it stayed up for several weeks iirc before someone clued in that this video WAS real, and the guy in the video was a missing person, who turned out to be an immigrant I believe who had come over to take college courses in Canada.
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I can't remember, but I think the guy responsible also potentially mailed body parts of his victim to people.
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I read a book once called "don't - a woman's word." Despite the title, it's not really about sexim from what I recall. It's written by a woman who suffered near constant sexual abuse at the hands of her father (or step father iirc), and later at the hands of his friends
This was way before the me too movement. So I don't think this woman ever got justice. I could be wrong (it's been over a decade since I read the book), but I think her family basically decided to turn her into a villain rather than admit the dad was an abuser and stopped talking with her.
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Anyway, the main reason for me hashing out all this is because, as you said, there's different spectrum of abuse and crimes, different types of victims/survivors, different hopes and concerns for rehabilitation.
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And this is mostly just dealing with people who DID commit crimes, not ones who were falsely accused, who have many of the hurdles you mentioned and more to overcome
I think anyone involved in the conviction process or release process should have a degree in psychology. Maybe that's already a requirement, idk. But it seems too important to just leave up to anyone.
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That said, there's some people I'd be quite happy to hear were never getting out of prison haha..
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I think your story could help and/or at the very least give hope to some wrongly convicted if nothing else. Even if it just encourages them to have some evidence re-examined or get an appeal etc. You may even be able to work with programs like the innocence project or such to set up places you can talk to people or provide resources etc.
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Haha well, it's good you have your boundaries in mind, although with topics and occurrences such as this, it's VERY hard not to get emotionally involved with people on a 1v1 capacity, despite the best intentions. Usually best that can be hoped for is to not end up spread too thin
I can't type anymore now and your eyes are probably starting to cross, so I think I'll leave this here for the time being. Went on way longer than I meant to yet again <_<
@xvarnah Ok. Ha! there must be good cheeses in Scotland. So that‘s your secret!! lol. I can write a lot when I put my mind to it. I just feel some people would find it a burden reading something very long. Sometimes the original comment I type out is a lot longer than the one I finally post because I think: “what if that point is unnecessary?“ “does that sound offensive?“ etc.
Maybe you should write a book o:D
Concerning the chat I tagged you in a while ago, I figured that was the reason you didn‘t stress about responding. I‘m pretty sure guest_ had done justice to it. It matters mostly that the person who was seeking for advice got it ^^
Hi guys! I am eating dinner and then scripting a fix for an annoying time clock server at the hospital and then I'm going to type out my reply here.. Talk soon!
@aviva oh that's a guarantee. Half the time if I see posts that go on for a very long time, unless I've been part of it from the start, I go "nope" and move on. But it's not a reason to get discouraged. Usually If I think something might sound offensive I just say "this probably won't come out right," or something and then let the chips fall where they may. At least you tried. Worse case scenario you can usually explain like that's not hpwhat I meant at all when someone inevitably misinterprets something.
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Haha good. I felt kind of like "they specifically asked me for my opinion, but... guest_ pretty much got this covered." And then I thought I'd come back to it later and then I just plain forgot. -_-
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@jasonmon no worries Haha. I spammed you with quite a bit-- I'm surprised you're replying tonight at all
Okay. Well. I definitely read everything you wrote @xvarnah. This is extremely interesting to me because it’s central to my life at the moment. (To clarify for later – jail is when you’re pretrial or serving a sentence of 12 or fewer months, prison is either when you’re being transported or it is after trial and when you’re serving more than 12 months.)
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So @aviva, on longer responses, I’ll open Word or an e-mail draft on my laptop and I’ll scroll through the comment on my phone. For each interesting point that comes up, I’ll type a few words on my laptop. At the end, I just expand them all until they say what I want. I get a spell checker and a full keyboard. Does that make sense?
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Longer comments aren’t a burden to a certain cross-section of users here. I’d say 10-15% can get really interested in these long threads.
@xvarnah, you asked why I was mentioning the example of an 18yo in jail for sleeping with a 16yo, and it’s because I met someone awaiting trial who had just turned 18. His girlfriend was 15 and about to turn 16. Her mom hated him and turned him in. Now he’s in prison for two years, then on supervised parole for another five, then registered as a sex offender for an additional five. He’s 18 and the next twelve years of his life are destroyed, and he doesn’t have much of a shot after that. The years from 18 to 30 are pretty key years. This is the type of treatment you’d expect from a much worse crime, but prison is full of guys just like this.
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It took me a long time – even while sitting in jails/prisons when I was getting transported – to realize there is a spectrum of offenses, and to realize that society would rather permanently dispose of anyone accused of any sort of sexual anything than look at each case individually.
Shifting gears, @aviva asked about my “six more months of nonsense.” Since I wrote my story something frustrating happened to me. I found out that anyone who does this evaluation will be required to do treatment. So, even though I have been evaluated at zero risk and I am not a sex offender, I will be getting the same counseling as anyone convicted of any sex offense :/ (It makes sense, I guess – why would they let someone go who is a potential threat.) I am starting my classes tomorrow. My evaluator said it takes six months to two years to complete the class, and she thinks I’ll breeze through the material on the six month side.
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It’ll be unsettling because the classes are held in the jail, so I get to be inside again, with a pretty rough group of fellas. This year just keeps on giving! Haha. I’m just going to show up tomorrow dressed nicely with my head up and smile at everyone and try not freak out.
In the class, they’re going to talk about the Sexual Assault Cycle. The evidence shows that sexual assaults don’t just happen. There are patterns and triggers: you start as a lonely person. Then you get rejected over and over. Then you form a bond with someone you shouldn’t, then you fantasize about whatever idk – that’s about where they lost me in the orientation. Basically, for each step of the cycle, you need to identify how to stop yourself from going to the next step. To answer your question, YES, this is all run by psychologists. And YES there is solid, provable, repeatable, scientific assurance that treatment helps offenders break their cycle and not reoffend.
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You asked if rehabilitation is possible, and my take (before I’ve ever set foot in a class or experienced any of this) is that the supervising authority is handing the offender all the tools they need so they can stay away from their triggers and break their unhealthy patterns.
They also put things in to place so there is accountability from the offender and if it seems like things aren’t being taken seriously, rights and privileges will be revoked. But just because you hand someone all the tools to build a house doesn’t mean that person will actually follow through and build a house.
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To speak to your next concern, all offenders are kept away from their victims and their families forever under SERIOUS penalties – even if the victim reaches out to them. Reunification programs (if it’s a family member, like in a case of incest or something) do exist if everyone agrees that’s in the best interest of the offender and the victim. If that’s the case, it’ll be years before any unsupervised contact would be allowed.
I am really only talking about the offender side of things at this point. I don’t think anyone ever hears about this side of the coin, so that’s why I am spending so much time on it. I hope to god that any victims get the counseling and support they need as well. I’m sure that talking about this stuff in a healthy setting can make a huge difference in a victim’s life.
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Authorities all over the world have divided sex offenses into several classifications. The only classification that’s universally listed on public registries is “predatory.” Those are the people getting hunted down and killed. Those are the pedophiles (NOT how everyone uses the scary boogeyman buzz word, but actual pedophiles who are uncontrollably sexually attracted to children and who truly lose ALL interest once any sign of adolescence occurs, yuck -> side note: in my story, did I detail the conversation I had with the pedophile serving a life sentence in Pahrump, Nevada?
That was the most interesting and upsetting conversation I have ever experienced) as well as other predatory people like repeat offenders and violent offenders. Anyway, that’s the nastiest class of offenders.
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The middle class of sex offenses are like the 18 year old I mentioned above, or someone older than 18 who had consensual sex with someone past adolescence but still inappropriate, like their babysitter or whatever, idk. Those instances are mistakes but they aren’t violent, malicious, calculated acts. These are statutory offenses, and often they’re misdemeanors.
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At the shallow end of the spectrum, you have hundreds of thousands of registered sex offenders who engaged in behaviors like: urinating in a public park at 2:00am, or slapping someone’s butt at a bar while everyone was drunk, or calling someone “sugar t*ts.”
Currently, there is NO DISTINCTION in society between these types of crimes. Everyone is just a sex offender and someone to be shunned at least and killed at best. I never really thought about it until I was casually tossed into the middle of those roaring fires of hate.
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tl;dr The takeaway here is that there are definitely classes of sex offenses, that psychologists are having huge success at rehabilitating every class of offender, and that my life continues to be straight bonkers.
@xvarnah Understood haha. I know that feeling. And no, you weren‘t entitled to respond. Forgetting to respond happens to me too sometimes. Usually how I remember is when I go through my Notifications and I think “I‘m forgetting something.“ I then keep looking through them till I get to what I forgot. It‘s not very effective if you have over 70 notifications a day and little time or patience.
Also @xvarnah, I hope this doesn‘t sound wrong but, I‘m a female and I‘m ok if you address me as her/she =^·^= “Them/they“ makes me misunderstand what you mean sometimes because I feel you‘re referring to someone else ^^
@jasonmon Ok. That sounds pretty effective. And yes, it makes sense lol.
You do have a point. Some users would take the time to read long comments,etc. I usually do if it‘s intriguing or directed at me.
Okay, now I'm the one spamming comments haha
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Just a little update for you guys: my appointment today was just to tell me to come in on January 8th *eyeroll* I really want to get this stuff done so I can go back to the Virgin Islands.
That‘s ok, @jasonmon
I hate when people do that lol. It‘s like putting so much effort in getting ready on time to attend a meeting, only to be told “didn‘t you hear? It‘s been moved to next week..“
I wish they‘d send a message across informing everyone, rather making them come all the way only to be told it wasn‘t holding till next year.
Hopefully, you‘ll get things done soon enough. It‘s a delay but I trust things will work out just good
@aviva Thanks for that :) This might sound dumb but part of my restrictions are not engaging in friendships with females under 18, so sorry if I seem distant and don’t address you directly very often. I’m normally a friendly, inclusive person but right now I have to pretend everything I say is on record, at a trial, in court. You’re great but I don’t want there to be any question of me not complying with the government's requests, no matter how absurd.
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@xvarnah I haven't said this yet but THANK YOU for all your input in my situation. I know it’s a weird, emotional ride. Your words have been extremely well thought-out and interesting for me. That said, I don’t want you to feel like you need to keep engaging. I mean, if something I said is way out of line or, on the flip side, extremely interesting, I’d love to hear it. But I understand that we both use funsubstance as a fun escape, and this conversation is a rough one. We can stop any time :)
@jasonmon it's actually interesting to me being able to talk to you about it. Which makes me sound like a scientist in a labcoat peering at you down a microscope on some level, buuuut x)
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Like I've said (at some point, somewhere on this site, to someone... maybe it was you, who knows), I've talked to guys who have been victims of false accusations, and guys who have been victim of assault (usually at the hands of a female). But often not in super great length. And also, usually not in great depth. Most of them the event happened, didn't escalate to police involvement, and the guys just accept that they're okay now, so there's no sense getting in a huff about it. And I mean there's nothing fundamentally wrong with that. I'd certainly never push anyone to take steps they feel unnecessary or that might make them uncomfortable in the long run.
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But it's still good to be able to hear from someone who DID have their situation escalate, what that meant for them, and how they're handling it
Don't get discouraged if it takes me a bit to respond, it just means I'm thinking or busy. Or caught fire, but that's wayyyyyy less likely than the other options.
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Tbh, as messed up as your story is, I don't find talking about it overly depressing-- provided it's not bothering you. Honestly a lot of the other posts I've seen today (I woke myself up spilling a glass of milk all over the entire country (or just my floor and I'm exaggerating) at some ungodly hour) have been more disgruntling to me than talking about this is. Maybe because they feel like unjustified and unnecessary drama, and this actually has a point and a purpose and isn't entirely negative despite it's content?
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Idk. Either way-- I literally grew up watching forensic files (by choice), so you don't need to worry about disturbing me. I'm enjoying hearing your side of things. And hopefully being able to talk it out some with neutral parties is a good experience for you, too
Side note: I now realize I could totally have probably responded to a decent chunk of your comment in the time I spent writing this lol
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@aviva well jasonmon can attest-- I do suck at the pronoun game haha. I'll try to keep that in mind when I respond in the future, though. Wasn't trying to confuse you :)
@jasonmon That doesn‘t sound dumb. I completely understand. I noticed and I figured that must have been the reason. I‘ll stay clear of whatever, if that‘s what you‘re asking. I do not in any way want to cause you any complications.
@xvarnah Oh, that‘s fine lol. Usually, I ask “how do I address you please?“ if I‘m not sure. One of my biggest problems was knowing how to address an adult. Some women feel like you‘re saying they‘re old when addressed as “Ma‘am.“ Some feel embarrassed when you call them “Miss or Ms.“ if they are well in their 40s and not in any relationship. Some find it rude to be addressed by their first or last name. It‘s really broad if you look at it.
P.S: I‘m speaking from the angle of the females since I am one, and that‘s what I had experienced from a few that I know very well, and not.
I was told that it‘s rude to many people to ask an elderly person how they are doing.
@aviva Now that I said all that on record, I think it's fine for you to stay in the discussion as long as it is interesting to you. Thanks for understanding the general rules I'm following, though.
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Speaking to your other point, I learned via waiting tables that it's safest to address every girl as "Ms," regardless of her age. It makes older women feel younger and it makes younger women feel all grown up and official in a way.
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@xvarnah Sorry about your starting your day with a bunch of spilled milk! :/ I'm glad this subject isn't too crazy for you; I respect your opinion quite a bit. You didn't tell me that you'd spoken with other guys about the same kinds of things but I did see the thread where you mentioned it.
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You guys are the first total strangers I've shared this with. It feels weird to be talking about it, but I appreciate you guys listening and giving your feedback.
-deep breath-
@jasonmon
Well, first off kudos to your dedication to my spam. Although telling me you find it interesting is no way to discourage me from increasing the length of my comments x)
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Two side notes in relation to what you said, that aren't really important but just to make sure we're all on the same page-- I did know jail and prison were different, with prison usually being the more extreme of the two. I tend to use the terms interchangeably just because it's simple for me haha
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Other side note: I didn't mean to infer I didn't know why you had brought up the 17 and 18 year old as an example-- the connection was crystal clear to me. I was just saying I'd been thinking about that scenario before we started talking about it, and so it was an interesting coincidence.
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All that said, I'm not saying this because your explanations bothered me even a little or anything. This is literally just me explaining that I understood what you meant, not saying that I found what you explained unnecessary or off-putting. Hopefully that makes sense.
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Either way the elaboration on the 17 and 18 year old story was worth reading. Although somehow I figured the girlfriend's parent was probably involved. Its sad that that seems predictable. :/ it takes a special amount of cruelty and viciousness to treat another human being in that manner. And for some reason (maybe because they're more commonly victims, I really don't know) society is far more interested in protecting girls than boys in these scenarios. Not that it sounds like she even needed protecting, but I guarantee if a guy had been dating an 18 year old girl the parents didn't like, sex crime wouldn't have even been mentioned.
And even if it was, the chances of anything coming from it are microscopic compared to a male. And likely what they'd suffer in jail or prison, or even in society after, would be less than what a boy in the same scenario would.
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Actually! Only sort of related but before I forget, I'm curious if you've heard about the Amy Schumer thing where she attempted to "have sex with" a guy who was drunk out of his mind.
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Anyway, back on track. Hopefully at some point in the future someone will be able to look at this guy's case and say "this isn't right." Maybe get it expunged. Far too little far too late, but maybe he'll be able to salvage part of his life. There's absolutely no reason all sex crimes should be classified the same. Not that peeing is even a sex crime (usually...), but that should not even be in the running for a sex crime, and situations like this should not be anywhere near on par with deliberately raping someone. (This kind of touches on a point you make later as well)
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It's also beyond ridiculous that you, having never been found guilty of the sex crime, would be expected to take counselling. I get it if someone is found guilty, but you weren't.
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I hope the classes go okay for you, anyway-- I'm sure you will breeze through them. Maybe you can use them for some positives-- see what they're teaching, how people are reacting to it? I'm not sure. It's not ideal, but it could still be useful toward your end goal in the long run
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Tbh, I'm not sure if you're just summarizing or not, if so then that's not so bad, but if that's their view on the entire sexual assault cycle they have a very narrow start point, and a very limited understanding of nature vs nurture. Yes, being lonely can be part of it, but not all assailants are. And some participate in gang rapes. Some rapes (not all) are random, and, while most assailants know the victims ahead of time, some of the assailants have no contact with the victim ahead of time. Some are sociopaths.
Some are lonely and develop an unrelenting hatred towards women. Some deliberately climb to positions of power so they can have easy access to their victims.the list of whys and what's goes on and on
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So I sincerely hope that, as psychologists, they're taking this into account, otherwise they're equal parts dangerous and useful in what they're attempting.
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That's also a very good analogy with the house. The relative of mine that was in prison was handed all the tools to avoid drugs (except their parole officer was a moron), and yet within a few years it was revealed they started doing them again. And it's not an uncommon story. People don't change unless they want to, and it's a constant effort.
I think offenders are SUPPOSED to be kept away, but some still find ways to get around those. And they don't always get caught. Even if they do, the damage may already be done. (Case in point: the girl who keeps trying to contact you. Even though you're technically the "offender," she was not supposed to have any Internet and definitely not allowed to contact you.)
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It's tricky, like I said. I know some people on here suffered some horrific abuse at the hands of people, and I am not even sure how some of them would feel talking about advocating for their assailants on any level. Even if it meant that person would never commit a crime again. And I can't really blame them in a lot of their scenarios. Their lives were impacted in ways that can never be undone. I guess I'm a bit on the fence in that I'm okay leaving some of them to rot in prison, as dark as that may sound. But I don't think all of them deserve that fate.
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Yes, there have been several posts addressing the difference between BEING a paedophile, and ACTING on being a paedophile, and being someone who had sex with a minor. And technically it's correct. And a lot of people have said (and I don't disagree) that THINKING about it isn't a crime. But it can be dangerous, and people who do think about it need to seek help. A lot of them won't because of the stigma. Instead they'll seek support groups or pro-pedophila advocating groups, and at that point it's just bordering on a lost cause
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And, no, you didn't mention that conversation before I don't think. What happened?
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Tbh, and I'm sure a lot of people will get upset if I say this, but I think a lot of people overreact sometimes. Not ALWAYS, but sometimes. If I called sexual assault everyone someone spoke on that level to or around me, the entire last place I worked would have been placed under arrest almost, not to mention various random men throughout the years. Everyone has the right to feel safe and respected, but not every vulgar comment should be treated as rape. If nothing else, it undermines the entire system.
Also, that's annoying as hello about the meeting. They couldn't have put that in a letter or a phone call? Is this what they're putting their resources into? Fake meetings that don't actually take place? :s maybe I'm missing something in this grand scheme of theres.
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I hope the next one goes better. :/ or actually, y'know, happens. No wonder the bloody course takes 6 months
@aviva tbh I find it very annoying when people get offended if I call them by the wrong pronoun. Like I didn't show up just to screw up your entire life by saying the wrong word here, we're all just out here doing our best, now kindly calm the frick down and if you can manage that I'll call you what you like. <_<
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That usually doesn't go over well, so I pretty much don't say things like ma'am or sir haha. Even when I was in retail, it was always just no pronoun at all.
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-exhales- phew
@jasonmon oh I see how it is! Just when I thought I was done you snuck another comment in there! <.< :p
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it's okay haha. I managed to spill two bowls of cereal and a glass of milk within the span of an hour in the same spot once.
-shrug- as the saying goes: no sense crying over it haha. At least not today :p
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Tbh, I used to know a mortician.
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(Disturbing content so possibly be aware)
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She told me once about having a vagina in a bucket that had been removed from a girl who had, literally, been gang-raped to death. I think she bled to death from it. They had to keep her vagina even after releasing the body for burial because it was considered evidence.
(End explicit content).
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So at this point I've heard a decent amount of disturbing things. I'm fortunate to not have SEEN a lot of them (outside of TV), so there's that.
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Well it hasn't been a long list of guys, thankfully. I'm not really going to get into what they said (one guy it was barely more than a few sentences and a shrug) because they're not my stories to tell. But it does alarm me that it seems to be so common. *maybe* (i really don't know) not as common as women being harassed, but far more common than I think most people realize
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Still, I'm glad you've been able to talk about it some, even if it does feel weird. I've said it repeatedly now, but your story is important, and it's worth talking about and hearing it
@jasonmon just a head's up, the bots are edging into adult content again. No direct porn yet or explicit nudity, but there is an anime post at the end of oral sex on the front page, so who knows where they're drawing from.
Thank you! I have reported two or three today. If it keeps up, I'll have to bounce :/ I'll get in trouble if it involves graphic descriptions of, or pictures/video/audio of, sex acts. So far, I'm in the clear but I don't want to feel like I'm tempting fate.
@jasonmon Ok, understood. And duly noted.
@xvarnah Oh lol. I understand what you mean. They don‘t need to make a fuss about it.
And sorry about my late response. My life got busier
Indeed. I reported that bot, and several others over the last week or so. Hard to tell if it's effective or not. :/ idk how strict your rules are, also-- like I said there was no explicit nudity, but you could tell the guy was naked and exactly what had been going on.
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So far Zeus hasn't responded to any of the times I've summoned him either. Wish they hadn't harassed him so much-- we might have stood a chance of getting some help. :/
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@aviva no worries haha
@jasonmon so bethorien and pokethebear are having a... "discussion" that's kind of along these lines on a post. It's much more hostile than this one has been. I made a few comments but I'm thinking I'll step back at this point, but idk if you'd have any interest in just seeing what their perspectives are:
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https://m.funsubstance.com/fun/505304/me-kill-a-mockingbird-too/?last_comment=3054924#comment3054924
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Keep in mind you're not even a little bit obligated to read any of it, I'm just throwing it out there as an optioni
Alright, here we go:
I hadn’t heard about Amy Schumer. Wow, I just looked it up and here is what I understand: It was at 8am, a guy she liked (but who didn’t like her that way) called her to his place and she saw he was drunk. She engaged in various forms of sexual intercourse with him while he was slipping in and out of consciousness. If the genders were reversed, I feel like she could really go away for a looong time, and she’d almost certainly be a sex offender.
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When it comes to the sexual assault cycle that I mentioned above, I am definitely summarizing. Also, I only talked about the cycle related to statutory situations. I think? I haven’t started the class yet, so I am not sure exactly what shape it’ll take. I do know that actual full-blown pedophilia can be addressed in counseling as well. It apparently takes years, or maybe a lifetime, of counseling. But, for the first time in human history, people with that mental disorder have options.
When I was in the federal prison in NV, I was “cellies” with a guy named WT. WT is a pedophile serving a life sentence. At first, the guards kicked the sh*t out of him and fed him to the worst people in prison. Then they decided to throw him in the hole for the rest of his life. He was there for sixteen months before he tried to kill himself the first time. I wouldn’t have lasted 10% of that time; I have no idea how WT hung on for so long in there. It’s now illegal to keep someone in the hole as a replacement for Protective Custody, thanks to WT’s suicide attempts and legal action than ensued; at least, according to WT. Now every federal prison has a PC wing for people that can’t walk mainline – e.g. SOs and dropouts (gang dropouts; not school dropouts.) Either one of those types of people will be hurt or killed on sight in any prison’s General Population. But dropouts will kill SOs on sight as well, so you need to have guards that control “politics” properly.
But dropouts will kill SOs on sight as well, so you need to have guards that control “politics” properly. But a good portions of guards don’t really get in trouble when inmates are raped or beaten or killed, so that’s fun. The inmates themselves kind of organize and stick together to keep politics down.
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(This paragraph might be upsetting to some. Skip it if you need to, okay?) When I was in Nevada, I asked WT why the h*ck he thought little boys were interesting. He said he’s not a homosexual at all. He only likes grown women and little boys – men and little girls were totally unattractive to him. He said little boys have a “perfect femininity” that was irresistible. (BLAAAHHHH. I don’t even know if an emoji exists that can adequately communicate my revulsion, hearing it then or typing it now 0.0) He said that he was just having fun and the boys were too, and them being sexual with an older male didn’t hurt them later in life; they can be doctors and lawyers, etc.
(Still scary.... keep skipping)
I could not argue him out of his stance at all. It’s CLEARLY PROVEN that sexual contact as a child is a horrible detriment to a human, but he didn’t agree at all. At one point, he said he was most sad he’d never get out again and see his wife and his children. He said that if they let him out of prison for a second, he’d disappear and book it to Norway because he has photographer friends there (he was a photographer.) He said he’d get a little place for himself and his family, and open a studio, and start a new, quiet life. And then find a new batch of little boys…. I was like, SERIOUSLY?? You’d do that again, even though you’ve been in prison for years because of it? He said he would, enthusiastically. This is when I realized how deep his illness when: that he didn’t care about any consequences and he didn’t want to be better.
(Scary part over)
Some people really do need to be out of society. It’s too bad because WT was intelligent and entrepreneurial and avuncular and hilarious and driven. He had everything you’d expect of someone who is a well-rounded, fully-actualized person. He scares me more than anyone else I met in my little magical tour of The Worst People Ever. I think WT is the archetype of what many people think of as a pedophile sex offender.
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It saddens me so much that sexual assault is a thing that happens, and it kills me that some offenders will chronically reoffend. I absolutely don’t agree with treating everyone who messes up as someone who is determined to be a life-long offender, callously destroying lives of their victims like WT. I am glad that the justice system is aware of the possibility of these predatory individuals and has in place steeply exponential punishments for reoffenders, but it kills me (and you, I’m sure) that “reoffending” means something so intensely destructive for
a new victim :’(
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But, again, the price of utterly obliterating the lives of people anywhere on the SO spectrum, except as the very worst offenders, has to be taken in to account. Society can’t just lock an offender away forever and never trust them again if that person slapped someone’s butt or peed in a park. That would be insanity.
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For the most part, sex offenses have been getting heavier and heavier minimum punishments. With how things are today, I feel like it would be political suicide to advocate for a more rational stance on this; to advocate for less harsh sentences on sex offenders. There are some states that are finally doing away with permanent registrations and living restrictions after it became clear that this crap was hurting society more than it was helping. It turns out that if you treat someone like a criminal and take away any chance they have, that person will be at a much higher risk to reoffend.
Switching gears, your bucket story will stay with me for a while! I should have stopped reading but curiosity got the better of me. How sad! If you like morbid stuff, you might like the book Working Stiff by Judy Melinek. She’s a mortician and she writes about her work in New York City from ‘99 to ‘01. It’s crazy.
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I totally agree with you that just about everyone would be a sex offender if every comment and innuendo got reported. Lol
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Thanks for the head’s up on the other thread. I assumed the “discussion” would spiral into madness like usual, but guest_ came along and saved it with some good points. Would you guys mind terribly if I linked to this discussion, or at least @tagged guest_ here?
It was perfect when guest_ explained calmly and lucidly how the justice system worked AND then said, “In the taking of a life, we have manslaughter, murder, and carrying degrees to differentiate intent and specifics of the crimes. In sex crimes we pretty much only have one nail for the gavel of Justice to use wether it’s hanging a picture or a house. THAT is the discussion that needs had.”
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Emotions and personal experiences aside, that’s basically on of my big points is in this whole mess. It's hard to think about something like the SO scale in a detached, subjective way but it helps everyone if the justice system can figure out that happy medium where punishments and rehabilitations are used to benefit all of society.
I'm gonna respond to the rest later (if I don't someone tag me because chances are I thought I responded and then didn't realize) but @jasonmon -- feel free to tag whoever you want to this thread! I briefly considered dragging guest_ over here (I drag them around to random places sometimes and they respond when they see fit) since they usually have insightful things to say (though I will admit to occasionally getting lost in their responses... ironic considering the length of my own :p). Nothing I've said here bothers me if people see-- to me, this is more YOUR story, and so who you feel comfortable involving is more important to me than the rest of it.
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You may have to give guest_ the heads up on what this is all about, though!
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But yeah, I just wanted to let you know right away that you can tag anyone you want. I'm not sure if Aviva is still with us
@Jasonmon heads up, there is a post entitled "Started at the top now we here" (it's after a post that has a plane or something in it) that starts simple enough but if you scroll down it proceeds to a girl's naked ass sticking out of a onesie, and a few follow up pics
@jasonmon I'm decently tired atm, so hopefully this comes out coherent :p
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Yes, I know! And I know you're focused more on the offender and falsely accused, but it seemed semi relevant. She actually goes into some detail about the whole thing and I guess used it as part of one of her jokes and it's just disgusting all around. And I feel like this leeches over into the offender side of things-- the female party often gets off far easier for the same offences commited by a male, or foists all the blame on a male accomplice entirely. And it likely carries on after prison ends. It seems so imbalanced.
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Okay, I figured you probably were summarizing, but I've seen people with incredibly narrow viewpoints in positions of education before and you just never know. A lot of full blown disorders can be addressed if conditions are right... but not all. And some people need constant supervision, which is not a reality that can be enforced outside of a control environment.
Still, thought crimes are not something people should ever be held accountable for. There are, as you say, counselling, therapies, etc, plenty of other outlets where no one gets hurt.
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Sadly, as in your example with the guards, things like this can make people too nervous to actually seek help before they go over the edge.
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So were you and he in PC? Or did the guards throw him back out to the dogs?
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I honestly feel like guards (the honest ones) probably have one of the most difficult jobs in the world. I've seen what some of them go through, and even when they're not looking out for themselves, looking out for the criminals to protect them from each other is a fairly thankless job a lot of the time. Sorry, got off track.
WT sounds like he has an extremely low ability to empathize and is very much in denial. He is projecting the reasonings of an adult on a person he is fully aware he can manipulate and physically control (a child), and then excusing his actions by lying to himself about the outcome. Perhaps this is some sub-conscious power trip for him. Additionally, it sounds like he's also in denial about his family. Unless they're still in active contact with him, in which case I feel social services should definitely be investigating the mother, regardless of whether he claims to be attracted to his children or not, to make certain she's not encouraging or actively engaged in any of these delusions.
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Oddly, paedophilia is far from "new," and was even an accepted part of several cultures for some time. I'm not sure if it qualifies as a mental disorder a lot of the time or not. It's a compulsion, not an addiction. Usually there seem to be other things at work as well.
But it's definitely not as uncommon as we seem to like to believe.
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Oddly the things you describe in WT are what you'd often see in a sociopath. Not that I'm saying WT is one, I'm fairly certain he doesn't fit the bill, but he is not an somewhat normal-but-trying-to-stop-the-urges human being. He is, like a sociopath, a wolf in sheep's clothing. Charming to get what he wants, but fully intent on being a predator. And those likely are the more terrifying class of criminal, because on the surface, and even somewhat below, we can look at them, and see enough of ourselves to let our guards down.
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Unfortunately that's the catch. And it's why society is more often likely to look at someone who has offended once... and not give them a second chance. Unless they do get parole. And then I've discovered it becomes alarmingly simple for someone to lie and sneak and slip through the cracks. I doubt it's much different in the US.
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There has to be a genuine effort displayed for anyone convicted to ask society to gamble on them. Or, rather, there SHOULD be. Money is often a factor. Sometimes just overburdened systems.
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It probably would be political suicide. That hasn't stopped Trump, however. And I'm fairly convinced the guy he defended was lying. So there does seem to be wiggle room. But, again, to get any kind of ground work would take several years. And the thing is, with more and more "me too" people stepping forward, we're now seeing more and more false accusations. Which is a disgustingly depressing statistic, but not unexpected. Political suicide or not, eventually something will have to change. Doing away with permanent sentences is a start.
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I think par tof the issue is that they've never fully sat down and really gone over the sexual side of the legal system, in it's entirety and properly. The entire thing started late, was often misinterpreted, left out way too much, and is just outdated. It wasn't that long ago that the only definition of rape was a penis being forcibly inserted into a vagina. Anyone reading that now can see just how limiting a viewpoint that is. The entire system needs an overhaul, on both sides-- for the victims and for the prosecuted. It's not even doing it's best currently-- it's just doing SOMETHING, and we're all well aware what it's doing isn't enough. But we accept it because "what else can we do? At least we're not in India or Brazil."
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Sorry about that! Often when I'm talking about things like this my brain will go into a very analytical mode, and it doesn't get emotionally upset very easily like that, so I'm never sure what will impact other people I tried to give enough warning, but maybe the story should have been excluded entirely...
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I'm not sure if I like the morbid or not haha. I guess some part of me might. Yeesh. New York though? I imagine it must be brutal. :/ I've never heard of her before. Also, only kind of off topic, but have you seen mind hunter on Netflix? Or read the book of the same name? Curious, because they both follow a similar premise to what you've mentioned (the book was actually written by an FBI agent, the show is just based on it). It's to do with one of the original FBI agents to truly sit down with offenders and try and get inside the mindset of how they got the way they are and what they do. The show ofc is set up to be a drama, but you may (or may not) find either of them interesting
As for the other comment chain, Yeah, I was kind of disappointed, because I was initially intrigued to see what the viewpoints were, but they got so heated it just kind of became over the top. Which is part of what makes these things so difficult to make progress on, but we knew that from the start. I'm glad you got to see guest_'s points though. They usually offer a fairly level scope of what's being discussed
@aviva tbh sometimes it's hard to get into the Christmas spirit. I try and do things that keep it in focus, but some years it's more difficult than others. Are you okay at least?
@xvarnah, I appreciate the head's up about the front page; I'll avoid it. I reported the first one but I'll stay clear of the rest for a while. I'm going to dig up the link to my story again and tag guest_ soneday soon lol. And I'll hit you back in the next little bit with the next dramatic installment haha
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Life talk: this is my first year in a while where I'm actually in a cold latitude for Christmas, so I'm personally in an extra-Christmassy spirit. It's not as great as Canada like you @xvarnah, but it's still pretty wintery. Hopefully, @aviva, your life will calm down and you'll get in a magical holiday spirit this week too..
