It has nothing to do with attitude. It's intrusive thoughts, a shadow of doubt you can sometimes glimpse through the day to day, and maybe you hear it whisper in your dreams, when it's quiet. But you wake up and go to work anyways.
Then something goes wrong. And the feeling drags you under the surface when you're weakest. You thrash and fight, but when you can finally see the light over the water again, you stop. Because so close to recovering, so close to getting back on the boat, you know that you don't deserve to. Because you're not good enough.
Happy thoughts are about as useful at helping this as they are at curing tuberculosis.
"I know that for me, when I'm inside myself, when I'm in my own head, it gets… This place right here? This skull between my ears? that is a bad neighborhood, and I should not be in there alone.
.
I can't be in there by myself. It's insane! It's crazy in here. This is a bad place for me to be by myself. And so when I'm in that, my whole life gets thrown off.
.
If I'm in there, I don't say nice things to myself. There's another [person] in there that wants to take me down. And I find that, it could be… whether it's substances or whether it's behavior or whether it's depressive stuff, or whatever it is, if I'm not actively doing… getting out of myself and being with other people, like being a dad, being a husband, being a bandmate, being a friend, helping someone out…
.
If I'm out of myself, I'm great. If I'm inside all the time, I'm horrible — I'm a mess."
.
-Chester Bennington
"Have you ever felt lost inside?
So unloved within that you almost die?
Have you ever stepped out of the light and realized there's a stranger inside?"
.
.
"I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside."
.
.
"My demons are there, always listening.
I'm scared. I send out a prayer
Can anybody hear me?
Is anybody there?
'Cause honestly, it hurts
And every day is worse.
My eyes can't see from the bottles of whiskey
I don't believe anybody will miss me
Go to hell and back again
Then show you burns to prove I earned it
I need shots or god to gain the strength I need
I'm just a person.."
.
.
"When I just needed empathy
You buried me in so much shame
I won't apologize for who I am
No, not for one more day"
Then something goes wrong. And the feeling drags you under the surface when you're weakest. You thrash and fight, but when you can finally see the light over the water again, you stop. Because so close to recovering, so close to getting back on the boat, you know that you don't deserve to. Because you're not good enough.
Happy thoughts are about as useful at helping this as they are at curing tuberculosis.
.
I can't be in there by myself. It's insane! It's crazy in here. This is a bad place for me to be by myself. And so when I'm in that, my whole life gets thrown off.
.
If I'm in there, I don't say nice things to myself. There's another [person] in there that wants to take me down. And I find that, it could be… whether it's substances or whether it's behavior or whether it's depressive stuff, or whatever it is, if I'm not actively doing… getting out of myself and being with other people, like being a dad, being a husband, being a bandmate, being a friend, helping someone out…
.
If I'm out of myself, I'm great. If I'm inside all the time, I'm horrible — I'm a mess."
.
-Chester Bennington
Where I was? They just pointed, laughed, or pushed me down even deeper.
So unloved within that you almost die?
Have you ever stepped out of the light and realized there's a stranger inside?"
.
.
"I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside."
.
.
"My demons are there, always listening.
I'm scared. I send out a prayer
Can anybody hear me?
Is anybody there?
'Cause honestly, it hurts
And every day is worse.
My eyes can't see from the bottles of whiskey
I don't believe anybody will miss me
Go to hell and back again
Then show you burns to prove I earned it
I need shots or god to gain the strength I need
I'm just a person.."
.
.
"When I just needed empathy
You buried me in so much shame
I won't apologize for who I am
No, not for one more day"