I think this is overall good advice. Often people get defensive or try to find some way to “spread blame” or put it back on the other party instead of just owning what we did wrong. That said I think there are some nuances. I know it isn’t the intent but I do hesitate at the term “normalize apologizing.” An apology should always be sincere and seldom need repeating- if it is sincere than it shouldn’t happen again or rarely, and while forgetting the thing they asked you to get and not helping carry the groceries for example may be different “things,” what you are apologizing for is the same thing- thoughtlessness. The real point there often isn’t that they’re mad you did or didn’t do a specific thing, it’s that what happened shows some issue, and many different slights from the same issue tends to show a pattern that speakers louder than words.
To that point and the point of sincerity, we really should understand why we are apologizing and what we are apologizing for. I personally believe that a sincere apology simply on the grounds a person is sorry their behavior hurt you is a nice gesture, but many people I know get more upset by this simply because they feel you can’t really be sorry or commit to do better if you don’t even know what you are apologizing for. The distinction is key, feeling bad you hurt someone is fine, but not knowing why or how you hurt them just sets the stage for you to do it again. We can call it an accident- you didn’t know better right? But that shows the care- if I agree to watch your dog but don’t know I shouldn’t give it chocolate- I can be sorry it got sick but that shows I didn’t care enough to research what is required to care for a dog. We could get defensive and say it is your fault for leaving my dog with me who isn’t a dog expert- but doing so meant I agreed to watch it- I tacitly…
.. said I could handle it by agreeing. Your trust in my word was your only real sin. When the best thing you can think to say is essentially: “it’s your fault for trusting me!” You have failed badly at life. If we agree to be the friend or romantic partner of another we similarly imply we are up to the responsibilities for their heart and other matters. You can tell me that you never agreed to that or that their ideas of what you should be responsible for aren’t the same as yours- but if that is true then you aren’t sorry. If we become friends and you expect that friendship involves me smuggling drugs for you- that isn’t my idea of friendship and if we get to the airport and you are upset because you assumed I’d do it and you have a brick of coke- I’m not going to say sorry. I’ll tell you that’s tough shit and you are on your own to figure it out. If that ruins our friendship that’s fine by me because we obviously have very different ideas. Or you might come to see that perhaps…
.. you were a bit unreasonable, or maybe just agree that we have different opinions on the matter and we can still be friends if we both want. In a less hyperbolic example- your spouse gets mad you were telling fart jokes and drinking a bit at their work party. Wether you apologize or not is your call. You might say you are who you are and have that be your end of it; or you might say you are who you are but you understand it was their party and out of care for them you are sorry and will behave more appropriately for their events in the future. That’s sort of the third leg- since sincerity is paramount and some of the ways we show sincerity is understanding the issue and committing to do better-
An apology should have some express or implied commitment or actionable promise for the future.
Most people do not want to keep hearing “I’m sorry.” If you need to say “I’m sorry” that often you probably aren’t as sorry of the deed as you are of the consequences or expected consequences. An old adage drilled in to me was: “I don’t want I’m sorry, I want you to do better.” Apologies are easy enough for most people and even sociopaths can apologize if it gets them what they want. Most of us know that person who is always sorry. If pressed they may likely even apologize for existing or blow up about how they can’t do anything right etc. some of this can come down to legitimate mental conditions that may require therapy so don’t take this wrong- but it just shows you that “sorry” isn’t really worth a lot of it doesn’t have a commitment to change. If that change is therapy then that is where things need to go. This is why it is often said we must care about ourselves to truly care for others. Sometimes we can be in a state not of our own making where we can’t care for ourselves or..
.. it is very difficult to and to get out of that state we need someone to help, the paradox of such states being that seeking that help can require a level of self care and initiative that state robs us of. That’s a sad and complex matter but at the end of the day for those not in such a state, you have a choice and the choices you make show wether you actually put care and thought into your relationships or not. The people around you all have their own expectations and tolerances for what they see as the base minimum a friend or other relation will put in to the relationship and we we don’t meet those minimums people get hurt. We either need to apologize and commit to changing or we need to have a conversation where we set up boundaries and negotiate what is a reasonable expectation. Once we all agree and understand things we can be sorry for the unpleasantness or sorry we didn’t come to this place before someone was hurt etc.
To finalize though- there are no rules. Everyone is different and there are situations which we can’t cover and exceptions and different opinions. The last person you want to apologize to is a person who takes the stance of “I don’t want sorry I want better.” They don’t want sorry. They want you to say you understand and what you did wrong, then not do it again. Some people don’t even care if an apology is genuine either- they just want the formality. People are all over. That’s sort of a key core point. Respecting a person or showing care is what is really usually being discussed with apologies. Knowing them or being able to uncover and understand their feelings shows a basic investment in them as a person. Most people just are looking for that- to see that another person puts genuine effort and care into their interactions and relationship.
I don't say I'm sorry. I've done it/said it for a reason. It has to be something worth being sorry. Its unfortunate who say sorry for everything, brings it to being over used.
Like - guest I only read the last few sentences in your wordy comments... Oops I mean sorry I dont read them all
An apology should have some express or implied commitment or actionable promise for the future.
Like - guest I only read the last few sentences in your wordy comments... Oops I mean sorry I dont read them all