@jasonmon I reported the other image as well. So far nothing too edgy has been posted since then. Haha it's becoming like a saga! The way you worded it made me think of some TV announcer being like "will Jason ever get justice? Will the courses ever start? Is law enforcement going to get its act together? Tune in next week to find out!"
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Aw that's great. :) tbh I've never been anywhere warm for Christmas. I was in California nearish to Christmas and saw people dressing up palm trees and stuff and it both was cute and made me insanely melancholy because my brain just thought "no no no that's not right at ALL." I don't know, I guess I'm one of those people that just loves snow and a bit of chill around Christmas. It makes the decorations seem that much brighter and warmer. Hopefully you get the same kind of vibe this year despite all the crap going on in your life
@xvarnah Dr_ew thread? And thank you. Well that‘s true lol. I haven‘t seen any squirrel or pigeon posts lately.
Heads up, @jasonmon There‘s a post about masturbation with a picture of a naked woman on the ‘All‘ page
Hi guys! Man, it took me a minute to get through my notifications and find this thread again. I haven’t been close to my laptop for the last week so I couldn’t get the link to the story until now. I fixed the link again, and tagged a couple more people. I hope you guys had a good Christmas! Mine was fun; I got a bird feeder, so now I don’t have to put piles of bird seed on the ground every day :) The neighborhood birds are loving it.
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Also, THANK YOU both for telling me when porn-type stuff gets posted. I now check my notifications before I look at posts.
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To answer your questions, I wasn’t in protective custody for the first two weeks (in St. Thomas), but I was for the rest of the time.
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I can’t imagine what it would be like to be a prison guard. On a good day, it would be like waiting tables for the dumbest, meanest, loudest guests on earth. On a bad day, you’d be dodging fists and feces while everyone is yelling. No freaking thanks.
WT was definitely a sociopath. He was on anti-psychotic drugs and he would get a little crazy if he was late getting them. He is exactly what you would think of as a wolf in sheep’s clothing, smiling at you to get what he wants. Here is the definition: Psychopaths and sociopaths share a number of characteristics, including a lack of remorse or empathy for others, a lack of guilt or ability to take responsibility for their actions, a disregard for laws or social conventions, and an inclination to violence. A core feature of both is a deceitful and manipulative nature. I don’t think he would be violent, but everything else describes him exactly.
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One of my friends just suggested Mind Hunter! I typically avoid that stuff but I think I’d be interested in it now.
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I didn’t mind the bucket story! I am just freaked out and saddened that stuff like that goes down :/
I like the idea of an overhaul to the system with regards to sex offenses. The laws we have reflect an older time. Most of the laws have different “shades” where you can apply a less serious or a more serious version on a case by case basis. I would say fully 80% of the people I met were in monogamous, consensual, loving relationships with people a little bit under 18 when they were a little bit over 18. Each one of their lives have been ruined because of it, and that seems rough. The #1 problem is kids sending naked pictures of themselves to their lovers; that act triggers an automatic 15 years in Federal prison with no possibility of early release for the recipient. It’ll be less time if the case is handled at the State level. I feel like it wouldn’t be totally unreasonable to come up with a less insane punishment in cases of a consensual trading of nudes, or dropping the definition of 18 as the age of a minor by a year or two. The same types of laws exist in Canada, Australia, and
and across Europe, where the age of consent is 14-16.
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This change would save justice systems huge effort and expense, but I don’t know why the laws are staunchly protected across the world. Is it because it would be political suicide to drop the definition of an adult to 16, or would there be some unintended consequence that I don’t know? Maybe governments are worried about 16-year-olds voting or not finishing school, or maybe there would be some way for predators to exploit adolescents in the 16 to 18 age group. I have no idea. I’m off-topic, but my point is there’s a horrifying amount of wasted money and ruined lives because adulthood starts at 18 instead of 16. I doubt my story can do much in that regard; it just bothers me that, from my narrow point of view, this arbitrary law seems to be doing more harm than good in today’s society.
@aviva just realized I never responded to you. I was referring to the thread where we (you, me, Dr Richard ew) were all saying sorry about everything.
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@jasonmon no worries haha. It's been a busy week for me anyway. Coincidentally enough I got my uncle one of those saucers to catch bird seed for Christmas :p I'm glad yours was good! :)
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No worries! Like I said I'm not entirely sure what qualifies as pornographic for those rules set for you, so sometimes I'm not sure if I should warn you or not. Anything blatant, though, it's become a two step process: report, and then come tag you haha. I almost feel like I should make a post and anytime something alarming is posted I can just tag you there and if you see it's been tagged you know automatically to be en guard.
I half expected to hear that sex offenders are automatically put in PT (<- unrelated but I've realized I have a tendency to automatically associate this abbreviation with the silent hill-esque horror game of the same initials rather than protective custody). A rule that I'd expect would occasionally get "ignored." But I imagine you actually have to apply to get it.
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It's interesting how criminals can commit really heinous crimes but still have a code of conduct. Like "sure, maybe I killed an entire family while their children watched, but at least I'm not the same scum who raped a woman in an alley." I mean, it makes sense if you think of it more because everyone has a code of ethics, and a concept of what they believe would be the worse or more "pathetic" crime. It's just kind of surreal when it comes to light.
Yeah. I actually know a guy who works in a prison or jail or something. You definitely have to have the right stomach and mindset for it. And it is hardly a wonder sometimes that some of the guards become "corrupted." I mean some start that way, but I mean more the ones who go in intending to do go, and just get beaten down by the constant abuse and stress until they snap.
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Then again, some would argue that's also how we end up with a good portion of criminals in the first place.
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Not that anybody brought it up but I'm curious since you've been on the inside what your perspective is on having female guards at male prisons and male guards at female prisons
Well he certainly sounds like one. But classification for it gets complicated after awhile. I think they even changed it so now it's "antisocial personality disorder" or something. Which seems like an entirely unnecessary thing to be devoting time to, but someone clearly thought it was important so there we go.
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Either way, I've honestly wondered on occasion if one of my relatives is one or not. She likely isn't, but she certainly has a lot of the characteristics. Dealing with people like that is exhausting, and I couldn't imagine being surrounded by them day in and day out. Not that every criminal in the prisons is one, but I'm sure there's a decent percentage. Being surrounded by toxic people wears you down, and it's kind of amazing you came out of it without absorbing so much of the negativity.
Mind Hunter is a decent series. It's definitely an embellished work that's only based on reality, but it still gives you insight into that world. One of the actors who plays one of the criminals is the exact definition of a wolf in sheep's clothing, and his portrayal is oddly captivating. I haven't read the books but I imagine they got into more detail about the crimes, the interviews, the killers themselves.
I did forget that there are some sex scenes in the series though. Not like xxx rated or anything, but typical Netflix level sex, so I'm not sure if that would be a problem. You could always fastforward them mind you.
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Either way, the guy it's about was one of the key figures in criminal profiling. I believe a lot of the interviews in the show are based on the actual interviews with the criminals as well (they recorded most of their interviews with criminals).
Keep in mind it is like WT level criminals for the most part. The crimes are definitely in the macabre genre. No garden variety. Not that they show many of them (so far) for the most part it's talked about. But some of them will likely make the bucket story seem very tame.
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Indeed. We live in a very sick world sometimes. I think that's part of why people get so lost in the justice system. How do you deliver justice for crimes like that? What's fair for the criminal and the victim? How does society even begin to deal with this kind of diseased occurrence?
an overall is likely the only solution. Although that always opens up loopholes that criminals can't wait to exploit. I think that's why the sentences are so heavy for those crimes involving minors-- because if people know if they can get the minor to say "but I WANTED to send those to him/her" then they can get away with quite a few heinous activities more or less Scot free. Which leaves the actual people that you're referring to out to dry with very little recourse. I'm not sure how we set up the justice system to protect minors and prevent things like this from happening at the same time. Have you had any thoughts on how to go about it?
Tbh I don't think 16 year olds should be considered adults because almost every 16 year old I've ever known is fairly inept at making any kind of decision regarding their life. There is legal emancipation as an option for those who are capable, but the vast majority are usually not. It also opens them up to a great deal of exploitation from various industries (porn and such amongst them). I think maybe there needs to be an additional law that allows people ages 16-19 to be with partners of the same age range or something without fear of backlash. It gives a little wiggle room at the very least
I'll reply more thoroughly later, but you're right about that aspect of 16 year olds. I didn't even think about porn. That would be horrifying and potentially extremely exploitive. To stay true to my intent, I guess I'd suggest a Romeo and Juliet style law saying if you're in a romantic relationship with someone close to your age and they're a minor, you can posses pictures of them for only you to view. You couldn't post them or show them around.
@xvarnah Oh lol. That‘s ok.
@jasonmon No worries.
My apologies to you both if I‘m too quiet. I keep telling myself I‘ll come back and read it but then it gets swallowed up by other notifications
Haha it happens to the best of us. Or I'll click it too early and not be ready to respond and then the notification goes unbold and I forget to come back
@jasonmon not sure how bad this would be, but there's a post called "*hacker voice* I'm in" that has a woman lightly slapping her butt.... However the gif is entirely made out of random text characters. So maybe it's not so bad idk. Either way it's not behind a filter, so if you see that title be aware
@jasonmon head's up-- if you're scrolling through (it's not on the front page), there is a post about Aquaman movie. Directly below it is a post that's got a bunch of women's asses and such. They're not completely naked but I imagine it could be troublesome. Post isn't behind a filter and is called "title."
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Side note @aviva as well: I was coming here to warn, and I realized this comment chain is now over 160 comments long.
@aviva it's not a bad thing haha. Just something I noticed. I imagine it's intimidating to anyone Jason tagged though haha.
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@jasonmon I think the exact number was 163 but that was before any of us posted anyything again haha
Hi! I have so much to update you guys on, if you're interested. Also, it's sweet that you're both talking to pbachman1. I would normally jump in but I don't want it to seem shady. If you want, feel free to point her to sunflowers' post about mental health resources online:
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https://m.funsubstance.com/fun/507945/slurp-up-that-delicious-mental-health/
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And @xvarnah, you're right - this entire comment thread would be intimidating to any sane person haha I can see why people wouldn't have jumped in when I tagged them.
@jasonmon heads up: nsfw post. The girl looks like she's wearing normal clothes at first but her jeans have no crotch and her left nipple is exposed. Post is called "truth lol" and is below a post about WiFi puns.
@jasonmon it's okay haha I figured either you were going to respond, or had just gotten busy.
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In regards to pbachman I'm not sure how your responses would be shady, but irregardless it's not obligational. She has received a lot of positive feedback (some from our resident @aviva) already and it seems to have helped some
@jasonmon also I just found this on the web:
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"The Tackling Violent Crime Act raises the legal age of sexual consent in Canada to 16 from 14, the first time it has been raised since 1892. But the law includes a "close-in-age exception," meaning 14- and 15-year-olds can have sex with someone who is less than five years older."
Okay, getting back to this stuff! :)
@aviva I keep meaning to ask you – you’re skittles, right? When you joined, I decided that’s who you were and never questioned it but I realized I’ve never seen it come up.
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@xvarnah Thanks again (both of you) for the head’s up on the questionable posts. I’ve started my class now and they want me to log every time something like that comes up and what my reaction was (ie did I drop everything and stare at it or did I move along to the next thing), so they’re more tolerant than I thought. But they also want me to log any interaction where a minor female is involved specifically if I am telling her she’s pretty for some reason or trying to help her in any way while she might be emotionally vulnerable. They’re much less tolerant about that, which is why I felt like I couldn’t help pbachman1 on that chat the other day.
Only five more months until I don’t ever have to think about junk like this again, and I can just be my normal, nice, helpful self!
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I want to talk about my class because it’s bonkers. I do it in a few paragraphs, but first, I’ll respond to the stuff you had asked about a few weeks ago:
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In prison, criminals definitely have a hierarchy. It’s collectively referred to as “politics.” You get asked for paperwork (your list of charges/convictions) right away. If you don’t have it, everyone assumes you’re at the bottom of the pecking order as a sex offender or, even worse, a snitch. You’ll sometimes get a day or two to produce something but at that point you should just forget it and get in to protective custody. It’s not worth dying. PC is annoying because you are excluded from all the fun stuff, like being in a bigger Yard at rec time and having more people to talk to and more books to choose from.
In some cases, you also can’t participate in work crews or jobs at the prison like cooking or cleaning. Those will earn you time off of the end of your sentence (which you can use, depending on the facility and type of work, to reduce your stay by up to 40%.)
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The top of the hierarchy is as follows: the top of the list are gang leaders. The higher you rank outside, the higher you rank inside. Then under them, you have regular gang members. The amount of power they have is directly proportional to the number of them in the facility. And under them, you have the general population. The GP is pretty much all drug offenders, DUIs, Assaults, Harassment, parole violation, etc.
Sex offenders are the next step down. They’re so low because every inmate has woman or child in their life that they’d want to protect from bad guys. Eliminating SOs in prison will make the world a safer place in the long run and then that makes you a good guy, right? There really are terrible guys out there, but there are so many shades of gray that a murder-them-all approach is maybe not the best way.
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Each facility where I was detained has a women’s section. They keep women separate from inmates, but obviously the guards will mix with the whole population. Each place had a healthy mix of male and female guards, and they were respected and feared equally. “Ducking” is a big no-no and it seems to happen a lot; it’s when the guards engage in sex with prisoners. One of the female guards in my last place was ducking with someone in my block. She would face serious prison time if she were found out.
But the inmates thought it was the funniest thing ever, and the kid she was having sex with is going to be in prison for a while after all his charges percolate through the system, so at least he was finding some human contact before his long journey into the abyss.
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Switching gears now: Canada seems like it has the right idea. 14-15 year olds definitely need to be protected. 16-17 year olds are trusted to make most decisions but are a little limited. Once you’re 18, you can do whatever you want. I think that’s the general direction things are heading everywhere but the most conservative places.
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People definitely get touched by the system. If someone is in for any amount of time, it can really leave a mark. I’m glad I had accidentally developed the right set of coping skillz before I went in.
So, we’re back to the present: my class has started and now I’m hanging out with eight guys who are fresh out of prison for committing various sex offenses. They are varying degrees of terrifying but at the end of the day they’re just a group of guys whose lives are ruined and who are trying to pick up the pieces as best they can. If I can offer an ear or a kind word to someone so someone else doesn’t get assaulted, then this is 100% worth it. For me to complete the class I have to go through eight chapters in a book called “Road to Freedom.” Along with that, I have to do several polygraph tests. Once I get through all that, I am free to leave Oregon and get back to my life far away. The lady in charge said she won’t let me do it faster than six months, so I guess I’m stuck until June. So far, I’ve done 3 chapters in two weeks and she hasn’t slowed me down yet. I’m just going to keep flying and hope for the best.
The first chapter is about addressing denial and the second one is about exploring one’s “deviant” sexual history. Both are full of really detailed and heartbreaking examples of situations that go the worst way. It’s hard to read. Then, you need to identify what the offenders did that was wrong in the situation that was described. There are handy “tips” in there too: If you see an intoxicated woman walking alone down a dark alley, don’t rape her! If you are alone with your four-year-old niece and she shows you affection, don’t molest her! … WTH. Thanks book; I don’t know what I’d do without your amazing tips!
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The second chapter ends with some interesting stuff about fantasies. Basically, the theory is if no one had any “deviant fantasies” then sexual offending would be eradicated. That’s something I’d never thought of before. These offenses can be stopped way before they’re committed. A lot of this is geared toward violent offenders and pedophiles.
They talk about why someone can get wired up to do bad things and how to break the cycle once someone has gone this route. From a totally objective point of view, it’s actually fascinating. Pedophiles usually had terribly abusive childhoods and associate fear with any adult, so they only feel safe with children. Violent offenders or flashers feel alone and rejected and terrified of letting someone close to them, and then start feeling entitled to sex. Those are both really dangerous and preventable paths to be taking. It would be amazing to get this information out to people who feel feelings like this but who haven’t hurt anyone yet.
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Chapter 3 gets in to some deep, weird psychotherapy regarding reconditioning yourself. You need to write out the most deviant fantasy you can come up with and then get a jug of ammonia.
You start reading the fantasy you wrote and, at the very first point you start feeling a tingle of arousal, pop the top off the jug and inhale deeply until you’re sick. Then, you need to read the fantasy again up to that same point, pop the top off the jug and inhale again. You are required to do it 20 times in a row, every day for 10-12 weeks. That will uncouple any arousal you had from the fantasy and you will start to associate pain with it instead. So, uh, this is going to suck. The person in charge already said I was a normal person in this regard, so I’m hoping I won’t have to do it very long? It seems a little draconian.
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I hope this is interesting stuff for you guys to read. I don’t want to be a bummer or freak you out. If you want, I can post more stuff that happens in the class or in the book. I’m in a pretty unique situation and this seems like a good use of my energy at the moment.
Well I wasn't actually planning on replying to this all tonight, but I got started and didn't stop haha
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Anyway, does this mean you no longer require a head's up? I'm fine either way-- warning you doesn't put me out at all, I'm just curious what you'd prefer.
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I guess it kind of makes sense they're more interested in HOW you react to adult sexual imagery as opposed to just forbidding you from seeing if .
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That also makes sense. And no worries about not responding to her-- I think she said she's 17 but that's pushing it. Tbh I didn't know if anyone would respond at all, I was just literally having no actual words pop into my head to try and help her, so I tried to get as many people involved that I thought might have some good insight as I could. No one was obligated to respond, and I figured you either didn't want to respond, had no new input to add, hadn't read the post, or just were unable to respond.
Logging every interaction seems like it would be difficult on the Internet. I'm not sure how they expect you to know every persons age and gender ahead of time. Either way, feel rest assured that I'm over 18 so any interactions you have with me are within your guidelines.
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Will your record be fully expunged in 5 months?
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Yeah, I know a bit about prison hierarchys. Not a LOT, but I've read peoples' accounts, seen a few TV shows, and had a relative or two in prison. Hardly makes me an expert but I have a basic feel for it. Seems it works just like they all say it does. And I know a lot of gang members actually take children's safety VERY seriously... which is ironic in a way.
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This is another one of those situations where on the one hand I see its unfair for people (especially wrongfully convicted people) to be punished an extra amount is because another criminal is harassing them. On the other hand, for the truly guilty, my mind also goes "I guess if you wanted yard time you shouldn't have raped that 5 year old until she was 16."
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As for the guards... that kind of bothers me. I genuinely don't think having opposite gender guards working with prisoners is a good idea. There's just too much room for abuse on both ends. You say this guard was having sex with a "kid," how old was he? Do you know?
Haha I don't know any more about the law, I was looking up age of consent for an unrelated conversation, and that popped up and I thought "oh, that's actually pretty much exactly what we were talking about." I still think it's Leary that technically a 14 year old can have sex with a 19 year old, but at least most boyfriend/girlfriend scenarios won't end up with an arrest out of spite
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What kind of coping skills do you mean?
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The guys are terrifying? Or the crimes they commuted are?
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It's weird they'd have you do polygraph tests given how unreliable they are. I guess desperate times, desperate measures. A lot of the worst ones become pretty well professional grade liars by that stage, so i imagine they use every tool they have and just hope for the best.
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Do they have any accommodations for you at least, or are you just expected to fend for yourself?
For some reason this is reminding me of those workplace safety videos they used to make classes take. I remember one teacher had us visit a website called "bloodylucky" where they show all these really extreme (staged) examples of things going wrong. Like one girl trying to get a shoe of off the top shelf in the storage room. She slips, but instead of just falling like a normal person, the shoebox hits the light job, shattering it, and she lands on the broken glass and you just see her lying there bleeding. Sorry, that was a tangent, but I imagine they're going to equal levels of extreme in some of the examples you have to read. I'm curious how the other guys are reacting to it, assuming they actually are guilty
The tips probably sound bizarre to us.. But then again we're reading them from the perspective of innocent adults who have never actually considered or taken part in those sorts of acts... I imagine the paedophile you mentioned earlier would need "don't molest him" tattooed pretty much on every surface of his skin before he even began to get the message
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I suppose if no one had deviant fantasies it wouldn't occur.. But I can't imagine I've ever met an adult who didn't have a fantasy that would in some way be considered deviant. I'm not sure how they intend to stop people from having thoughts
I was aware a lot of paedophiles had very bad upbringing. That's actually one of the things they start to "realize" in the Mind Hunter show-- how a lot of the serial killers targeting women had absentee fathers and very horrible relationships with their mothers. They end up both incredibly intimidated and resentful of women, while still desiring them and having no actual social skills to be able to accomplish getting them, so in the end they just lash out in horrific ways. Not that it excuses any of their behaviour (or applies to all of them), but knowing where behaviour at least partially comes from is one of the first steps to identifying it sooner, and preventing escalation.
So it's basically a Pavlovian training guide, except the dog is you, and you're training yourself to vomit at the thought of whatever your fantasy is. Tbh I'm not sure what they even expect you to fantasize about (you can share if you want but I'm not asking because that is definitely your business) considering you don't get off on any of this stuff in the first place. Or how they expect to know if anyone has actually DONE the ammonia sniffing.
Tbh this is very interesting to me. I haven't had a chance to actually talk with someone who's had your experience to this level. Hopefully that doesn't make you feel too much like a lab-rat, haha. I know I'll never be able to sympathize on any real level with people who do things like.. What Sunflowers went through. But I also think helping the people who can be helped is important, prevention is insanely important (and half the reason prisons even exist is supposed to be about prevention, so if we can find a way to improve it, it seems worth the effort) as is saving the innocent trapped on the wrong side
As a side note-- I remember you tagged some people awhile ago, and if you truly want their opinions on your story, you may want to consider opening a fresh chat for them. The 160 comment count might be intimidating to some of them, and it could be easier for them to read what you have to say without having to shuffle through my myriad responses haha. Just a thought it you wanted fresher eyes and input
Oh, sorry: @skittles was an active user here for a long time and then she disappeared and you appeared a few months later, @aviva. I thought you were the same person because you guys both have similar commenting styles.
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This thread is kind of an interactive journal for me at this point - I'm sure it's daunting for guest_ or Paris. Writing to you guys gives me motivation to log it while it's all happening to me, when it would maybe otherwise be too emotionally exhausting. I have my meeting tomorrow, so I'll give you an actual update sometime soon-ish, depending on how well things go :) I have lots of interesting input on what you brought up, @xvarnah.
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And my rules rn are 1) avoid anything sexually suggestive so please @tag me if you think of it, and 2) don't try and help anyone who states they're a female under 18 because that could be construed as something inappropriate. If I think they're suicidal, I'll jump in though; idc if I go to jail for 30 days if I'm saving someone's life
@jasonmon I‘ve been around for over 2 years(I was scared to comment since I knew no one yet). I got the hang of this site over a year ago(thanks to @rwby_rose), but commented rarely. That may explain why you didn‘t run into my comments till somehow recently. No, I‘m not Skittles but I think I have run into his/her posts before(40 weeks ago). I checked his/her comments to see if I found my long lost twin lol, but I think we both have different commenting styles.
That explains it. I wonder what ever happened to rwby.. I guess skittles used a little different style but would always be commenting funny stuff right way and would be down for role playing funny situations. I've been around for about the same amount of time - 2 years, maybe? It took me forever to start commenting as well.
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How long have you been around @xvarnah?
@jasonmon I figured that's probably what you meant with the skittles thing, but I don't think I talked to skittles ever (unless we're talking about the candy in which case I definitely did talk to it).
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That makes sense! I feel like they probably would have had some good insight but it takes a long time to get caught up on everything and I know guest_ has been going through some stuff atm (I think he moved also). But it's good-- this is a good way to help keep the important details in order, though you may want screenshots or something also just in case funsub does a purge of some kind (you never know-- I've seen it happen randomly on websites before). Plus I think it's just good that you're talking about it, whether it be to us or someone else. Even if it's all going to disappear paper-wise in a few months, it's still a harrowing experience to be sure.
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Haha you usually do have interesting things to say. Take your time though-- I'm not meaning to just insta-spam you immediately.
Like I said, I just got started last night and had the time so didn't stop.
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Alright, I'll continue attempting to warn you. On that note, there was a butt plug posted somewhere... but it's literally just a photo of the plug because it has a fidget spinner attached to it. Can't quite remember what it's name was, though :s If anyone actually finds that sexual I'll be disturbed, but just in case that requires a heads-up.
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And I'll endeavour not to tag you if I know there's a minor female involved. I tend to forget people's names/genders/ages fairly quickly so I can't promise anything, but a note has been made in this Swiss cheese I call my brain
Well I found my very first official comment:
https://m.funsubstance.com/fun/474113/that-transpired-well/
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Based on that I have apparently been commenting for 36 weeks (0.69 years according to google, which the inner 12 year old in me finds amusing). I lurked on this website for like a year and a half before that, though I think. Never really paid attention to the comments, just scrolled through posts to try and relax and such. Guess we three have the lurker quality in common. Get a break from drama and such. Ironic since now half the time this website has drama but hasn't gotten toooo overwhelming yet
WOW YOU GUYS! I just copied this thread to a Word document and it's 46 pages long. We've got like half a book here.
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I got curious and looked for my first comment. I remember lurking for a good year before I ever commented and then I remember being so nervous as I was typing this comment on a Tom and Jerry post about how they had the realest beef of all time because they never said a word before attacking:
https://m.funsubstance.com/fun/361804/they-kept-it-real/
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I just realized I'd only ever made 14 comments on the site before my arrest. Since I've been out, I've made over 800. I'm going to miss everyone when I finally return to my life and work all the time! My first comment when I was free was trying to help someone find a font. What?
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Anyway, I have lots to say about all the other stuff here and I will post on-topic soon haha
We shall turn this into the longest comment chain in funsub history, or we shall die trying! Actually, that's a bit melodramatic, but it was fun to say.
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I like how your post was actually informative/had implications and mine was essentially just "dogs are goofy!" I don't remember if I was nervous posting my FIRST comment haha. I've been nervous posting a couple things since then. I was definitely nervous posting my first post (not that I even made it), but I don't even remember what it was now.
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Haha well did they find the font at least?
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Aw, I'm sure you won't miss us too much-- you'll still get on sometimes I imagine. You'll probably be distracted catching up on all the things you've missed out on since then in real life. I imagine there's been a lot :/
@jasonmon post about catgirl's in Japan with a drawn girl who, while you can't see below her upperarms, is clearly naked. It's called "Peta is the Florida man of animals," and is below a post about Chinese people smelling debt or something
@jasonmon post with a girl in a proactive pose while a guy pulls down her pants called
"Does anyone have the sauce of this? Is for investigation purposes"
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It's below a post with a cartoon about racism in police or something
@jasonmon post called "The best way to celebrate with a one of the best boys"
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Admittedly the pic is small and blurry, but it is a stripper performing, so be en garde
Lol, right? I have my little response outlined and I'm going to TRY to finish it tomorrow before my class, so I don't start forgetting details of past classes.
Also @jasonmon I actually saw a thing about grooming the other day. I think so many people think of rape as strangers in dark alleys with guns. They don't realize just how much Time and effort most of them will put into it.
@aviva I'm dragging you over here about the granlobo thing because the other post seems like the wrong context now. Also just starting a new chain because the other one is long as hell and takes forever to get to the bottom
Not only did my dad kill my mom and then later incacerated my siblings and I for almost 10 years, he believes he isn‘t at fault. (We left back in 2017).
"I believe I can say they are a mess" Haha, yes @aviva, they've earned that.
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I hope you are doing better today. Whenever I feel bad but I don't know how to isolate why, I can usually narrow it down pretty quickly with a little game: I picture a solid, impenetrable circle with me in the middle of it. The circle is my boundary. Everything inside the circle is something I can control: how I feel about myself and others, what I am doing right now, and where I invest my time and energy. Everything outside is something I can't control: things other people have done to me, how other people feel about me, and what's happened to me in the past.
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My game is that I separate my thoughts into two groups: inside my boundary and outside my boundary. Some thoughts are tricky because there are components of inside and outside. With those, focus on them to break them up into smaller pieces and you'll see the pieces will fall into categories. If you don't know, fire them off here and @xvarnah or I..
..can help you decide. The point of the exercise is to identify how much of your energy is directed toward battling thoughts that lie outside your boundary
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You start every day with a little thimble full of energy to invest however you'd like. If your energy is taken up by things outside your boundary, it'll poke a hole in the bottom of that thimble and drain you dry. The feeling you'll get from that is the clinical defenition of "suffering." With this little game, you can learn to slow down and stop energy leaks by recognizing that things exist outside your boundary and reframing them into problems that fit inside your boundary so you can make a plan to chip away at them. Does that make sense?
I'm one of the happiest idiots out there and I can generally make everyone around me a better, more well-rounded person. You guys know a little about my life. It's had ups and downs and no one would be surprised if I was angry and mean. I just choose to focus on my path and put one foot in front of the other in a way that will ultimately lead to my fulfillment.
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Happiness is just a little squirt of emotion in your brain, but fulfillment is the real treasure - your highs and lows will all be pretty good. I feel bad for people who are addicted to seeking happiness because it's something that's bound to fade away.
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Even in prison, I tried to lead a fulfilling life. There's a lot of sad people in there. Almost every day, I'd show someone how to stretch or do light exercise, or we'd have big heart-to-hearts about life. When I was trying to wrap my head around being in prison for the rest of my life, I decided that plenty of people needed help in there, so I was okay with my new calling.
Anyway, I don't want to ramble on and on. I just want your to know that, no matter what your path is: 1) learn to minimize suffering and 2) set up your like in a way that will guarantee your fulfillment.
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It took me ten years or so to figure out what that meant to me. Be patient with the process and be patient with yourself while you figure it out. Everyone is all about instant gratification today but the best things take work. Don't ever feel lonely or overwhelmed; funsub has your back :)
By incarcerated do you mean he had you guys sent to prison? Or he essentially kept you prisoner? I remember some of what you said about him before and he sounds like a seriously fucked up individual. Whether he's got mental issues or is just a complete wretch of a human being idk but I know he put you through way more than any human (let alone father) ever should...
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Did something specific happen last night to upset you that you know of? Or Is it as Jasonmon said and you're not sure, you're just feeling bad in a general sense? Are you feeling any better this morning at all?
Also, @aviva - we know funsub is your happy place and that this is an emotional topic. Please feel free to delay or ignore any response to this if you want. @xvarnah and I aren't going to feel slighted in the least if you are off commenting on other stuff and not addressing this, okay?
@jasonmon I‘m so sorry for responding really late. I was thinking about how to type it all out. Thank you so much for your advice. I‘ll try it. I‘m upset about specific things and not in general.
@xvarnah By incacerated I meant that he did not let us go out(even within the compound/backyard) or have any contact with the outside world, even with family. We went out with him only and this only happened about 2-5 times a year. It didn‘t help that he owned several guns which he enjoyed threatening to kill us with. He‘s the mess that lead me to FS.
And I do not mind talking about. I have had short periods of free time and wanted to respond when I could finally had some breathing space. I‘m so sorry about my late response.
@xvarnah I was upset a day+ ago because my mom‘s family is also a big mess. My mom‘s twin does not like me because I look like my dad and I do not share the same odd mentality with them. She is also very superstitious. I was making some food for myself and her daughter asked me to mke for her too. Her mom opened the kitchen door and called her and then told her not to eat anything from “my hand.“ Probably with the fear that I could poison it or something else. Her daughter walked back in and told me to take her portion because her mom did not want her “eating from me.“ She said she wants to obey her mom so that “God won‘t be angry with her.“ I asked her if she would kill someone if her mom told her to, and she said no.
I then said that doesn‘t that mean that she is disobedient. I told her it was about doing what was right and not because “mommy said so.“ This cousin‘s sister is a devil incarnate, by the way(and that‘s an understatement)
@xvarnah@jasonmon I forgot to answer the question about how I felt in the morning. I felt “null,“ like I could not feel happy, or angry, or sad, or any other emotion.
You're not still living with your father, right? I think I remember you saying you live with a relative now (who I'm hoping isn't the aunt but). I'm amazed you've survived all this and come out so well-adjusted and seemingly with such a bright attitude (maybe I'm wrong-- this is just the impression you always leave me with). It sounds like there's a lot of mental issues involved on both sides of the family-- which in no way excuses any of the behaviour, or what they've put you through. Things like this would break even some of the strongest people, and the fact that it hasn't done that to you is a testament to what an indomitable spirit you must have. I'm so sorry you've had to endure everything you've been through.
It sounds like your aunt is a piece of work.
I'm not sure what advice to offer on this, because it truly sounds like you handled it the best you could. Maybe @jasonmon will have better insight-- he seems to have some good thoughts on the matter. For me I would just say try and distance yourself from her vitriol as much as possible. It's okay to feel upset or unhappy, but don't ever for a second let the way they treat you take root in your heart. You don't deserve what they've put you through, and you are so much more than they would ever let you believe. Even if you DO live with her, it won't be forever. Her attitude may never change, but your situation will, and you will be able to get away and rise above the pitiful existence they have built for themselves.
I will say there is Clearly there is something very wrong in the way your aunt thinks and handles things, and your appearance is no excuse for her attitude. There's women who have been raped who have children that look just like their rapist and they don't take it out on them. Whether she has some sort of schizophrenia or other paranoia disorder, or is just a nasty person I can't tell, but either way it's not something you deserved.
