I've gotten fatter in the past months and old people giggled at my stomach because I was wearing a crop top, as I essentially had to choose between this and a heart attack. Honestly my skin was maybe too stretched, but theirs isn't enough so who cares, wear what you want even if people make fun of you.
Do you girl. One of my most hated things to hear is “I can’t wear that because of my....” yes. Yes you can. You don’t need a flat tummy or a washboard to wear crop tops. You don’t need pencil arms or toned biceps to show your upper arms. Stretch marks- live long enough we all get em. Pregnancy, muscle loss or gain, etc etc. so what. People act like the natural state of the human body is this narrow range that fits what one would see in a tv show. If you’re healthy as you want to be then be happy and do you. Shaming people is bad for everyone- and there’s someone out there right now who would love to see their special someone wear a certain type of outfit and won’t get to because society has shamed them. Someone out there full of pain because they’ve been shamed for being them. It’s cruel and doesn’t help.
yeah but what if your parents are the ones saying you cant wear something bc your fat. and there constantly trying to get you to be thinner, even though i'm happy how I am
That’s tough. Dealing with negativity at any age is always hard- but even more so when it’s from someone close to us and influential in our lives like parents can be. I don’t know how old you are- it certainly plays a part though- but at a certain age we decide for ourselves to assert ourselves to our parents. It’s a give an take negotiation where they want a certain influence and control in our lives and we want a certain autonomy. They want a certain place or amount of time from us and we want to give what we want to give. This dynamic can be a well apron of strength and character- as the younger we are, the more going against our parents wishes is likely to result in us having to do without their favor, so there is a power dynamic there as well.
Regardless of your age- your parents will likely have some degree of sway over you for one reason or another. And regardless of your age, the simplest thing we can do is to communicate our feelings and assert ourselves. So I’m not here to tell you to disobey your parents or anything like that- but whatever age one is- part of creating who we are is determining to what degree we are guided by others, and to what degree we wish to exercise our sense of self.
There’s no magic words or anything to make that an easy process. By its nature it’s difficult. In vein who we want to be we will often find others who disapprove or try to diminish, and in compromising who we want to be we will often find a smoother road but one of a gilded cage with trappings of comfort and ease but emotional unrest and conflict of self.
In the end it sounds simpler than it is- but we still just gotta do what we are going to do regardless. In a case of something like this where it’s a subjective opinion it’s our choice. Life is full or risks- every interaction with another person risks them hurting our feelings. We are in part defined by the risks we choose to take and the motives to those decisions. Not everyone will like every decision we make or how we look- our parents or other loved ones included. Somewhere between total conformity and total self service is a ratio we will choose of those things we do because we like them and want to- for ourselves, and those things we defer to the opinions of others on as courtesy or to avoid potential social negativity. You just have to be who you are and do your best to speak up even if no one listens.
Tl:dr- it sucks and I’m sorry if your parents bring that negativity to you. It’s a hard spot and there’s no easy answer. You’ve gotta decide who you are, who you want to be, and what your priorities and tolerances in life are. Some people fall towards the “I don’t care what you say I do what I want...” while others bend over backwards to please others or avoid conflict or emotional hurt and embarrassment. Most people fall in between. Find your voice and be true to whoever you are. We can’t control how others behave- only ourselves. People will hurt us and we can’t stop them, only communicate to them what they are doing and hope they listen. If they do not- it’s our decision how to handle that.
And if I were to say no one wants to hear your opinion and to cover up your mouth- how would that sit with you? Would you be offended? Would you listen? Because to my ears your ignorance is at least as disturbing or repugnant as you seem to find people in less than phenomenal shape- so if you would have them hide what you find repulsive, then surely you’d do the same?
You cannot offend me. I always can say "fuck off". Except... If you say something logical... I will try to understand. If i say to someone: "you are too fat to wear this" then it means someone made stupid decision to wear something.
Only if you live in fictional non-social world. In real world we all live in society, every society has norms. Every citizen must complains to these norms. It's how society works.
I don't know where the fuck you live, but I can assure you the norms here revolve around respecting other indivuals and the environment we live in. I'm not menacing society as we know it with a few extra kgs.
@wasserstern- “if I say to someone: you are too fat to wear this, it means you made a stupid decision....” Logically- that statement assumes you are the arbitrator of what is or is not acceptable. Not that you are entitled to an opinion- but in absolute- “if I say this; that means...” Now- how am I to know, before I leave my home, what you personally will think a stupid decision- and what is the reason that I must make my choices to appeal to your aesthetic tastes? You could of course say I do not have to- it’s my choice but it is your choice to not like it- but... think about that- that’s like a spouse saying “they wanted to get hit because they know if they don’t listen when I talk that’s what will happen...”
