Communication is critical. I mean- if one person says to go left and the other says go right- just because person A is in charge doesn’t make them correct. And while Left might SEEM an obviously dumb choice- if you let them explain- they may raise some good points you hadn’t thought of. That said.... there’s a time and a place for explaining. On a battlefield or a job site- if the person in authority says: “I need you to go here now!” You really don’t have time to discuss it, and the safety and ability to function of everyone involved relies on people doing what they are told. There are other chains of authority as well. Many people in positions of seniority...
... are there because they have developed and demonstrated good judgment. They are accountable for successes and failures underneath them. They might tell you to do something or not to do something that makes no sense to a junior- and that is because the junior doesn’t have the information and experience or even knows all the particulars or considers them like the senior does.
And trust is a two way street isn’t it? For a person to trust in a juniors judgment- or even that they might have the relevant criteria to have something worthwhile to say- wouldn’t it stand to reason that sometimes the junior would need to just trust that when their senior tells them something- the senior has thought it out and knows what they are doing?
Now- asking questions isn’t the same as trying to explain yourself. When you are explaining- you are telling. When you are asking, you are learning. Asking “why” something is forbidden or is done a certain way isn’t the same as deciding to do it your way, and then explaining why you made that choice.
It’s all very circumstantial. I do not need you to explain why you slept with my wife- it is irrelevant to the circumstances. YOUR explanation in cases like that isn’t for my benefit, it is for YOUR benefit. Either because you think you can justify an act and mitigate consequences, or because you want to emotionally unburden yourself. But neither of those things is accepting responsibility.
Now- explanations CAN build or reinforce trust. If I come home and my spouse sees me with a new TV after they said r ended to cut back spending because money is tight- me explaining that I won it at my works holiday party or that I took a side job and the TV is equipment for that job- that it costs $100 a month for 6 months but the job is a 1 year contract that pays $100 a month.... that’s something that changes things. If I come home and say something extreme like I’m going to change careers and my partner isn’t comfortable with the instability, but I explain and break down how everything makes sense and it is the best move and my position at my current job will likely be downsized when the next project wraps up- that can change things.
But a lot of the time- when people say they don’t get to “explain,” what they mean is that you won’t listen to their excuses. If you’re late for your first day of work- I probably don’t need your explanation. My current job, I had a meeting with the CEO to do a pre interview, the meeting was at 7:00am 1 hour from my home. I woke up and got ready at 4, headed over at 5am. In case there was traffic or an accident or I got lost or my car broke down etc etc. because WHY I am late isn’t as critical as the fact- the cold fact which no amount of explaining changes- that late is late. An explanation may make the transgression more forgivable- but if you and I have a meeting and you’re late- you’re already late, I only have so much time. We lost some already and your explanation is just going to waste more. If being there on time was your priority- you probably would have. If you called and said: “I’ll be a little late...” you don’t need to explain that. You’ll be late. I’ll wait or I won’t.
I can or I can’t. If I make an hour of time out of my day and that is the hour I have- it doesn’t matter if you’ll be an hour late because you overslept or because your mother had a heart attack. That’s sad either way (for different reasons...) but I had an hour. The REASON you are late doesn’t change reality, and you love your mother. I probably don’t know her. The next person I have a meeting with- they almost definitely don’t know her and they probably don’t know you, but they need me for something too- so what does your mom or your oversleeping have to do with them and what they need?
Nothing. The world isn’t going to stop turning because of what is going on with you. If you had the kind of juice that it would- you wouldn’t have to explain would you? The owner of the company doesn’t have to tell the employees why they are late to their own meeting. It doesn’t matter. If you’re an employee and the meeting is mandatory- you’ll be there on time and the meeting will start when they get there. They should be punctual and respectful- but what I’m saying is that if you HAVE to explain yourself and if you’re in a position that someone else has the option to not listen to you explain yourself... then you’re not in the position of authority.
It hurts many peoples self image to admit that in society they are not a very bog cog- but most people aren’t. Heck- a lot of people are lucky to be considered important in their own interpersonal relationships. But if you have this problem- you aren’t someone that people OWE it to to listen to your explanations. It’s entitled to think otherwise.
So it’s all circumstance. The relationship between the people, the subject at hand, is it an explanation or an excuse? Does it matter? Do they actually want or need to hear it? And here’s a big one: are they not listening to your explanation because you have to give explanation so often they are sick of it? Are you someone who’s explanations are usually just... crap?
An old story is the boy who cried wolf. The kid always pulled a prank where he’d say there’s a wolf and there wasn’t. One time there really was a wolf, he cried for help and no one listened because they had wasted their time so many times before they didn’t bother to listen.
If every explanation a person gives is crap- that doesn’t mean that one time they can’t have something worthwhile to say- but I’m not going to listen to someone 1,000 times while they waste my time on crap because 1 time they have something good. That’s foolish.
And if you’re always needing to explain yourself... honestly.... there’s a slim chance that you’re just not around people who “get” you and are otherwise full of wisdom and prudence and a generally “smart” person... but more likely... frequent explaining is the sign of a f$ck up. I mean- if you are on the spectrum or not nuero typical or whatever- yeah. You may often have to explain things to people. They don’t think the same way and often can’t understand how you think. But the “average” person who is an “explainer” is... a f$ck up.
If you want people to listen.... you need to reduce the amount of explaining you feel you have to do. Try starting out with a simple trick called: “stop f$cking up.” If that doesn’t work- try “owning your f$ck ups.” That’s also a good place to start in stopping f$cking up. Plainly put- the same that people don’t owe it to you to hear you out- you don’t owe it to most folks to explain yourself. You did whatever you did or didn’t do whatever you didn’t do. So own it. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck- it’s probably a duck.
Explanations vs excuses is really one of the key things. Explanations vs justification is another. Explanation to foster understanding or dispel miscommunication vs explanation to ease your own emotions.
Is an explanation needed? Will an explanation make a difference? I mean- I’ve talked in other posts about my disgust for dish washing machines. The person I am living with can explain all they want about the benefits or whatever else. I won’t be moved. I don’t like them, and unless I’m living by another persons charity- there will not be one in a home I live in. So listening to your explanation is a waste of both of our time.
And you could sneakily buy one and have it installed and pay all the costs yourself. And I could come home and there it would be, and you could explain why you did it. I could listen. But it wouldn’t matter because whatever words you say- the very first chance I have, I will disconnect the thing and remove the plumbing so it won’t work. You can say that’s disrespectful- but so was going behind my back to get it no? What right do I have to disconnect it? What right did you have to connect it? And guess what- after I disconnect it- I’m not going to explain myself. You know why I did it or you don’t. I’m not sorry and there’s nothing to discuss. Nothing that can be said will change a single bit of what is going to happen or what has happened there.
Is an explanation needed? Will an explanation make a difference? I mean- I’ve talked in other posts about my disgust for dish washing machines. The person I am living with can explain all they want about the benefits or whatever else. I won’t be moved. I don’t like them, and unless I’m living by another persons charity- there will not be one in a home I live in. So listening to your explanation is a waste of both of our time.