@xvarnah No, I don‘t live with my dad. I live with this aunt who is also my mom‘s twin. She had 2 kids from possibly 2 different men and none of her other siblings wanted to take her in, but my mom and us took them in. My dad paid off all their debts and put her daughters through school till she got back on her feet. We had never looked down or them. We saw them as part of the family(and that‘s who they are). Now the tables have turned, they act like we owe them and we should be grateful that she even lets us stay at her house(which she doesn‘t really own). I made up my mind that I‘ll never be like her. Her elder sister told me last Sunday that we should go back to our dad because my mom‘s elder brother “spends some of the money he should use for their mom on us“
I‘m tired of crying. I‘ve made up my mind that I won‘t let it make me cry. There was a time that I wanted to just disappear or kms(not anymore), but although I‘m the only girl and youngest child, my brothers seem to be dependent on me(for cooking,etc.). They tend to not be able to stand up to our dad in court. I believe that letting the world break me won‘t help the world in anyway. I don‘t want my mom‘s death to be in vain. It‘s not encouraging to be surrounded by so much hate. I‘m surprised that I can still be happy. Also, some guy wanted to rape me last year and I kept to myself since they always say I lie(thanks to my cousin). My mom‘s twin‘s younger daughter said yesterday that I shouldn‘t have a key to the house. She went to her mom‘s elder sister and she ceased the key. In my aunt‘s words “a child can‘t have the key to my mother‘s house. It‘s only her children that can hold it.“ I have had the key for over a month before and nothing bad happened.
About 90% of my mom‘s sisters are trying to control their brothers‘ marraiges. They want one of their brothers to abandon his 3 year old daughter and his wife(they‘ve been married for over 9 years). They want their other brother to hate his wife(he‘s already starting to). They act like they‘re in some kind of secret society and everyone must listen to the elder one around(who‘s husband wants a divorce).
Sorry I didn't respond earlier @aviva but I had a minorly hellish day (just regular level hellish, nothing concerning) and I wanted to make sure I had actual time before I started attempting to respond to you.
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I'm glad you don't live with him. Your aunt doesn't sound like a good caretaker but anything is better than what you were going through. It definitely sounds to me like there's something very wrong with her mentally, but whether it's clinical I don't know. I've known people who have done insanely cruel and inhumane things with no explanation other than they're bitter and powerless and they want to inflict misery on others to gain some semblance of control in their lives. It's truly one of the most disheartening representatives of humanity you can encounter...
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For what it's worth I can already tell you're nothing like your aunt. Or your father. You're an incredibly kind person who cares a great deal about people. You have a very hopeful and innocent spirit-- which is even more surprising given all the opportunities the world has given to turn you so completely jaded. And to be clear I don't consider innocent a bad thing. As a person who tends to always overthink and immediately go to the worst case or darkest possibilities, it's rare to see someone who DOESN'T think that way. Who still has a very pure outlook and seems to find joy in even simple things.
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You're smarter and stronger than you give yourself credit for also. I get the feeling you experience self doubt and feel insecure sometimes, but you don't need to. You have things to say and things to contribute and from what I can tell they're worth hearing.
Hate can be so fucking suffocating, especially when you're surrounded by it. I hope you can keep finding ways to be happy.. In spite of, and maybe TO spite them. After all, nothing makes miserable people more angry than seeing someone else be happy...
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But that's the vengeful side of me talking I guess
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You said someone tried to rape you... did you want to talk about it? That's a hard thing to go through alone. If you don't I understand, but if you do... also, I hope none of the talk about Jason's situation has been upsetting at all
@xvarnah I‘m sorry about your day. I do hope that tomorrow‘s a trillion times better. For one, I‘m grateful for the mom I had. And thank you so much. To me, if I become the ‘monster‘ they say I am, it means they‘ve won and I won‘t let that happen. The self-doubt is usually due to things that happen when I was younger(which you know). It‘s not as bad as it was before. At least I am able to love myself more than before. There was this “default setting“ my dad wanted me to have. He made sure I got a dose of negativity. Now that he isn‘t in my life anymore, I still sorta feel like a few people probably think negatively about me when I try to do something. It‘s like an inner voice that tries to make me feel incapable or not good enough. I believe that‘s where the self-doubt came from. Usually when my cousin tries to talk me down, I don‘t always respond. I noticed that responding to a person who can‘t think out of a tiny space, is just gonna give me a headache.
She and others like her already have a negative default setting about me. She‘s already starting to talk to her mom like they are within the same age group. In all, they are making me more motivated to succeed. @jasonmon ‘s talk wasn‘t upsetting at all. It is actually interesting hearing the stories of others and their point of view.
@xvarnah About it: There‘s a man who helped guide me during an exams. I didn‘t know the place well or how things worked there. There are many restricted areas so I had to sit in this man‘s office till my uncle‘s driver came to pick me up. He talked a lot about his beliefs, school, etc. I don‘t remember him bringing up any sexual stuff. As days went by, he seemed to always want me to sit in his office. I didn‘t know his motive at the time. He was also excessively kind(as in, approving stuff for me first,etc.).
The exams where over and I left. The school is far away from where I live so I went in person to get my results. This man was able to get me to see the main person(his boss) with my papers. He left the staff meeting he was suppose to be in so he could “see me one last time“ (which I again didn‘t know his intentions). I was sitting in his office and the driver called me to say he was about 15 minutes away(this man was in the toilet at the time). I tell him that I‘m leaving and he came out and did a weird hug from behind me(I was still sitting on the chair). I asked him why he did that and he said it was nothing. I got up to leave and I‘m almost out the door when he catches up with me and hugs me several times from the side and said he will miss me. He kissed me on the cheek and then tried to to kiss me on the lips about 3 times, but I blocked him with my palm and he kissed that palm several times(he also blocked me from leaving).
My immediate thought was to slap him but then I thought I should aim at leaving in case he violently retaliated, and I don‘t have super strength to fight him. I got an opening to head for the stairs but he blocks me again and tries to kiss me AGAIN. He then grabs my arm and tells me that there was supposedly another set of stairs on the other side, and that he wanted us to take that so he could “talk to me longer.“ I told him that I‘d rather take the stairs I know exists. He then pulled me with so much force but I kept resisting with all I had and finally my hand slipped out from his grip and I ran down the steps like crazy.
He chased after me(the building was empty at that time), but then I ran into his boss at the end of the steps, and this man acted normal. His boss didn‘t suspect anything. This crazy man then said that he had feelings for me when I was told to sit in the waiting room close to the building‘s exit. This crazy man then denied he tried to do anything to me when I asked him why. The driver arrived like 3 mins later(it felt longer). Turns out this crazy man was married and his wife was about 5/6 months pregnant with their first kid at the time. This happened about the 2nd week of September last year.
Turns out that there wasn‘t really another set of stairs where he was trying to lead me to but a dark empty room. There, even if you screamed, no one would hear you
Oh man. I just read this while I was waiting in line at Wendy’s to order my food. By the time I got to the front of the line, my heart was pounding and I was all shaky and the lady behind the counter had to yell at me to get my attention. I’m never on my phone in public like that :/
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I don’t really swear, but Jesus F*ck, @aviva. I am happy you’ve kept it together so well through the stuff you’ve been through, and I’m glad you have a good head on your shoulders. But damn, that guy was way out of line. He is living in a distorted reality where his fantasies are real in his mind and he thinks everyone is on his messed-up wavelength. Have you thought about e-mailing his boss what happened? Even copying and pasting your story here and sending it would raise flags and at least put this crazy man on the radar. Thanks to my class, I’m learning that guys like this will have between 10 and 20 victims that they’re grooming simultaneously. They put themselves in positions where they have access
access to their “victims of choice” on a regular basis. Him doing this type of stuff, even handled as well as you handled it, will still leave a mark on his victims. My book about sex offenses says something like, “Oh, boo hoo. You’re sad that you’re marked as a sex offender for the rest of your life? Well, guess what? You marked your victims for the rest of their lives so deal with it!” Anyway, if you don’t want to report it, I understand. You’d maybe have to testify in court, if it went that far. It’s just an option you have. I promise, you will be taken very seriously. I obviously don’t want you to feel like you’d be jeopardizing your living situation if you did report this. Just so you know, the time limit for reporting stuff like this isn’t short: depending on the state where you live, it could be three years to forever.
In other news, I’m sorry you’re living with a steaming pile of turds. It seems like you’re doing everything you can to minimize their power in your life. This same book I’m going through has us examine our early childhoods and it says some nice things. Do you know Maslow’s Pyramid? You should google it.
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(Can you tell that I like to offer solutions to people? @xvarnah, you’re awesome at the emotional support/intuition. I’ve never been great at that and I respect your skills immensely. I like to give people tools they can use to learn or potentially help themselves. I’m just taking shots in the dark but I hope they’re helping...or at least interesting. ) With that in mind, the book, called the “Road to Freedom,” talks about meeting your basic needs from Maslow’s Pyramid. If you nail one layer before moving up to the next one, your mindset stays solid and you can become “self-actualized.” The book focuses a lot on the self-esteem layer.
. Here’s what they say about when parents fail their children and what that means for the child (p.132):
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“When you can understand how abuse, neglect, boundary violations, and people who could not or did not pay attention to you affected your feelings about yourself, then you understand that the things that originally caused your low self-esteem were never about you in the first place. They were about things that were done to you, or things that were not done for you, by other people.
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We have talked a lot in this book about how children are not responsible. That goes for you too. When you were a child you were not responsible – not responsible for your own behavior and certainly not responsible for the behavior of the adults in your life. You may still believe that you deserved the abuse or neglect you received because you were ‘bad.’ It’s time for you to reexamine that belief.
Of course you misbehaved. Of course you disobeyed your parents and got into things you weren’t supposed to. All children misbehave. But one of the primary responsibilities of any parent is to discipline their child without crushing the child’s self-esteem. If your parents weren’t able to correct you and control you without attacking you and making you dislike yourself, then they failed you. And if your parents didn’t pay attention to you, even if it was because they were working all the time or they were sick and in the hospital – even if it was because one of them died and the other couldn’t carry on – then they didn’t give you what you needed. The point is not to blame them. It doesn’t really even matter if what they did or didn’t do was their fault. The point is: it wasn’t your fault! In light of what you now know about children, ask yourself if you really were responsible for any of the things that caused you to feel worthless or unlovable.
What we are saying is that by examining your childhood you have already started the process of changing your low self-esteem. If you understand that you really were powerless as a child, then you can realistically assign responsibility to the people and the events that were to blame for you developing low self-esteem. You not only have the right to question the opinions and acts of those people, you have an obligation to yourself to reclaim the self-worth that was always rightfully yours and still is. Understanding where your opinions of yourself come from makes it possible for you to change the ways those opinions affect you today.”
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Most of this book is absurdly not applicable but it has good moments, like this, that are nice to read. I’m okay now but in my teens and twenties, I struggled with low self-esteem. It seems like you have most of this handled as well, but I thought I’d give you an insight as to what psychotherapists are saying on the subject.
@jasonmon tbh I thought what you said earlier when you replied was really helpful, and a lot of what you're saying now seems like it could be very useful too, though only Aviva will know for sure. Even if it isn't, it's the effort that counts I think. Tbh a lot of time I flounder with the emotional side of things. I tend to do better with logic and clinical details (I believe I told pbachman to eat more vegetables at some point to help with stress o.O) which doesn't often help much when people are dealing with emotional turmoil.
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It's also why it sometimes takes me awhile to respond to things because my brain is struggling to come up with a response haha.
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Either way, as I said, it looks like you provided some really good insights and perspectives here. I hope you're okay though after the Wendy's incident. :/ I think, once all this is over, we really need to find you something to read that isn't all doom and gloom
@aviva holy hell that is absolutely terrifying. It's amazing you were able to keep your wits about you. I'm sorry to Jason, I know we're sort of working on understanding perpetrators, but my reaction is still what a sick son of a bitch that teacher is for putting you through that. And if he knew anything about your home situation he probably knew you'd have no one to turn to... predators indeed. I don't know that I'd have been able to handle it anywhere near as well as you did.
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Have you kept this to yourself all this time? :/
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As Jason said-- you can certainly report him if you feel strong enough to do so. It may help you and others. But I feel a bit more wary about the concept that it will be welcomed with open arms. The MeToo movement has helped, but I've seen a lot of stories of victims get twisted. I'm not discouraging you by any means, just saying be aware of that if you do go forward
Either way, the most important thing is your well being. Do not feel obligated to make any kind of decision or even think about reporting. My intention asking was more just... so you could get it off your chest. And know someone (or in this case two someones at the very least) is actually listening
@jasonmon I‘m sorry about that. I thought about reporting it. I know most of my mom‘s siblings wouldn‘t want me to so they “don‘t look bad“ in the sense that they are a lot of things they should have done but did not seem to care. I sorta doubt people would care at this point since I did not get raped. I reported the abuse from my dad and only really few people appeared to care. They thought I was overexaggerating because it sounded to difficult to believe. Another man even tried justifying my dad‘s actions. This man works for child rights. I brought up within the story that my dad cared about the many women that he slept than if I had eaten that day. This man then laughed and asked me the type of women my dad was into. He said it was “normal.“
A big part of me wants to report the crazy man, but sometimes I feel bad about how much it would affect his wife and his baby. Especially, since he is the one putting their food on the table.
@jasonmon I googled Maslow‘s Pyramid. It consists of (from bottom up): Physiological, Saftey, Love/belonging, Esteem, and Self-actualisation.
The parent that wronged me was my dad and not my mom. I wasn‘t a bad child. I was usually silent and kept to myself. I felt like I had to serve him. I did not do anything to cause him to hate me. I respected him like he was a god. I don‘t know if i have said this before, but my dad is most likely a sex addict and lusts over many women. To him, my mom was limiting him and she had to go. He paid our nanny to poison her food. Always, whenever the nanny cooked for her, her food tasted completely like perfume but mine didn‘t. Mom had the chance to run but stayed hoping he would change, but he killed her. There was a time I was angry with her for not packing up and leaving. I then understood that my dad is an extremely dangerous and difficult person and it wasn‘t her fault for being afraid. I forgave that.
I don‘t feel like I deserved the abuse. Because of everything that was happening, I think there was a time that I felt I should just die and it made me question who I was and my purpose as a human being. Both my parents stayed at home. My mom was about to get her first degree. I had no idea how my dad got his money though. My dad was driven to call me names. Once he walked into my room and said I was going to be a prostitute and that I was a hypocrite and a liar. I did not do anything. He had a problem with me getting up at night to use the toilet. He watched me like I was a prisoner. I believe I was about 10 then. He was convinced I was having sex(I believe since sex was always on his mind, he alwas thought everyone else was like that) when i was 12! Seeing my cry always made him happy. It appeared to drive him. There was no love in that “home.“ I felt the world was like that. It still overwhelms me when people do/say kind things to me.
@jasonmon Thank you for letting me know about it :) My mom‘s eldest sister tried to tell how to feel (not caring if I felt that way or not). She said I had no right to be depressed because many people have it worse.
@xvarnah I kept it to myself mostly. It‘s because it is really difficult approaching my mom‘s siblings about sensitive things in my life. They misunderstand quite easily and may think I did something to prompt his actions (like flirting with him,etc.). I understand what you mean about the possibility of it not being welcomed by some people. I have considered that. And thank you. I did not have anyone to talk to
@aviva tbh your siblings and relatives are by and large what concerns me from a reporting standpoint. At this point it seems they're so prone to lashing out at you and undermining you. If you were going to report I'd prefer if you had a support structure, or at the very least a little distance from people who would make it their mission to blame you and turn it into something ugly.
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I understand worrying about his wife and child, but keep in mind what happens to them would not and never will be your fault. He demonstrated in his behaviour (trying to lure you somewhere dark, denying the allegations, acting properly the moment his boss was around) that he is fully aware and completely comprehending that what he was doing was wrong. If a man goes to prison for murder you don't blame the person he shot for dying. It's his fault and his decision to pull the trigger. There's support systems available for the wife and child
So I was actually in the middle of typing something much longer and then the website crashed and I couldn't get back on it and had to go do things -_-
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But most importantly if you want to talk about it more we're here. Sunflowers also may be worth hitting up. I don't know if she'll mind, but she's talked about what she went through on here as well. But again it's just what you're comfortable with
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Also, I'll leave the link to www.rainn.com which you can go to if you want to or not, since they are specialized in helping people who have been assaulted.
*rainn.org - but yes, it's an excellent resource. The more I learn about your dad, the more I have not-nice thoughts about him. Sorry isn't enough, but I am sorry about what you had to go through and I'm glad you seem to have good tools for coping with things. Just keep in mind that the stuff I've written here is the stuff you need to remember on your bad days.
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Also, like I said, I don't want you to jeopardize your living situation. If you think reporting this guy will somehow do that, just know that you can wait a year or more and still report it.
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And @xvarnah, what you said is completely bad*ss and hits the nail so perfectly on the head that it's been making me laugh all day: "If a man goes to prison for murder you don't blame the person he shot for dying." So good! :)
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The perpetrators we're talking about in my thread are past the punishment phase and are in to their recovery phase. Other guys, like this crazy man, still need to be shown that they're bad.
@jasonmon Thank you for the correction. My phone has been acting up today and I didn't want to fight me way to the website again. -_- thought I could handle typing it by my own self but evidently I managed to be just off the mark once again :p
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Haha I'm glad it made you laugh. I was actually rather pissed-off-on-aviva's-behalf when I was typing that and really just wanted to make sure she understood she has no reason to feel guilty about any of it, so I'm glad the analogy works
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Tbh the teacher in @Aviva 's story definitely needs a strong "kick upside the head with a golf shoe" as a customer I used to know would say. It sounds like he deliberately targetted Aviva hoping she'd be timid, manipulated, and isolated, and instead got someone smart, resilient and resourceful
@xvarnah Sorry about that. You could still type it when you have the time to. I don‘t mind reading long comments. Ok, noted :) Does my case fall under ‘assault?‘
@jasonmon What‘s more annoying is that he has sued my uncle and aunt(both took up the responsibility for us. This aunt is not messed up) about 5 times. He claims they ‘kidnapped‘ us. He swore to my eldest brother that he wants them both dead. What annoys me is that he staged sadness infront of the police and said that he and I “were very close and we were bffs“(TERRIBLE LIE). He then said that we were told what to say against him and that we were brainwashed. He said to my face that he did not do anything negative to me. He said that he “alone could raise us in a good way and take us to the best schools). I just know in my heart that if I didn‘t reach out to legal officers and we were still living with him, we would have been dead by now.
His abuse made me more vocal than it broke me. I told him that I wasn‘t happy with the way things were. If I brought up school to him, he‘d immediately become angry. Once, he left me for 2 days without food on purpose(he gave just my brothers food). All I had for myself was water and a 3 month old cereal I had to eat without milk. I began developing Ulcer and had severe heartache/heart burns(I‘m not sure what to call it). I became pale and he said I looked stupid and made him look bad. The ache got to the point it hurt so much I couldn‘t stand(like someone stabbed my chest and was twisting the knife). He did not care still. I got sick so many times and he still did not care. I had to “get better naturally“ because he did not want to take me to a hospital even though he can afford it. He would rather spend his money on buying cars he doesn‘t use every 3-4 months.
@jasonmon Ok. Understood. And the ‘quality schooling‘ my dad is so proud he did for us involved him hiring a few pedophiles. I had home classes after school when I still had a mom. When she died I was 6 1/2. When I turned 7, a teacher tried to kiss me on the lips. I remember pushing him away before he could. I was scared to say anything to anyone, but my elder brother(who was 9 at that time) blurted it out. Another I can recall was when I was 12 or 13 and a married man said openly infront of my brothers and I that he wanted to have sex with me. My dad said nothing about it and the man still came to teach.This man waited till I was alone and reached to touch my breasts and I threatened to stab him with the sharp side of my pen if he did. He thought I was kidding and I hit him with it. He got angry amd tried to grab both my arms and I kicked him in the nuts(till today I wish I kicked him harder). I don‘t even know why I am telling you guys this.
@xvarnah and I are happy to listen. I think you're saying this stuff because someone will actually listen to you and be like WTHHHH?! Because, WTHHHH?! I'm glad your brother spoke up on your behalf with that first creep. Thank you for threatening to stab the second creep lol
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To answer you question, the crazy man in your first story did indeed commit a sexual assault against you. He crossed the line in two ways - he touched you without permission for a sexual purpose when he hugged you from behind, and then he kissed you when you were telling him no (even though it was your hand.) It was wrong because 1) he's married, 2) he was in a position of power over you and 3) you aren't legally capable of consenting to that sort of stuff. He knew all that and disregarded it because he is deeply psychologically unwell (in a dangerous way.)
Also, when it comes to kicking nuts, a medium tap will stun a guy for a few precious seconds, but a hard kick can be ignored. If you need to leave quickly, go for the stunning tap or slap instead, then just leave your stuff and get out. You can get other stuff.
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Can you tell I have little sisters that I've given advice? Haha
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When I'm "off paper" I can talk more specifically about my feelings for your lovely father. Does he still want custody of you? All I'll say now is please journal stuff he does/says. I don't mean just the past, but also specifically anything he says now. If he makes a play to force you to move home, you can show the authorities how crazy he is. Writing something now carries a lot more legal weight than saying something later.
@jasonmon Sorry I am responding now. Lol, and thank you, @jasonmon and @xvarnah for listening. I see your point now. Concerning your stunning advice(see what I did there), note taken.
No, I couldn‘t tell lol.
“Off paper?“ And yes, he still wants custody of us(I think it‘s me he wants most at the moment, and I was the one he hated the most). I have already made up my mind that I don‘t have a mom or dad and I‘m ok with that. If I don‘t have that much money to get the life I want now, it doesn‘t mean I never will. I‘m more concerned about moving forward because I doubt there is anything positive he has to say to or do for me. And thank you for the journal advice. I‘d have to be reminded again in a few hours so I can get one tomorrow. Thank you so much for your advice. And yours too, @xvarnah :)
I don't fully remember what I was going to say. I think I mentioned an example from "Mind Hunter" where an FBI agent learns that a principal is punishing elementary level students by taking them to his office, alone, removing their shoes and socks, and tickling their feet. After which he would give them money to go buy sweets or whatever. "Tickles for nickles" essentially.
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A number of parents and teachers had expressed concern over this behaviour and asked him to stop over a period of time. He refused. So, finally, one of the teachers asked the FBI agent if he could do anything (it was outside his jurisdiction but he attempted anyway). He asked the principal to stop, and the man, again, refused. Finally a member of the school board asked the FBI agent his opinion about the principal's continued position teaching. The FBI agent iirc basically said he can't guarantee that the man's behaviour won't escalate.
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The school board fires the man.
Later on the wife of the principal hunts down the FBI agent and basically accuses him of ruining their lives.
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And the reason this felt relevant to me is because the wife is taking the same perspective of blame as you are.
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At any time the principal in question had options. He knew his behaviour was offensive, he knew it was bothering people, he had been asked to stop. He continued. And, because of his behaviour, he lost everything. NOT because the FBI agent spoke out. But because he chose not to desist in his behaviour. Every single consequence that followed was his own fault.
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People often want to misplace blame or blame themselves because it's sometimes easier than standing up and saying "this is a consequence I am part of, but this consequence doesn't belong to me. It is not my fault."
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You're a domino he crashed into-- not the one at the start of the line. He made the decision-- the wrong decision-- and if it sends him careening off a cliff it will never be your fault.
Unless you actually push him off a cliff, but that's not really what we're talking about here.
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Also, what happened to you is absolutely an assault. the moment he put his hand on you it became an assault. Possibly even before. The moment he kissed you it became a sexual assault. The moment he attempted to keep you from leaving it could be argued it was a kidnapping or unlawful confinement. There's a myriad things he did there that he could be charged with
I had no idea about stunning a guy vs kicking him hard. Tbh if I were in the mindframe I'd likely be trying to kick the guy's testicles out through his nostrils, so maybe some restraint is needed. Tbh the fact that you managed to keep your wits and convince yourself to kick at all is impressive, @Aviva. A lot of women don't think to do so, or feel guilty about it and simply don't.
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I'm not on paper and I have more than enough words (and several sharp objects) for your father. I know, I know, shouldn't condone violence, but goddamn. You need to do whatever it takes to keep yourself away from him. Your brothers as well, hopefully, but they sound like they get it a bit better from him. He sounds like a vindictive, abusive, bitter, entitled, weak, pathetic slug that I'm not even sure I want to classify as a human being. I don't know how you survived everything he put you through.
And as @jasonmon said, it doesn't even matter why you're telling us. You tell us as much as you want. Human beings are not meant to keep shit like this bottled up. ESPECIALLY shit like this. So if you think of something you need to talk about then for God's sake talk. Don't feel bad about it, don't apologize. You don't have to question it. You can thank us if you want but don't feel obligated to do that either. It's not easy stuff-- it's probably some of the most difficult things in the world. But you have us here. And we're listening.
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I think Jason's thing about the journal is a good idea. It just never hurts to have a record of things like that.
@xvarnah The principal has a really weird foot fetish. It‘s even creepier that he does tha to kids. Do you think the principal‘s wife supported her husband‘s behavior? Ok, I understand. I‘m surprised as you are that I kicked him. I felt it as more of a reflex action. I‘m glad I did defend myself. Because my dad wasn‘t too bad on them, they tend to think he isn‘t that bad sometimes. I can‘t really blame them because I what fuels that thought is the way most of our maternal family treat us. I‘m trying really hard to be hopeful and stay strong. I have to supress so much of my emotions because I got us out and crying infront of them may cause them to lose hope.
@Aviva indeed, though that was less about the actual principal and more about the way people sometimes choose to misplace blame.
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I imagine as they age the reality will eventually dawn on them. Or they may choose to stay in denial-- it's hard to say. It sounds like you care about each other on some level at least, which is a good thing.
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I don't think you should feel to need to be strong around them all the time. I understand the logic and decision, but never forget that You're human, too, and you deserve to express yourself sometimes.
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As a side note: I wanted to link this comment chain, since some of the other funsub users are talking about their experiences. Don't feel obligated to post or even read it, I just wanted to make it available to you:
https://m.funsubstance.com/fun/511931/me/?last_comment=3087600&ref=notif#comment3087600
@Xvarnah Yes, I understood that was what you were putting emphasis on. I was just asking to get a better picture of the story.
I sometimes can‘t help it but try to suppress my emotions till I‘m alone. Ok, I will read it :)
Oh I completely missed you asking a question there, my bad! I don't know if she supported the behaviour, but she had written it off as harmless and decided to put his wants above the welfare and peace of mind of the parents and children-- and considering those two things make up at least 70% of his job, this was the wrong call on both their parts.
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At the end of the day she was aware of the situation in it's entirety and enabling him to continue it. In that regard she's at least partially guilty for the result
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And that's fair-- you obviously know you better and know what works for you. Just don't keep it too bottled up
@xvarnah Oh, that‘s ok. They‘re a big mess. And I won‘t keep it bottled up. Also about 3 days ago, my mom‘s twin was given some money by her elder sister to buy a few snacks for my brother(the other‘s away for school), I, and her 2 daughters. She bought 84 and gave 9 to my brother and 9 to me. She doesn‘t like snacks so she gave 33 each to her daughters. I can‘t say anything because she always says I am ungrateful to defend herself. My point here is that it‘s hard to believe that she cares(I know she doesn‘t, but she says she does infront of others) when she can‘t even show it. She cheats(not sure if that‘s the right word) ALL THE TIME. Most of her sisters and her treat us unfairly and discriminate us. I‘m starting to feel like they don‘t do that solely because of my dad but because we are “helpless“ to them. It makes them happy when bad stuff happen to us.
My grandmom(she stays with us) fell sick. There‘s a guy that takes care of her. He‘s taken care of her before and after she fell sick. When he came about over a year ago, I noticed that he tried to avoid me(and my siblings too) for about 2 weeks or so. After a while, he got friendly. He recently told me that he was told to act that way by my aunts, and not to touch any food I touch or take anything from my siblings and I. They told him to be cautious of us. A TOTAL STRANGER THEY DIDN‘T EVEN KNOW FOR UP TO AN HOUR!!! That just shows that who we are to them. Family isn‘t blood anymore. My greatest haters share the same blood with me. When I get older, I doubt I‘d want my fiancé to know any of them lol
I just realized I only responded in my head to your last comments Aviva. I think you're definitely wise in cutting any and all ties with them as soon as you can-- there's literally nothing healthy they can offer you, and they seem to take way too much joy in tormenting and belittling your existence. What a bunch of bitter hags, good god.
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Sorry, rant done. Continue about the man?
Same here, @aviva. I reacted in my head and had a whole response and didn't type it out. Your extended family has a lot of "small" people, meaning they don't understand empathy and what it is to be kind. I'm glad your grandmom's caretaker came around and figured out that you and your brothers are good people. Your aunt and cousins make me so frustrated. Just know that it's temporary and you're working on building a bigger, better life than they could understand.
So I was speaking with a friend of mine about an hour ago. She was talking about the weird ways guys have asked her out(she wrote the same exams I did). She mentioned the crazy man a nd I told her what happened. She said her family has known him for a few years. Turns out that he likes younger/underaged girls. He has several friends with “similar interests“(some of which I have met). He is madly respected by everyone so his “previous affairs“ weren‘t taken so seriously since many people see him as pure. It was this that led to getting married to a lady he worked with because he got her pregnant and didn‘t want dirt on him.
@Xvarnah That‘s ok. Also they don‘t want me to have anything to do with my grandmom. My grandmom wants me around her more but they think I want to harm her. I‘ve stopped seeing her frequently.
@Jasonmon It‘s ok. And thank you. I‘m trying to feel emotionally better.
o he is exactly as Jason said-- a serial predator who grooms girls, tries to get them alone, and then assaults them.
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Tbh if your living situation with your relatives were even a fraction better I would be entirely gung-ho about you reporting this sick man. Don't get me wrong-- I absolutely still have your back if you and your friend decide to, but your family (as in your aunts, dad, and cousin) worries and disgusts me and I don't want them undermining your experience.
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I don't know, and I'm not sure if @Jasonmon knows, if it's possible for you to approach the police and just say "look, I can't testify or do anything, but you need to have this guy on your radar." Or even report him anonymously or something. But Jason would probably know more about how something like that might work.
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What a backwards group of people who would rather protect a predator and live in denial than actually acknowledge a pattern of behavior
@aviva have you stopped seeing your grandma as often because you can't get to her? Or because they get in your way? If you can get to her than I'd say just go whether they like it or not.
@Xvarnah I understand. I stopped because I can‘t get to her sometimes, and they always get in my way. I feel discouraged to go see her because I don‘t want to be surrounded by so much negativity. It makes me overlu emotional and I don‘t want to feel that way. Also, my cousin has slammed a door in my grandmom‘s help‘s face and mine too just because I was close to my grandmom‘s room at night. She defended herself infront of her mom and claimed she didn‘t see the guy(who she hit with the door). Her mom obviously believed her
That makes sense. It's sad and sickening that such disturbed and pathetic people not only exist but are training their children to be like them. I know I've already said it a dozen times, but I'm sorry they put you through that. You definitely deserve better
Oooo! I forgot the posts keep count of likes. I'm surprised there's still people finding it tbh haha. Some of fhtme must look at the comment count and go "oml what kind of shot was going down here"
No, just when there's new comments etc. I think when I first started posting was back when a post would get like 3k likes fairly easily so that feature would have been terrifying haha
@Xvarnah and @Jasonmon
I am thinking of talking to an uncle about what is going on. He does not know. I also want to take to a lady really close to the family whom my aunts sorta look up to. She knows a bit of what they do. I want to let her know how things are now. What do you guys think?
@aviva Would you be talking to them about your living situation? It's definitely smart to talk to people your aunt respects. I like that idea.
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You'd want to handle right because it's a delicate situation. My main concern is I don't want you to jeopardize your living situation with your aunt, as bad as it might be sometimes.
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If I were you, I'd write down five or six things you want to say - like some of the stories you've told us here - and take the time to word them correctly. Focus your stories on your aunt, and focus on things like her keeping you away from your grandmom, and things she says about not trusting you. Remind them you've had a hard time and the last thing you want to do is cause trouble. You just wish your aunt would love you and treat you fairly.
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What do you think, @xvarnah?
As for the crazy staircase man, I'm glad you talked to your friend about him. If you want, you could talk anonymously to someone at rainn.org. They are mandatory reporters and they would get this information to the right place if they were concerned he is in a group of men who enjoy "similar interests" like engaging in sex with children. He would get punished, but then afterwards he would get the help he needs to lead a good life.
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Again, I know I sound like a broken record but I just don't want you to have negative blowback in your life right now.
And now I'm spamming this chat, sorry guys. @aviva, thanks for making that very sweet funsubstance appreciation list. I think you made a lot of people's day better, including mine. Don't worry too much about pokethebear - his sense of humor can be a little surly but he was happy you mentioned him.
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If you guys haven't read the Haribo reviews he was talking about, do yourself a favor and read them. They're absolutely, unbelievably hilarious: https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.cheezburger.com/157189/amazon-sugarless-haribo-gummy-bear-reviews
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A couple of my friends got fired for giving them to kitchen staff at a nice restaurant where I live. The restaurant had to close that night because of the combined intestinal trauma of the poor cooks.
@aviva I guess before I offer an opinion I need a bit more clarification-- which I think Jason also kind of was asking for.
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First, who are these people? I mean, you gave us a basic, but I guess I want to know a bit more details of their connection to you vs their connection to the rest of your family.
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This uncle.. Which side of the family is he on? Does he at all agree with your father or your aunts?
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The same sort of applies to this woman-- you say your aunt looks up to her, but if they're confidants that could create a problem.
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second-- what are you wanting to talk to them about? I'm not clear on whether you want to talk to them about how abusive your aunts are, or the situation with the stair well man.
I think talking to people can help, but because of how precarious your situation is I think @jasonmon raised some real concerns. I want you to be able to feel safe and have someone to talk to, but I don't want you to end up in a position where you may be isolated because the people surrounding you are sadistic (possibly mentally ill) asshats. (Sorry, jasonmon, I think I'm a bit more inclined to prejudice and name-calling haha)
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Writing down things you want to talk about is a good strategy, although, again, I want to know more before I try and offer too much advice.
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As Jason said also, rainn does have counsellors and mandatory reporting. I'm not certain if that means they try and obtain your information, however. I can't imagine that's how it works, but I'm not sure. If you're interested in talking to them I may fire off an email and see if they can answer some questions prior to that if it makes you more comfortable and you decide you want to go that route.