You are entitled to your opinions of people’s choices- and you certainly have the freedom to speak on that- but how and when we exercise our freedoms speaks to who we are. There is no need to put a person down. They aren’t your employee who needs to follow your dress code. They are an autonomous adult who can make their own decisions. Maybe the way they are dressed makes it so you wouldn’t date them, or hire them, or choose to sit next to them. That’s a natural action/consequence relationship that our personal choices creates. What is not natural is when a person goes out of their way to tell us they are put off by us when we are minding our own business and exercising our own freedoms peaceably.
Big people exist. Some are in transition and may be loosing weight- it is a process and can be a lengthy one. Wether they are or are not- we can’t reasonably take a stance that until and unless they meet our standards that they lock themselves away or be subject to ridicule and shaming- or that by being themselves in public is reasonable grounds to insult them can we?
We also can’t reasonably prescribe them a dress code can we? To say “well- you can be big and be in public but if you’re wearing this... you’re asking for it!” By that same logic would you say that those who dress “provocatively” are “asking for” sexual assaults or advances- or to be treated as sexual objects and not as people?
And yes- societies have norms. If you walk down the street in July in a Santa suit people will think it’s strange and you’ll likely get stares. But the fact that this is true isn’t an excuse or justification of behavior- more so when a person has intelligence or self awareness and is cognizant of such biases and tendencies. A person can’t excuse bad behavior as being unaware but it does factor in to viewing their character- that they simply didn’t know or didn’t think about it. They were thoughtless not necessarily malevolent. However when a person is aware of the underpinnings and the behavior and then says “well- yeah I do this- but you see...” that’s just using a shield so that we can justify being assholes.
That’s a person who wants to cause harm and is happy to have an excuse to do so. The idea behind social awareness and all that isn’t to exercise some need to be seen or heard regardless of the method. The reason is so that those who behave in a way that is negative know that they are doing so- so that they can be aware and as hopefully good people can say “wow. I didn’t think of it like that- and while I may not understand it or relate- I understand that I am causing harm to another...”
Because you see- asking you to NOT insult people isn’t asking you to take any special effort. In fact- it’s far less effort to simply not engage a person negatively than it is to engage them at all. No one is asking you to compliment every big person you see- just to let them live their lives like a human being. Those same “social norms” that can be used as an excuse for persecuting the large, could in a world where larger size was a norm be used against the more svelte.
And the point isn’t to change the dynamic of whom gets to male whom feel like shit about who they are- it’s to impart upon society that we don’t treat people like that regardless- because many do not care when they aren’t in a group that is treated poorly, but do care when they are, and what criteria we use to assign value as a society can change. The ultimate goal is to break the cycles of persecution and bigotry that have gone through the ages and merely changed the face and shape of those people society arbitrarily decided were “less than.”
No small task- and likely never to truly be complete. But like many lofty goals in the pursuit of such a dream we might always fall short but by trying to reach it we will make things better, and we will be closer than than we would of we never tried. No one is asking you to change your beliefs or opinions. The point is that we all likely would like to live our lives without others shitting on us over our own damn business. You don’t have to marry the next size 48 you see in a crop top- but you also don’t have to put them down just for having the “audacity” to “pollute” your vista by living their life within your view.
Tl:dr- the preschooler version- you don’t have to like everyone @wassersern- but we all have to share this space and so we need to do our best to get along. People do not like being put down in general. So you don’t have to be friends with people you don’t want to but you should be courteous to them and you can’t exclude them from things the other kids get to do.
Good advice. Worry about you. You ain’t gotta date everyone you meet. You ain’t gotta fantasize about everyone you meet, approve of their fashion sense, and you ain’t gotta he thief parent either. Let people enjoy their lives how they want to and just focus on enjoying yours. If you see someone gorgeous walking around in a revealing outfit you don’t have to stare or fixate. You don’t have to tell them you really like a certain feature of theirs. Apply that logic the same if you don’t like what you see. You hopefully already know that staring at someone’s ass or exposed cleavage and making comments about it in public isn’t ok- so the same goes if they have some rolls or whatever else you don’t like. Apply the same basic manners and human decency you would there. You’ll likely notice- likely have a thought about what you see- but you don’t have to be obvious or obnoxious. Have some class.
Perhaps more paradoxical than ironic. “Common decency” and shared social values dictate a norm while stemming from what is normalized. A person wearing a “modest” blouse in modern western society would in some modern societies be dressed extremely scantily, or even in the western societies of the past. So enough people had to be willing to wear the label of the pariah to normalize these novel concepts- and once they were no longer novel they were no longer something we could persecute for- one can’t easily discriminate against one identical to themselves in an attribute without inviting discrimination on themselves no? But in a modern world of great diversity there are so many differences and so many people to be different in attributes, the ends isn’t a majority discrimination against a minority but many sub cultural minorities discriminating against what isn’t identified as part of their group.
You might be better off listening to guest_.