@jasonmon I feel like, in a chat with 200+ comments, where *I,* Spam-master extraordinaire am present, apologizing for spam is kind of a moot point. I'm not even sure you did spam, but I sincerely don't think you need to worry either way.
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As a side note-- I have no idea what pokethebear said in the chat. Ironically I tend to skim Long comment chains and just see if there's anything I need to reply to more often than not as very long comment chains actually tend to confuse my brain after awhile. Hence why I haven't participated in the one guest_ and vit-something have been having on the post about teaching men not to rape haha.. This one isn't bad because, despite its content it hasn't been overly complex in terminology etc if that makes sense? Maybe you guys are just easier for me to follow since I've been here from the beginning. Who knows.
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^what a long winded way to say "I didn't read his comment," good grief
Either way I've seen the bear reviews before haha (I think I actually read what the reason behind it was but can't recall now), but I was under the impression you had to eat several of them before it took effect? How many did those poor cooks eat good grief
I‘m sorry I‘m responding now. I was looking for when I could have enough time at a stretch to type a lot.
@Jasonmon Yes, I would be talking to them about my living situation. Ok. I completely understand. I‘ll try to write them down amd word them too. I am concerned about my mom‘s twin finding the paper since her sometimes snoops in my room when I‘m not at home. I will definitely consider talking to someone on rainn. You don‘t sound like a broken record lol. I understand ^·^
Oh lol. I felt pokethebear was kidding, but I wasn‘t sure and didn‘t want to react in a way he‘d feel offended. LOL.
@Xvarnah The uncle I want to talk to is their eldest brother. My mom was his favorite sibling before she died, and he does his best to make sure we‘re still in school and have basic things. He isn‘t biased and he has no idea what is going on. He doesn‘t let his sisters control him. The family friend has known me for almost 2 years, but she‘s closer to me than she is with the rest of the family. She knows how my aunts treat me because she has seen several cases where I was left behind and she had to get someone to take me home. She has been like a counsellor and helped me recover from my depression when my aunt laughed at me for it. She knows a lot about my life and how I get treated. She doesn‘t know what has happened lately. She always has a way to help without it hitting back on me.
My aunts look up to her in a way of respect. She is influential and they try to impress her. They wouldn‘t have a reason to confide in her because they don‘t want her to know about the terrible parts of their lives. I want to talk to her(and my uncle) about my experiences with my aunt and school. I want to know her take on the whole thing. Also, pokethebear made that comment on my appreciation chat :)
@aviva that makes sense. Are you hoping your uncle will take you in? Or just be able to talk some sense into your aunts?
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If you think either of them can help without your aunts secretly taking it out on you then I absolutely think it's worth a shot, and as jasonmon said, take some time to go over the key things you want to talk about, and figure out how you want to approach them. Even if they come out differently when you talk, it's still a good idea to be prepared so you can orient how and what you want to say
It sounds like you have a good plan, @aviva! I like physically writing things down but if you're concerned about your snooping aunt, you can maybe type a note in to your phone/laptop/whatever-device-you-have as an email draft or as an actual Note. She probably wouldn't think to look in either of those places?
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Please let us know how it goes, or if you get stuck (procedurally or emotionally haha)!
@Jasonmon I could still write it on and then burn it after I typed it lol. True, she‘ll never touch my phone.
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I‘ll update you guys on it(before and after). :)
@Xvarnah The feeling that we aren‘t even a priority to the people we live with and the person we call ‘dad‘ made my eldest brother and I really emotional. He feels we should try talking with our dad because he feels so small(like so much has been taken away from us). I told him that that is a terrible idea because our dad has not changed and going back to him means he wants to get killed. We don‘t know what to do. He is already losing hope. He spoke to our dad a few weeks ago and he is still saying all the stupid things he has been saying for years. I believe we should find another way to move forward
Definitely. Your brother is lost, but your dad is NOT the answer. Your aunts abuse you, but your dad will be worse. You can't under any circumstances go back to him. Have you managed to talk to either of the people you mentioned?
@aviva Sorry your conversation didn't go like you wanted it to with the person you call dad. I think you're making the right call by staying put for now. It's the lesser of two evils - they don't treat you right, but they aren't threatening your life. I'm glad you reached out, though.
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Please let us know how it goes when you talk to the family friend.
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Also, please keep a running email draft (or burned letters lol) of the crap your aunt does. That'll be a reminder for you later. I don't want you sulking in negativity, I just want you to have things written down did you can come back to them later and communicate them better to people. Does that make sense, @xvarnah?
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Can you keep in touch with your uncle in the future? Like, maybe you and your brother can talk to him briefly once a week? You don't have to talk about anything in particular per se, but it is important for your sanity to have a neutral person in your life who you can vent to. Over time, he'll get a better picture...
...of what is going on for you guys. Maybe the conversation you had today came out of the blue for him and he didn't know how to react or what to say right away.
@xvarnah You‘re right. That was what I was trying to tell my brother. I haven‘t spoken with the family friend and my uncle yet, but I will soon.
@jasonmon The conversation was with my eldest brother. I have not spoken with my uncle yet. Just to clarify by “the person we call ‘dad‘“ I meant our father. My eldest brother had a call with him a few weeks ago.
Oh, I almost forgot to get a journal. I‘ll see if I can get one within the week. Also, I plan on speaking with my uncle alone. My eldest brother is preoccupied with school.
Oh wow, I really misread your first comment and got really confused. Sorry about that. Now that I understand more about it, I can say I think @xvarnah is spot-on: I'm glad you already know you can't go back to your dad.
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Does your eldest brother live with your aunt as well, or is he away at school somewhere?
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I definitely think it's best if you talk to your uncle alone. What I said earlier when I was confused still applies though - your uncle might be dismissive of your situation at first or he might not really react until he has had time to mull it over. Don't give up hope if he reacts that way at first.
I think you made some good points, @jasonmon
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@aviva there's the possibility your brother won't listen to you, and you have to on some level be prepared for that. I hope he does, though. At the end of the day you can't go back to your dad. I don't have any faith that he'd let you escape again. I think you should mention your concerns about your brother yo your uncle as well possibly
@Jasonmon I just realised I never responded to you. I‘m sorry about that. My eldest and elder brother live with my aunts too. My elder brother is away for school, and my eldest brother goes to school from home. And I understand :)
@Xvarnah I know. I feel the same way too. And ok :)
@Jasonmon and @Xvarnah
I spoke with my uncle yesterday about the crazy stairs man. He said I should have told him sooner, and he also plans to do something about it. He was in a hurry and did not have enough time to talk about my living condition. I guess that‘s for another day. The family friend has been preoccupied lately. I will talk to her soon when she has some free time.
Nice one, @aviva! I'm glad you told your uncle about that craziness. Keep on your uncle and that family friend about everything. I think your aunt just needs to have some gentle accountability from outside her household to realize she how disrespectful she's being toward you and your brothers.
Seconding that. I'm glad your uncle is getting involved, and hopefully you'll be able to talk to him about your aunt in the near future. In the meantime this is a big step, and I'm really glad it looks like he has your back so far :)
We're glad to have you too, @aviva :)
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I will eventually type out my next phase. I need to journal it all. It's intensive psychotherapy and, not shockingly, it's messing with my head a lot. I've been trying to cope with that. Fortunately, I only have five days left before life is good again!
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As for granlobomalo, I am commenting here because I wouldn't want to make him feel weird: it seems like he's going through something and he feels lonely. It's weird that he put his houses all up for sale. Did he just retire or did he lose his primary source of income?
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But it seems like he'll be back. Yesterday when he was writing his comments, he said he was drunk. When he wakes up today, he'll probably be like, "Oh man, what was I thinking?" and delete or change them. Either way, we all communicated pretty well that we have his back. Hopefully he won't leave. He's a funny dude!
@Jasonmon I‘m glad there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you :)
Oh. Do you think he feels he can‘t talk to anyone on here? I‘m sure we could help. When he mentioned selling the houses, I thought it was part of a fundraiser and not that they belonged to him. And ok. I really do hope he feels better. I‘m worried for him.
I think granlobomalo has been going through something hard for a while and funsub was his vent, like all of us.. I think whatever it was (I'm guessing the end of a relationship or long-term work) ended and he is starting fresh right now.
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He won't leave completely but he might not be granlobomalo anymore, probably?, because of the guest_ thing. But then guest_ just came along and was extremely graceful with his answer to lobo. Do you understand?
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A "wolf" is smaller than a "bear" but bigger than an "otter." All three terms are slang terms for hairy, gay men. It turns out that granlobomalo's not-gay crush on guest_ was actually a NOT-not-gay crush and the T R U T H thread was lobo's way of clearing the air.
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If it's any consolation, lobo always calls you out specifically when he's feeling lovey dovey. I can tell that he loves you very much and wishes you the best. I'll bet he thinks of you as a "sassy young lady who's going to kick the world's butt." He'll always have your back...
...just like @xvarnah and I :)
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I could be way off on all this but I'm can be pretty good at figuring this stuff out if I put my mind to it. Sometimes I'm miles off, though. I've only read what you guys have read. Do you think I'm crazy with my analysis?
@Jasonmon Oh. I really wish he said something. It seemed more like he was there for people and not many people seemed to be there for him. You mean he feels embarrassed because he actually has a crush on guest_? You‘d have tp shed a bit more light on the “wolf-bear-otter“ thing.
Oh. I really wish he would at least hint to me what‘s wrong. I want to have his back too. And I‘ll always have you and @xvarnah ‘s backs :)
I don‘t think you‘re crazy with it, but Granbo was always indirect sometimes.
He doesn't feel embarrassed. It seems like he just feels really lonely. He's a wolf who just wants a good-hearted, smart man to settle down with but whatever is going on with him is making him feel like that won't happen right now. But alcohol will make you feel like that sometimes..
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I think he knows we're there for him though. All three of us made it very clear in that chat with him, as well as guest_.
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I've been meaning to ask - is t__v__t okay? She disappeared.
I like how the 3 of us have literally taken this random post of a cat and turned it into our own personal little chat-room type thing, with a comment count so obscene people are far too intimidated to intrude to begin with
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I hope you both are doing okay. I know you're both going through things right now, and you inparticular haven't had much chance to talk about it lately @jasonmon , though aviva's just barely had her own chance to as well.
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I don't really know enough about Granlobomalo to speculate. Until this recent comment chain I had no idea he was: older, seemingly somewhat well-off (if he can afford multiple houses and moving etc), or gay/bisexual (still not clear). Not that any of it MATTERS, I just literally had no idea.
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I may have to go re-read what he wrote. I kind of thought he was drunk during the first comments but not later, but I may have misinterpreted. I also completely managed to miss anything amiss between him and guest_
@Xvarnah this is our discussion/“gossip“ point lol. Also I am meeting with the family friend really soon. I spoke with her today and she agreed to make time out to see me really soon. About Granbo, I had no idea either. He never talked about himself.
Good morning, discussion group! Haha.
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Want some funsub trivia that you may or may not know? I like paying attention to users who come and go, and to users who are friends irl. I also like to see what users are from the same area and become friends, or when they just become friends on here, in a random comment thread. There too many to list unless you guys really want to know but here are my favorites: the twin brothers from NZ: flyingoctopus and mrfahrenheit, hilarious sisters in Australia: calvinoot and parisqeen. I like that silvermyth and hyperion bonded over art years ago and both post really creative, original content here, and call each other out sometimes.
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Users reinvent themselves, like: mightyoak->fell_equinox
peachyperssimon-> peachyana->peachyy? (Just a guess)
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And, drumroll please:
leincredibleme ->@elincredibleme ->granlobomalo (99% sure)
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Then again, I half-thought aviva was skittles, so who am I to know for sure? :p I hope you ladies are having a good day!
@Jasonmon You pay a lot of attention to a lot of details compared to @Xvarnah and I.
Huh? If you‘re right, I wonder why he left that account. How are you sure it‘s him? Also, when you mentioned skittles the first time, I thought you were asking about my sexuality lol.
I love paying attention to random stuff like this. Elincredibleme commented every day and was hilariously inventing poems and generally putting in lots of effort. Then he disappeared six or seven months ago, and a few days later granlobomalo showed up with the same personality. Hopefully you'll see what I mean in the next week or two. I'll tell you in this thread if I think lobo is back under a different name or as a guest.
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I'm glad t__v__t is okay and recovering..
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HAHAHA I definitely wasn't inquiring after anyone's sexuality. Maybe I'll try to remember that word though. It kinda works, in a weird way, to ask if someone is "skittles."
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My day was alright, but my car got messed up - it's stuck in second gear :/ (the Friends theme song has been in my head for some crazy reason: "this hasn't been my day, my week, my month or even my year....") I spent most of yesterday trying to figure out how to coax my car into other gears and it's being a big jerk. Oh well. I'll get it eventually!
@jasonmon Ok. I guess you‘re right lol. A bit of euphemism could help. Great to hear about your day. You could just drive it second gear and pray for the best lol(don‘t take that ‘advice‘ literally. I‘ve never driven a car before).
Two people I know a bit well shared very bizarre stories with me this morning. I was thinking I could share them with you and @xvarnah , if that‘s ok
Not that I'm not enjoying the discussion-- I am, it's nice seeing you guys have more lighthearted concerns once in awhile-- I am simply horrendously tired this week and my brain is drawing a blank on responses. So, instead, in a completely out of character move, I'm going to reply with a simple, three-word comment (after this introduction, which doesn't count):
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Fire away, @aviva
Ok. A boy (we‘ll call him Scott). Scott is 13 and his grandmom lets men sleep with him for money. He says his parents don‘t know. He does not want to tell them because his eldest brother also does the same to him. And he doesn‘t want his brother or his grandmom to hurt him since they also threaten him. The mentality he seems to have about it is that he has to do so his grandmom can have a better life.
I was trying to say it indirectly, but I meant they have sex with him.
He and his brother stay at her house when their parents travel. His brother is about 15
He needs to tell his parents. And the police. Holy fuck this isn't even a little bit kidding. I don't know if Jasonmon will want to comment on this overly much just due to his current situation (I could be wrong), but looking out for a woman who is pimping him out and raping him by proxy is unacceptable and disgusting and so very very wrong.
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If you know him then maybe you should direct him to RAINN just so he has that as an option, but... seriously. He can't let this go on. Psychological and physical trauma aside, he could get an STD or God only knows what else. One of these men could KILL him. He is a 13 year old, it is NOT his responsibility to look after his grandmother, especially not this way. If she has issues, there are DOZENS of options available. Financial aid, bank loans, multiple jobs. She could bloody well beg on the street-- and SHOULD-- before putting him through something like this.
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And his brother his part of it... I don't even know what to say about that.
But your friend can't stay in this situation. He's hurting himself and allowing others to abuse him in a situation his parents will NOT thank him for allowing to continue. The effects will be more long-lasting and deeper than he can ever predict currently. I'm not blaming him, but his best defence-- the most powerful weapon in his arsenal-- is to TELL someone.
@xvarnah I told him to tell them but he says he‘d rather deal with it because he was threatened. I don‘t know if he will want to go on Rainn because he appears to want to please his molesters. I think he is afraid and doing something to fix the situation makes him feel unsafe. I told him there were much better ways to make money. I don‘t get why she‘d use her grandson as a prostitute(is that the right word?). I really don‘t know what to tell him now. He even asked what “position would make it hurt less“(I didn‘t respond)
https://hotline.rainn.org/online/ just offer the info to him. There's not a lot more that you can do unless you choose to report it yourself, but I'll wait for @jasonmon 's thoughts on that. There are people who can and will protect him if he does report, but in the meantime people on that site would be able to help him decide what to do
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Prostitution indicates a certain degree of consent, which he is unable to give as he is a minor. It is rape for profit or sexual slavery.
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I don't really know how I feel about giving advice to someone about how to get raped with less pain.
Ok. I just did. You‘re right. His grandmom will face a whole lot of years in prison if she gets arrested.
Also, that‘s why I did not respond to that question. It‘s really sick and extremely disturbing
If nothing is going to change there are things he can do that might make it less painful, but I'd much rather see him just get out of the situation entirely
I want him to get out of there too. It‘s really annoying how abusive guardians mess up a child‘s mentality and cause them to think a particular way.
My friend(let‘s call her Alice) was in a family where she got constantly raped by her parents and siblings. She told me she had no idea that it was illegal and that she was told that she was pathetic and deserved it. I told her to call the cops, she did and both her parents were arrested. She and her siblings were put in therapy. She got adopted and she told me recently that she‘s really happy where she is now. She‘s 15.
Hi! I'm sorry for your friend, @aviva. He's in a bad situation. But there is definitely help for him. His brother needs counceling and his grandmom (sorry) needs punishment. Just think - she won't have to worry about bills anymore, so in a weird way he's helping her a lot.
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There are reasons this type of stuff is frowned on. He's making the best of a bad situation but his life will be better and more full if he gets out of this. Kids need to develop their social skills and learn what it means to be a person. Being in a powerless, sexual situation so young will divert that one-time development window to the wrong thing. Not only that, but he needs to learn he can trust adults and count on others to have his back.
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Do you see what I mean? Right now he's being a good boy and helping the people he loves any way he can. That's a developmentally appropriate attitude. But he's learning from the wrong people. Men are in and out of his life and are using him, his grandmom is happy but...
...using him. He is learning that you need to be used to make people happy. That isn't healthy. He's also getting confused sexually, hurt by his brother, and, I 100% guarantee, withdrawing from his social network and parents which are the only healthy things in his life. He's being sweet and, because of that, he's spiralling into something that will hurt him the longer he is exposed to it. His job isn't worrying about how others deal with his situation. He just needs help.
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As for the threats, that's the only leverage his abusers have. Once he tells, IF no one believes him and they actually try to hurt him them they just proved him right. If no one believes him they'll manipulate him back in and at that point he can freaking record an encounter and reach out to rainn.org right away. It's just really important that you can let him know: 1) he isn't trapped, 2) he'll be okay, and 3) he needs to be brave and take care of himself by doing this so everyone can start to heal.
I just saw your other message. I'm so happy that your other friend is in a good place now! :')
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I have friends in town so I can't be on as much right now, but hang in there and please let me know if you have any questions on what I just typed out. I didn't have time for editing and proofreading so I apologize if it's totally confusing and I will fix it later!
@Jasonmon You‘re right. In prison, she‘ll have free food, accommodation,etc. And he said his brother didn‘t want to do it but was persuaded to. You have a point. He may not realise the damage now, but it will greatly incapacitate him soon(if it hasn‘t already). I think he feels I‘m trying to get him to turn on his family, or he can‘t summon the strength to. And Ok, I will let him know.
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I figured. I could still understand what you meant. For now, I have no questions. I will let you know when I do. Can I tell you and @xvarnah the second situation?
@Jasonmon@Xvarnah
I was typing a response and fell asleep, and when I woke up my battery was dead lol. Ok so:
A girl(we‘ll call her Jessica) told me that she got raped. She‘s in a foster home because her parents died, and was about to be adopted but her soon-to-be step brother raped her. She told me that when she said something about it, they didn‘t believe her because the guy told them that it was consensual(they believe this guy is a great person that always tells the truth). She didn‘t get adopted by his parents anymore, but they told her not to tell the cops or no one will want to adopt her. She was 15 when it happened(she‘s 16 now) and the guy was and still is 19. She said she was diagnosed with PTSD and this gives her extreme anxiety(especially because the guy‘s house isn‘t far from where she is).
There's a big spectrum in the realm of sexual assault. I'm sad this happened to your friend but I'm glad she's not living in the same house as the guy. It sounds like she's seeing a therapist if she's been diagnosed PTSD (sidenote: I have too - I have so much to catch you guys up on!) I don't know what country she lives in but most of them have mandatory reporting so if she tells her therapist about it and names the guy, they are obligated to report it to the police.
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I don't know what she wants though. I don't want her to jeopardize her living situation. Just by telling on him, she already did three big things: 1) she proved she was not someone he could walk all over, 2) she scared the crap out of him and saved herself (and maybe others) future abuse, and 3) if he does it again and someone reports him, the police and family will really start listening to her. The window to prosecute sex crimes is gigantic for a reason. Sometimes it takes years for a serial abuser to taste karma...
She just needs to know she is awesome for getting down the road this far. She should focus on her therapy and the tools she's learning there. I have an app named "Calm" that has been helping me through times when I get "triggered." (I hate that that word has been waterd down by recent SJWs. It's more of a totally paralyzing collapse in your psyche. This is exactly what it feels like: https://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/x6i9r/shell_shocked_soldier_hiding_at_a_fireworks_show/)
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But if she hangs in there and realizes there's nothing that piece-of-junk guy can do to her now, then she will be well on her road to recovering from this. She's survived a lot in her life. This doesn't have to define her :)
If she was in therapy, I doubt she still is. You do? I had no idea(my friend had it too, but he saw suicide as an answer. I‘m glad you‘re ok). I don‘t think she told her therapist(if she has one now) about it because she said she was told at her foster home not to mention it to anyone. They don‘t believe it was a rape. The guy told them that she gave consent, and she said she never did. The cops don‘t know about it either. I will tell her about the app. And I will read the article too :) I did tell her that the guy can‘t hurt her, she‘s still worried because she saw him less than a week ago. She mentioned that she has a constant fear that someone will break in and rape her. She says she loves photography and I told her to do that.
Calm wants money but they have a good amount of free content. For me, some days are better than others but it's good to practice calming techniques before you need them. (This goes for you guys too..) Calm also has a section on sleeping if you can't sleep.
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I just linked to the picture, I didn't read the article. The picture somehow captures the exact feeling of what it's like in an episode. Idk if the feeling translates well or not.
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Last thing: even if she gave consent, 15 and 19 is still rape almost everywhere in the world. Again, I don't want her to get kicked out into the street, but if this is still haunting her later, she can tell the police.All they'd need to do is ask the family if their son had sex with their foster kid. If they said, "yes but it was consensual," it's still statutory rape and probably incest. She'd have at least until she's 21 to press charges; probably until she's 30.
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Having her focus on photography is perfect advice! She needs something positive
I'm not going to lie, I'm becoming slightly terrified of wherever you live.
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I think Jason's right that if she's not in therapy she should be, or even talking to someone on rainn, or whatever else. She doesn't have to go to the police if she feels like that would be too overwhelming, but she definitely should be talking to someone who will listen. It's so incredibly vital that she does. As Jason said, if nothing else they can help her learn to cope with the trauma and triggers as they arise. And she'll need that. So many people struggle in silence with these things for years and they don't realize just how deeply and long-lasting it impacts their lives, from going out, to romantic relationships, to doubting yourself, to even feeling unsafe in your own home.
I also think that, if the foster program isn't aware of what's happened, she also should at least alert them that this male is preying on girls. Consensual or not, this is a family looking to adopt, and under no circumstance should their son be taking advantage of girls in that situation. Pursing them in any kind of manner that isn't platonic is taking advantage. There IS a power dynamic there. He has every ability to blackmail or co-erce them, and the family should be red-flagged and hopefully rendered ineligible for all future adoptions.
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It's entirely up to her, but even if the foster program chooses to do nothing then at the very least she tried.
Also she needs to know that, what the parents mean when they say "telling the cops will make people not want to adopt her" what they mean is "telling the cops will put a black mark on our son's life, and we will do our very best to lash out at you for that."
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It is a threat, and an entirely insidious manipulation on their part. It also shows a type of malicious behaviour, and If she does choose to go to the cops, she definitely should mention that the parents approached her in this manner.
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What horrific people. I can understand, to an extent, wanting to believe your child, but this is taking it entirely too far.
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Either way the most important thing is, again, that she seeks out some help, and that she remembers this isn't her fault.
@Jasonmon I‘m sure she‘ll love the app nonetheless. Do you mean calming techniques like temple rubs?
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I read the article/comments. There, people shared their personal experiences and those they had with other people with PTSD.
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And yes, it‘s a pretty good “distraction“
@xvarnah She lives in a differnt city haha. And you‘re very right. She says the ‘management‘ know about it but they still think she‘s over-reacting. She seems afraid to do much now. I will urge her to seek help when possible.
"Calm" is more about mentally calming yourself. It teaches breathing techniques and mindfulness and stuff like that.
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I should read the article! Thanks. It's so interesting and, I guess, unsurprising that humans react the exact same way to extreme stress.
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I definitely don't think your friend should officially report anything until she's sure it won't make things worse for her. Just like I don't think you should report anything until you're sure it won't make things worse for you. Life is long and there's plenty of time to get stable and then make things right in the world.
@aviva well I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse.
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While this is slightly different than your situation, the same still applies: how she feels is important. At this point, she has tried, and now she just needs to focus on talking to someone in a non-legal or judgemental setting. And focus on herself, not him or them. As Jason said, there is a time limit on her reporting, but it's a fairly lengthy one, and she shouldn't feel pressured to do anything about it now but look after herself.
@Jasonmon That sounds like an awesome app.
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Did you get to read the article?
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And ok. We won‘t.
@Xvarnah Probably both lol
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You‘re right. She appeared to be doing really good when she messaged me. I‘ll tell her.
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Side note: I feel awkward/overwhelmed(I don‘t know) about turning 18. It‘s like it‘s finally happening. I get to be legally an adult and I still remember wishing for it since I was 12. So much has happened. I‘m changing my middle name too.
@aviva I read the comments on the photo I linked to. I didn't see an article, but I don't have the Reddit app? Either way, some of the comments were crazy powerful!
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When is your birthday?? I'll be so much less terrified of you when you're not a "minor female" anymore! Haha And congratulations on kicking butt in life so far and hitting this big milestone.
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Can fubsubstance pick your new middle name for you, or are you being boring and going with one you had in mind already?
@jasonmon It wasn‘t an article(I just called it that because you did). I‘m glad it was a good read.
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My birthday is on August 21st. I‘m not sure how to take that, but ok. And thank you!
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I don‘t mind if Funsubstance does lol
@aviva Good, we have time to come up with a perfect middle name for you.
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I'm not terrified of YOU, per se; just a bit scared of every minor female because I am prohibited from having friendships with them right now. It's a weird restriction that messes with your mind. Like, I get it if someone was going around befriending girls and taking it further by buying them gifts or being creepy. But that's not something that's even on my radar; I don't do that. But now I'm in an awkward position to keep track of all girls around me who are under 18. HOW CREEPY IS THAT? It's the worst.. So I guess I'm more annoyed by my absurd situation than actually "scared" of you or anyone. Hopefully by July/September, I'll have all my restrictions removed and I can just be a normal idiot again lol
@aviva I'm glad she's doing better at least
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Haha I remember feeling a bit like that when I turned 18 and then it happened and literally nothing changed except I could now legally do things I had no intention of doing and I was like "well THAT was anticlimactic."
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Is there anything specific that you're feeling overwhelmed about?
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As a side note what were you thinking of changing your name too?
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And as @jasonmon explained his situation is a bit tricky, which is part of why I wasn't sure if he'd be able to talk too much about your friend since she's a female minor. It's not a personal sort of thing, he's just in a tight spot
@Jasonmon Yay!
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It‘s ok. I understand ^^
@Xvarnah How encouraging lol. Turning 18 means that my dad has no power over my life, and can‘t ever have custody of me(that‘s good). And I won‘t really need consent from an adult to go through some long processes to get paper work,etc.
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There‘s just this feeling that I‘m no longer going to be a child and will have to take full control/responsibility over my life. I feel like the level of protection drops because people expect you to be able to take care of yourself. It‘s like I‘m stepping into a whole new world. I don‘t know how it‘s going to be. I heard that kids are taken more seriously than adults in some cases(not sure how true that is).
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I have not fully decided what name yet
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I understand ^^
I was waiting till I got enough information about it. So we had a case in court a few days ago. My dad didn‘t show us as usual(he never has). Turns out that he wants to transfer the case to a “weaker“ court a bit far away from where he lives. He says he doesn‘t want to be recognised(aka he does not want to “soil his reputation“ because many people know him there). He complained that he didn‘t like the court‘s idea of settling the issue once and for all(he also does not want to have to pay some form of support for me since I am under 18. It‘s optional for my siblings. He is afraid of getting arrested too). The judge said that if he can‘t work things out with us before the next case, the case will not be transferred. Funny thing, he was the one that took the case there in the first place when he sued my aunt and my uncle.
That's good news! Sorry you have to go to court. Believe me, I know that's stressful. But it sounds like your dad is just full of threats and intimidating and doesn't have a legal leg to stand on.
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Now he'll have to negotiate like a human or face legal consequences. Hopefully he only gets a month or two and they don't allow him more time to come up with another stalling tactic. I'm so glad you guys are standing up to this maniac!
This just sounds like another stalling tactic. And hopefully your brothers know better than to fall for it. I doubt you were planning on working things out with him, but definitely I would say don't do so. It's 100% manipulation and him attempting to save his own skin.
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Hopefully the whole thing isn't shaking you up too badly
New update: My uncle, brother, and I were ordered to see our dad at his house to discuss a settlement of the issue. We‘ll be going with security, if that makes you feel relieved. It‘s on Monday or Tuesday next week
The court wants an enviroment he will feel safe in.
@Jasonmon You‘re right.
@Xvarnah I understand. Unfortunately, I have to see him.
I do feel uncomfortable about it, in all
It bothers me that it's at HIS house and not neutral ground. I'm not sure why that would be allowed. Will the security be staying in the room with you? If not you should definitely be making a request for them to do so-- or even seeing if you can potentially have a lawyer present. I'm not fully sure how to go about doing that, but I don't think you guys should be alone or unrepresented with your father.
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Your uncle is going with you you say, is this the same uncle that you trust?
@aviva my advice to you is to download a voice recorder app on your phone. Test it out tonight to make sure it records when the screen is dark. Then record everything at the meeting. Later, you won't have to tolerate him backtracking or lying. And you can refer back to it to recall exactly what was said. Please do that, for your sanity. I wouldn't even mention it to anyone. If something comes up later, you can bust it out.
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I've had several conversations on my life that I've been happy I recorded.
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Edit: cleaned up autocorrects and made the comment more clear.
Good question! Idk what the laws are in @aviva's area, but most places are "single party," which will allow a recording to be admissible if one party knows of it. That prevents illegal wire taps, but accounts for situations like this. I was mainly suggesting a recording so she could show family members or interested parties what was really said. I don't anticipate this going farther in court, but it is likely a recording would help a lot. Either way, it isn't illegal.
@Xvarnah That bothers me too. We will most likely be sitting outside. And the security and our lawyer will be with us at all times. We won‘t be alone with him. Yes, it‘s the same uncle I can trust. My dad is greatly afraid of him for some reason, and my uncle won‘t hesistate to beat him if he tries anything crazy.
@Jasonmon Immediately I read that, I quickly downloaded it lol. It works when the screem is turned off and can pick up sounds far away from my phone, so I can have it in my hand while everyone is talking. We were advised in court to keep records in writing or on a device when crazy things happen. It‘s a family court and several things are allowed for safety sake, especially since some people reported how unsafe he is
When you're heading over, make sure to start the recording. If you're anything like me, you'll be nervous when you're actually there and you might forget to start it.
And make sure your battery is charged and you have free memory, because if you're like me you'll press record and record 15 minutes of pocket sounds and then your phone will die
@Xvarnah Ok. I‘ll definitly charge my phone and carry a powerbank with me. I could act like I‘m trying to respond to a text and hit record.
@Jasonmon Ok. I definitely can‘t be nervous around my dad. I believe it‘s the other way around.
@Xvarnah@Jasonmon
New update: My uncle has refused it. He says we should not bother about the settlement thing. He also was wondering why it had to be at my dad‘s house. So we are not going there anymore. I believe a new location will be fixed, or it will most likely be dropped altogether. And turns out that it wasn‘t the judge that ordered it, but out lawyer‘s “suggestion.“ She did not inform us before she said that garbage.
It's very hard for me not to get mad at lawyers and social workers in these situations sometimes. I try to remember how overworked some of them are, but it still gets my goat when it feels like they're trying to just make things go away as fast and simply as possible and make everything seem "nice" regardless of who gets hurt.
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I'm really glad your uncle is looking out for you at least
Good! That whole situation seemed weird. What does your uncle mean admit the "settlement thing." Your dad still has to come to court, right? I thought (hope) you mentioned that if he doesn't show up in court this time, the case will be ruled in your favor. That'd be amazing!
@xvarnah True, I just wish she‘d at least seek our permission first. She just seems to be making my uncle spend more due to her “stupidity.“
@jasonmon The “settlement thing“ is what I told you about us seeing our dad. My dad still refuses to come to court so it “doesn‘t tarnish his reputation.“ Sometimes, his lawyer does not even show up, so he is basically trying to delay things. And you‘re right, it would be amazing!
That could also be it. Not a lawyer but one of my cousins dealt with a parole officer who had a sort of similar take on things. Rather than do her job and try and actually follow the guidelines it was all about "let's just see if we can do it this way cause who's REALLY getting hurt, right?? And then I can go home early and dust off my hands and say I did my job." She's one of the few people I kind of wish I'd had the opportunity to punch in the face looking back on it.
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As a side note I realize I should probably avoid casually saying things like that since I'm not actually a violent person, and I always half expect you or Jasonmon to scold me <.<
@xvarnah That‘s really annoying. It‘s like “this isn‘t my problem and it won‘t affect me in anyway, so lets just play by my rules so I can get home for my evening nap.“
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I won‘t because I can tell it‘s really frustrating. Plus, I think we‘ve all had moments like that. You are more vocal about it(not in a bad way) :)
Indeed. And dangerous. That's why I'm glad your uncle is paying attention and gives a crap about you guys. And that you'll be 18 before long
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Haha well I'm usually more bark than bite. It's often more my way of saying "this person really pissed me off, I hate what they did, and it'd be nice if I'd done more about it or karma came knocking"
@xvarnah You‘re right. I‘m glad he is even when he is the busiest person in family now. You guys mentioned something about picking a middle name for me.
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I know. The way the world is getting to now, it seems like stupidity is being allowed to thrive.
Haha I was just curious what names you had. I can't be trusted to name things. Why did you think of some things?
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Don't even get me started on the stupidity lately or I'll rant for the next 3 hours, burn down the whole comment section, distract from everything, and then my thumbs will fall off
Ah, stupidity will always be thriving. Try to minimize the stupid people in your life and you'll be happier.
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@aviva, I think @xvarnah isn't asking for your name. She's asking for what thoughts you already have on a possible middle name. Also, don't listen to her, she came up with great cat names for someone yesterday haha
Well I normally try but lately I've been following a shitstorm of it that's semi related to the kind of thing you went through @jasonmon online. Despite knowing how ridiculous parts of it are I still get caught up because the outcome of it all feels incredibly important if that makes sense.
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But I digress
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Haha she probably was, but considering most of the things I've had to name in my life have relied on the pokemon+y method (the thing is named it's species with a y at the end) I'd feel more comfortable hearing what thoughts she has first
@xvarnah I haven‘t fully decided on a name yet. I‘m sure you‘re pretty good at naming things. Your username says it all.
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I trust you can lol.
@jasonmon True, but it sucks if you have to live with them, or see them every single day at work, or something.
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I understood that she wasn‘t asking for my name haha. I wouldn‘t mind telling her if she did ask. Really? If anyone has a male cat that they don‘t have a name for, name him Gerald lol.
@xvarnah I didn‘t quite get your last message. Please could you shed some more light on it?
The fact that I don't actually know how to properly PRONOUNCE my username probably isn't helping your cause haha x)
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And my naming method for all the things I've named (which is mostly limited to stuffed animals, fish hermit crabs, and my snake) mostly involved taking whatever the animal was and adding a y at the end. So I had a stuffed wolf named wolfey, etc. Admittedly this hasn't always been the case-- my snake is named Eden. However this took me about 5 months to settle on and I still refer to her as "snakey" about 6 times out of 10
@xvarnah Lol. I pronounce your name as “ex-var-na“
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Don‘t worry you‘ll get there. I named my stuffed toys the weirdest names lol. I gave them each personalities, voices, and families,etc. I had a stuffed bunny named “Rabbity.“ She was spoiled, and could do magic like Gwen in Ben 10. She‘s also the oldest kid with tons of younger and messed up siblings. I could keep going on lol
@Jasonmon Let me start from the beginning: There was a lady who came over to my dad‘s house to teach me several things back in 2015. She and her husband weren‘t finiancially stable then. My then nanny wrongfully took part of this lady‘s(let‘s call the lady Emily) for selfish reasons. Emily did get angry about it. I hoarded every money given to me that year, and when I saw her situation, I gave her the money she needed out of my savings. She told me she‘ll never forget it and that her husband was happy I did so. Fast forward to last year, my eldest brother ran into her husband(let‘s call him Matt). Matt dropped my brother off back here and he reminisced about when we met him and his wife(who now got back on their feet and were living a super comfortable life) They know about our dad.
Matt messaged me(after none of us were able to reach to them since last September) and told me that he had been away for a bit and asked about my school. He said he was going to pay for my tuition to go to the university of my choice(and his wife agreed to teach me a new language).
And the cousin(let‘s call her Jojo) is the one I said turned majority of the family against me. Yesterday, was another cousin‘s birthday(let‘s call him Jerome), and Jojo was bitter as usual. She was asked to share the birthday cake again with us and because I was the only one that wanted it, she took the cake away and acted like she didn‘t hear me.
Your names for people crack me up, @aviva lol
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So, Jojo is a jerk. I wish I could mess with her mind. If someone did that cake thing to me, I don't know what I'd do but it would be memorable. I don't know how bad it would be for you if infuriated her, though. Definitely remember this and, next time there's cake, bring her several pieces over the next twenty minutes and tell everyone she really likes her cake.
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Pettiness aside, your friends whose fake names are Emily and Matt sound amazing! That was so kind of you to help them when they needed it. I can't believe they're paying for your first year of college! You deserve some goodness after the stuff you've been through. That makes me happy!
@Jasonmon Lol.
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The thing is, when my aunt(Jerome‘s mom) asked my about the cake and I told her what Jojo did, Jojo‘s mom quickly defended her demon of a daughter. I can swear that one day Jojo will definitely slap her mom. I already enjoy annoying Jojo. I do that best by talking to the family friend I mentioned to you a few weeks ago. Also I don‘t quite get what you mean about the cake. I think you missed out a few words.
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And they said all through my years in the University and not just one year :)
Yay! What is the update?
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I just realized I didn't respond last time. That's amazing that your friends want to pay for your WHOLE college tuition. Holy smokes!
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About the cake, I was just saying to bring her a piece next time before anyone asks. And then a few minutes later bring her another piece. And then do it one more time to mess with her because you "know how much she loves her cake." It's just me being petty but it's fun to think about.
@Jasonmon So the Child‘s Rights organisation that got us out has a new head and she said she read our statements against our father and says she doubts we were ever abused(our statements clearly stated that our father threatened to kill us, etc.). She also lied that she spoke with me(I think she took bribe). Now, she sued my uncle and aunt for “hindering their investigation,“ even when her superiors were the ones that told them to cease(she wasn‘t there at that time). Their old head(a man) wanted to send us back to our dad or put us in a shelter/foster home because he thought “it was a small issue that can be solved with talking.“ The court recognised me as old enough to decide who I want to live with. Now this new lady, wants us to “reconcile“ with our dad before she drops the charges against my uncle and aunt. We are to meet with our father in a court of law or at their office to talk things out.
...The agreement is that even if our father refuses a reconcilation, they‘ll consider dropping their charges. Our uncle(the one that isn‘t biased) sat us down on Sunday to tell us about it.
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And I know it‘s awesome! :)
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Also, she doesn‘t even let me touch the cake for me to do that, but it‘s a great idea nonetheless. She‘s extremely and excessively paranoid
I figured.
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And we haven‘t. My dad has contributed(by giving them money) a lot to the police here and I‘m not sure if they will do much to help if they know he is involoved.
I don't know what the options are in this kind of scenario.. How is your dad getting all this money to bribe them? Are your brothers of legal age? Perhaps you could write a judge out of the area or talk to a reporter or something... I'm not sure
@xvarnah We don‘t know where he gets his money from(he doesn‘t even leave the house), but a lot of people in the city respect him(aka want money from him). My brothers are of legal age(I‘m the youngest). I thought of doing that but it depends on if my uncle and aunt want that. We decided to report it when my dad paid people to kidnap us back in 2017(we weren‘t at home at the time they got to my aunt‘s house). The reporter we talked to said he wanted to interview my dad first. Well, money was spent but nothing happened
@xvarnah If there‘s one, I don‘t know. I‘ll try looking for one. I‘ve been telling my uncle and aunt to change our lawyer for months now!! They still won‘t listen to me
@aviva I know you already tagged him but I'd really like @jasonmon's opinion (if he feels comfortable giving it) because he IS in America and has more experience with the legal system than I do.
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I think you should definitely talk to your uncle and aunt again and tell them how concerned you are. Your brothers as well. There may even be some abuse hotlines or websites like RAINN that might be worth digging up, I'm not sure yet.
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How are YOU holding up?
Oh hai! Soooo this is interesting stuff. I mentioned recording your meeting with your dad. At this point, I'm going to expand that advice to recording every meeting that has anything to do with your dad. How embarrassing would it be for that lady if you had a recording of the conversation she's denying she had with you? Also, in the heat of the moment, you'll miss certain nuances of any conversation, so it's a good practice anyway.
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As for a reporter, they are never your friend. They just want a good story. Sometimes that's okay and sometimes it backfires. I would be very careful before involving the media. Consider it the "low road." Your dad is going to beat you at that game because he has more experience on the low road. I think the high road is generally better, even if it seems more difficult.
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The "negotiation" you have will ultimately come down to two things: 1) how convinced your uncle is by your father and 2) what you want. I feel like the answer to 1) is that your uncle...
sees through your dad's malarky. The answer to 2) is that YOU have powerful input, even if it feels like you don't. The good news is, August 21st is coming up fast and you can just drag your feet and "run out the clock."
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When it comes to lawyers, they're expensive and people get emotionally invested with their particular one. Either way, the lawyer can't make your uncle sign anything. If you think your uncle would be tempted to sign you back to your dad, you could possibly file for emancipation.
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I don't know what country you're in but in the US, you can opt to be an emancipated minor and neutralize any claim your dad has on you right now. But then your aunt could legally boot you from her house. Idk if she actually would but it would be legal for her at that point. Mainly, it would send an undeniable signal to your dad and the authorities about your EXACT feelings on the matter.
@Jasonmon Advice taken. (I lost the notification for this post). And that would be pretty embarassing for her haha.
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And I understand. High road it is!
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This uncle doesn‘t believe or like my dad. He said he has no intention for us to go back to him unless we want to. He says he doesn‘t mind continuing to take the responsibity of a father [figure] to us if our dad decides not to play his role. This uncle is totally unbiased. My mom was the closet sibling to him, and when she was killed, it hit him a lot harder than my mom‘s other siblings. And you‘re right lol.
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I read about it. I may consider it if things get out of hand(but since I have a couple of months to go, spending money on that may not be a great idea. But I could be wrong).
^ it's a good thing Jason said something because I only got one alert for this post and it was for catfluff's comment. Also, as a heads up @Aviva there are other people potentially viewing this post now. I don't think you necessarily mind, but just in case there's anything you just wanted specifically me and Jason to hear I thought I'd mention it.
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Anyway, what's going on? I know you've mentioned you've been having a rough couple of days
@Xvarnah I noticed when I commented. I do mind because a couple of stuff I talk about with you guys is really personal, but it‘s the internet so whatever :) I‘m cool with it if it doesn‘t disrupt our little group.
@Jasonmon
So I just learned today that the cousin who messed up the way my mom‘s family sees me(who‘s fake name is still Jojo) caused more damage than I thought. I ran into her mom today while she was about driving out. I wanted to tell her something really important and tapped on her car window. She locked the doors and took it upon herself to be rude to me. She still ignored me when I got ‘home.‘ Jojo and her mom and sister went to a family friend‘s(the lady I told you her mom looks up to) office on Monday(I‘ll call her Lae).
Lae called me later that day and asked why she hasn‘t seen me in almost a month. She wants me to be there on Sunday because she has something to give me. Also, how do I deal with Jojo because her sister told me Jojo told her mom something about me and no greatly dislikes for it.
@Xvarnah They don‘t directly keep me away from her. I really don‘t want to be around Jojo‘s family for long periods of time. I feel uncomfortable and unhappy around them.
Okay that's what I thought.
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Tbh I'm not sure there's much you can do about JoJo's behaviour. You could try talking to her about it, but she genuinely doesn't seem like the kind of person who would care, and your aunts and such are clearly too narrow-minded to listen to anything you might have to say. Your best bet from what I've seen so far sounds like maybe talking to Lae and seeing what she has to say about approaching it since she knows your aunts somewhat and apparently knows how to make them listen
@aviva I want to understand the situation. What did you mean by "Also, how do I deal with Jojo because her sister told me Jojo told her mom something about me and no greatly dislikes for it."?
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I think I know what you're saying but I can get confused and then I confuse everyone else haha
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Also, @xvarnah, weeks ago you mentioned not knowing the pronunciation of your funsub name. I've gone with something like "ZVAR-nuh" when I say it out loud to someone irl. I think the first time I mentioned it (when we were getting in to my drama here in this thread), my sister and I debated and settled on that haha
@aviva please clear up Jason's confusion for him, because being confused is *my* domain, and if HE gets confused when I'm already confused then I'll become doubly confused and we may never survive the fallout
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@jasonmon haha it's kind of interesting learning you've actually tried to say it out loud. I haven't. Truth be told I go back and forth between ex-varnah and Zvarnah. I think Zvarnah, as you and your sister decided, is probably what I'd lean toward. But then wiki suggests this: "Khvarenah or khwarenah" (assuming that's the right word) and we're lost once again. -insert shrugging man-
@xvarnah My eldest brother told me to talk to Jojo. When I did, she tried to make herself look like the victim. She just doesn‘t want me to be in “her territory.“ And I will talk to Lae really soon about it. I was suppose to see her last Tuesday but I when I got there she was in a meeting. I texted her but she didn‘t see it until I left. She said I should‘ve called but I feared that would‘ve been a bad idea(she later made it clear that she didn‘t mind me calling her at that time because it was important that she saw me). She wants to plan out another time she could see me. And lol, I have clarified it below :)
@Jasonmon Oh, sorry about the typos. I meant Jojo‘s sister(whom I will call Ellie) told me that based on all the stuff Jojo tells their mom against me, her mom has “lost every little bit of respect she had for me.“ Ellie said this when I asked why her mom was rude to me earlier yesterday. Also, I was basically wondering what to do about it.
So basically JoJo is a spoiled, self-centered, jealous, threatened, insecure brat. Which is pretty much what I suspected, and why I said talking probably wouldn't have much effect unfortunately because the mom wants to believe these things. To me your uncle or Lae really sound like your best bet
I'm afraid that doesn't help your situation much but it may help you stop expending as much energy on them. Which isn't much. Jason may have some better advice, mind you. I'm surprised you don't live with your uncle with all that's happening
Thanks for clarifying, @aviva! I'd definitely talk to Lae when you see her this Sunday. I am glad she notices when you're gone and specifically requests you. I'd tell her about this and mention that you are trying to be a good friend and family member but you don't know what to do so they'll like you. Ask her what to do.
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I think her advice will be to hang in there and be a good example. I am also 99% sure Lae will decide to have a talk with Jojo's mom about who you and your brothers are and remind this lady why she took you guys in. I think that's what needs to happen to calm down your aunt. I don't have much hope for Jojo until she gets a little more maturity, which might take years. In this case, you're going to need to have good, healthy boundaries. Remember, if you are sad because SHE did something to hurt you, you are burning more emotional energy than you need to. Take a deep breath and give yourself permission to let it go and think about something else.
And if things are eating you up inside, call Lae our reach out to us here. It sounds like Lae would love to talk to you about it, and @xvarnah and I should be close by too.
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Does that make sense? @xvarnah, did I miss anything obvious?
@jasonmon I think you hit the nail on the head. You said what I was trying to say, but definitely worded it better. And I definitely second that, @Aviva - you know we're here if you need to vent and such
@Jasonmon I understand. I have reached a point where I don‘t really plan on getting them to like me. I noticed that they hate me not just because Jojo lied against me but also because they had little “after-thoughts“ when we started living with them. Jojo‘s lies just fed their doubts. That‘s why they act the way they do even when there is no evidence that I did anything bad in the first place. It‘s more like they wanted an opportunity to air out their thoughts. I recently found out that an aunt tried to convince my grandmom to kick us out for over a year and she refused to. I really just want to know how to survive and thrive right now because I‘m tired of their garbage.
Jojo‘s mom didn‘t take us in. Our uncle(the one responsible for us) took us in, but decided it wasn‘t safe for us to live with him. The house Jojo and co. live in was paid for by this uncle. Our grandmom was ill and lives with us too. Basically, it‘s a family house. I am not bothered by Jojo, but the side effects of her actions are costly.
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Thank you so much. I will definitely reach out to her or you both if I need to vent or talk.
@Xvarnah And thank you too!! :)
I‘m not upset with you, @Xvarnah. The comment I deleted on the other post said: “@xvarnah I know. I just can‘t cope with wholesome posts being turned to nasty/kinky/dirty. It was funny-ish the first few times, but now it‘s getting too much and I don‘t want anything to do with it.“
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@Jasonmon We had a discussion with the people who got us out 2 years ago concerning us and when we will meet our father to discuss “reconcilation.“ We aren‘t going back to him. These people who tried to get us to go back to him last year are now speaking positively. I did tell them that I had no ill feelings towards my dad and I had chosen to forgive him and put that energy into building myself instead of being bothered by him. A day has been fixed for us to discuss with our dad at a court and they have dropped charges against my uncle and aunt. I recorded the convo too. I will have another update about next week or so.
That's fair. Tbh I forgot the one post was on a post about someone's pet until just last night and I felt a bit bad.
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That sounds positive about the stuff with your dad also
@aviva Good work recording that conversation! The people who got you out two years ago want you to reconcile?
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I'm glad the charges against your uncle and aunt have been dropped. Did the court do that or did your dad?
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YOU don't have to talk to your dad, do you?? Will you be in the same place as him? If so, will it be supervised by law enforcement? I don't need to tell you but I'm going to anyway: please record everything :p Have you listened to your first recording to make sure you got it clearly?
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On a different note, I also get annoyed when comment sections turn dirty for no reason. When it happens, I lik tend to say things like, "your soul will be torn from your body" or something equally unexpected. It'll shut down the person or derail them into a different direction. You and @xvarnah are both good at being creative and off-the-wall. Give it a try sometime. It doesn't have to be threatening, like soul-stealing. It can be a joke or light-hearted haha
@jasonmon Thanks. And yes. These people are the Child‘s Right that got me out.
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The charges were by these people. They suggested to see my siblings and I to discuss before they consider dropping the charges.
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It‘s not a must to talk to my dad but it will help the case. We will be meeting in a court. And I really don‘t mind. If he tries to kill me, I‘ll try to kill him, and he knows that. And yes, law enforcement are handling it and my recording was clear. I will record everything lol.
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Lol. And I‘ll try that. Thanks!
@xvarnah It‘s ok :)
Are you wanting to drop the charges?
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I assume your dad would be smart enough to not try and kill you in front of your siblings and other witnesses so hopefully it doesn't come to that
Hi @aviva! I think court stuff is super stressful, but ultimately good, because the big decisions are finally getting settled. I have a good feeling about your case because any judge will be trained to decide between right and wrong and they'll see right through your dumb dad.
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Our thoughts are with you! Good luck :) Please let us know what happens because even something that seems imperfect on the surface can actually be for the best if you look at it differently.
@xvarnah I‘m doing great. And the case in court was adjourned because my uncle could not make it. He was out of town for some time. Thank you!! :)
@jasonmon Thank you!! Also, the notification for this post just vanished. I looked through all my notifications(even those 4 days old) and could not find it. I‘m glad I bookmarked this page.
P.S: Would it be a good idea if we(i.e. @xvarnah and @jasonmon ) move this convo to another older post? We can discuss other stuff on here. I felt uncomfortable opening up a few months ago but I‘m more comfortable now. I prefer if just you both knew the updates in my life.
It's too far to scroll, so @jasonmon there's a post of a girl laying on her couch with a cat about to pounce on her. Not a super explicit post but she is in her underwear. Post is called "The Attack on Pearl Harbor - 1941"
@jasonmon the same pixelated woman (I believe) just got reposted, but a MUCH larger size. Post is currently at the very front page, but when you see this itmay have moved. It's called "the hero we deserve" I think.
Oh geez, okay thanks! @aviva, you'll only get notifications for comments, but likes. And I have stucc to say about what you posted earlier. I'm preparing for a snow storm rn but I should be on a lot tomorrow!
@jasonmon post that technically has most of their bodies covered by some holes, but very naked women nonetheless.
Post is called: "Maybe you like volleyball...But do you like beach volleyball more?"
@jasonmon a cosplayer (not sure how old she is. Could be late teens or early twenties) dressed as Lola bunny I think. Either way a fairly provocative picture.
Title is: "I love this game"
@jasonmon heads up-- the first genuine porn-soliciter of 2019 has made an appearance. It looks like the post has been deleted right away but just so you have some forewarning since these people are like weeds or foot fungus and tend to come back
I've heard of this sleep thing. Supposedly it's important.
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Either way, I Dont think he'll be back tonight, but there's always potential for the future. Nevertheless get some rest
@jasonmon title of post "Santa knows if you've been"
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As a side note I'm getting a little tired of all the girl posts lately so in a bit I might be posting a dude *cosplaying sailor Venus. Not sure where it falls on your spectrum but i'll warn you if I do
Haha I guess. It's not so bad when it's just once in awhile, but lately there's been so many pics that are nothing but girls' asses or bodies (and, ironically, then posts mocking the girls in the posts when they literally had nothing to do with the redistribution or all the people going nuts in the comments) and none being marked NSFW. But because people like their thongs it's okay
<.<
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It's not a huge problem, just gets a bit tedious after awhile and the troll in me is getting a bit restless
It has been annoying lately, @xvarnah - both the scantily-clad females and the comments trashing them. I can only report the bots (which I do constantly, with comments like, "c'mon guys!")
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I can comment on user's posts but usually the posters on funsub are pretty okay. I feel bad because I was kinda mean to cotten_eye_joe yesterday. He reposted something nsfw that wasn't marked nsfw and I was kind of a little snot to him. Oh well..
I don't remember what he posted-- if I saw it. Usually I either report, or if I do comment it's to tell people to make it nsfw, but doesn't go very far unless like 6 other people also report.
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I agree, the community itself *generally* doesn't post too much stuff on their own. But the attitude they have toward the posts themselves is sometimes less than encouraging. I also find the whole Thot movement to be a bit hypocritical and ridiculous and it's been popping up so much lately (mrsuperman seems to be a BIG fan for whatever reason). Not that I want to be a SJW or anything, but sometimes it gets to the point where it's like "that's not even remotely close to what anyone came to this website to see." <_<
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Ah well, I'll probably be in a better mood tomorrow
Nah, you're not crazy - it's been annoying. I do what I can with that group of commenters but they're like a half-step up from guests. The annoying issues for me are the "thot" bashing, the hang-em-all attitude, and confusing genders and sexes. That last one is relatively new in the world but it's certainly getting a hateful backlash.
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All of those attitudes come from the type of person who lacks empathy, which is exactly the type of person that sets me on edge haha. I try and play nice in the comments and deflect their comments to something funny.
On a mostly unrelated note I've just realized lately that I've been somehow reading mrsuperman's name as Mrs superman all this time, and thought he was a woman
@jasonmon some woman in her underwear in half a post called "only too true." Also cotten_eyed_joe apparently wants to rally people to post pictures of butt all over the website. So far he's gotten mostly negative feedback but we'll see what happens.
@jasonmon a pic titled "don't let this die." I'm not really sure this is worrisome or not, but it's a caricature of the Starbucks siren with her legs in the air. Can't really see anything, but It doesn't appear she has a shirt on so just in case
It's a bloody marathon for my thumb to get down here haha.
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Anyway, @jasonmon I've seen the meme of Daenerys and Khal Drogo a few times and it just occurred to me it might need a warning. Despite nothing graphic or any nudity showing, it is more or less a marital rape scene and you can clearly see she's crying, so just to be on the safe side
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Title is: "1 soup to go please"
@jasonmon okay technically it's most likely the people in question are all male, but there's a bunch of bare-ass butts on a post titled "bottoms up" since a bunch of guys are mooning a speed camera
@jasonmon I'm not sure whether to alert you on this one or not. There's a post titled "Nice glamorous selfie" and there's nothing really WRONG with it, however the last frame shows a girl who I can only assume is a teenager with her legs in the air and she's wearing shorts or something. She's using her feet to hold a giant light over her so she can take a pic of herself. but I've seen enough twitter madness lately that I could see someone seeing you seeing this and going after you with a microscope over it so I thought I'll let you know and you can decide. Again, it's not even a little NSFW
Meme featuring a Victoria's secret ad titled "Victoria's secret is she had sleep apnea." Just standard VS fare, but includes an oxygen mask contraption
@jasonmon pic with a naked lady called "oh no no no" or something similar. All the bad bits are covered but she's definitely naked.
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Also a post called "no difference" that has a pic of a cat sitting on a guy's head beside a pic of an anime wolf-girl sitting on a guys face. She's not naked but yeah.
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Which, incidentally, is above a photo of two people having sex on a roof censored by a pigeon's head in front of the camera. Not super explicit. It's called the best photobomb of the modern age or something similar.
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Basically the main page has gone a bit to hell-- proceed with caution
@jasonmon post called "Look what I found in the newspaper" features a prostitute in lingerie soliciting in a doorway. Im not sure why I give such specific descriptions
Ugh. That dumb dino thing came up with no NSFW tag. I'm so annoyed. My birthday is Wednesday and I really really don't want to spend it in jail :/ I wrote the admins and offered to help them track down fools like this.
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I love this site. It helps to even me out and I burn a lot of time here but I can't be here if stuff like this happens. Blah.. Anyway, there's really no point to this message. I'm just venting, sorry haha
@jasonmon that's okay. Tbh I'm annoyed, too. I heard about the Dino thing but I didn't actually see it. :/ From the sound of it it was an actual user who posted it and I can only assume they got banned due to the number of reports. I honestly still kind of suspect it's old users taking advantage of the fact that they know Zeus etc aren't paying attention
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Side note: post titled "merry Christmas" which isn't actually all that nsfw but definitely provocative. Just a girl with huge breasts indicating she might undo her clothes
Yeah, they got banned but it was their only post ever. So they were definitely a longtime user who just showed and made an account. They had to be ancient because posted the dinosaur thing. I'm 85% sure it was either cycy or serosenpai.
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I talked to my probation officer and he said I've been doing really well at everything so he's not going to be as harsh as he could about restrictions like this. In other words, as long as I'm not going out and proactively looking at porn, he's not going to throw me in jail. THANK GOD! Now I can exist on funsub without fearing what every idiot posts. Thank you for helping me through this little phase in my life, @xvarnah!
I doubt it's cycy-- they seemed genuinely remorseful last time. Idk about serosenpai but there's definitely a few people who are extremely bitter about funsub. Tbh I sometimes wonder about bethorien given how negative every reaction she has to anything to do with the funsub situation, but I prefer to think she's not that kind of person. Either way, hopefully ip-bans are a thing on this website and eventually the moron will be gone.
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I am glad your PO is willing to be lenient. I mean, it's the Internet, what are you supposed to do? You can't turn on the TV or Internet without being bombarded with sex scenes and porn these days. You've been as responsible and restrictive as you can be from what I can tell, and considering this is all for a crime you didn't commit the least they could do is be a bit more understanding.
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With all this going on, I'm just glad there's something I can do that CAN help
"Sweet and gorgeous Hyderabad Escorts ready for you." Actually fairly tame but does feature a woman in her underwear and another woman awkwardly squeezing her breast so
Lol, no you're fine. I think he didn't read the comments and just saw the little kitty and tagged you. A few of us use this thread to dump huge amounts of personal stuff and ask advice from each other. You can feel free to join in on the discussion or unfollow the comments so they don't constantly come up in your notifications, or lurk. Whatever floats your boat!
@jasonmon@aviva we always knew this would run the risk of happening. One day some unsuspecting person would stumble onto this pic of a cute cat with it's tongue stuck out and think "what a nice post. Wonder what everyone says about it." Little do they know they've just entered a 200+ comment void, from which there is possibly no escape.
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In all seriousness though @catfluff and @shikharizard there's some pretty serious stuff being discussed here so, providing the other two are comfortable (Jason seems to be) idc if you guys want to take on the monumental task of reading all the comments and trying to get involved, just be prepared if you do. Not that there's a whole lot we can do if they're NOT comfortable with it, but there you go
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· 5 years ago
@Everyone I tagged @catfluff because cute catto. I have no intention of getting into anyone’s personal stuff rn. I hope everything works out and everyone is happy.
I don't think any of us had intent when this post got started Haha. nevertheless that's fair. You probably will want to click unfollow though, or you're going to get notifications for this post pretty much daily
@aviva I mean given the subject matter at hand, and partially the age of some participants, im not sure he would be allowed to participate in the chat without it having negative repercussions for him
Welp! Nvm shik got involved. @jasonmon you got tagged in the thread "title" and just a headsup there's been some innuendo and such going on in it. I don't think it's anything too out there yet but wanted to give you the ability to make the decision with all your ducks in a row
It's not your fault even a little. He's going through an unfair process at the moment that has nothing to do with you. Only thing we can do is try and look out for him. And talk about him in the third person
Morning, ladies! I've been crazy busy irl and I guess I missed some stuff yesterday haha. @xvarnah thanks for thinking of me and tagging me over here! I saw shik's tag on a long thread and I haven't read through it all yet.
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You're not restricting me, @aviva. Dumb Oregon is, but only for a little while longer. Please never take that to heart :) I can make innuendos if you're around as long as they're not directed at you or any other kid, and I wouldn't do that anyway haha. I don't have time rn to read through that whole thread but I will later. I just didn't want you guys to think I was mad about it or scared or something negative. I'm just on Craigslist hunting for a replacement car and I have ten other things on my list today.
@jasonmon haha it's really not a very big deal. Me and shik were just joking around about a slang term and poor Aviva unwittingly stepped in the middle and then dragged you into the crosshairs with her. None of the innuendo was directed at or about her.
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Also I didn't think you'd be mad/etc I just really wasn't sure how this would reflect with your situation or if you'd have to report it. I'm probably being a little over cautious but then again there may be no such thing as overcautious in situations like this.
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Hopefully the hunt goes well :/ did your car break down?
Yeah, my transmission died so I just sold the car for scrap for $80. I'll try and get another car tomorrow. I just have to drive up to Portland where all the deals are hiding.
That sucks a lot. Hopefully you can get a good deal. And survive Portland. I've heard it's beautiful but the people are apparently a bit of an ordeal.
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As a side note, to answer your chat question I'm an aries but I really would prefer no big posts or chats or anything haha
Yeah, Portlanders are kinda crazy but in a shy, passive way. If you have seen Portlandia, it's uncomfortably spot-on.
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I understand about the bday, haha. And, since Aries is upon us, HAPPY BIRTHDAY sometime-in-the-next-month!! :D
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Edit: Portland is hard to describe..
I've driven THROUGH Portland but never actually stopped there or talked to anyone. Mostly I've heard the people are up there with the vegan extremists in terms of weird/neurotic behaviour
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Aw thanks :) wait are you an Aries? I have no idea what the dates for signs are
@jasonmon two posts, one of cherubs with a woman's ass, and the other is called "'murica!" And features an anime girl's ass. First is a painting and second is covered by a skirt, but either way
Thanks, @xvarnah!
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I just realized I forgot to respond to your last message: I ended up getting a great little Toyota but we had to drive all the way to Astoria which was a 500km+ round trip.
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I'm on the Pisces/Aires cusp, which is the only way I knew Aires was right now haha
@jasonmon "tinder trash found On edgyememes" no clue how old the girl in this pic is but she looks in her teens. She's clothed but rather provoprovcatively.
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Also I see your "I forgot to respond to your last message for a day" and I raise you "forgetting to respond to you for a week." Good grief
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I'm glad you at least got a car you're happy with. Was it a nice drive at least?
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Ahh fair enough haha. I've read some astrology stuff for kicks in the past, but I have no actual idea when most of the signs are. I knew Pisces was before me and Taurus is after. And then I know a few other signs because of relatives but generally I'm lost haha
@jasonmon okay I don't think you would and it is behind a NSFW filter, but do NOT click on the post titled "fishing for 13 or 14 yo boys." One of the users (who I'm fairly certain is underage) has posted a pic in their bra. I've advised them to take it down but in case they don't..
@jasonmon "Mai Sakurajima reading about Adolescence Syndrome from zaraena_cosplay" just a cosplayer in one of those playboy bunny type suits. Not very explicit but idk how old she is
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· 5 years ago
Hahaha very interesting little conversation to drop in on
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Edit: interesting! @Xvarnah birthday is this month? How old might you be turning mama-bear?
Older than I was last month. <.<
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side note, you can join in here but if so I'm gonna start a separate comment chain. I have no idea if you've read through all these comments, but this chain serves a very specific purpose that's actually semi important. Or maybe I'll just start a seperate one for this all over again because this one takes so damn long to scroll down to
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PS: all previous warnings about sensitive topics and extremely long backstory apply
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· 5 years ago
Yeah yeah, I'll leave you to it. Tbh idk how I got here, I thought I ubsubbed but it popped up in my notifications.
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Still good fun to read the discussion about you ;)
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https://m.funsubstance.com/chat/view/id/241426/
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Cycy's opinions are there. I don't think Zeus owed us as much as she does. At the end of the day funsub is a business he owns, and, like any business, if he chooses to sell, he's allowed. We're not monetary shareholders in this business. Just "customers." If the website goes to hell we won't stay, and the website will die. And this is true whether Zeus owns it or not. Heads up is nice, but not something we are OWED. I don't think he deserved the backlash and personal attacks he received, and it's hardly any wonder to me that he stopped replying. We also literally have no idea what's going on on his end. A LOT of people have had very horrific times this year
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But as I said, I got very enraged when a few people launched that pornographic attack against funsub. Cycy was one of the first people I called out and thought that maybe I'd been attacking her personally. Wasn't the case-- I would and have called out everyone I've found to be involved, either for the good or the ill. And she and I had a decently long conversation, and Hyperion and I talked some as well.
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There's been harms, there's been fouls, but hopefully we can all move on in the near future.
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Not that it matters @xvarnah, but cycy is actually a dude :)
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Also, creativedragonbaby posted this video in the chat a little earlier to change the subject from yesterday's nonsense, and I think it's important for everyone to see:
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https://youtu.be/nGtiDGU1aVk
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I only went to the discord to read the previous chat and only spoke when I was summoned/addressed directly by cycy, and hyperion, at which point someone else entirely accused me of being there to cause drama. Which I found a bit ironic. I also saw at least one still active funsub user talking about how all the drama caused by the actions of people posting destructive content was great, and they were grabbing popcorn. The whole thing just was very tiring. I haven't been back since.
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As for Cycy's gender, I honestly have only ever seen people refer to them as a girl (the first time several months ago), and cycy never corrected them, so I went off that haha. It's the only reason I used a non-neutral verb for them at all, since I've never had any idea which one they were. I also always read their name as Cee-Cee, but I guess "Sigh-sigh" is also a possibility. Now I'm getting off track a bit, though
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I was more upset about the porn behaviour than the treatment from Zeus either way. As I said to cycy, it was an attack launched against people who are not at fault, that put them at risk in more ways than one, and tried to collapse what remained of what was and still can be a good community.
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There's a lot of people who have been to hell and back this year. Or even in the years prior to this. Most have been through things I can't even begin to pretend I can understand. Some are still going through them right now. I haven't been here long, but I don't need to be here long to know this place acts as a refuge for a lot of them. And they deserved better than what just happened. So if anyone needs to understand my reaction to that incident, it's here, on digital paper.
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Good grief, I've said an awful lot about a subject I said I wouldn't say much more about. I guess that's typical for me, though.
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Hopefully this has been a more positive discussion than we have seen previously, or at the very least isn't disturbing the community at large :/
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Bots have been posting here for years. Maybe bethorien is right and the admins tweaked the bots to post more content for clicks. If the admins did that, I'm 100% sure they're reconsidering their decision lol
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Yesterday in the discord, cycy corrected someone after they called him a girl. That's the only reason I know about that.
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This site is definitely my refuge and has helped me through lots of bad times this year! I'm saddened by the rough patch, but it'll pass soon enough.
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And why are we not talking about the terrifying video I linked to earlier??
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Still, it is a strong user base that remains for now
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I imagine they have been posting for years, the thing that bothers me is a) the suggestion that the bots are taking over formerly active accounts. So, for example, if I take a hiatus, I could come back and find out my account has been used to post porn and rape jokes. Or anything at all. Outside of that b) i just dislike the uptick, horrendously outdated/inappropriate stuff, and the titles.
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Idk if they do regret it. I think the godaddy price for the website may have gone up since the influx of bots? But idk for sure. Don't really want to speculate. They may be here to stay, and that'll just be something we have to deal with I guess
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I hope it hasn't discouraged you too much from talking about the things you were thinking about talking about before. Maybe you changed your mind either way, but hopefuly this hasn't been too discouraging.
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Haha I did watch some of it. Sadly I got distracted by some rather discouraging announcements regarding a child rapist on the news and forgot
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Much more important than me and my drama, my main fear is weakening the position of actual survivors of sexual assault and I can't think of a way to cut this that puts my fear to rest. I wrote down what happened to me while I was processing it. This is what I decided against posting on the chat, but I'm happy to let you read it:
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https://www.quotev.com/story/11360752
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This is obviously emotional stuff. I'll leave the link here for a little bit and then I'll remove it. Sorry, future people!
@jasonmon You summoned?
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First off kudos to you for your relief efforts, that's really an amazing thing you did.
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I have to ask because I can't remember, did anything actually happen to the girl? I mean, was she held accountable in any way shape or form? I'm asking this less from a revenge perspective and more from a "is she still a risk to other people."
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Also have you been approached about making this a movie, or are you just thinking hypothetically?
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Nothing has happened/will happen to this girl in a legal sense. She is now prohibited from any online communication. This does not stop her from somehow trying to contact me on instagram from various accounts, which I keep immediately blocking. I assume the message will be something like, "I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY" but there's no way in h*ck I'm opening a message from her. I hope she isn't a threat to others, and I very much hope she got the help she needs because of all this.
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That was my motivation to rant in the chat yesterday. I stopped short of articulating it but I'm still (understandably) shaken and upset that yesterday happened at all because of the potential catastrophic consequences I would have faced.
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I figured nothing would happen since she's a minor. Hopefully at least the police are aware she's a repeat offender and keep that in mind.
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The amount of injustice in the world is exhausting sometimes.
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I actually mentioned you by name to cycy (and a couple other people, hopefully you don't mind) when we were having our back and forth. Not any details about your situation since I didn't know a lot, and details weren't relevant, but just because I knew you'd had a crappy year and, based on your reaction, the porn was definitely something you were serious about.
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Seeing your comments now I know that even I didn't realize just how much was at stake, and if I didn't then the discord people definitely did not.
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You said you're considering potential codification (<- make me google things, will ya <.<), and I'm curious what your proposition in terms of it would be?
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I feel like whatever route you take you're going to have (mostly) women calling you a liar, a rapist, or even just trying to distract from the "REAL" issues (aka women being raped), or demean their cause.
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And on the other side you'll have the people who turn your story into a weapon "see?? See?? Men are just persecuted victims who never rape anyone, and women are just lying sluts who need to stop crying over spilt milk."
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I don't agree with either of those viewpoints because they're so barbarically wrong. I guess I just feel like it needs to be mentioned so it doesn't catch you off guard? Though you've probably already taken it into consideration
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And, yes, you are seeing the intricacies of my situation. I was extremely well-known and well-liked in my community and I have gotten several credible, independent death threats from the "hang-em-all" crowd, which is fun. On the other side, I can say I'd be destroyed if I made it easier for a predator to use my experience to go free.
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As for codification, it would be straight-up labyrinthine. My ideas would take pages and pages to communicate but the broad strokes would just give law enforcement more latitude in how they handle cases like this. There are a ton of similar cases to mine that were prosecuted with these outdated laws. It's just complicated to change something without someone bad taking advantage :/
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Anyway, that's been my debate over the last couple of months.
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I don't mind that you mentioned me by name to cycy and crew. They should know this place is an innocent little safe haven to some people. I certainly wasn't afraid to yell at them in the chats, once they'd crossed the line. I was definitely annoyed with the whole situation but think I handled it all diplomatically-ish.
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Thanks on my lil unicorn!! Lol
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People like that are terrible. Most likely none of them were even involved. I remember seeing the thing on Netflix about the girl who got raped, came forward, and some select members of the community responded by burning her house down. I understand the desire to act out to a degree when you feel there's an injustice being had, but most of these types of people don't even fall into that category... they're just destructive, horrible slugs, spreading hate and somehow feeling justified by trying to ruin someone's life
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It may not be necessary but part of me hopes you have some kind of security for yourself like cameras or whatnot. I'm not asking you to say because the over-thinker in me goes "okay, but if someone sees exactly what security measures this person has in their home.. That'll make it a lot easier to bypass them if they want to." Just how my brain works.
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I don't know, I've never been the victim of a crime to that degree. Im not sure how some of the people here who have been would feel. But I think even if I had been I'd rather see someone like you be let out of prison alongside a man I know is guilty, than see someone like you suffer the same fate as him.
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Haha you probably handled it more diplomatically than I did. There's a few uses I rarely see get truly pissed off about anything (guest_ being another one), so anytime I see them (including you) fired up a bit it's like "well, shit definitely just got real in here."
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But yeah, it's one thing for a stupid bot to post those pics by accident, it's another for people to spam it deliberately. Weird thing is I don't even normally open the NSFW images, but the titles caught my attention that day for some reason
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I certainly took up enough posts to do so at any way :s
You‘re probably going to get a lot of spam by giving your email out publicly.
It‘s probably not my business, but I was thinking @xvarnah maybe Jason should make a movie out of his life, if he finds that necessary and for the right reasons. It could help show that not every person accused of a sex offence is guilty, among the other reasons. I do know that his story may raise some eyebrows, but there are 2 sides to a story because a falsely accused would most likely serve jail time or have his life greatly damaged. I do think him being meticulous about what he puts in the script could help lower the chance of his story being misinterpreted.
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But yeah, I wasn't trying to discourage him at all. We can all agree it's a "good" story (good in that it has a message etc, not that it happened), and an important one. Ive just learner it's never good to go into an experience like that unprepared to face the potential backlash. Telling the story in situations like this can sometimes have more gruelling fallout than what transpired beforehand. It's why a lot of victims of rape never used to come forward.
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If Jason feels empowered enough and ready enough to tell his story, it's worthwhile for people to hear it. Though even if he does, it will likely still be years before it could come out anyway.
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I was smart and started a consulting company before I had a tarnished record. Most places won’t hire anyone with a felony. So now I’m the employee of the consulting company, and the consulting company dispatches a technician to respond to whatever network/computer problem that needs fixing. So companies hire my company and my company sends me :)
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I do have security at my place. When I can return back home, I’ll worry a little more about it. I try not to burn any energy on it for now. Before I actually return, I’ll get the word out that I am coming home and that I’m cool and that please don’t kill me.
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It’s true that, whatever I do, there will be ramifications. If I go big and write a book/screenplay and really make a splash, I will be hated and threatened. I'm okay with it...
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I think I just have to write it all down and walk away for a while. If I come back and read it and it’s still good, I will take the next step. I really do think I can do powerful stuff with this. I just need it to be helpful to society in the end.
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I am leaning in the direction of speaking to people who have a proclivity to commit a sexual assault. No one talks about the ramifications in THEIR lives. Everyone is scared of talking directly to a rapist and explaining that their little moment of power and control takes away everything from them – family, friends, employment, housing, possessions, and freedom. After they’re done with the brutal punishment phase, they have to start over in their lives with no support. I can’t imagine how that would destroy a person...
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Random thought on my read-through of this thread: @xvarnah I like that you kept apologizing and then rationalized it by saying you are Canadian lol
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And @aviva, thanks for your words, too. And I’ll remove my e-mail! I forgot I put it there.
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Anyway, now you guys know about my crazy year. I know it’s a lot to take in, but thanks for reading through it. I appreciate your time and energy, and I’ll let you know if anything interesting develops.
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I imagine this is a lot more emotional thing for you given you actually did and still are living it. :/ still, I'm glad you waited until you were ready (I hope) to talk about it, even if it's to a smaller audience than you originally planned. Who knows, maybe after you revisit it the funsub community will be back in some kind of shape and you'll feel comfortable addressing more of them again. Or maybe you'll revisit in eventually and think "I've actually had enough of this," and put the book on the shelf.
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Then again, you're a fairly driven person from the sounds of it. I imagine once you get an idea in your head you just wait for the right time to make it happen
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Another issue is there's a danger of becoming emotionally involved, which may seem like something managable on the first place, but depending on how far you go with it, and how deep the problems the people you try to help go, there is a very real possibility of it burning you out in short order.
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Keep in mind I'm not saying ANY of this to discourage you. As with the previous things, I'm just trying to make sure you can go into whatever decision you make in the future with eyes as open as they can be
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The person I mentioned earlier, unrelated to this, was a man who kidnapped, raped, tortured, and murdered a little girl. His girlfriend helped him the entire way.
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They were both arrested, but it was eventually revealed that somehow the girlfriend had been moved to what is known as a "healing lodge." This is not a prison. A relative of mine stayed in the same one this woman was at. They have rooms. They have leather seats and a fireplace. They have no fences. Some of the women who were serving sentences have their children there. Some younger than the little girl that was murdered.
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After much outrage and trauma to the parents of the victim, this woman was finally moved back to an actual prison.
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They just announced that the man involved has now been moved from a maximum security prison to a medium security prison, and the parents are going through the entire thing all over again
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I'm not a fan of people suffering. But I'm not sure I really care if these two ever get rehabilitated. I don't truly believe they can be.
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That said, I've also seen the episode "White Bear" from "Black Mirror." While it's not reality, a lot of people wish it could be. To me it just made me feel slightly Ill.
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I'm not sure what my point was now. I guess it was something along the lines of I can see merit to your rehabilitation idea for some cases.
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Some rapists end up convicted because the girl/guy they've been dating was drunk. Does that make them a rapist? Yes. Does it make them a monster? It depends on the situation to a degree. And depending on the situation, maybe they can be rehabilitated.
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There isn't much hope for people who are convicted of sex crimes in terms of starting over. And some of them -won't- be salvageable no matter how early you get to them.
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But the old "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" is certainly worth a shot
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I think it would be worthwhile for you to maybe at some point consider talking to other victims/survivors as well. Whether it's women raped by men, men raped by women, either victims of false accusations. Maybe even some other people such as psychiatrists/psychologists in the field.
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I'm certainly not saying you have to or telling you how to go about things, just making some suggestions. It may be easier to approach the issue when you can have a personal experience with people on all sides.
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And to answer your unasked question: no, I cannot respond to your comments with anything less than a short novel's worth of comments
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I'm okay with novels, for the record!
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I've talked to some people who were very guilty and very sorry, and some who were guilty and not sorry at all, and psychologists. Sex offender counseling/treatment is still in its infancy but they've gotten good results from a wide cross section of offenses.
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The thing you seem to grasp that others don't is there's a spectrum: if you are 18 and had sex with your 17 year old partner, society treats you the same as if you had raped and killed an infant. But obviously, that is the low end of the SO spectrum. If you use violence or if you target children or if you're a repeat offender, you are at the high end of the SO spectrum. But even if you're a monster like that, you're still treated and released after prison.
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People who are treated have a much lower rate of recidivism than people who are just released into the world...
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Instead of banishing SOs to the corners of society and keeping them 1000 yards from any public area, peopl experts have found that reincluding them into a normal life drops recidivism to almost nothing.
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It's obviously easy to see why there's so much hate for people who commit a crime like this. It's really weird to think of these people as largely teachable after they're punished. I don't know about the horrible people you were talking about, and it makes me glad I never have to be the one to decide who gets punished forever and who gets to live in society again 0.0
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Also, I wouldn't want to go one-on-one with potential offenders because I would definitely get too involved in trying to help each individual. That was my whole problem with this situation. If I was a jerk, I never would have tried to help this girl in the first place.
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I am certainly driven. Once I decide on the direction I'm taking, I'll make it happen. For now, I just need to get through six more months of nonsense.
@xvarnah I envy your ability to but your thoughts into long writing. I usually summarise and overthink mine over and over sometimes
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Jasomon, you can feel free to read this but just FYI this next comment(s) isn't really directed at you. I'll tag you when I get to yours to make it a bit easier
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Usually once you start typing and making points about something it can help your brain click onto other subjects, and, if you're lucky, they might even be related to what you're trying to say (or, if you're like me, I can go from typing a sentence about blue cheese or something and somehow end up on weather conditions in Scotland... -_-).
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Best thing I've found, and maybe jasonmon has some thoughts too, since he managed to put a very trying situation into words, is to just start. Just start typing, whatever occurs to you.
One thing I do (and I believe guest_, another user with somewhat long-winded responses) is sometimes even type my comments outside of the comment box, in like an email to myself, or a note document. Usually this is because I want to talk about something, but don't have time, but sometimes it's also because I want to make sure I word a thing right. Stepping back may give me time to think about what I said, come up with additional points, or reword it. Hell, you don't even have to post them.
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I think you've probably got a good head on your shoulders, and giving a voice to your thoughts takes practice.
"..I don't think that's a good idea."
"Why?"
"Well, um. Because. There was a reason."
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As a side note I did see you tagged me awhile ago in a chat that someone was asking for advice in. I was sick at the time, and by the Time I got there it seemed guest_ had covered most everything, so I just thought I'll just let this be
Your leg of the comment journey begins!
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Haha I know what you meant, my brain just likes misinterpreting things sometimes. Usually it ends up being entertaining so I share it on the off chance it makes someone else laugh.
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Well, in that case you've come to the right place. I'm pretty sure I just spammed Aviva with 3 or 4 comments in response to them saying 2 sentences.
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It's interesting you keep bringing the 18/17 year old thing up because I actually randomly had that as a thought shortly before we started talking about this. I think it was inspired by something to do with the me too movement, but I ended up thinking "it must be very difficult for a couple who start dating when one is 15 and the other is 16 or 17, and then they age up, and suddenly they're no longer a couple because one of them is now a rapist."
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But the point was an 18 year old who has consensual sex should not be thrown in with the same group as the child-raping couple I mentioned earlier. What they did is not even on the same level, so why give them anything close to the same punishment?
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And some people I think do deserve that punishment. Maybe not being kept in conditions entirely like what you went through, but not so far off from what prisons at optimum function are supposed to be. A lot of the people in prisons (not all, but a lot) are dangerous, and would commit crimes again given an opportunity. Some may deserve therapy, but to never be let out again.
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But some isn't all. There's people who can be shoulder deep in the drug world and come out on the other side and never do drugs again.
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Whatever the circumstances are, at the end of the day no amount of rehab will ever help someone who isn't COMMITED to it. People who do drugs in the past and get clean have to make a commitment to never go back to them. And it's not a "new years resolution" type thing. It's a daily, even hourly thing.
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Craig Ferguson has a book, and in it he talks about his battle with alcoholism, and at some point he talks about how he never even has so much as a sip of wine at a party and people ask him "you don't want to drink anymore?" And he says something along the lines of "I don't not WANT to drink, I CAN'T drink." As in he doesn't have the ability to stop himself from being lured back down that hole. So instead he doesn't even let himself get anywhere near it
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Not every offender, even purposeful offender, will repeat if the right measures are taken. What it comes down to in the end I guess is:
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-does releasing them violate the victim further?
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This one sounds simple, but I think is very important. No victim wants to see their offender released. And as in the case I mentioned, it's bordering on cruel and unusual punishment to put some of them through that.
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Offenders who go through rehabilitation sometimes feel the need to reach out to their victims. Maybe to "put things right." This can be insanely traumatizing to victims and their families. As can hearing their assailant is getting released. Some already have nightmares, some who have progressed past that may start having them again. It all can end up be turning a scar into a scab that can be ripped off and bleed everywhere once again. A lot of victims take a long time feeling safe in their own homes again, having any kind of functional relationship in terms of romance, connecting with their children, etc.
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And the families go through much the same.
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Now I have to take a second to remember what my next point was. Something about blue cheese and Scotland probably
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If they can be rehabilitated, what needs to occur? People aren't the same. The help they need may not be the same. Do they need intensive therapy? A tracking bracelet? Medications? All of the above?
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And WHERE do they get released? Where can all of this occur that this person, if they revert, will cause minimum backlash? Where they can still have access to the resources they need? Where they won't be hunted down and killed in the streets?
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If someone commits a crime, and is genuine in changing. And let's say we can guarantee this fellow would never commit a crime again. He's released, does the therapy, the check-ins, stays away from trigger areas, etc etc etc.
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But now he needs a job. People take one look at his record and into the trash his resume goes. <- this is the kind of event that, when repeated enough, often triggers people commiting crimes anyway. People become restless and angry and hungry and desperate, and suddenly we're on our way to the night's watch for stealing some cheese. (I was going to do a Les miz reference but GoT won out).
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I'm by no means saying anyone is OWED a job, just that desperate times, rejection, and a loss of hope has been observed as the perfect recipe for bad situations. It's how a lot of people end up in gangs.
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And then, when he does something wrong, people will jeer and act justified like "see? I KNEW the bastard couldn't change."
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The purpose of the offender list is to make people aware, so they can be on the defensive. "Hey this guy? He was 20 and had sex with a 16 year old. Maybe don't leave him alone with your teenager."
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People choose to turn it into a witch hunt. Sometimes I can't blame them, but others it just makes things worse.
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Society unwittingly steals justice from itself by taking it into their own hands.
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I can't remember, but I think the guy responsible also potentially mailed body parts of his victim to people.
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I read a book once called "don't - a woman's word." Despite the title, it's not really about sexim from what I recall. It's written by a woman who suffered near constant sexual abuse at the hands of her father (or step father iirc), and later at the hands of his friends
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Anyway, the main reason for me hashing out all this is because, as you said, there's different spectrum of abuse and crimes, different types of victims/survivors, different hopes and concerns for rehabilitation.
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And this is mostly just dealing with people who DID commit crimes, not ones who were falsely accused, who have many of the hurdles you mentioned and more to overcome
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That said, there's some people I'd be quite happy to hear were never getting out of prison haha..
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I think your story could help and/or at the very least give hope to some wrongly convicted if nothing else. Even if it just encourages them to have some evidence re-examined or get an appeal etc. You may even be able to work with programs like the innocence project or such to set up places you can talk to people or provide resources etc.
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Haha well, it's good you have your boundaries in mind, although with topics and occurrences such as this, it's VERY hard not to get emotionally involved with people on a 1v1 capacity, despite the best intentions. Usually best that can be hoped for is to not end up spread too thin
Maybe you should write a book o:D
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Haha good. I felt kind of like "they specifically asked me for my opinion, but... guest_ pretty much got this covered." And then I thought I'd come back to it later and then I just plain forgot. -_-
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@jasonmon no worries Haha. I spammed you with quite a bit-- I'm surprised you're replying tonight at all
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So @aviva, on longer responses, I’ll open Word or an e-mail draft on my laptop and I’ll scroll through the comment on my phone. For each interesting point that comes up, I’ll type a few words on my laptop. At the end, I just expand them all until they say what I want. I get a spell checker and a full keyboard. Does that make sense?
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Longer comments aren’t a burden to a certain cross-section of users here. I’d say 10-15% can get really interested in these long threads.
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It took me a long time – even while sitting in jails/prisons when I was getting transported – to realize there is a spectrum of offenses, and to realize that society would rather permanently dispose of anyone accused of any sort of sexual anything than look at each case individually.
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It’ll be unsettling because the classes are held in the jail, so I get to be inside again, with a pretty rough group of fellas. This year just keeps on giving! Haha. I’m just going to show up tomorrow dressed nicely with my head up and smile at everyone and try not freak out.
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You asked if rehabilitation is possible, and my take (before I’ve ever set foot in a class or experienced any of this) is that the supervising authority is handing the offender all the tools they need so they can stay away from their triggers and break their unhealthy patterns.
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To speak to your next concern, all offenders are kept away from their victims and their families forever under SERIOUS penalties – even if the victim reaches out to them. Reunification programs (if it’s a family member, like in a case of incest or something) do exist if everyone agrees that’s in the best interest of the offender and the victim. If that’s the case, it’ll be years before any unsupervised contact would be allowed.
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Authorities all over the world have divided sex offenses into several classifications. The only classification that’s universally listed on public registries is “predatory.” Those are the people getting hunted down and killed. Those are the pedophiles (NOT how everyone uses the scary boogeyman buzz word, but actual pedophiles who are uncontrollably sexually attracted to children and who truly lose ALL interest once any sign of adolescence occurs, yuck -> side note: in my story, did I detail the conversation I had with the pedophile serving a life sentence in Pahrump, Nevada?
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The middle class of sex offenses are like the 18 year old I mentioned above, or someone older than 18 who had consensual sex with someone past adolescence but still inappropriate, like their babysitter or whatever, idk. Those instances are mistakes but they aren’t violent, malicious, calculated acts. These are statutory offenses, and often they’re misdemeanors.
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At the shallow end of the spectrum, you have hundreds of thousands of registered sex offenders who engaged in behaviors like: urinating in a public park at 2:00am, or slapping someone’s butt at a bar while everyone was drunk, or calling someone “sugar t*ts.”
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tl;dr The takeaway here is that there are definitely classes of sex offenses, that psychologists are having huge success at rehabilitating every class of offender, and that my life continues to be straight bonkers.
Also @xvarnah, I hope this doesn‘t sound wrong but, I‘m a female and I‘m ok if you address me as her/she =^·^= “Them/they“ makes me misunderstand what you mean sometimes because I feel you‘re referring to someone else ^^
You do have a point. Some users would take the time to read long comments,etc. I usually do if it‘s intriguing or directed at me.
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Just a little update for you guys: my appointment today was just to tell me to come in on January 8th *eyeroll* I really want to get this stuff done so I can go back to the Virgin Islands.
I hate when people do that lol. It‘s like putting so much effort in getting ready on time to attend a meeting, only to be told “didn‘t you hear? It‘s been moved to next week..“
I wish they‘d send a message across informing everyone, rather making them come all the way only to be told it wasn‘t holding till next year.
Hopefully, you‘ll get things done soon enough. It‘s a delay but I trust things will work out just good
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@xvarnah I haven't said this yet but THANK YOU for all your input in my situation. I know it’s a weird, emotional ride. Your words have been extremely well thought-out and interesting for me. That said, I don’t want you to feel like you need to keep engaging. I mean, if something I said is way out of line or, on the flip side, extremely interesting, I’d love to hear it. But I understand that we both use funsubstance as a fun escape, and this conversation is a rough one. We can stop any time :)
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Like I've said (at some point, somewhere on this site, to someone... maybe it was you, who knows), I've talked to guys who have been victims of false accusations, and guys who have been victim of assault (usually at the hands of a female). But often not in super great length. And also, usually not in great depth. Most of them the event happened, didn't escalate to police involvement, and the guys just accept that they're okay now, so there's no sense getting in a huff about it. And I mean there's nothing fundamentally wrong with that. I'd certainly never push anyone to take steps they feel unnecessary or that might make them uncomfortable in the long run.
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But it's still good to be able to hear from someone who DID have their situation escalate, what that meant for them, and how they're handling it
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Tbh, as messed up as your story is, I don't find talking about it overly depressing-- provided it's not bothering you. Honestly a lot of the other posts I've seen today (I woke myself up spilling a glass of milk all over the entire country (or just my floor and I'm exaggerating) at some ungodly hour) have been more disgruntling to me than talking about this is. Maybe because they feel like unjustified and unnecessary drama, and this actually has a point and a purpose and isn't entirely negative despite it's content?
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Idk. Either way-- I literally grew up watching forensic files (by choice), so you don't need to worry about disturbing me. I'm enjoying hearing your side of things. And hopefully being able to talk it out some with neutral parties is a good experience for you, too
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@aviva well jasonmon can attest-- I do suck at the pronoun game haha. I'll try to keep that in mind when I respond in the future, though. Wasn't trying to confuse you :)
@xvarnah Oh, that‘s fine lol. Usually, I ask “how do I address you please?“ if I‘m not sure. One of my biggest problems was knowing how to address an adult. Some women feel like you‘re saying they‘re old when addressed as “Ma‘am.“ Some feel embarrassed when you call them “Miss or Ms.“ if they are well in their 40s and not in any relationship. Some find it rude to be addressed by their first or last name. It‘s really broad if you look at it.
P.S: I‘m speaking from the angle of the females since I am one, and that‘s what I had experienced from a few that I know very well, and not.
I was told that it‘s rude to many people to ask an elderly person how they are doing.
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Speaking to your other point, I learned via waiting tables that it's safest to address every girl as "Ms," regardless of her age. It makes older women feel younger and it makes younger women feel all grown up and official in a way.
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@xvarnah Sorry about your starting your day with a bunch of spilled milk! :/ I'm glad this subject isn't too crazy for you; I respect your opinion quite a bit. You didn't tell me that you'd spoken with other guys about the same kinds of things but I did see the thread where you mentioned it.
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You guys are the first total strangers I've shared this with. It feels weird to be talking about it, but I appreciate you guys listening and giving your feedback.
@jasonmon
Well, first off kudos to your dedication to my spam. Although telling me you find it interesting is no way to discourage me from increasing the length of my comments x)
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Two side notes in relation to what you said, that aren't really important but just to make sure we're all on the same page-- I did know jail and prison were different, with prison usually being the more extreme of the two. I tend to use the terms interchangeably just because it's simple for me haha
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Other side note: I didn't mean to infer I didn't know why you had brought up the 17 and 18 year old as an example-- the connection was crystal clear to me. I was just saying I'd been thinking about that scenario before we started talking about it, and so it was an interesting coincidence.
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Either way the elaboration on the 17 and 18 year old story was worth reading. Although somehow I figured the girlfriend's parent was probably involved. Its sad that that seems predictable. :/ it takes a special amount of cruelty and viciousness to treat another human being in that manner. And for some reason (maybe because they're more commonly victims, I really don't know) society is far more interested in protecting girls than boys in these scenarios. Not that it sounds like she even needed protecting, but I guarantee if a guy had been dating an 18 year old girl the parents didn't like, sex crime wouldn't have even been mentioned.
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Actually! Only sort of related but before I forget, I'm curious if you've heard about the Amy Schumer thing where she attempted to "have sex with" a guy who was drunk out of his mind.
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Anyway, back on track. Hopefully at some point in the future someone will be able to look at this guy's case and say "this isn't right." Maybe get it expunged. Far too little far too late, but maybe he'll be able to salvage part of his life. There's absolutely no reason all sex crimes should be classified the same. Not that peeing is even a sex crime (usually...), but that should not even be in the running for a sex crime, and situations like this should not be anywhere near on par with deliberately raping someone. (This kind of touches on a point you make later as well)
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I hope the classes go okay for you, anyway-- I'm sure you will breeze through them. Maybe you can use them for some positives-- see what they're teaching, how people are reacting to it? I'm not sure. It's not ideal, but it could still be useful toward your end goal in the long run
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Tbh, I'm not sure if you're just summarizing or not, if so then that's not so bad, but if that's their view on the entire sexual assault cycle they have a very narrow start point, and a very limited understanding of nature vs nurture. Yes, being lonely can be part of it, but not all assailants are. And some participate in gang rapes. Some rapes (not all) are random, and, while most assailants know the victims ahead of time, some of the assailants have no contact with the victim ahead of time. Some are sociopaths.
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So I sincerely hope that, as psychologists, they're taking this into account, otherwise they're equal parts dangerous and useful in what they're attempting.
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That's also a very good analogy with the house. The relative of mine that was in prison was handed all the tools to avoid drugs (except their parole officer was a moron), and yet within a few years it was revealed they started doing them again. And it's not an uncommon story. People don't change unless they want to, and it's a constant effort.
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It's tricky, like I said. I know some people on here suffered some horrific abuse at the hands of people, and I am not even sure how some of them would feel talking about advocating for their assailants on any level. Even if it meant that person would never commit a crime again. And I can't really blame them in a lot of their scenarios. Their lives were impacted in ways that can never be undone. I guess I'm a bit on the fence in that I'm okay leaving some of them to rot in prison, as dark as that may sound. But I don't think all of them deserve that fate.
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And, no, you didn't mention that conversation before I don't think. What happened?
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I hope the next one goes better. :/ or actually, y'know, happens. No wonder the bloody course takes 6 months
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That usually doesn't go over well, so I pretty much don't say things like ma'am or sir haha. Even when I was in retail, it was always just no pronoun at all.
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-exhales- phew
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it's okay haha. I managed to spill two bowls of cereal and a glass of milk within the span of an hour in the same spot once.
-shrug- as the saying goes: no sense crying over it haha. At least not today :p
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Tbh, I used to know a mortician.
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(Disturbing content so possibly be aware)
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She told me once about having a vagina in a bucket that had been removed from a girl who had, literally, been gang-raped to death. I think she bled to death from it. They had to keep her vagina even after releasing the body for burial because it was considered evidence.
(End explicit content).
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So at this point I've heard a decent amount of disturbing things. I'm fortunate to not have SEEN a lot of them (outside of TV), so there's that.
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Still, I'm glad you've been able to talk about it some, even if it does feel weird. I've said it repeatedly now, but your story is important, and it's worth talking about and hearing it
@xvarnah Oh lol. I understand what you mean. They don‘t need to make a fuss about it.
And sorry about my late response. My life got busier
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So far Zeus hasn't responded to any of the times I've summoned him either. Wish they hadn't harassed him so much-- we might have stood a chance of getting some help. :/
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@aviva no worries haha
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https://m.funsubstance.com/fun/505304/me-kill-a-mockingbird-too/?last_comment=3054924#comment3054924
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Keep in mind you're not even a little bit obligated to read any of it, I'm just throwing it out there as an optioni
I hadn’t heard about Amy Schumer. Wow, I just looked it up and here is what I understand: It was at 8am, a guy she liked (but who didn’t like her that way) called her to his place and she saw he was drunk. She engaged in various forms of sexual intercourse with him while he was slipping in and out of consciousness. If the genders were reversed, I feel like she could really go away for a looong time, and she’d almost certainly be a sex offender.
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When it comes to the sexual assault cycle that I mentioned above, I am definitely summarizing. Also, I only talked about the cycle related to statutory situations. I think? I haven’t started the class yet, so I am not sure exactly what shape it’ll take. I do know that actual full-blown pedophilia can be addressed in counseling as well. It apparently takes years, or maybe a lifetime, of counseling. But, for the first time in human history, people with that mental disorder have options.
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(This paragraph might be upsetting to some. Skip it if you need to, okay?) When I was in Nevada, I asked WT why the h*ck he thought little boys were interesting. He said he’s not a homosexual at all. He only likes grown women and little boys – men and little girls were totally unattractive to him. He said little boys have a “perfect femininity” that was irresistible. (BLAAAHHHH. I don’t even know if an emoji exists that can adequately communicate my revulsion, hearing it then or typing it now 0.0) He said that he was just having fun and the boys were too, and them being sexual with an older male didn’t hurt them later in life; they can be doctors and lawyers, etc.
I could not argue him out of his stance at all. It’s CLEARLY PROVEN that sexual contact as a child is a horrible detriment to a human, but he didn’t agree at all. At one point, he said he was most sad he’d never get out again and see his wife and his children. He said that if they let him out of prison for a second, he’d disappear and book it to Norway because he has photographer friends there (he was a photographer.) He said he’d get a little place for himself and his family, and open a studio, and start a new, quiet life. And then find a new batch of little boys…. I was like, SERIOUSLY?? You’d do that again, even though you’ve been in prison for years because of it? He said he would, enthusiastically. This is when I realized how deep his illness when: that he didn’t care about any consequences and he didn’t want to be better.
Some people really do need to be out of society. It’s too bad because WT was intelligent and entrepreneurial and avuncular and hilarious and driven. He had everything you’d expect of someone who is a well-rounded, fully-actualized person. He scares me more than anyone else I met in my little magical tour of The Worst People Ever. I think WT is the archetype of what many people think of as a pedophile sex offender.
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It saddens me so much that sexual assault is a thing that happens, and it kills me that some offenders will chronically reoffend. I absolutely don’t agree with treating everyone who messes up as someone who is determined to be a life-long offender, callously destroying lives of their victims like WT. I am glad that the justice system is aware of the possibility of these predatory individuals and has in place steeply exponential punishments for reoffenders, but it kills me (and you, I’m sure) that “reoffending” means something so intensely destructive for
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But, again, the price of utterly obliterating the lives of people anywhere on the SO spectrum, except as the very worst offenders, has to be taken in to account. Society can’t just lock an offender away forever and never trust them again if that person slapped someone’s butt or peed in a park. That would be insanity.
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For the most part, sex offenses have been getting heavier and heavier minimum punishments. With how things are today, I feel like it would be political suicide to advocate for a more rational stance on this; to advocate for less harsh sentences on sex offenders. There are some states that are finally doing away with permanent registrations and living restrictions after it became clear that this crap was hurting society more than it was helping. It turns out that if you treat someone like a criminal and take away any chance they have, that person will be at a much higher risk to reoffend.
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I totally agree with you that just about everyone would be a sex offender if every comment and innuendo got reported. Lol
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Thanks for the head’s up on the other thread. I assumed the “discussion” would spiral into madness like usual, but guest_ came along and saved it with some good points. Would you guys mind terribly if I linked to this discussion, or at least @tagged guest_ here?
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Emotions and personal experiences aside, that’s basically on of my big points is in this whole mess. It's hard to think about something like the SO scale in a detached, subjective way but it helps everyone if the justice system can figure out that happy medium where punishments and rehabilitations are used to benefit all of society.
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You may have to give guest_ the heads up on what this is all about, though!
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But yeah, I just wanted to let you know right away that you can tag anyone you want. I'm not sure if Aviva is still with us
@xvarnah There! I tagged you! lol
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Yes, I know! And I know you're focused more on the offender and falsely accused, but it seemed semi relevant. She actually goes into some detail about the whole thing and I guess used it as part of one of her jokes and it's just disgusting all around. And I feel like this leeches over into the offender side of things-- the female party often gets off far easier for the same offences commited by a male, or foists all the blame on a male accomplice entirely. And it likely carries on after prison ends. It seems so imbalanced.
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Okay, I figured you probably were summarizing, but I've seen people with incredibly narrow viewpoints in positions of education before and you just never know. A lot of full blown disorders can be addressed if conditions are right... but not all. And some people need constant supervision, which is not a reality that can be enforced outside of a control environment.
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Sadly, as in your example with the guards, things like this can make people too nervous to actually seek help before they go over the edge.
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So were you and he in PC? Or did the guards throw him back out to the dogs?
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I honestly feel like guards (the honest ones) probably have one of the most difficult jobs in the world. I've seen what some of them go through, and even when they're not looking out for themselves, looking out for the criminals to protect them from each other is a fairly thankless job a lot of the time. Sorry, got off track.
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Oddly, paedophilia is far from "new," and was even an accepted part of several cultures for some time. I'm not sure if it qualifies as a mental disorder a lot of the time or not. It's a compulsion, not an addiction. Usually there seem to be other things at work as well.
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Oddly the things you describe in WT are what you'd often see in a sociopath. Not that I'm saying WT is one, I'm fairly certain he doesn't fit the bill, but he is not an somewhat normal-but-trying-to-stop-the-urges human being. He is, like a sociopath, a wolf in sheep's clothing. Charming to get what he wants, but fully intent on being a predator. And those likely are the more terrifying class of criminal, because on the surface, and even somewhat below, we can look at them, and see enough of ourselves to let our guards down.
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Unfortunately that's the catch. And it's why society is more often likely to look at someone who has offended once... and not give them a second chance. Unless they do get parole. And then I've discovered it becomes alarmingly simple for someone to lie and sneak and slip through the cracks. I doubt it's much different in the US.
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It probably would be political suicide. That hasn't stopped Trump, however. And I'm fairly convinced the guy he defended was lying. So there does seem to be wiggle room. But, again, to get any kind of ground work would take several years. And the thing is, with more and more "me too" people stepping forward, we're now seeing more and more false accusations. Which is a disgustingly depressing statistic, but not unexpected. Political suicide or not, eventually something will have to change. Doing away with permanent sentences is a start.
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I'm not sure if I like the morbid or not haha. I guess some part of me might. Yeesh. New York though? I imagine it must be brutal. :/ I've never heard of her before. Also, only kind of off topic, but have you seen mind hunter on Netflix? Or read the book of the same name? Curious, because they both follow a similar premise to what you've mentioned (the book was actually written by an FBI agent, the show is just based on it). It's to do with one of the original FBI agents to truly sit down with offenders and try and get inside the mindset of how they got the way they are and what they do. The show ofc is set up to be a drama, but you may (or may not) find either of them interesting
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Life talk: this is my first year in a while where I'm actually in a cold latitude for Christmas, so I'm personally in an extra-Christmassy spirit. It's not as great as Canada like you @xvarnah, but it's still pretty wintery. Hopefully, @aviva, your life will calm down and you'll get in a magical holiday spirit this week too..
@jasonmon Thank you
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Aw that's great. :) tbh I've never been anywhere warm for Christmas. I was in California nearish to Christmas and saw people dressing up palm trees and stuff and it both was cute and made me insanely melancholy because my brain just thought "no no no that's not right at ALL." I don't know, I guess I'm one of those people that just loves snow and a bit of chill around Christmas. It makes the decorations seem that much brighter and warmer. Hopefully you get the same kind of vibe this year despite all the crap going on in your life
Heads up, @jasonmon There‘s a post about masturbation with a picture of a naked woman on the ‘All‘ page
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Also, THANK YOU both for telling me when porn-type stuff gets posted. I now check my notifications before I look at posts.
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To answer your questions, I wasn’t in protective custody for the first two weeks (in St. Thomas), but I was for the rest of the time.
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I can’t imagine what it would be like to be a prison guard. On a good day, it would be like waiting tables for the dumbest, meanest, loudest guests on earth. On a bad day, you’d be dodging fists and feces while everyone is yelling. No freaking thanks.
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One of my friends just suggested Mind Hunter! I typically avoid that stuff but I think I’d be interested in it now.
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I didn’t mind the bucket story! I am just freaked out and saddened that stuff like that goes down :/
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This change would save justice systems huge effort and expense, but I don’t know why the laws are staunchly protected across the world. Is it because it would be political suicide to drop the definition of an adult to 16, or would there be some unintended consequence that I don’t know? Maybe governments are worried about 16-year-olds voting or not finishing school, or maybe there would be some way for predators to exploit adolescents in the 16 to 18 age group. I have no idea. I’m off-topic, but my point is there’s a horrifying amount of wasted money and ruined lives because adulthood starts at 18 instead of 16. I doubt my story can do much in that regard; it just bothers me that, from my narrow point of view, this arbitrary law seems to be doing more harm than good in today’s society.
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@jasonmon no worries haha. It's been a busy week for me anyway. Coincidentally enough I got my uncle one of those saucers to catch bird seed for Christmas :p I'm glad yours was good! :)
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No worries! Like I said I'm not entirely sure what qualifies as pornographic for those rules set for you, so sometimes I'm not sure if I should warn you or not. Anything blatant, though, it's become a two step process: report, and then come tag you haha. I almost feel like I should make a post and anytime something alarming is posted I can just tag you there and if you see it's been tagged you know automatically to be en guard.
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It's interesting how criminals can commit really heinous crimes but still have a code of conduct. Like "sure, maybe I killed an entire family while their children watched, but at least I'm not the same scum who raped a woman in an alley." I mean, it makes sense if you think of it more because everyone has a code of ethics, and a concept of what they believe would be the worse or more "pathetic" crime. It's just kind of surreal when it comes to light.
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Then again, some would argue that's also how we end up with a good portion of criminals in the first place.
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Not that anybody brought it up but I'm curious since you've been on the inside what your perspective is on having female guards at male prisons and male guards at female prisons
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Either way, I've honestly wondered on occasion if one of my relatives is one or not. She likely isn't, but she certainly has a lot of the characteristics. Dealing with people like that is exhausting, and I couldn't imagine being surrounded by them day in and day out. Not that every criminal in the prisons is one, but I'm sure there's a decent percentage. Being surrounded by toxic people wears you down, and it's kind of amazing you came out of it without absorbing so much of the negativity.
I did forget that there are some sex scenes in the series though. Not like xxx rated or anything, but typical Netflix level sex, so I'm not sure if that would be a problem. You could always fastforward them mind you.
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Either way, the guy it's about was one of the key figures in criminal profiling. I believe a lot of the interviews in the show are based on the actual interviews with the criminals as well (they recorded most of their interviews with criminals).
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Indeed. We live in a very sick world sometimes. I think that's part of why people get so lost in the justice system. How do you deliver justice for crimes like that? What's fair for the criminal and the victim? How does society even begin to deal with this kind of diseased occurrence?
@jasonmon No worries.
My apologies to you both if I‘m too quiet. I keep telling myself I‘ll come back and read it but then it gets swallowed up by other notifications
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Side note @aviva as well: I was coming here to warn, and I realized this comment chain is now over 160 comments long.
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@jasonmon I think the exact number was 163 but that was before any of us posted anyything again haha
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https://m.funsubstance.com/fun/507945/slurp-up-that-delicious-mental-health/
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And @xvarnah, you're right - this entire comment thread would be intimidating to any sane person haha I can see why people wouldn't have jumped in when I tagged them.
@xvarnah I just noticed that I never responded. I understand what you mean.
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In regards to pbachman I'm not sure how your responses would be shady, but irregardless it's not obligational. She has received a lot of positive feedback (some from our resident @aviva) already and it seems to have helped some
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"The Tackling Violent Crime Act raises the legal age of sexual consent in Canada to 16 from 14, the first time it has been raised since 1892. But the law includes a "close-in-age exception," meaning 14- and 15-year-olds can have sex with someone who is less than five years older."
@aviva I keep meaning to ask you – you’re skittles, right? When you joined, I decided that’s who you were and never questioned it but I realized I’ve never seen it come up.
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@xvarnah Thanks again (both of you) for the head’s up on the questionable posts. I’ve started my class now and they want me to log every time something like that comes up and what my reaction was (ie did I drop everything and stare at it or did I move along to the next thing), so they’re more tolerant than I thought. But they also want me to log any interaction where a minor female is involved specifically if I am telling her she’s pretty for some reason or trying to help her in any way while she might be emotionally vulnerable. They’re much less tolerant about that, which is why I felt like I couldn’t help pbachman1 on that chat the other day.
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I want to talk about my class because it’s bonkers. I do it in a few paragraphs, but first, I’ll respond to the stuff you had asked about a few weeks ago:
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In prison, criminals definitely have a hierarchy. It’s collectively referred to as “politics.” You get asked for paperwork (your list of charges/convictions) right away. If you don’t have it, everyone assumes you’re at the bottom of the pecking order as a sex offender or, even worse, a snitch. You’ll sometimes get a day or two to produce something but at that point you should just forget it and get in to protective custody. It’s not worth dying. PC is annoying because you are excluded from all the fun stuff, like being in a bigger Yard at rec time and having more people to talk to and more books to choose from.
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The top of the hierarchy is as follows: the top of the list are gang leaders. The higher you rank outside, the higher you rank inside. Then under them, you have regular gang members. The amount of power they have is directly proportional to the number of them in the facility. And under them, you have the general population. The GP is pretty much all drug offenders, DUIs, Assaults, Harassment, parole violation, etc.
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Each facility where I was detained has a women’s section. They keep women separate from inmates, but obviously the guards will mix with the whole population. Each place had a healthy mix of male and female guards, and they were respected and feared equally. “Ducking” is a big no-no and it seems to happen a lot; it’s when the guards engage in sex with prisoners. One of the female guards in my last place was ducking with someone in my block. She would face serious prison time if she were found out.
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Switching gears now: Canada seems like it has the right idea. 14-15 year olds definitely need to be protected. 16-17 year olds are trusted to make most decisions but are a little limited. Once you’re 18, you can do whatever you want. I think that’s the general direction things are heading everywhere but the most conservative places.
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People definitely get touched by the system. If someone is in for any amount of time, it can really leave a mark. I’m glad I had accidentally developed the right set of coping skillz before I went in.
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The second chapter ends with some interesting stuff about fantasies. Basically, the theory is if no one had any “deviant fantasies” then sexual offending would be eradicated. That’s something I’d never thought of before. These offenses can be stopped way before they’re committed. A lot of this is geared toward violent offenders and pedophiles.
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Chapter 3 gets in to some deep, weird psychotherapy regarding reconditioning yourself. You need to write out the most deviant fantasy you can come up with and then get a jug of ammonia.
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I hope this is interesting stuff for you guys to read. I don’t want to be a bummer or freak you out. If you want, I can post more stuff that happens in the class or in the book. I’m in a pretty unique situation and this seems like a good use of my energy at the moment.
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Anyway, does this mean you no longer require a head's up? I'm fine either way-- warning you doesn't put me out at all, I'm just curious what you'd prefer.
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I guess it kind of makes sense they're more interested in HOW you react to adult sexual imagery as opposed to just forbidding you from seeing if .
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That also makes sense. And no worries about not responding to her-- I think she said she's 17 but that's pushing it. Tbh I didn't know if anyone would respond at all, I was just literally having no actual words pop into my head to try and help her, so I tried to get as many people involved that I thought might have some good insight as I could. No one was obligated to respond, and I figured you either didn't want to respond, had no new input to add, hadn't read the post, or just were unable to respond.
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Will your record be fully expunged in 5 months?
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Yeah, I know a bit about prison hierarchys. Not a LOT, but I've read peoples' accounts, seen a few TV shows, and had a relative or two in prison. Hardly makes me an expert but I have a basic feel for it. Seems it works just like they all say it does. And I know a lot of gang members actually take children's safety VERY seriously... which is ironic in a way.
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As for the guards... that kind of bothers me. I genuinely don't think having opposite gender guards working with prisoners is a good idea. There's just too much room for abuse on both ends. You say this guard was having sex with a "kid," how old was he? Do you know?
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What kind of coping skills do you mean?
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The guys are terrifying? Or the crimes they commuted are?
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It's weird they'd have you do polygraph tests given how unreliable they are. I guess desperate times, desperate measures. A lot of the worst ones become pretty well professional grade liars by that stage, so i imagine they use every tool they have and just hope for the best.
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Do they have any accommodations for you at least, or are you just expected to fend for yourself?
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I suppose if no one had deviant fantasies it wouldn't occur.. But I can't imagine I've ever met an adult who didn't have a fantasy that would in some way be considered deviant. I'm not sure how they intend to stop people from having thoughts
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This thread is kind of an interactive journal for me at this point - I'm sure it's daunting for guest_ or Paris. Writing to you guys gives me motivation to log it while it's all happening to me, when it would maybe otherwise be too emotionally exhausting. I have my meeting tomorrow, so I'll give you an actual update sometime soon-ish, depending on how well things go :) I have lots of interesting input on what you brought up, @xvarnah.
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And my rules rn are 1) avoid anything sexually suggestive so please @tag me if you think of it, and 2) don't try and help anyone who states they're a female under 18 because that could be construed as something inappropriate. If I think they're suicidal, I'll jump in though; idc if I go to jail for 30 days if I'm saving someone's life
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How long have you been around @xvarnah?
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That makes sense! I feel like they probably would have had some good insight but it takes a long time to get caught up on everything and I know guest_ has been going through some stuff atm (I think he moved also). But it's good-- this is a good way to help keep the important details in order, though you may want screenshots or something also just in case funsub does a purge of some kind (you never know-- I've seen it happen randomly on websites before). Plus I think it's just good that you're talking about it, whether it be to us or someone else. Even if it's all going to disappear paper-wise in a few months, it's still a harrowing experience to be sure.
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Haha you usually do have interesting things to say. Take your time though-- I'm not meaning to just insta-spam you immediately.
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Alright, I'll continue attempting to warn you. On that note, there was a butt plug posted somewhere... but it's literally just a photo of the plug because it has a fidget spinner attached to it. Can't quite remember what it's name was, though :s If anyone actually finds that sexual I'll be disturbed, but just in case that requires a heads-up.
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And I'll endeavour not to tag you if I know there's a minor female involved. I tend to forget people's names/genders/ages fairly quickly so I can't promise anything, but a note has been made in this Swiss cheese I call my brain
https://m.funsubstance.com/fun/474113/that-transpired-well/
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Based on that I have apparently been commenting for 36 weeks (0.69 years according to google, which the inner 12 year old in me finds amusing). I lurked on this website for like a year and a half before that, though I think. Never really paid attention to the comments, just scrolled through posts to try and relax and such. Guess we three have the lurker quality in common. Get a break from drama and such. Ironic since now half the time this website has drama but hasn't gotten toooo overwhelming yet
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I got curious and looked for my first comment. I remember lurking for a good year before I ever commented and then I remember being so nervous as I was typing this comment on a Tom and Jerry post about how they had the realest beef of all time because they never said a word before attacking:
https://m.funsubstance.com/fun/361804/they-kept-it-real/
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I just realized I'd only ever made 14 comments on the site before my arrest. Since I've been out, I've made over 800. I'm going to miss everyone when I finally return to my life and work all the time! My first comment when I was free was trying to help someone find a font. What?
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Anyway, I have lots to say about all the other stuff here and I will post on-topic soon haha
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I like how your post was actually informative/had implications and mine was essentially just "dogs are goofy!" I don't remember if I was nervous posting my FIRST comment haha. I've been nervous posting a couple things since then. I was definitely nervous posting my first post (not that I even made it), but I don't even remember what it was now.
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Haha well did they find the font at least?
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Aw, I'm sure you won't miss us too much-- you'll still get on sometimes I imagine. You'll probably be distracted catching up on all the things you've missed out on since then in real life. I imagine there's been a lot :/
"Does anyone have the sauce of this? Is for investigation purposes"
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It's below a post with a cartoon about racism in police or something
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Admittedly the pic is small and blurry, but it is a stripper performing, so be en garde
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I hope you are doing better today. Whenever I feel bad but I don't know how to isolate why, I can usually narrow it down pretty quickly with a little game: I picture a solid, impenetrable circle with me in the middle of it. The circle is my boundary. Everything inside the circle is something I can control: how I feel about myself and others, what I am doing right now, and where I invest my time and energy. Everything outside is something I can't control: things other people have done to me, how other people feel about me, and what's happened to me in the past.
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My game is that I separate my thoughts into two groups: inside my boundary and outside my boundary. Some thoughts are tricky because there are components of inside and outside. With those, focus on them to break them up into smaller pieces and you'll see the pieces will fall into categories. If you don't know, fire them off here and @xvarnah or I..
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You start every day with a little thimble full of energy to invest however you'd like. If your energy is taken up by things outside your boundary, it'll poke a hole in the bottom of that thimble and drain you dry. The feeling you'll get from that is the clinical defenition of "suffering." With this little game, you can learn to slow down and stop energy leaks by recognizing that things exist outside your boundary and reframing them into problems that fit inside your boundary so you can make a plan to chip away at them. Does that make sense?
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Happiness is just a little squirt of emotion in your brain, but fulfillment is the real treasure - your highs and lows will all be pretty good. I feel bad for people who are addicted to seeking happiness because it's something that's bound to fade away.
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Even in prison, I tried to lead a fulfilling life. There's a lot of sad people in there. Almost every day, I'd show someone how to stretch or do light exercise, or we'd have big heart-to-hearts about life. When I was trying to wrap my head around being in prison for the rest of my life, I decided that plenty of people needed help in there, so I was okay with my new calling.
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It took me ten years or so to figure out what that meant to me. Be patient with the process and be patient with yourself while you figure it out. Everyone is all about instant gratification today but the best things take work. Don't ever feel lonely or overwhelmed; funsub has your back :)
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Did something specific happen last night to upset you that you know of? Or Is it as Jasonmon said and you're not sure, you're just feeling bad in a general sense? Are you feeling any better this morning at all?
@xvarnah By incacerated I meant that he did not let us go out(even within the compound/backyard) or have any contact with the outside world, even with family. We went out with him only and this only happened about 2-5 times a year. It didn‘t help that he owned several guns which he enjoyed threatening to kill us with. He‘s the mess that lead me to FS.
And I do not mind talking about. I have had short periods of free time and wanted to respond when I could finally had some breathing space. I‘m so sorry about my late response.
I'm not sure what advice to offer on this, because it truly sounds like you handled it the best you could. Maybe @jasonmon will have better insight-- he seems to have some good thoughts on the matter. For me I would just say try and distance yourself from her vitriol as much as possible. It's okay to feel upset or unhappy, but don't ever for a second let the way they treat you take root in your heart. You don't deserve what they've put you through, and you are so much more than they would ever let you believe. Even if you DO live with her, it won't be forever. Her attitude may never change, but your situation will, and you will be able to get away and rise above the pitiful existence they have built for themselves.
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I'm glad you don't live with him. Your aunt doesn't sound like a good caretaker but anything is better than what you were going through. It definitely sounds to me like there's something very wrong with her mentally, but whether it's clinical I don't know. I've known people who have done insanely cruel and inhumane things with no explanation other than they're bitter and powerless and they want to inflict misery on others to gain some semblance of control in their lives. It's truly one of the most disheartening representatives of humanity you can encounter...
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You're smarter and stronger than you give yourself credit for also. I get the feeling you experience self doubt and feel insecure sometimes, but you don't need to. You have things to say and things to contribute and from what I can tell they're worth hearing.
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But that's the vengeful side of me talking I guess
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You said someone tried to rape you... did you want to talk about it? That's a hard thing to go through alone. If you don't I understand, but if you do... also, I hope none of the talk about Jason's situation has been upsetting at all
@xvarnah About it: There‘s a man who helped guide me during an exams. I didn‘t know the place well or how things worked there. There are many restricted areas so I had to sit in this man‘s office till my uncle‘s driver came to pick me up. He talked a lot about his beliefs, school, etc. I don‘t remember him bringing up any sexual stuff. As days went by, he seemed to always want me to sit in his office. I didn‘t know his motive at the time. He was also excessively kind(as in, approving stuff for me first,etc.).
Also, sorry for the long story
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I don’t really swear, but Jesus F*ck, @aviva. I am happy you’ve kept it together so well through the stuff you’ve been through, and I’m glad you have a good head on your shoulders. But damn, that guy was way out of line. He is living in a distorted reality where his fantasies are real in his mind and he thinks everyone is on his messed-up wavelength. Have you thought about e-mailing his boss what happened? Even copying and pasting your story here and sending it would raise flags and at least put this crazy man on the radar. Thanks to my class, I’m learning that guys like this will have between 10 and 20 victims that they’re grooming simultaneously. They put themselves in positions where they have access
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(Can you tell that I like to offer solutions to people? @xvarnah, you’re awesome at the emotional support/intuition. I’ve never been great at that and I respect your skills immensely. I like to give people tools they can use to learn or potentially help themselves. I’m just taking shots in the dark but I hope they’re helping...or at least interesting. ) With that in mind, the book, called the “Road to Freedom,” talks about meeting your basic needs from Maslow’s Pyramid. If you nail one layer before moving up to the next one, your mindset stays solid and you can become “self-actualized.” The book focuses a lot on the self-esteem layer.
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“When you can understand how abuse, neglect, boundary violations, and people who could not or did not pay attention to you affected your feelings about yourself, then you understand that the things that originally caused your low self-esteem were never about you in the first place. They were about things that were done to you, or things that were not done for you, by other people.
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We have talked a lot in this book about how children are not responsible. That goes for you too. When you were a child you were not responsible – not responsible for your own behavior and certainly not responsible for the behavior of the adults in your life. You may still believe that you deserved the abuse or neglect you received because you were ‘bad.’ It’s time for you to reexamine that belief.
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Most of this book is absurdly not applicable but it has good moments, like this, that are nice to read. I’m okay now but in my teens and twenties, I struggled with low self-esteem. It seems like you have most of this handled as well, but I thought I’d give you an insight as to what psychotherapists are saying on the subject.
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It's also why it sometimes takes me awhile to respond to things because my brain is struggling to come up with a response haha.
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Either way, as I said, it looks like you provided some really good insights and perspectives here. I hope you're okay though after the Wendy's incident. :/ I think, once all this is over, we really need to find you something to read that isn't all doom and gloom
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Have you kept this to yourself all this time? :/
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As Jason said-- you can certainly report him if you feel strong enough to do so. It may help you and others. But I feel a bit more wary about the concept that it will be welcomed with open arms. The MeToo movement has helped, but I've seen a lot of stories of victims get twisted. I'm not discouraging you by any means, just saying be aware of that if you do go forward
A big part of me wants to report the crazy man, but sometimes I feel bad about how much it would affect his wife and his baby. Especially, since he is the one putting their food on the table.
The parent that wronged me was my dad and not my mom. I wasn‘t a bad child. I was usually silent and kept to myself. I felt like I had to serve him. I did not do anything to cause him to hate me. I respected him like he was a god. I don‘t know if i have said this before, but my dad is most likely a sex addict and lusts over many women. To him, my mom was limiting him and she had to go. He paid our nanny to poison her food. Always, whenever the nanny cooked for her, her food tasted completely like perfume but mine didn‘t. Mom had the chance to run but stayed hoping he would change, but he killed her. There was a time I was angry with her for not packing up and leaving. I then understood that my dad is an extremely dangerous and difficult person and it wasn‘t her fault for being afraid. I forgave that.
@xvarnah I kept it to myself mostly. It‘s because it is really difficult approaching my mom‘s siblings about sensitive things in my life. They misunderstand quite easily and may think I did something to prompt his actions (like flirting with him,etc.). I understand what you mean about the possibility of it not being welcomed by some people. I have considered that. And thank you. I did not have anyone to talk to
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I understand worrying about his wife and child, but keep in mind what happens to them would not and never will be your fault. He demonstrated in his behaviour (trying to lure you somewhere dark, denying the allegations, acting properly the moment his boss was around) that he is fully aware and completely comprehending that what he was doing was wrong. If a man goes to prison for murder you don't blame the person he shot for dying. It's his fault and his decision to pull the trigger. There's support systems available for the wife and child
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But most importantly if you want to talk about it more we're here. Sunflowers also may be worth hitting up. I don't know if she'll mind, but she's talked about what she went through on here as well. But again it's just what you're comfortable with
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Also, I'll leave the link to www.rainn.com which you can go to if you want to or not, since they are specialized in helping people who have been assaulted.
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Also, like I said, I don't want you to jeopardize your living situation. If you think reporting this guy will somehow do that, just know that you can wait a year or more and still report it.
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And @xvarnah, what you said is completely bad*ss and hits the nail so perfectly on the head that it's been making me laugh all day: "If a man goes to prison for murder you don't blame the person he shot for dying." So good! :)
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The perpetrators we're talking about in my thread are past the punishment phase and are in to their recovery phase. Other guys, like this crazy man, still need to be shown that they're bad.
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Haha I'm glad it made you laugh. I was actually rather pissed-off-on-aviva's-behalf when I was typing that and really just wanted to make sure she understood she has no reason to feel guilty about any of it, so I'm glad the analogy works
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Tbh the teacher in @Aviva 's story definitely needs a strong "kick upside the head with a golf shoe" as a customer I used to know would say. It sounds like he deliberately targetted Aviva hoping she'd be timid, manipulated, and isolated, and instead got someone smart, resilient and resourceful
@jasonmon What‘s more annoying is that he has sued my uncle and aunt(both took up the responsibility for us. This aunt is not messed up) about 5 times. He claims they ‘kidnapped‘ us. He swore to my eldest brother that he wants them both dead. What annoys me is that he staged sadness infront of the police and said that he and I “were very close and we were bffs“(TERRIBLE LIE). He then said that we were told what to say against him and that we were brainwashed. He said to my face that he did not do anything negative to me. He said that he “alone could raise us in a good way and take us to the best schools). I just know in my heart that if I didn‘t reach out to legal officers and we were still living with him, we would have been dead by now.
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To answer you question, the crazy man in your first story did indeed commit a sexual assault against you. He crossed the line in two ways - he touched you without permission for a sexual purpose when he hugged you from behind, and then he kissed you when you were telling him no (even though it was your hand.) It was wrong because 1) he's married, 2) he was in a position of power over you and 3) you aren't legally capable of consenting to that sort of stuff. He knew all that and disregarded it because he is deeply psychologically unwell (in a dangerous way.)
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Can you tell I have little sisters that I've given advice? Haha
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When I'm "off paper" I can talk more specifically about my feelings for your lovely father. Does he still want custody of you? All I'll say now is please journal stuff he does/says. I don't mean just the past, but also specifically anything he says now. If he makes a play to force you to move home, you can show the authorities how crazy he is. Writing something now carries a lot more legal weight than saying something later.
No, I couldn‘t tell lol.
“Off paper?“ And yes, he still wants custody of us(I think it‘s me he wants most at the moment, and I was the one he hated the most). I have already made up my mind that I don‘t have a mom or dad and I‘m ok with that. If I don‘t have that much money to get the life I want now, it doesn‘t mean I never will. I‘m more concerned about moving forward because I doubt there is anything positive he has to say to or do for me. And thank you for the journal advice. I‘d have to be reminded again in a few hours so I can get one tomorrow. Thank you so much for your advice. And yours too, @xvarnah :)
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A number of parents and teachers had expressed concern over this behaviour and asked him to stop over a period of time. He refused. So, finally, one of the teachers asked the FBI agent if he could do anything (it was outside his jurisdiction but he attempted anyway). He asked the principal to stop, and the man, again, refused. Finally a member of the school board asked the FBI agent his opinion about the principal's continued position teaching. The FBI agent iirc basically said he can't guarantee that the man's behaviour won't escalate.
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The school board fires the man.
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And the reason this felt relevant to me is because the wife is taking the same perspective of blame as you are.
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At any time the principal in question had options. He knew his behaviour was offensive, he knew it was bothering people, he had been asked to stop. He continued. And, because of his behaviour, he lost everything. NOT because the FBI agent spoke out. But because he chose not to desist in his behaviour. Every single consequence that followed was his own fault.
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People often want to misplace blame or blame themselves because it's sometimes easier than standing up and saying "this is a consequence I am part of, but this consequence doesn't belong to me. It is not my fault."
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You're a domino he crashed into-- not the one at the start of the line. He made the decision-- the wrong decision-- and if it sends him careening off a cliff it will never be your fault.
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Also, what happened to you is absolutely an assault. the moment he put his hand on you it became an assault. Possibly even before. The moment he kissed you it became a sexual assault. The moment he attempted to keep you from leaving it could be argued it was a kidnapping or unlawful confinement. There's a myriad things he did there that he could be charged with
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I'm not on paper and I have more than enough words (and several sharp objects) for your father. I know, I know, shouldn't condone violence, but goddamn. You need to do whatever it takes to keep yourself away from him. Your brothers as well, hopefully, but they sound like they get it a bit better from him. He sounds like a vindictive, abusive, bitter, entitled, weak, pathetic slug that I'm not even sure I want to classify as a human being. I don't know how you survived everything he put you through.
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I think Jason's thing about the journal is a good idea. It just never hurts to have a record of things like that.
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I imagine as they age the reality will eventually dawn on them. Or they may choose to stay in denial-- it's hard to say. It sounds like you care about each other on some level at least, which is a good thing.
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I don't think you should feel to need to be strong around them all the time. I understand the logic and decision, but never forget that You're human, too, and you deserve to express yourself sometimes.
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As a side note: I wanted to link this comment chain, since some of the other funsub users are talking about their experiences. Don't feel obligated to post or even read it, I just wanted to make it available to you:
https://m.funsubstance.com/fun/511931/me/?last_comment=3087600&ref=notif#comment3087600
I sometimes can‘t help it but try to suppress my emotions till I‘m alone. Ok, I will read it :)
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At the end of the day she was aware of the situation in it's entirety and enabling him to continue it. In that regard she's at least partially guilty for the result
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And that's fair-- you obviously know you better and know what works for you. Just don't keep it too bottled up
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Sorry, rant done. Continue about the man?
@Jasonmon It‘s ok. And thank you. I‘m trying to feel emotionally better.
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Tbh if your living situation with your relatives were even a fraction better I would be entirely gung-ho about you reporting this sick man. Don't get me wrong-- I absolutely still have your back if you and your friend decide to, but your family (as in your aunts, dad, and cousin) worries and disgusts me and I don't want them undermining your experience.
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I don't know, and I'm not sure if @Jasonmon knows, if it's possible for you to approach the police and just say "look, I can't testify or do anything, but you need to have this guy on your radar." Or even report him anonymously or something. But Jason would probably know more about how something like that might work.
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What a backwards group of people who would rather protect a predator and live in denial than actually acknowledge a pattern of behavior
I am thinking of talking to an uncle about what is going on. He does not know. I also want to take to a lady really close to the family whom my aunts sorta look up to. She knows a bit of what they do. I want to let her know how things are now. What do you guys think?
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You'd want to handle right because it's a delicate situation. My main concern is I don't want you to jeopardize your living situation with your aunt, as bad as it might be sometimes.
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If I were you, I'd write down five or six things you want to say - like some of the stories you've told us here - and take the time to word them correctly. Focus your stories on your aunt, and focus on things like her keeping you away from your grandmom, and things she says about not trusting you. Remind them you've had a hard time and the last thing you want to do is cause trouble. You just wish your aunt would love you and treat you fairly.
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What do you think, @xvarnah?
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Again, I know I sound like a broken record but I just don't want you to have negative blowback in your life right now.
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If you guys haven't read the Haribo reviews he was talking about, do yourself a favor and read them. They're absolutely, unbelievably hilarious: https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.cheezburger.com/157189/amazon-sugarless-haribo-gummy-bear-reviews
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A couple of my friends got fired for giving them to kitchen staff at a nice restaurant where I live. The restaurant had to close that night because of the combined intestinal trauma of the poor cooks.
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First, who are these people? I mean, you gave us a basic, but I guess I want to know a bit more details of their connection to you vs their connection to the rest of your family.
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This uncle.. Which side of the family is he on? Does he at all agree with your father or your aunts?
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The same sort of applies to this woman-- you say your aunt looks up to her, but if they're confidants that could create a problem.
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second-- what are you wanting to talk to them about? I'm not clear on whether you want to talk to them about how abusive your aunts are, or the situation with the stair well man.
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Writing down things you want to talk about is a good strategy, although, again, I want to know more before I try and offer too much advice.
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As Jason said also, rainn does have counsellors and mandatory reporting. I'm not certain if that means they try and obtain your information, however. I can't imagine that's how it works, but I'm not sure. If you're interested in talking to them I may fire off an email and see if they can answer some questions prior to that if it makes you more comfortable and you decide you want to go that route.
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As a side note-- I have no idea what pokethebear said in the chat. Ironically I tend to skim Long comment chains and just see if there's anything I need to reply to more often than not as very long comment chains actually tend to confuse my brain after awhile. Hence why I haven't participated in the one guest_ and vit-something have been having on the post about teaching men not to rape haha.. This one isn't bad because, despite its content it hasn't been overly complex in terminology etc if that makes sense? Maybe you guys are just easier for me to follow since I've been here from the beginning. Who knows.
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^what a long winded way to say "I didn't read his comment," good grief
@Jasonmon Yes, I would be talking to them about my living situation. Ok. I completely understand. I‘ll try to write them down amd word them too. I am concerned about my mom‘s twin finding the paper since her sometimes snoops in my room when I‘m not at home. I will definitely consider talking to someone on rainn. You don‘t sound like a broken record lol. I understand ^·^
Oh lol. I felt pokethebear was kidding, but I wasn‘t sure and didn‘t want to react in a way he‘d feel offended. LOL.
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If you think either of them can help without your aunts secretly taking it out on you then I absolutely think it's worth a shot, and as jasonmon said, take some time to go over the key things you want to talk about, and figure out how you want to approach them. Even if they come out differently when you talk, it's still a good idea to be prepared so you can orient how and what you want to say
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Please let us know how it goes, or if you get stuck (procedurally or emotionally haha)!
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I‘ll update you guys on it(before and after). :)
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Please let us know how it goes when you talk to the family friend.
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Also, please keep a running email draft (or burned letters lol) of the crap your aunt does. That'll be a reminder for you later. I don't want you sulking in negativity, I just want you to have things written down did you can come back to them later and communicate them better to people. Does that make sense, @xvarnah?
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Can you keep in touch with your uncle in the future? Like, maybe you and your brother can talk to him briefly once a week? You don't have to talk about anything in particular per se, but it is important for your sanity to have a neutral person in your life who you can vent to. Over time, he'll get a better picture...
@jasonmon The conversation was with my eldest brother. I have not spoken with my uncle yet. Just to clarify by “the person we call ‘dad‘“ I meant our father. My eldest brother had a call with him a few weeks ago.
Oh, I almost forgot to get a journal. I‘ll see if I can get one within the week. Also, I plan on speaking with my uncle alone. My eldest brother is preoccupied with school.
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Does your eldest brother live with your aunt as well, or is he away at school somewhere?
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I definitely think it's best if you talk to your uncle alone. What I said earlier when I was confused still applies though - your uncle might be dismissive of your situation at first or he might not really react until he has had time to mull it over. Don't give up hope if he reacts that way at first.
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@aviva there's the possibility your brother won't listen to you, and you have to on some level be prepared for that. I hope he does, though. At the end of the day you can't go back to your dad. I don't have any faith that he'd let you escape again. I think you should mention your concerns about your brother yo your uncle as well possibly
@Xvarnah I know. I feel the same way too. And ok :)
I spoke with my uncle yesterday about the crazy stairs man. He said I should have told him sooner, and he also plans to do something about it. He was in a hurry and did not have enough time to talk about my living condition. I guess that‘s for another day. The family friend has been preoccupied lately. I will talk to her soon when she has some free time.
@Xvarnah I‘m glad too :)
I‘m glad I have you guys
P.S: A part of me loves your long comments lol
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I will eventually type out my next phase. I need to journal it all. It's intensive psychotherapy and, not shockingly, it's messing with my head a lot. I've been trying to cope with that. Fortunately, I only have five days left before life is good again!
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As for granlobomalo, I am commenting here because I wouldn't want to make him feel weird: it seems like he's going through something and he feels lonely. It's weird that he put his houses all up for sale. Did he just retire or did he lose his primary source of income?
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But it seems like he'll be back. Yesterday when he was writing his comments, he said he was drunk. When he wakes up today, he'll probably be like, "Oh man, what was I thinking?" and delete or change them. Either way, we all communicated pretty well that we have his back. Hopefully he won't leave. He's a funny dude!
Oh. Do you think he feels he can‘t talk to anyone on here? I‘m sure we could help. When he mentioned selling the houses, I thought it was part of a fundraiser and not that they belonged to him. And ok. I really do hope he feels better. I‘m worried for him.
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He won't leave completely but he might not be granlobomalo anymore, probably?, because of the guest_ thing. But then guest_ just came along and was extremely graceful with his answer to lobo. Do you understand?
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A "wolf" is smaller than a "bear" but bigger than an "otter." All three terms are slang terms for hairy, gay men. It turns out that granlobomalo's not-gay crush on guest_ was actually a NOT-not-gay crush and the T R U T H thread was lobo's way of clearing the air.
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If it's any consolation, lobo always calls you out specifically when he's feeling lovey dovey. I can tell that he loves you very much and wishes you the best. I'll bet he thinks of you as a "sassy young lady who's going to kick the world's butt." He'll always have your back...
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I could be way off on all this but I'm can be pretty good at figuring this stuff out if I put my mind to it. Sometimes I'm miles off, though. I've only read what you guys have read. Do you think I'm crazy with my analysis?
Oh. I really wish he would at least hint to me what‘s wrong. I want to have his back too. And I‘ll always have you and @xvarnah ‘s backs :)
I don‘t think you‘re crazy with it, but Granbo was always indirect sometimes.
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I think he knows we're there for him though. All three of us made it very clear in that chat with him, as well as guest_.
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I've been meaning to ask - is t__v__t okay? She disappeared.
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I hope you both are doing okay. I know you're both going through things right now, and you inparticular haven't had much chance to talk about it lately @jasonmon , though aviva's just barely had her own chance to as well.
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I don't really know enough about Granlobomalo to speculate. Until this recent comment chain I had no idea he was: older, seemingly somewhat well-off (if he can afford multiple houses and moving etc), or gay/bisexual (still not clear). Not that any of it MATTERS, I just literally had no idea.
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I may have to go re-read what he wrote. I kind of thought he was drunk during the first comments but not later, but I may have misinterpreted. I also completely managed to miss anything amiss between him and guest_
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Want some funsub trivia that you may or may not know? I like paying attention to users who come and go, and to users who are friends irl. I also like to see what users are from the same area and become friends, or when they just become friends on here, in a random comment thread. There too many to list unless you guys really want to know but here are my favorites: the twin brothers from NZ: flyingoctopus and mrfahrenheit, hilarious sisters in Australia: calvinoot and parisqeen. I like that silvermyth and hyperion bonded over art years ago and both post really creative, original content here, and call each other out sometimes.
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Users reinvent themselves, like: mightyoak->fell_equinox
peachyperssimon-> peachyana->peachyy? (Just a guess)
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And, drumroll please:
leincredibleme ->@elincredibleme ->granlobomalo (99% sure)
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Then again, I half-thought aviva was skittles, so who am I to know for sure? :p I hope you ladies are having a good day!
Huh? If you‘re right, I wonder why he left that account. How are you sure it‘s him? Also, when you mentioned skittles the first time, I thought you were asking about my sexuality lol.
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I'm glad t__v__t is okay and recovering..
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HAHAHA I definitely wasn't inquiring after anyone's sexuality. Maybe I'll try to remember that word though. It kinda works, in a weird way, to ask if someone is "skittles."
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My day was alright, but my car got messed up - it's stuck in second gear :/ (the Friends theme song has been in my head for some crazy reason: "this hasn't been my day, my week, my month or even my year....") I spent most of yesterday trying to figure out how to coax my car into other gears and it's being a big jerk. Oh well. I'll get it eventually!
Two people I know a bit well shared very bizarre stories with me this morning. I was thinking I could share them with you and @xvarnah , if that‘s ok
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Fire away, @aviva
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Does he LIVE with her? How old is his brother?
He and his brother stay at her house when their parents travel. His brother is about 15
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If you know him then maybe you should direct him to RAINN just so he has that as an option, but... seriously. He can't let this go on. Psychological and physical trauma aside, he could get an STD or God only knows what else. One of these men could KILL him. He is a 13 year old, it is NOT his responsibility to look after his grandmother, especially not this way. If she has issues, there are DOZENS of options available. Financial aid, bank loans, multiple jobs. She could bloody well beg on the street-- and SHOULD-- before putting him through something like this.
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And his brother his part of it... I don't even know what to say about that.
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Prostitution indicates a certain degree of consent, which he is unable to give as he is a minor. It is rape for profit or sexual slavery.
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I don't really know how I feel about giving advice to someone about how to get raped with less pain.
Also, that‘s why I did not respond to that question. It‘s really sick and extremely disturbing
My friend(let‘s call her Alice) was in a family where she got constantly raped by her parents and siblings. She told me she had no idea that it was illegal and that she was told that she was pathetic and deserved it. I told her to call the cops, she did and both her parents were arrested. She and her siblings were put in therapy. She got adopted and she told me recently that she‘s really happy where she is now. She‘s 15.
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There are reasons this type of stuff is frowned on. He's making the best of a bad situation but his life will be better and more full if he gets out of this. Kids need to develop their social skills and learn what it means to be a person. Being in a powerless, sexual situation so young will divert that one-time development window to the wrong thing. Not only that, but he needs to learn he can trust adults and count on others to have his back.
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Do you see what I mean? Right now he's being a good boy and helping the people he loves any way he can. That's a developmentally appropriate attitude. But he's learning from the wrong people. Men are in and out of his life and are using him, his grandmom is happy but...
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As for the threats, that's the only leverage his abusers have. Once he tells, IF no one believes him and they actually try to hurt him them they just proved him right. If no one believes him they'll manipulate him back in and at that point he can freaking record an encounter and reach out to rainn.org right away. It's just really important that you can let him know: 1) he isn't trapped, 2) he'll be okay, and 3) he needs to be brave and take care of himself by doing this so everyone can start to heal.
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I have friends in town so I can't be on as much right now, but hang in there and please let me know if you have any questions on what I just typed out. I didn't have time for editing and proofreading so I apologize if it's totally confusing and I will fix it later!
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I figured. I could still understand what you meant. For now, I have no questions. I will let you know when I do. Can I tell you and @xvarnah the second situation?
I was typing a response and fell asleep, and when I woke up my battery was dead lol. Ok so:
A girl(we‘ll call her Jessica) told me that she got raped. She‘s in a foster home because her parents died, and was about to be adopted but her soon-to-be step brother raped her. She told me that when she said something about it, they didn‘t believe her because the guy told them that it was consensual(they believe this guy is a great person that always tells the truth). She didn‘t get adopted by his parents anymore, but they told her not to tell the cops or no one will want to adopt her. She was 15 when it happened(she‘s 16 now) and the guy was and still is 19. She said she was diagnosed with PTSD and this gives her extreme anxiety(especially because the guy‘s house isn‘t far from where she is).
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I don't know what she wants though. I don't want her to jeopardize her living situation. Just by telling on him, she already did three big things: 1) she proved she was not someone he could walk all over, 2) she scared the crap out of him and saved herself (and maybe others) future abuse, and 3) if he does it again and someone reports him, the police and family will really start listening to her. The window to prosecute sex crimes is gigantic for a reason. Sometimes it takes years for a serial abuser to taste karma...
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But if she hangs in there and realizes there's nothing that piece-of-junk guy can do to her now, then she will be well on her road to recovering from this. She's survived a lot in her life. This doesn't have to define her :)
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I just linked to the picture, I didn't read the article. The picture somehow captures the exact feeling of what it's like in an episode. Idk if the feeling translates well or not.
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Last thing: even if she gave consent, 15 and 19 is still rape almost everywhere in the world. Again, I don't want her to get kicked out into the street, but if this is still haunting her later, she can tell the police.All they'd need to do is ask the family if their son had sex with their foster kid. If they said, "yes but it was consensual," it's still statutory rape and probably incest. She'd have at least until she's 21 to press charges; probably until she's 30.
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Having her focus on photography is perfect advice! She needs something positive
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I think Jason's right that if she's not in therapy she should be, or even talking to someone on rainn, or whatever else. She doesn't have to go to the police if she feels like that would be too overwhelming, but she definitely should be talking to someone who will listen. It's so incredibly vital that she does. As Jason said, if nothing else they can help her learn to cope with the trauma and triggers as they arise. And she'll need that. So many people struggle in silence with these things for years and they don't realize just how deeply and long-lasting it impacts their lives, from going out, to romantic relationships, to doubting yourself, to even feeling unsafe in your own home.
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It's entirely up to her, but even if the foster program chooses to do nothing then at the very least she tried.
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It is a threat, and an entirely insidious manipulation on their part. It also shows a type of malicious behaviour, and If she does choose to go to the cops, she definitely should mention that the parents approached her in this manner.
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What horrific people. I can understand, to an extent, wanting to believe your child, but this is taking it entirely too far.
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Either way the most important thing is, again, that she seeks out some help, and that she remembers this isn't her fault.
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I read the article/comments. There, people shared their personal experiences and those they had with other people with PTSD.
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And yes, it‘s a pretty good “distraction“
@xvarnah She lives in a differnt city haha. And you‘re very right. She says the ‘management‘ know about it but they still think she‘s over-reacting. She seems afraid to do much now. I will urge her to seek help when possible.
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I should read the article! Thanks. It's so interesting and, I guess, unsurprising that humans react the exact same way to extreme stress.
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I definitely don't think your friend should officially report anything until she's sure it won't make things worse for her. Just like I don't think you should report anything until you're sure it won't make things worse for you. Life is long and there's plenty of time to get stable and then make things right in the world.
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While this is slightly different than your situation, the same still applies: how she feels is important. At this point, she has tried, and now she just needs to focus on talking to someone in a non-legal or judgemental setting. And focus on herself, not him or them. As Jason said, there is a time limit on her reporting, but it's a fairly lengthy one, and she shouldn't feel pressured to do anything about it now but look after herself.
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Did you get to read the article?
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And ok. We won‘t.
@Xvarnah Probably both lol
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You‘re right. She appeared to be doing really good when she messaged me. I‘ll tell her.
...
Side note: I feel awkward/overwhelmed(I don‘t know) about turning 18. It‘s like it‘s finally happening. I get to be legally an adult and I still remember wishing for it since I was 12. So much has happened. I‘m changing my middle name too.
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When is your birthday?? I'll be so much less terrified of you when you're not a "minor female" anymore! Haha And congratulations on kicking butt in life so far and hitting this big milestone.
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Can fubsubstance pick your new middle name for you, or are you being boring and going with one you had in mind already?
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My birthday is on August 21st. I‘m not sure how to take that, but ok. And thank you!
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I don‘t mind if Funsubstance does lol
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I'm not terrified of YOU, per se; just a bit scared of every minor female because I am prohibited from having friendships with them right now. It's a weird restriction that messes with your mind. Like, I get it if someone was going around befriending girls and taking it further by buying them gifts or being creepy. But that's not something that's even on my radar; I don't do that. But now I'm in an awkward position to keep track of all girls around me who are under 18. HOW CREEPY IS THAT? It's the worst.. So I guess I'm more annoyed by my absurd situation than actually "scared" of you or anyone. Hopefully by July/September, I'll have all my restrictions removed and I can just be a normal idiot again lol
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Haha I remember feeling a bit like that when I turned 18 and then it happened and literally nothing changed except I could now legally do things I had no intention of doing and I was like "well THAT was anticlimactic."
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Is there anything specific that you're feeling overwhelmed about?
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As a side note what were you thinking of changing your name too?
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And as @jasonmon explained his situation is a bit tricky, which is part of why I wasn't sure if he'd be able to talk too much about your friend since she's a female minor. It's not a personal sort of thing, he's just in a tight spot
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It‘s ok. I understand ^^
@Xvarnah How encouraging lol. Turning 18 means that my dad has no power over my life, and can‘t ever have custody of me(that‘s good). And I won‘t really need consent from an adult to go through some long processes to get paper work,etc.
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There‘s just this feeling that I‘m no longer going to be a child and will have to take full control/responsibility over my life. I feel like the level of protection drops because people expect you to be able to take care of yourself. It‘s like I‘m stepping into a whole new world. I don‘t know how it‘s going to be. I heard that kids are taken more seriously than adults in some cases(not sure how true that is).
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I have not fully decided what name yet
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I understand ^^
I have an update
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Now he'll have to negotiate like a human or face legal consequences. Hopefully he only gets a month or two and they don't allow him more time to come up with another stalling tactic. I'm so glad you guys are standing up to this maniac!
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Hopefully the whole thing isn't shaking you up too badly
@Jasonmon You‘re right.
@Xvarnah I understand. Unfortunately, I have to see him.
I do feel uncomfortable about it, in all
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Your uncle is going with you you say, is this the same uncle that you trust?
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I've had several conversations on my life that I've been happy I recorded.
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Edit: cleaned up autocorrects and made the comment more clear.
@Jasonmon Immediately I read that, I quickly downloaded it lol. It works when the screem is turned off and can pick up sounds far away from my phone, so I can have it in my hand while everyone is talking. We were advised in court to keep records in writing or on a device when crazy things happen. It‘s a family court and several things are allowed for safety sake, especially since some people reported how unsafe he is
@Jasonmon Ok. I definitely can‘t be nervous around my dad. I believe it‘s the other way around.
New update: My uncle has refused it. He says we should not bother about the settlement thing. He also was wondering why it had to be at my dad‘s house. So we are not going there anymore. I believe a new location will be fixed, or it will most likely be dropped altogether. And turns out that it wasn‘t the judge that ordered it, but out lawyer‘s “suggestion.“ She did not inform us before she said that garbage.
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I'm really glad your uncle is looking out for you at least
@jasonmon The “settlement thing“ is what I told you about us seeing our dad. My dad still refuses to come to court so it “doesn‘t tarnish his reputation.“ Sometimes, his lawyer does not even show up, so he is basically trying to delay things. And you‘re right, it would be amazing!
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As a side note I realize I should probably avoid casually saying things like that since I'm not actually a violent person, and I always half expect you or Jasonmon to scold me <.<
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I won‘t because I can tell it‘s really frustrating. Plus, I think we‘ve all had moments like that. You are more vocal about it(not in a bad way) :)
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Haha well I'm usually more bark than bite. It's often more my way of saying "this person really pissed me off, I hate what they did, and it'd be nice if I'd done more about it or karma came knocking"
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I know. The way the world is getting to now, it seems like stupidity is being allowed to thrive.
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Don't even get me started on the stupidity lately or I'll rant for the next 3 hours, burn down the whole comment section, distract from everything, and then my thumbs will fall off
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@aviva, I think @xvarnah isn't asking for your name. She's asking for what thoughts you already have on a possible middle name. Also, don't listen to her, she came up with great cat names for someone yesterday haha
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But I digress
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Haha she probably was, but considering most of the things I've had to name in my life have relied on the pokemon+y method (the thing is named it's species with a y at the end) I'd feel more comfortable hearing what thoughts she has first
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I trust you can lol.
@jasonmon True, but it sucks if you have to live with them, or see them every single day at work, or something.
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I understood that she wasn‘t asking for my name haha. I wouldn‘t mind telling her if she did ask. Really? If anyone has a male cat that they don‘t have a name for, name him Gerald lol.
@xvarnah I didn‘t quite get your last message. Please could you shed some more light on it?
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And my naming method for all the things I've named (which is mostly limited to stuffed animals, fish hermit crabs, and my snake) mostly involved taking whatever the animal was and adding a y at the end. So I had a stuffed wolf named wolfey, etc. Admittedly this hasn't always been the case-- my snake is named Eden. However this took me about 5 months to settle on and I still refer to her as "snakey" about 6 times out of 10
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Don‘t worry you‘ll get there. I named my stuffed toys the weirdest names lol. I gave them each personalities, voices, and families,etc. I had a stuffed bunny named “Rabbity.“ She was spoiled, and could do magic like Gwen in Ben 10. She‘s also the oldest kid with tons of younger and messed up siblings. I could keep going on lol
And other news, my cousin is a mess
And the cousin(let‘s call her Jojo) is the one I said turned majority of the family against me. Yesterday, was another cousin‘s birthday(let‘s call him Jerome), and Jojo was bitter as usual. She was asked to share the birthday cake again with us and because I was the only one that wanted it, she took the cake away and acted like she didn‘t hear me.
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So, Jojo is a jerk. I wish I could mess with her mind. If someone did that cake thing to me, I don't know what I'd do but it would be memorable. I don't know how bad it would be for you if infuriated her, though. Definitely remember this and, next time there's cake, bring her several pieces over the next twenty minutes and tell everyone she really likes her cake.
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Pettiness aside, your friends whose fake names are Emily and Matt sound amazing! That was so kind of you to help them when they needed it. I can't believe they're paying for your first year of college! You deserve some goodness after the stuff you've been through. That makes me happy!
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The thing is, when my aunt(Jerome‘s mom) asked my about the cake and I told her what Jojo did, Jojo‘s mom quickly defended her demon of a daughter. I can swear that one day Jojo will definitely slap her mom. I already enjoy annoying Jojo. I do that best by talking to the family friend I mentioned to you a few weeks ago. Also I don‘t quite get what you mean about the cake. I think you missed out a few words.
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And they said all through my years in the University and not just one year :)
And I want to study Law.
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I just realized I didn't respond last time. That's amazing that your friends want to pay for your WHOLE college tuition. Holy smokes!
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About the cake, I was just saying to bring her a piece next time before anyone asks. And then a few minutes later bring her another piece. And then do it one more time to mess with her because you "know how much she loves her cake." It's just me being petty but it's fun to think about.
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And I know it‘s awesome! :)
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Also, she doesn‘t even let me touch the cake for me to do that, but it‘s a great idea nonetheless. She‘s extremely and excessively paranoid
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Have you considered involving the police? Or has your uncle?
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And we haven‘t. My dad has contributed(by giving them money) a lot to the police here and I‘m not sure if they will do much to help if they know he is involoved.
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I think you should definitely talk to your uncle and aunt again and tell them how concerned you are. Your brothers as well. There may even be some abuse hotlines or websites like RAINN that might be worth digging up, I'm not sure yet.
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How are YOU holding up?
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I will try that. And I guess so.
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Pretty ok. At the moment, I‘m just waiting to see how this progresses.
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As for a reporter, they are never your friend. They just want a good story. Sometimes that's okay and sometimes it backfires. I would be very careful before involving the media. Consider it the "low road." Your dad is going to beat you at that game because he has more experience on the low road. I think the high road is generally better, even if it seems more difficult.
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The "negotiation" you have will ultimately come down to two things: 1) how convinced your uncle is by your father and 2) what you want. I feel like the answer to 1) is that your uncle...
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When it comes to lawyers, they're expensive and people get emotionally invested with their particular one. Either way, the lawyer can't make your uncle sign anything. If you think your uncle would be tempted to sign you back to your dad, you could possibly file for emancipation.
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I don't know what country you're in but in the US, you can opt to be an emancipated minor and neutralize any claim your dad has on you right now. But then your aunt could legally boot you from her house. Idk if she actually would but it would be legal for her at that point. Mainly, it would send an undeniable signal to your dad and the authorities about your EXACT feelings on the matter.
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And I understand. High road it is!
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This uncle doesn‘t believe or like my dad. He said he has no intention for us to go back to him unless we want to. He says he doesn‘t mind continuing to take the responsibity of a father [figure] to us if our dad decides not to play his role. This uncle is totally unbiased. My mom was the closet sibling to him, and when she was killed, it hit him a lot harder than my mom‘s other siblings. And you‘re right lol.
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I read about it. I may consider it if things get out of hand(but since I have a couple of months to go, spending money on that may not be a great idea. But I could be wrong).
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Anyway, what's going on? I know you've mentioned you've been having a rough couple of days
@Jasonmon
So I just learned today that the cousin who messed up the way my mom‘s family sees me(who‘s fake name is still Jojo) caused more damage than I thought. I ran into her mom today while she was about driving out. I wanted to tell her something really important and tapped on her car window. She locked the doors and took it upon herself to be rude to me. She still ignored me when I got ‘home.‘ Jojo and her mom and sister went to a family friend‘s(the lady I told you her mom looks up to) office on Monday(I‘ll call her Lae).
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Tbh I'm not sure there's much you can do about JoJo's behaviour. You could try talking to her about it, but she genuinely doesn't seem like the kind of person who would care, and your aunts and such are clearly too narrow-minded to listen to anything you might have to say. Your best bet from what I've seen so far sounds like maybe talking to Lae and seeing what she has to say about approaching it since she knows your aunts somewhat and apparently knows how to make them listen
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I think I know what you're saying but I can get confused and then I confuse everyone else haha
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Also, @xvarnah, weeks ago you mentioned not knowing the pronunciation of your funsub name. I've gone with something like "ZVAR-nuh" when I say it out loud to someone irl. I think the first time I mentioned it (when we were getting in to my drama here in this thread), my sister and I debated and settled on that haha
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@jasonmon haha it's kind of interesting learning you've actually tried to say it out loud. I haven't. Truth be told I go back and forth between ex-varnah and Zvarnah. I think Zvarnah, as you and your sister decided, is probably what I'd lean toward. But then wiki suggests this: "Khvarenah or khwarenah" (assuming that's the right word) and we're lost once again. -insert shrugging man-
@Jasonmon Oh, sorry about the typos. I meant Jojo‘s sister(whom I will call Ellie) told me that based on all the stuff Jojo tells their mom against me, her mom has “lost every little bit of respect she had for me.“ Ellie said this when I asked why her mom was rude to me earlier yesterday. Also, I was basically wondering what to do about it.
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I think her advice will be to hang in there and be a good example. I am also 99% sure Lae will decide to have a talk with Jojo's mom about who you and your brothers are and remind this lady why she took you guys in. I think that's what needs to happen to calm down your aunt. I don't have much hope for Jojo until she gets a little more maturity, which might take years. In this case, you're going to need to have good, healthy boundaries. Remember, if you are sad because SHE did something to hurt you, you are burning more emotional energy than you need to. Take a deep breath and give yourself permission to let it go and think about something else.
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Does that make sense? @xvarnah, did I miss anything obvious?
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Thank you so much. I will definitely reach out to her or you both if I need to vent or talk.
@Xvarnah And thank you too!! :)
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@Jasonmon We had a discussion with the people who got us out 2 years ago concerning us and when we will meet our father to discuss “reconcilation.“ We aren‘t going back to him. These people who tried to get us to go back to him last year are now speaking positively. I did tell them that I had no ill feelings towards my dad and I had chosen to forgive him and put that energy into building myself instead of being bothered by him. A day has been fixed for us to discuss with our dad at a court and they have dropped charges against my uncle and aunt. I recorded the convo too. I will have another update about next week or so.
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That sounds positive about the stuff with your dad also
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I'm glad the charges against your uncle and aunt have been dropped. Did the court do that or did your dad?
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YOU don't have to talk to your dad, do you?? Will you be in the same place as him? If so, will it be supervised by law enforcement? I don't need to tell you but I'm going to anyway: please record everything :p Have you listened to your first recording to make sure you got it clearly?
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On a different note, I also get annoyed when comment sections turn dirty for no reason. When it happens, I lik tend to say things like, "your soul will be torn from your body" or something equally unexpected. It'll shut down the person or derail them into a different direction. You and @xvarnah are both good at being creative and off-the-wall. Give it a try sometime. It doesn't have to be threatening, like soul-stealing. It can be a joke or light-hearted haha
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The charges were by these people. They suggested to see my siblings and I to discuss before they consider dropping the charges.
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It‘s not a must to talk to my dad but it will help the case. We will be meeting in a court. And I really don‘t mind. If he tries to kill me, I‘ll try to kill him, and he knows that. And yes, law enforcement are handling it and my recording was clear. I will record everything lol.
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Lol. And I‘ll try that. Thanks!
@xvarnah It‘s ok :)
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I assume your dad would be smart enough to not try and kill you in front of your siblings and other witnesses so hopefully it doesn't come to that
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I guess so
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Our thoughts are with you! Good luck :) Please let us know what happens because even something that seems imperfect on the surface can actually be for the best if you look at it differently.
@jasonmon Thank you!! Also, the notification for this post just vanished. I looked through all my notifications(even those 4 days old) and could not find it. I‘m glad I bookmarked this page.
P.S: Would it be a good idea if we(i.e. @xvarnah and @jasonmon ) move this convo to another older post? We can discuss other stuff on here. I felt uncomfortable opening up a few months ago but I‘m more comfortable now. I prefer if just you both knew the updates in my life.
Post is called: "Maybe you like volleyball...But do you like beach volleyball more?"
Title is: "I love this game"
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Either way, I Dont think he'll be back tonight, but there's always potential for the future. Nevertheless get some rest
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As a side note I'm getting a little tired of all the girl posts lately so in a bit I might be posting a dude *cosplaying sailor Venus. Not sure where it falls on your spectrum but i'll warn you if I do
P.S: I‘m about to respond to the previous comments. I‘m sorry I took so long
<.<
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It's not a huge problem, just gets a bit tedious after awhile and the troll in me is getting a bit restless
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I can comment on user's posts but usually the posters on funsub are pretty okay. I feel bad because I was kinda mean to cotten_eye_joe yesterday. He reposted something nsfw that wasn't marked nsfw and I was kind of a little snot to him. Oh well..
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I agree, the community itself *generally* doesn't post too much stuff on their own. But the attitude they have toward the posts themselves is sometimes less than encouraging. I also find the whole Thot movement to be a bit hypocritical and ridiculous and it's been popping up so much lately (mrsuperman seems to be a BIG fan for whatever reason). Not that I want to be a SJW or anything, but sometimes it gets to the point where it's like "that's not even remotely close to what anyone came to this website to see." <_<
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Ah well, I'll probably be in a better mood tomorrow
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All of those attitudes come from the type of person who lacks empathy, which is exactly the type of person that sets me on edge haha. I try and play nice in the comments and deflect their comments to something funny.
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Anyway, @jasonmon I've seen the meme of Daenerys and Khal Drogo a few times and it just occurred to me it might need a warning. Despite nothing graphic or any nudity showing, it is more or less a marital rape scene and you can clearly see she's crying, so just to be on the safe side
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Title is: "1 soup to go please"
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Also a post called "no difference" that has a pic of a cat sitting on a guy's head beside a pic of an anime wolf-girl sitting on a guys face. She's not naked but yeah.
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Which, incidentally, is above a photo of two people having sex on a roof censored by a pigeon's head in front of the camera. Not super explicit. It's called the best photobomb of the modern age or something similar.
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Basically the main page has gone a bit to hell-- proceed with caution
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I love this site. It helps to even me out and I burn a lot of time here but I can't be here if stuff like this happens. Blah.. Anyway, there's really no point to this message. I'm just venting, sorry haha
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Side note: post titled "merry Christmas" which isn't actually all that nsfw but definitely provocative. Just a girl with huge breasts indicating she might undo her clothes
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I talked to my probation officer and he said I've been doing really well at everything so he's not going to be as harsh as he could about restrictions like this. In other words, as long as I'm not going out and proactively looking at porn, he's not going to throw me in jail. THANK GOD! Now I can exist on funsub without fearing what every idiot posts. Thank you for helping me through this little phase in my life, @xvarnah!
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I am glad your PO is willing to be lenient. I mean, it's the Internet, what are you supposed to do? You can't turn on the TV or Internet without being bombarded with sex scenes and porn these days. You've been as responsible and restrictive as you can be from what I can tell, and considering this is all for a crime you didn't commit the least they could do is be a bit more understanding.
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With all this going on, I'm just glad there's something I can do that CAN help
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In all seriousness though @catfluff and @shikharizard there's some pretty serious stuff being discussed here so, providing the other two are comfortable (Jason seems to be) idc if you guys want to take on the monumental task of reading all the comments and trying to get involved, just be prepared if you do. Not that there's a whole lot we can do if they're NOT comfortable with it, but there you go
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You're not restricting me, @aviva. Dumb Oregon is, but only for a little while longer. Please never take that to heart :) I can make innuendos if you're around as long as they're not directed at you or any other kid, and I wouldn't do that anyway haha. I don't have time rn to read through that whole thread but I will later. I just didn't want you guys to think I was mad about it or scared or something negative. I'm just on Craigslist hunting for a replacement car and I have ten other things on my list today.
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Also I didn't think you'd be mad/etc I just really wasn't sure how this would reflect with your situation or if you'd have to report it. I'm probably being a little over cautious but then again there may be no such thing as overcautious in situations like this.
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Hopefully the hunt goes well :/ did your car break down?
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As a side note, to answer your chat question I'm an aries but I really would prefer no big posts or chats or anything haha
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I understand about the bday, haha. And, since Aries is upon us, HAPPY BIRTHDAY sometime-in-the-next-month!! :D
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Edit: Portland is hard to describe..
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Aw thanks :) wait are you an Aries? I have no idea what the dates for signs are
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I just realized I forgot to respond to your last message: I ended up getting a great little Toyota but we had to drive all the way to Astoria which was a 500km+ round trip.
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I'm on the Pisces/Aires cusp, which is the only way I knew Aires was right now haha
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Also I see your "I forgot to respond to your last message for a day" and I raise you "forgetting to respond to you for a week." Good grief
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I'm glad you at least got a car you're happy with. Was it a nice drive at least?
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Ahh fair enough haha. I've read some astrology stuff for kicks in the past, but I have no actual idea when most of the signs are. I knew Pisces was before me and Taurus is after. And then I know a few other signs because of relatives but generally I'm lost haha
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Edit: interesting! @Xvarnah birthday is this month? How old might you be turning mama-bear?
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side note, you can join in here but if so I'm gonna start a separate comment chain. I have no idea if you've read through all these comments, but this chain serves a very specific purpose that's actually semi important. Or maybe I'll just start a seperate one for this all over again because this one takes so damn long to scroll down to
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PS: all previous warnings about sensitive topics and extremely long backstory apply
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Still good fun to read the discussion about you ;)